Post by oregonpachey on Jun 27, 2012 14:19:02 GMT -5
Please don't take this the wrong way or get offended when I ask this. Is it possible you have PPD or PPA?
Let me tell you my experience: When my first son was born, I DID regret having him. And I felt like shit. I missed my old life, I missed time with my husband, I missed sleep (both my kids are horrible sleepers).
When he was 6 months old I realized that what I was feeling wasn't normal. I was supposed to be happy and joyous that I had this baby in my life and I wasn't.
I regretted having him - I admitted that to myself.
I finally admitted something was wrong and went to my doctor and was diagnosed with PPD. I went on meds and can tell you that since then, I feel much better. I actually enjoy my kids now. I don't regret them now. Yes, I do miss sleep and tons of my old life but I don't wish I had never had them.
Thanks all, it is helpful to hear some different perspectives...I wish I had some mom friends around here. I know I should go see someone but then that is more stress with scheduling, babysitting, etc...ugh. I might just put myself back on zoloft and see if that helps.
I told DH that the GBCN ladies said he should let me sleep in tomorrow and he said ok-- I guess that's a start Maybe I'll get a babysitter this weekend to watch V so we can go out on the boat...
Thanks all, it is helpful to hear some different perspectives...I wish I had some mom friends around here. I know I should go see someone but then that is more stress with scheduling, babysitting, etc...ugh. I might just put myself back on zoloft and see if that helps.
I told DH that the GBCN ladies said he should let me sleep in tomorrow and he said ok-- I guess that's a start Maybe I'll get a babysitter this weekend to watch V so we can go out on the boat...
I think that all sounds great. Also, don't feel bad about leaving V. When my PPD was at its worst, DH and I signed up for our running group again--an activity we LOVED before kids. It meant we dropped our LOs off with MIL on Saturday mornings for a few hours. Honestly, getting back to my old hobby just a little bit made me such a happier, better mother. I enjoyed the rest of the time with my kids. This year, we aren't doing our running group, but I really feel like getting back to it last year, even though it meant less time with the kids, got me over the hump.
I was just talking to friends today about how I daydreamed about sitting on the couch for the afternoon. You're not alone. I have good days and bad and today is bad.
Get some rest, take some for yourself, and try not to let the guilt get you. The baby will still love you as much as grandma, and everyone will be happier. I would even try to do a weekend or night away with DH if you can swing it.
If you get the rest and some you time and still feel like that, I agree that you should talk to someone about the possibliity of depression.
Definitely try to do things you enjoyed before having a baby on a regular basis though.
The early months are TOUGH for a lot of people. It will get better. Your child will get older and you'll get to do more things.
Can you have someone watch her for a few hours while you go on the lake?
you've gotten to the point that you realize you need me time. Now you need to put the effort into making it happen. It won't happen by itself, you need to schedule things. Happier mama = happier baby = happier family
Good luck to all of you. Down time is extremely important, alone and with your DH too. The guilt will decrease as you try and refresh yourself more often, I promise. Also, it helps finding other people in your situation to just talk about this stuff. I really cannot express how grateful I am for the mom friends I hung out with during the first year. Without them, I don't know how I would have made it. lol.
I don't regret having kids but honestly I think the issue here is that you're in a short term pain point. I can't tell how old your child is (but seems to young not to have a nap) but these things will change a lot over time. Next year you'll have a lot more freedom. I am looking forward to next summer a lot. We'll have one nap rather than 2 per day and my "baby" will be walking and talking and we can finally do stuff like go berry picking or maybe a small amusment park like sesame place. We still enoy our lives now, but yes there are limits.
As to the rest of it -- get a baby sitter once a month and get out and do what you want, or bring friends who can help with the baby on the boat. Yes it is hard to get out but you CAN do it and I think you should make it a priority.
No. But your question doesn't seem that different from the one I asked the other day (about "missing out" on things that single friends do). I do think finding a balance is so important.
And you really need to let go of the guilt. Working does not mean you shouldn't have any time for yourself.
Big hugs, Lilly. I think the things you need most are 1) sleep 2)some personal time 30 friendship and support of other moms. For sleep it sounds like you are making a good start about talking to your husband about scheduling time to sleep in. it's also okay to take a nap while baby is playing with grandma or babysitter. Even though you are only working 3 days, at 12 hrs per day you are essentially working a full work week crammed into 3 days and then another fulltime job of taking care of V and the house on the other days. That would exhaust anyone. Luckily you have the resorces to hire help and I think you would ultimately feel sooo much better if you outsourced some of the household stuff and gave yourself an afternoon off one in awhile. In regards o making some mom friends, that one's a little harder, but look around the internet for mom's groups, support groups, meetup.com, etc. Another way to meet other moms is join something like Gymboree or Music Together.
Post by barefootcontessa on Jun 27, 2012 18:33:01 GMT -5
Sorry you are struggling Lilly. It sounds to me like you might want to outsource some of the household stuff so you can create some margin for yourself. What everyone says about babies and kids growing up fast is true. My oldest is school age now and I can hardly believe it. It is hard to enjoy your child and soak things when you are chronically exhausted. I would do whatever you can to get the sleep you need. I had a baby wake up multiple times until he was a year and I remember struggling. Can you hire a night nurse?
Post by sarahlindsay on Jun 27, 2012 18:56:09 GMT -5
I am late to the post, but I wish you the best, Lilly - it can be so hard to find balance so that you feel like yourself...and you might miss old elements of your life for a while. But I agree with other posters that sometimes the baby stage and adjusting to so many demands is really really tough. Hugs.
Post by hannamarin on Jun 27, 2012 19:38:07 GMT -5
I will admit that I felt this way from week 1 - week 3. A bit of a "what have we done?" and I truly believed if I could go back to my self 9 mths before and talk to my self, I would not have got pregnant. It was rough. And I felt so guilty even thinking it because I loved my baby so much and didnt want her not to be there. Now I love all of it most of the time. However, there are some days, I just want a minute for me where I dont have to think about doing a baby related thing. I can just do a me thing. Go shopping, sit on the couch, nap, etc.
No but it's soooo hard! But it gets so much better. I know it seems like it will last forever but babyhood is short in the scheme of things--you'll get to the part that's good (mostly) soon.
I miss my old life. I love my baby, but I can't do anything anymore. My 12 hour days at work are easier than the days I'm home. My baby doesn't sleep anymore than I do (well, she sleeps about 8pm - 6am, but almost always with at least one wakeup) and rarely takes a nap during the day. We live on the lake and have a boat and jet ski we can't even use because we can't take her on it. I haven't gotten to sleep in since she was born. I find myself wishing we'd waited even longer to have her. Does anyone else feel this way or am I just a selfish ass? i feel like I'm not enjoying her babyhood the way I should be...
Ditto everyone who says you need to carve out some time for you.
I felt this way most of the first 5 months of DD's life. She was a terrible sleeper, I was insanely exhausted, and I barely ever got to leave the house because she didn't sleep on the go (e.g. in her carseat or stroller) and couldn't stay up long between naps (because she would only do 20-40 minute catnaps). While I love her and would never give her up, I thought to myself many many times that if I could go back in time I would have told DH no when he asked if we could start TTC.
Things improved dramatically when I returned to work when DD was 5.5 months. My job is low-key right now, so during the day I have time to breathe, occasionally meet a friend for lunch, surf the Internet, take care of some errands, etc. -- stuff I never got to do before I came back because I was 24/7 focused on DD. Make no mistake, DD is still not a great sleeper and I am still exhausted, but I find just having a little bit of "me" time (even if it is just reading a book on my lunch break) has made a HUUUGE difference.
I am gathering that your child is under 1 year, perhaps well under (I didn't see her age in the thread; sorry if I missed it).
I think the way you feel is really normal for the first year. REALLY normal. But that doesn't mean that you can't make it better (read: but you can make it better). I'm going to ditto basically every PP, which is that you are going to be a better mom if you find a way to get some rest. No, that's not going to fix the jet ski problem, but almost every problem is going to look better when you are not so run down.
Your child is not going to love your inlaws more. Please just believe me on this; or trust me even if you don't believe me. You are approaching serious burnout, and you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your baby. Get some help that will allow you perhaps a two-day back-to-back R&R period. Sleep in. Rest. Chill. Breathe. And breathe.
You aren't a bad mom. On the contrary, you're killing yourself trying to be a great mom.
Great advice so far. Definitely take some "me" time! You WILL be a better mother for it.
Wanted to speak to the grandparent aspect. My parents watch DS 2 days a week and pretty much have his entire life (he's 3.5 now). He usually spends the night inbetween at their house (so I get a night every week for me!).
He LOVES them. LOVES them. Heck, when he's upset that I"m not giving him what he wants, or just being strict about something, he'll cry "I want grammie!!!!".
But - they still aren't mom and dad. Just last night, my mother was putting him to bed and he asked "Can I go home and see mama? I miss mama.".
And he does the same thing w/ them - when he doesn't get his way, it's "I want my mama!!!".
You're the mom and nothing can ever ever change that.
I don't regret having our DD, but I get what you're saying. I always feel tied down since I am BFing, and while I think it'll get better once she weans off a bit, I know it'll still be difficult.
I agree that you need some you time. Glad you asked your DH to watch V so you could sleep. That's a great start!
Post by littlemermaid on Jun 28, 2012 8:43:09 GMT -5
You need to remember that first and foremost you need to take care of yourself otherwise you won't be able to take care of your baby. Make time for yourself, get someone over to watch the baby. A few hours one night a week isn't going to matter to the baby. It can bond with a grandparent or a really good sitter. You need to recharge yourself. As for the boating, invite friends over, or hire a babysitter to come along.
But let me just put this out there, my kids are 11 years old and 9 years old and when I look back now to when they were little it is just a short blip on the screen. It feels like forever when you are going through this stage and you feel like you miss all the freedom that you had but in the end it was just a short time in your life and that precious baby is so worth sacrificing some freedom and missing out on some activities. But everything is possible you just have to find ways to do it. So hire sitters, relatives, use the wonderful resources we have at our disposal in this country and use them because you and your husband also need to continue to nurture your relationship so your child will have happy parents.