I think I need to break up with a friend.

[julez]

But I'm not sure I can, because we have too many friends in common and would still see each other all the time.

On the other hand, I'm so tired of the drama she is always creating out of nowhere, and I'm done dealing with it.

I'm torn between calling her out on all of her crap - there has been a lot lately - and just letting it fall by the wayside and only interacting with her when I see her in group settings.

Thoughts?

[WOT?*]

Plan B. Ignore except when necessary. She can't pull you in if you ignore and refuse to be pulled in.

[Deleted]

ignore her, it's way easier.

[julez]

Jun 27, 2012 14:37:26 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

If it's me, then I say ignore it and continue the friendship.

Anyone else, call her out or ignore her until she gets the hint.

Ha ha... I wish that we ran into each other all the time! Tell me again why you live in the boonies?

[Deleted]

Ignore, nothing good will come from calling her out. She'll get that you don't buy her shit when you don't participate in her shenanigans.

P.S. What does she do that so awful?

[julez]

Jun 27, 2012 14:40:48 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

Ignore, nothing good will come from calling her out. She'll get that you don't buy her shit when you don't participate in her shenanigans.

P.S. What does she do that so awful?

Well, I do think that if I call her out only then will she know that I don't buy her shit. As it stands now, we go through the same drama cycle every few months, and I wind up apologizing for something I've not done - and am therefore not sorry about. I'm trying to be more assertive (but not in a mean way) and not let people walk all over me. Calling her out on her crap would definitely up the awkward factor, but it would also lend itself well to Project Don't Be a Doormat.

So... yeah.

[leeann]

I vote ignore-if you call her out, you're just providing new drama for her to feed off of

[Deleted]

I agree with Project DBAD, but if she's already a drama queen, she's just going to amp it up, and that's obviously a territory she has way more expertise in than you do.

[Cayl]

Well that's different. If her BS ends up with you apologizing for no good reason then I would call her out at those times. I would ignore her otherwise, but there's no need for you to actively feed into her crap.

[mrsjuleshs]

I would probably just ignore it since you have to deal with this person on a regular basis.

[murklins]

Actively ignore her. Learn to give nonstarter answers to her drama. That's really satisfying and always makes me feel like Not a Doormat. In the end, it completely neutralizes drama queens (or at least drives them away). It's the only way I've ever found to kill the drama.

[julez]

The Story for anyone who's interested:

We became friends 4-5 years ago. She went to college with H, they have the same circle of friends whom we see fairly often. Friend has a son just a few months older than DD. We became pretty close when we were pregnant at the same time and they moved into our neighborhood. She had her H split up shortly after their son was born.

We used to spend a TON of time together since we're neighbors, and because my H was always working and studying (grad student.) H has since finished his program and will graduate in a few months. We went through a super stressful period where we thought we were going to have to sell our house and move (and take a super hit to the wallet to do so) and so we were kind of scrambling to get our ducks in a row. Needless to say, for a few weeks I didn't see anyone. I communicated really clearly to Friend that it was nothing personal at all, we were just very busy. We did see them a couple of times out and about in the neighborhood, and everything seemed fine. Kids played, we were normal-friendly, whatever.

Two weekends ago friend mentioned in passing that maybe we should get together over the weekend. I said, "sure, maybe! Let's check in at the end of the week." Well, weekend rolls around and we had unexpected company and I wound up working one of the nights, so I didn't call Friend. She didn't call, either, so I didn't figure it was a big deal as no plans were actually made.

This past weekend we were all at a BBQ together. Friend took one look at me when our family walked into the party and got up and moved to the other side of the yard. I went and sat down by her and said, "hey, Friend, how are you? What have you been up to?" Nothing. She flat-out ignored me and struck up a convo with someone else. Five minutes later, my H sat down next to me and she stood up, walked over to H, greeted him, HUGGED HIM, and asked him what he'd been up to. Fuck that.

Later in the afternoon I went in the house and grabbed food for DD. She walked in and was chatting with another friend. After a few minutes, we were alone, and Friend suddenly looks up, grabs her kid, and says, "I'm sorry, we'll get out of your way" and left the house. W.T.F.

Finally I cornered her and said, kindly, "are you upset with me?" and she told me some bullshit story about how I'm ignoring her, don't have time for her, and she can see on Facebook that I have time for other people. Um, what? I rarely post anything on FB, and I don't "check in" anywhere, etc, or really give any indication as to what I'm up to activity-wise. So again, what?

She tells me that she figured that she was "in my way" and thus instructed her 3 y/o son to "stay away" from us and our house because we're "too busy" for them. And so she said she'd just stay out of our way until we sought her out again.

Being a total doormat, I apologized profusely for inadvertently hurting her feelings, blah, blah.

Then I went home and re-thought things and was like, "WAIT. That's bullshit." This kind of "you're too busy for me" bs/callout/apologies on my part crap happens several times a year. I've made it clear that I value her friendship, and that I like spending time with her and her child, and my DD loves her DS. We still see them practically every other day, with the exception of those crazy 3 weeks. I do NOT owe her any apologies, IMO, but I always feel compelled to apologize.

The part that really makes me angry is the fact that she flat-out ignored me but then went out of her way to gush all over H. AND she pulled her kind into it all by grabbing him and declaring that she'd keep him "out of my way." Um, what? Not cool. Downright childish.

I'm just tired of apologizing to this friend for aparently hurting her feelings by not hanging out with her enough. I could barely stomach it when it was just her telling me she was hurt, but the antics at the BBQ last weekend were the proverbial last straw. Now I'm pissed.

I sent her a bday card b/c her bday was this week, so she sent me an email this morning thanking me and then said that she was sorry I thought she was mad at me this weekend. She brushed it off and said, "sometimes I just feel so awkward when I'm upset! No hard feelings! " Um, no. You were not awkward, you were manipulative and assy.

So. I feel like I'm in sixth grade, and I'm sick of it.

/novel.

[missyny]

Jun 27, 2012 14:33:47 GMT -5 julez said:

But I'm not sure I can, because we have too many friends in common and would still see each other all the time.

On the other hand, I'm so tired of the drama she is always creating out of nowhere, and I'm done dealing with it.

I'm torn between calling her out on all of her crap - there has been a lot lately - and just letting it fall by the wayside and only interacting with her when I see her in group settings.

Thoughts?

This always seems so tricky. I have never "broken" a friendship, but I've let them fade, if ykwim?
Just fade out and don't make a big deal about it. I cannot imagine calling out a friend on her drama and then trying to act cool after the call-out. I mean, how does that go? Probably not so good.
Just fade out.
that's my advice.

[murklins]

Jun 27, 2012 14:58:39 GMT -5 julez said:

Finally I cornered her and said, kindly, "are you upset with me?"

See, I think this is where you went wrong. Next time, don't ask.

Sorry, though. That sucks.

[julez]

Jun 27, 2012 15:05:08 GMT -5 murklins said:

Jun 27, 2012 14:58:39 GMT -5 julez said:

Finally I cornered her and said, kindly, "are you upset with me?"

See, I think this is where you went wrong. Next time, don't ask.

Sorry, though. That sucks.

Yes. This is a very good point.

I don't deal well with being ignored, but I really am not dealing well with all of the shittiness being glossed over on her part.

[flex]

I would let the last assy incident go--it's water over the assy bridge. She sounds extremely childish, BTW.

However, if this kind of chidish behavior repeats itself,DO NOT apologize, AND call her on any childish antics she may display as a result of it. If she continues, tell her you're breaking up with her.

[kellbell191]

Ignore her.

[Deleted]

God, she sounds annoying.

[julez]

Jun 27, 2012 15:10:10 GMT -5 flex said:

I would let the last assy incident go--it's water over the assy bridge. She sounds extremely childish, BTW.

However, if this kind of chidish behavior repeats itself,DO NOT apologize, AND call her on any childish antics she may display as a result of it. If she continues, tell her you're breaking up with her.

I think I can let it go in that I'm not going to bring it up. But I'm having a hard time letting it go. It has changed the way I feel about our friendship, and her as a person. I knew that she handled things immaturely before, but this was a new level of immature. Frankly, I'm hurt that she told her kid to stay away from us because we're too busy for him. He's THREE. Why would she do that?

The hugging my H and getting all chummy with him bit bugs me, but I'll let it go. At least he's an adult who can see the games she's playing. But a kid? No.

[kellbell191]

I have a friend who acted like this, did the slow fade. Not dealing with her and her dramatic bullshit made me less ragey which made me want to tell her she was crazy a lot less.

DH and I still laugh at her drama llama facebook posts though.

[julez]

Jun 27, 2012 15:22:46 GMT -5 cjoy said:

On the bright side, you won't have to ignore her for long before she gets the message. 2, 3 hours?

(I) :Y: