Post by Saint Monica on Oct 31, 2013 6:22:23 GMT -5
1. I guess it depends how 'smart' is being defined. I don't think I am all that smart. Some people would agree with me, some would say I am.
2. I don't have kids but I act like my dog is a damn rocket scientist. I would tell my hypothetical child he/she is smart if I actually believe it. I think it is super important to treat being curious/pursuing good grades as desirable/laudable. It is not just boys - the value of intelligence/curiosity is disregarded and not valued as much as other things.
Post by CheshireGrin on Oct 31, 2013 6:24:07 GMT -5
1. I wouldn't classify myself as a genius or anything of that nature, but I am very smart, and I'm proud of that. I know a lot of people who are smarter though.
1. Yes, I think I'm smart in a lot of ways (though not in others). I one of those "book smart" people, but I lack in social understanding.
2. No kids yet, but I try very hard to emphasize to my nieces and nephews that their intelligence is their best quality (instead of, for example, telling my niece how pretty she is, I try to tell her how smart she is, or how kind she is).
My husband is one of those people who feels like he is "stupid" because he's not a traditionally book-smart kind of person. However, he is VERY good at working with people, especially kids, and is going to be an excellent elementary school teacher someday very soon. I think he probably grew up feeling like "the dumb one" compared to his book-smart older sister, which is horrible because he IS a smart person, just in a different way. I think it's really important for kids not to feel like they are stupid because they may have different strengths or different kinds of intelligence, so I'm very conscious to compliment kids on their strengths (and try to avoid my niece in particular feeling like her appearance is her biggest strength).
1. I do think I'm smart in many areas, but there are some I struggle with--for example, I'm horrible at interpersonal relations. 2. I try to emphasize to Abby that she achieves because she works hard, particularly not that I've read studies that show girls are less likely to persevere when they get stuck because it's often reinforced to girls that they succeed because of innate qualities.
1. I'm above average on intelligence, not brilliant. However I can feel myself getting dumber these past few years, so perhaps not anymore.
2. Yes, but I'm trying hard to focus on her effort and behavior more - praising the things she can control and encouraging a good work ethic.
I like the quip: "the brain is a muscle." I work with her to develop her various skills. She is pretty bright on verbal skills. (We constantly get comments). We are working on numeracy, cognitive reasoning and spatial reasoning but I don't know where she falls. Those are less easy to casually judge among her peers so her levels might be average, above or below.
Your a good mom. I've had a number of conversations with friends who feel like you do about their sons. I agree that it is very important to let black boys know how smart they are, give them confidence in their abilities and also praise their efforts. I think a big segment of this generation of black boys are growing up with parents who have really doubled down on trying to do that well. It's great.
1. Do you think you are smart? I think I get by ok. I am pretty determined so a lot of times that will make up for what I don't immediately "get". I always did well in school and at my job. Common sense, on the other hand, not so much.
2. Do you tell your kids they are smart? Um, well kind of. I am more specific. Like "You did a great job XYZ" or "It was great to see you get an A, I know you worked so hard for it" kind of thing.
Post by Captain Serious on Oct 31, 2013 7:11:50 GMT -5
1. Yes.
2. No. I tell my kids what a great job they did, to always try their best and I will be proud of them. I don't want my kids thinking I prize their intelligence over their effort. For one, it's like telling a child they are "bad," rather than their behavior or choice was bad. They identify with the quality and then if they make a mistake or can't figure something out, the either feel the opposite, in this case, stupid, or are too embarrassed to ask for help because they think you'll no longer consider them smart. Growing up, my patents always expected the best from me--not my best, but the best of everyone involved, even if I couldn't reach it. I would heap those worries on my kids. I praise them for their effort and the results of those efforts, but I do not run around telling them how smart they are.
Of course, in a particular situation, I'll say, "That's really smart!" I just don't routinely tell them they are smart as part of confidence building conversation. I'd much rather tell them "I know you can do this. Just try. That's all I ask."
2. We have SDs during school breaks. We really don't get to see them handle their schoolwork. SD1 is VERY smart. She is 12 but her brain is at the level of a late teen I think. SD2 is a bit scatterbrained and flighty but creative. I don't remember how we've complimented them in the past. DS is a baby and I've told him he's smart.
I think there's a correct way to phrase it. I don't think you're supposed to tell them they are smart because they will grow up thinking everything should come easy and won't work as hard. I think this is definitely true. I was told this by a lot of people other than my parents and I have coworkers and managers who say it to me now, but I'm in a dead end job and I'm lazy. I think you're supposed to say things like "that was a great effort!" Or "you worked so hard on this!" I read that a while back and will definitely look more into this when DS starts school.
2. I tell my children they are smart every day, my son is 3, I usually say to him "You are smart, handsome and loved so very much" my daughter is 1 and I say pretty much the same thing to her daily "You are smart, beautiful and loved so very much".
Oh I meant to add a thought. I think its incredibly interesting the way society has changed regarding sex and intelligence. Not too long ago, little girls had to be encouraged to raise their hand and there was a push to compliment their intelligence rather than their looks. Now its almost reversed and boys are falling behind.
Its definitely a concern I have for DS. DH is really into football and DS is pretty big and seems to have the...spirit? For it I guess? He's kind of like a bull in a china shop. I don't want him to play but i can already see it in him. I know DH is going to encourage sports but I plan to keep him in check. School should be the first priority.
Post by lightbulbsun on Oct 31, 2013 7:34:35 GMT -5
I think I'm pretty smart.
I don't have kids, but like others I've read studies that kids who are told their smart tend to give up on problems quicker than those who are told they achieved things through hard work adn effort. I think if I have kids I would focus on telling them they worked hard and did a good job rather than they achieved things just because they're smart.
2. My kid will definitely be smart, like 99th percentile smart
See, I was thinking about this the other day. All those tests where we came out in the 99th percentile? That still means there were 30 thousand kids just like us out there competing for the same stuff. I'm going to have to reign in the crazy with my kids aren't I?
2. My kid will definitely be smart, like 99th percentile smart
See, I was thinking about this the other day. All those tests where we came out in the 99th percentile? That still means there were 30 thousand kids just like us out there competing for the same stuff. I'm going to have to reign in the crazy with my kids aren't I?
I don't have kids, but like others I've read studies that kids who are told their smart tend to give up on problems quicker than those who are told they achieved things through hard work adn effort. I think if I have kids I would focus on telling them they worked hard and did a good job rather than they achieved things just because they're smart.
I saw this study too so while I do sometimes tell her she is smart I also try to emphasize that she worked hard to get a perfect score on a test or do well on an assignment. She's only in first grade though so I'm not sure if she "gets it".
I also try to emphasize that she worked hard to get a perfect score on a test or do well on an assignment.
Deep thoughts with jack handy (ie. I'm using this as a jumping off point and don't mean to criticize you. I just wonder what the next generation of studies will show):
The flip side of that is did she actually work hard or was the test or assignment just easy (and well within her abilities)? I try to encourage effort and praise it when it is true. I'd guess that praising effort for something effortless is just as counter productive as praising intelligence.
I also try to emphasize that she worked hard to get a perfect score on a test or do well on an assignment.
Deep thoughts with jack handy (ie. I'm using this as a jumping off point and don't mean to criticize you. I just wonder what the next generation of studies will show):
The flip side of that is did she actually work hard or was the test or assignment just easy (and well within her abilities)? I try to encourage effort and praise it when it is true. I'd guess that praising effort for something effortless is just as counter productive as praising intelligence.
I agree, I don't tell her this daily or anything and there is certainly work that she gets that she feels is easy. I guess I'm trying to find the balance between encouraging self-confidence and also encouraging hard work.
I also try to emphasize that she worked hard to get a perfect score on a test or do well on an assignment.
Deep thoughts with jack handy (ie. I'm using this as a jumping off point and don't mean to criticize you. I just wonder what the next generation of studies will show):
I will say that intelligence only meant so much in my family and hard work was praised above all else. I came from a family of business owners who missed many holidays and birthdays because they were incredibly hard workers who wanted their businesses to do well. We even have a tradition that has gone back several generations that all weddings are held on Sundays since everyone worked Saturdays.
So, in a sense, I would be the next generation that had hard work instilled as the positive, rather than just the intelligence. It has done well for me. I can't imagine it could ever be a bad thing.
Post by ElizabethBennet on Oct 31, 2013 8:23:21 GMT -5
I think I'm above average when it comes to intelligence. I'm not genius level or anything and I know many people that are smarter than me.
I tell D she's smart all the time. One, because she is actually very smart and I'm blown away by what she knows, and two I want her to know that I think she is smart and to gain confidence in her skills. She isn't even 3 yet so she doesn't really get it, but I want to start laying the groundwork for her to have confidence in her abilities.
ETA: If I'm being tested on math or in any way spatially though I'm pretty sure I'm dumber than most.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Oct 31, 2013 8:30:01 GMT -5
I'm smart. I catch on to things pretty quickly for the most part, but I also think I work hard, proofread what I do, take notes when I'm learning, etc.
At my company, we have a special 2-year leadership development program for mostly Ivy League grads. They fired one of them over the summer, because he couldn't get to work before 10am. Ever. He only lasted a month.
1. I think I'm pretty smart, to the point that my H, who per the other thread, thinks he is the smartest man alive, will look at me and exclaim, "HOW did you know that?"
2. No kids yet, but of course, I would tell them they're smart although I would secretly pray for them to get the math skills H and I, sadly, lack.
And when it comes to useless trivia, like what presidents died on the same day or what 80s hairband had a hit called "Cherry Pie?" I am a bonafide GENIUS!
I think I'm smart in many ways. I'm good with money, know a lot of random stuff, can figure things out for myself, have good grammar. So yes, I'm smart.
I don't have kids.
BF is very smart too, academically, but there are so many things he doesn't know, from more of a societal standpoint, which I don't think makes him dumb, rather is just a result of his different upbringing.
1. Yes but I lack ambition in a lot of ways. So I don't get to apply it much. This is probably why I'm the obnoxious one at book club...
2. Yes, b/c it's true, but we try to praise their work more. "You thought that out really well, good job!" Lost on them at this age (they're like dogs, if I say stuff in a happy voice they're happy), but it's a habit we're trying to get into. Sometimes though, smart is the only thing to say! And I want them knowing that smart is more than just intelligence, it's also how you apply things etc. So using the word in that context will help, I think.
1. I'm not brilliant. I am smart enough. I had periods where I really applied myself and excelled. I am capable, though I don't always apply myself.
2. I do sometimes, but mostly praise for hardwork. Also, I believe in descriptive praise. I try to talk about the specific action that was done that was praiseworthy so it can be repeated. If praise is general then the child won't know what they did right, so they won't be able to repeat it in the future.