S/O Treating steps different than bio kids

[nomad100]

Scotty's post got me thinking.

If DH and I have/adopt a child, I know my parents will likely want to create some sort of education trust for him/her and include them in their estate planning.

They haven't done this for DH's kids from his first marriage and to my knowledge have no plans to do so.  My parents send the kids Christmas presents and birthday presents and email with them regularly but are not an active part of their daily lives. 

Now I am concerned because while our hypothetical child is just that, hypothetical, I wouldn't want to cause any issues or feelings of favoritism if this situation happens.  But at the same time, I don't want to deny our child the opportunities that an education fund may provide them. 

Ugh, blended families are hard. 

[whattheheck]

Would you expect your step-kids maternal grandparents to set up educational funds for your hypothetical kid? I don't see the difference.

[zoidberg]

Nov 9, 2013 19:19:06 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

Would you expect your step-kids maternal grandparents to set up educational funds for your hypothetical kid? I don't see the difference.

You really don't see a difference? Really?

[whattheheck]

Nov 9, 2013 19:21:37 GMT -5 zoidberg said:

Nov 9, 2013 19:19:06 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

Would you expect your step-kids maternal grandparents to set up educational funds for your hypothetical kid? I don't see the difference.

You really don't see a difference? Really?

So two sets of grandparents looking out financially for hypothetical kids are fine, but the step-kids are entitled to three sets of grandparents looking out for them financially?  I'm not talking about day to day, holidays, gift giving, etc. - then the grandparents should treat all kids in the household equally. 

[Jermys]

I wouldn't find it odd for your parents to set up a trust for their grandchild and not their step-grandchildren. It's a different relationship. Your step kids presumably have two sets of regular grandparents to set up a trust for them.

[zarapipe]

reasonable. My step dad is a widower. My step sisters (2) will each inherit 30% of my step dad and moms estate. My brother and I will each get 20%.

My step dad is their only living parent- their mom died when they were teenagers. I have my dad still, so my brother and I still have him and his estate.

[zoidberg]

Nov 9, 2013 19:25:44 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

Nov 9, 2013 19:21:37 GMT -5 zoidberg said:

You really don't see a difference? Really?

So two sets of grandparents looking out financially for hypothetical kids are fine, but the step-kids are entitled to three sets of grandparents looking out for them financially?  I'm not talking about day to day, holidays, gift giving, etc. - then the grandparents should treat all kids in the household equally. 

In this case, her step children are her parents step grandchildren. Her hypothetical future kid would be in no way, shape, or form the step grandchildren of her husband's ex's parents. They would have virtually no relationship at all, except probably meeting a few times. You think that is the same?

ETA my objection to your analogy is not based on who deserves what, but rather that it's just plain incorrect. Not the same at all.

[nomad100]

Nov 9, 2013 19:35:48 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Nov 9, 2013 19:28:14 GMT -5 Jermys said:

I wouldn't find it odd for your parents to set up a trust for their grandchild and not their step-grandchildren. It's a different relationship. Your step kids presumably have two sets of regular grandparents to set up a trust for them.

Or they don't.  And they know that their step-sibling is very lucky, and they aren't.  In my situation, my blood relatives do not have a lot of money--there's no such thing as inheritance, going to college, etc.  My stepmom has a lot of affluent relatives.

Trust me, just don't tell them.   It really feels like a punch in the gut, especially if the kids will have to struggle to make it through school.

TBH, I have no idea what situation their maternal relatives are in financially.  So they may have an education fund already all taken care of since any discussions DH has tried to have with the kids about scholarships and grants and financial aid/loans have been rebuffed.

Like I said, this is all hypothetical since we are struggling with IF and I would me AMA. 

But I agree that telling them would serve no purpose.  And if I have my way, they wouldn't know about the extent of any education fund until after college so they don't flake out and go to school on the 8 year plan.

[zoidberg]

Nov 9, 2013 19:48:29 GMT -5 socratic said:

Nov 9, 2013 19:40:51 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Word.

I feel stupid cause I don't see the difference, I think I should but I don't. My sister has a step-daughter are we saying she should be included in my mom's will? ( I have no idea whether she isnor not.)

You think that the step grandparents of these children have the same relationship with them as the parents of her husband's ex-wife would have with her future child?

How is that even possible? The ex is not the step mother of her ex's kids with someone else. You people are weird.

[zoidberg]

I really don't give a crap which hypothetical children get which hypothetical money. I just cannot wrap my head around thinking that the step grandparents, the parents of the woman who married the father of some children and took them into her home and family, are thought to have a relationship equivalent to the parents of the husband's ex wife with his children with another woman. In the one case, the step mom is taking a parental role and therefore her parents are taking a grandparental role. In the other case, the ex-wife has nothing to do with the children that her ex has with someone else, but her parents are somehow grandparents to those kids? They probably would never even meet!


ETA i see that you deleted your post and now mine looks ranty and out the blue. Well played.

[zoidberg]

I think that the grand parents are not obligated to treat the children the same, but it would be a very kind and loving thing to do. Especially if the children came into their lives at a very young age.

[zoidberg]

And it's not even really about the money, it's about making the kids feel loved and like they are a part of the family rather than interlopers.

[papie]

Nov 9, 2013 19:28:14 GMT -5 Jermys said:

I wouldn't find it odd for your parents to set up a trust for their grandchild and not their step-grandchildren. It's a different relationship. Your step kids presumably have two sets of regular grandparents to set up a trust for them.

Yep
BIL has two kids from a previous relationship, and one with SIL (and another one on the way). My ILs contribute to their grand children's college funds but not the step grandchildren. I have never once thought this was weird. They have their own grandparents.

[nomad100]

OK, not to stir the pot on this but does it make a difference how old the kids were when DH and I married? Someone, can't remember who, mentioned "young age."

The kids were in middle school and didn't spend any real time with my parents until a couple of years later since we all lived in different states for the first few years we were married. Now that my DH and I live close to my parents, the kids have a closer relationship with them much to the dismay of my MIL.

But that is a whole other post since MIL is very jealous of any relationship my parents have with the kids and she feels like she needs to compete with them on everything.

[dizzydee]

I have a stepfather and I would in no way shape or form expect his parents or siblings to have left me anything in their wills. I called his parents grandma and grandpa and we had a close relationship. I had 1 living grandmother and that was it, so they were really like my only grandparents. When they died my stepbrothers all got 20 grand a piece, I never once thought that I should have received anything.

[papie]

Nov 9, 2013 20:57:23 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

I think a lot of it has to to with the depth of the relationship that you have with the step-parent.

But you can have a deep relationship with your stepparent without having a deep relationship with their extended family.

[wrathofkuus]

I'm with Scotty on this. People need to use their damn heads and value the feeling of inclusion over the waters of birth.

[hopecounts]

I think depending on the kid and specific circumstances it can be hurtful to be excluded.
My advice, skip the educational trust and just leave it to y'all at which point you can choose to put it itowards education for the kids or otherwise use it as you see fit.
Or have them just contribute to a college savings fund or a savings account for your child, while y'all controbute to savings for the stepkids. That way you don't have to make an issue of where it came from (little jimmy has a college fund the same as you two had) and even if it comes out its a ey contributed to little jimmy which allowed us to contribute more to your funds.

[wrathofkuus]

Scotty, I sympathize. I don't have stepfamily or anything right now (used to), but I find the in-law experience to be much like this.

[redheadk]

My sister has a stepdaughter. She's been in our lives since she was 3. I think of her as my niece as does my other sis, my mom thinks of her as her granddaughter.

If we were talking about a child that was an adult when the parent remarried, that would be a different situation but I look at my niece and can't imagine treating her differently. She is not a second class citizen.

Do you include your parents as grandparents when it comes to your stepkids? Can you do more to help them form a relationship? Are your parents open to being active grandparents in their lives?

[pixelpassion]

Ugh, I've been in situations like these a million times over. My father has bought cars and other expensive items for my stepbrother, but treats my brother and I like we aren't his children.

What's worse was that my dad had originally agreed to pay a large portion of me & FI's wedding from money that was meant to be given to me from my grandparents, and instead he gave us only half (after we booked a lot of stuff) because my stepmother didn't want my father to give us that much money.

Whatever you decide to do, I think a lot of it is contingent on how deep the relationship is, like Scotty said.

[sonrisa]

Let's turn the tables. Let's say you have step grandparents who are a burden on the family - financially, emotionally, whatever. Do you owe them the same support you would your biological grandparents or do the obligations fall to their biological children and grandchildren? Family relations are complicated.

[nomad100]

Nov 9, 2013 22:20:19 GMT -5 redheadk said:

Do you include your parents as grandparents when it comes to your stepkids? Can you do more to help them form a relationship? Are your parents open to being active grandparents in their lives?

We try to include them as much as possible.

However, we have an added "fun" dynamic of my MIL, their bio-grandmother, being jealous of any time they spend with my parents.  She thinks that any relationship they have with my folks somehow diminishes her relationship with them.  So this makes things difficult since the kids really like spending time with my parents and with her. 

MIL also thinks she is in some sort of weird, and totally made up in her head, competition with my parents.  For example, my parents told the kids that when they graduated from college they would take them on a trip anywhere they wanted to go.  That went over like a lead balloon with MIL, who started promising the kids all kinds of stuff to try to compete.  It is nuts and we have tried to shut that shit down but there is only so much DH can do.

So this whole dynamic is difficult since we try to shield the kids from it since they don't need to be aware or involved in this MIL created drama.