Does anybody regret having their kids?

[Deleted]

I miss my old life. I love my baby, but I can't do anything anymore. My 12 hour days at work are easier than the days I'm home. My baby doesn't sleep anymore than I do (well, she sleeps about 8pm - 6am, but almost always with at least one wakeup) and rarely takes a nap during the day. We live on the lake and have a boat and jet ski we can't even use because we can't take her on it. I haven't gotten to sleep in since she was born. I find myself wishing we'd waited even longer to have her. Does anyone else feel this way or am I just a selfish ass? i feel like I'm not enjoying her babyhood the way I should be...

[slug*bug]

Regret? No.

But there are definitely days that are much, much harder than I ever dreamed they'd be. And I keep telling myself that someday I will get a break. Because if there isn't light at the end of the tunnel of the constant dependency of my kids' current ages, well...

[karinothing]

I understand those feelings. I know it is hard. That being said, i don't think there is a perfect time. I mean is there every an age where you are NOT going to miss sleeping in? Or NOT want to go out on the boat on a gorgeous day?

But I think in just a few months things will be better. I think at a little over a year you could take her on the boat right with a life jacket right? Assuming you are not all crazy.

And can your DH let you sleep in on the weekends? Or on some random off day (since I know your schedule is odd).

[CloudBee]

Why can't she go on the boat with you guys? They make infant life jackets. Lots of people take babies on boats and hold them.

[Deleted]

There are times I feel like this, I miss going to movies with DH, going for long rides to nowhere, not having life revolve around naps & bedtimes. However I love the new thing that I get to do like taking ds to the zoo & beach, & for long walks. I think maybe you need a babysitter so you & DH can spend sometime doing things you used to do? Also why can't you sleep in? Your DH can't wake up early 1 or 2 mornings? I have never enjoyed sleeping in so I get up with ds with the understanding that dh does all the overnight wakeups. It's worked out well for us.

[Deleted]

Jun 27, 2012 13:05:51 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Why can't she go on the boat with you guys? They make infant life jackets. Lots of people take babies on boats and hold them.

We can take her on the boat, but we can't DO anything (we like to wakeboard, tube, etc but there are only the two of us and it obviously isn't safe to drive the boat while pulling someone and also hold an infant). Plus it is hot and she hates the life jacket so she screams...just not a very enjoyable experience

[h]

I don't regret having my kids, but I do get where you are coming from. I have two kids that barely sleep more than we do, and I have certainly had many moments when I have missed my old life and the ability to do the things I love. But it gets so much easier and more fun. The really tough years may feel like an eternity while you are living them, but in the scheme of things they are nothing. You may just not be a huge baby person. I don't love the baby days, but I do love having kids that aren't babies.

My kids are 26 months and almost 5 now, and we are having so much fun with them this summer. They love going out on my parents' boat, going swimming, etc. Last weekend we went to the beach, and my oldest had the best time learning to boogie board, and my DH had the best time teaching him. We all stayed in the ocean until we were pruney, then had a picnic on the beach, looked for crabs with our flashlights, and basically joked and giggled until like 10pm. My DH and I were actually sad when the kids feel asleep. Now that our kids can actually do stuff, we really feel like parenting is starting to be more fun than it is work. And, really, it didn't take all that long to get to this point in the grand scheme of things.

[karinothing]

Jun 27, 2012 13:10:41 GMT -5 @lilly said:

Jun 27, 2012 13:05:51 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Why can't she go on the boat with you guys? They make infant life jackets. Lots of people take babies on boats and hold them.

We can take her on the boat, but we can't DO anything (we like to wakeboard, tube, etc but there are only the two of us and it obviously isn't safe to drive the boat while pulling someone and also hold an infant). Plus it is hot and she hates the life jacket so she screams...just not a very enjoyable experience

Well, I can solve this problem. You need friends like me that love boats. Invite them over. Take turns hanging out at the hosue with the baby while the others go wakeboading

[hopecounts]

Your not selfish but you sound tired. DH and I do the 1 weekend morning off each thing and it works well for us.
How old is your baby? Older than 6 months I look into sleep training, the baby needs more sleep as much as you do, DD became such an easier baby after we ferbered her, she was so much happier and more content. She was just as exhausted as I was and needed that sleep.
Also we took DD on my ILs boat from 8 months on, we got an infant life jacket and we all enjoyed it. Why not go out on the boat as a family?

[ijack]

I agree that you sound really tired. I don't regret having my kids, but I do sometimes miss the freedom of the life I used to have. I obviously have a lot more responsibility now, which can be overwhelming at time. I think one of the best ways to cope is to try and find new hobbies. Don't do exactly the same things you did before V came along, because it's never going to be the same, but find something you can all do together that you enjoy. We love going to the pool as a family or having a water fight in the back yard (even Q gets in on the action). We even go to movies as a family (gasp, yes I take my 10 m old to movies!). No, we don't get the long leisurely dinners or travel that we used to, but we still have fun. And I definitely agree that there should be some trading off with the sleep!

[frlcb]

I also agree you sound really tired. I don't regret my kids at all, but I do miss certain things about my life pre-kids. But we have kids that are pretty go with the flow.

You and your husband should each have a day a week where you can lie in.

[theintended]

Everyone has days like this. It gets better. But in the meantime, before she' jumping into the lake with you and going tubing (which will be ridiculously fun when you get there), you need to find a way to go out and enjoy these things on your own.

Sounds like you're burned out from focusing just on the baby and only the baby in your free time. That's fixable. Why haven't you slept in yet? Schedule that and make it happen. Get a babysitter for an afternoon the next time you and your husband have a day off together and go out on the boat. Make it a regular thing through the summer so you don't feel like you're missing out on one of the major perks of living where you do. It's worth it to feel like yourself again.

[h]

My kid started tubing on the lake with us at around 2.5, and it is so, so fun! You will be there before you know it.

[Deleted]

Jun 27, 2012 13:27:48 GMT -5 theintended said:

Everyone has days like this. It gets better. But in the meantime, before she' jumping into the lake with you and going tubing (which will be ridiculously fun when you get there), you need to find a way to go out and enjoy these things on your own.

Sounds like you're burned out from focusing just on the baby and only the baby in your free time. That's fixable. Why haven't you slept in yet? Schedule that and make it happen. Get a babysitter for an afternoon the next time you and your husband have a day off together and go out on the boat. Make it a regular thing through the summer so you don't feel like you're missing out on one of the major perks of living where you do. It's worth it to feel like yourself again.

I know I should do this, but I feel SO guilty. Since I work, I feel like I need to be home with her all the time when I am off. I don't know how to get over that.

[Deleted]

But in a few years, you'll have an additional person to boat with, play in the water with, etc.
As others have said, you sound burnt out--is there someone that could watch your baby for a day/night so you could sleep in or do something sans child? I know its hard sometimes to admit that we need some help--but I would have killed for someone to do that for me AND had the smarts to realize it was a good idea!

I said in another post a few days ago, that there were points where I would think WTH did I have a child, but it does get better. I'm taking my DS to the lake this weekend, and I can't wait because I know how excited he's going to be, which makes me even happier!

[Deleted]

Jun 27, 2012 13:29:57 GMT -5 @lilly said:

Jun 27, 2012 13:27:48 GMT -5 theintended said:

Everyone has days like this. It gets better. But in the meantime, before she' jumping into the lake with you and going tubing (which will be ridiculously fun when you get there), you need to find a way to go out and enjoy these things on your own.

Sounds like you're burned out from focusing just on the baby and only the baby in your free time. That's fixable. Why haven't you slept in yet? Schedule that and make it happen. Get a babysitter for an afternoon the next time you and your husband have a day off together and go out on the boat. Make it a regular thing through the summer so you don't feel like you're missing out on one of the major perks of living where you do. It's worth it to feel like yourself again.

I know I should do this, but I feel SO guilty. Since I work, I feel like I need to be home with her all the time when I am off. I don't know how to get over that.

Just do it. Get some sleep, get some time to do something fun and unbabyfriendly... and then you'll realize that you really do love and enjoy the baby a lot more. I have days that I just want to wind back the clock and have my freedom back, but it's entirely about being exhausted. I get an extra couple hours of sleep and I'm a new person.

I ran away from home for a night when DS was 8 months old because I was going to lose my shit if I didn't get some sleep. I slept for 8 hours, came home, and was ready to be a mom again. Bliss. My house is too small to just make DH take a night - the crying always woke me.

[Deleted]

Jun 27, 2012 13:31:12 GMT -5 jillbot5000 said:

If anyone on here does, they probably don't have the cajones to admit it.

Sorry you're struggling. Don't you have overbearing in-laws that you could ask to come on one of your day offs just for a few hours in the morning to sleep in, and then to babysit while you and your H go play on the water?

LOL. Yes, I totally have overbearing (but very well meaning) in laws who would love to come over and watch her. It is just that they watch her the three days a week that I work already and I'm afraid she'll love them more than me if I let them watch her anymore! I'm sure that sounds ridiculous, but I'm jealous that they are retired and get to have her when they can do all fun stuff with her but when I have her I have all the household crap to take care of while trying to keep her happy.

[kittycatlove]

I agree that you sound burnt out. I do miss some of the things we used to be able to do w/o kids, but I'm also looking forward to all the things that we can do with DS. I didn't love the baby stage, but now that DS is 14 months I'm starting to enjoy it so much more. This summer has been hard not being able to do some of the outdoor stuff that we like to to (it's just more of a hassle and turns into not being fun right now), but I'm looking forward to next year when I know it will be a blast.

I also agree about rotating who gets to sleep in. We do that and it is VERY helpful.

[liveintheville]

I never regretted having kids but I most definitely regretted not doing certain things more often or enjoying them more before having kids.

Going to the movies on a whim? Eating at a restaurant with table cloths? Siting in a cafe reading a book and managing to drink a hot drink? ----> I took all these things for granted and seriously regret not doing them more often or enjoying them.

But it gets easier and you learn work arounds as they get older and you can reason with them. If my four year old won't let me drink coffee in peace, we don't go to the park. Hey, everyone has their breaking point, right?

[theintended]

Jun 27, 2012 13:29:57 GMT -5 @lilly said:

I know I should do this, but I feel SO guilty. Since I work, I feel like I need to be home with her all the time when I am off. I don't know how to get over that.

Think about time spent with your own parents when you were a kid. Was it more enjoyable when they had energy and the attention span to pay attention to you, or was the time better when they were clearly stressed and just going through the motions?

Honestly, you get over it by just doing it. Kids thrive on love and attention. But that doesn't mean it has to -- or should -- come from parents 100% of the time. Maybe there's a grandparent who would enjoy this designated time alone with her?

[Mrs.Syntax]

Jun 27, 2012 13:05:51 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Why can't she go on the boat with you guys? They make infant life jackets. Lots of people take babies on boats and hold them.

Yes, we've taken DD out on a boat as young as 4 months. But you can't really "do" anything - go fishing, jump out and swim, just lay out in the sun... it wasn't at all relaxing when we had DD out there.

[mrshandy]

Sometimes I definitely dream of our days of leisure pre-baby.

The only time I've slept in since having DS is when we had our first kids-free vacation. I highly recommend one of those when the time is right.

Otherwise, I just can't sleep with DS running around. We're kind of attached at the hip.

It's a hard transition, but things get easier as they get older.

[dcrunnergirl]

I'd seriously think about talking to your dr. about PPD, and about taking a day to just sleep. I felt the same way and worse after having my kids. I finally started getting sleep when they were about 8 months, and felt like a new woman. In addition, that sleep gave me the perspective to see that what I was suffering from was PPD. I so wish I had gotten help.

If you haven't, I'd also sleep train your DD. She needs naps and good night sleep to develop. You're giving her the gift of sleep by doing it.

[Mrs.Syntax]

I really miss a lot of things about not having this kind of responsibility. I try to remember that I'm kind of "paying my dues" by putting in a lot of work now; it will get a lot easier once our kids are old enough to be more independent.

I agree with the others that you are probably burnt out. Can your H give you a night off so you can have a nice dinner with a friend, go shopping by yourself, etc.? That's what I ask for when I need a break. Don't worry about being away from your DD for an additional few hours - she won't remember!

[DirtyMartini]

I do not regret it. At all. However, recently DH is talking about separatin and I think of how different things would be if we didnt have kids. They are not the cause, but if I become single again I think I just want to drink heavily for days sand drown my sorrows alone. In the end, though, I do have my babies.

[Deleted]

Hugs, Lilly.

I agree you need some "you" time--- if all you are doing is working and being with DD, you are going to be burned out. Especially if you only work 3 days a week (and yes, working is easier than being with DD for me). She is NOT going to love anyone more than she loves you. Promise.

I agree that maybe you need to see someone. While its certainly normal to feel this way the first year, if its not getting better as DD gets older, maybe you could benefit from therapy or even an antidepressant.

[Deleted]

I get where you're coming from. Parenting is hard work. The aspect of it that I had the hardest time adjusting to (and that I still struggle with some days, especially now being 39 weeks pregnant) is that it is so relentless. It literally never ends! Of course I knew that going in, but sometimes you really have to experience something for yourself to completely understand it. I feel it the most when we come back from a tiring day out with the kids somewhere. All I want to do is sit down and veg for an hour but of course the kids need to be fed, bathed, read to, tucked into bed, ect. ect. Then we collapse into bed ourselves and get up to do it all over the next day.

I don't regret having kids but I'd be lying if I said I never missed our old life or that I don't occasionally envy our childfree friends. Just the other day DH and I were joking that about what great dog parents we would have made and that we totally missed our calling there, lol.

I said this in another post yesterday but what helps me the most is just reminding myself that we're in a hard phase right now. Our kids are really young and still needy. We can't just leave them behind whenever we feel like going out without them. Unfortunately But it won't be like this forever or even for very long really. It also helps to remind myself that we chose this. We wanted to have a big, busy family life. Well we got what we wanted and then some! lol. But most of the time we do enjoy it and it helps to take the kids out for a fun activity (like going to the beach or to the zoo or even just to the playground) to remind ourselves of that.

And finally, I strongly advise hiring whatever help you can afford and taking up whatever help friends or family members offer. It took me a while to get over the guilt of doing that and I still struggle with it now. My kids are at my inlaws right now and I kind of feel bad about that, like I'm somehow shirking my duty or taking advantage of them even though they offered, but I really shouldn't. They're all having a marvelous time. For whatever reason, people in our generation feel like we have to do everything ourselves, especially when it comes to our kids, but I think that is a really recent phenomenon and short sighted. Kids do better when they have more adults in their lives who care for them and parents need a break sometimes too.

Hang in there, I know how tough it can be. But I believe it will get better!

[Wines Not Whines]

I totally understand your feelings. I felt the same way during my son's first year. It's got MUCH better since then (he's almost 2 now). I just didn't love the baby stage at all. It keeps getting better and easier. Hang in there.

[froggy76]

I understand how you're feeling (see my post from a couple days ago- "Do you love being a mom?"

I not sure I regret it, but I REALLY need a break. I would just love one night that isn't consumed with feeding DD, trying to cram in quality play time with her, bathing her, washing bottles, laundry, pumping, etc. She is a great sleeper, so I don't even have the excuse that I'm tired. I just really miss my down time. I feel like a machine- work, take care of DD, sleep, wake up and do it all over again.

[madringal]

You are in the hardest part right now. They are so hard to wrangle and keep entertained from 10 months to about 2.5 years. There is so little you can do to correct them. You really are at their mercy and I think they know it! It will get better, but I am sure you have heard that a million times. The only advice I can offer is put the baby in a high chair, give him a banana, and turn on some elmo. That should buy you about 20 extra minutes in the morning, or a 20 minute nap during the day.