While I do have friends, I tend to still be a loner. I'm still not sure if it's by choice, or if it's just the default. I will say that I now regret my decision of not seeking other people out when I see how socially awkward my DS is at 13. I wish I'd gotten out more, if only just to take him around and introduce him to people so he would know how to make a proper introduction. I know some of it is his age, but it kills me that he mumbles and looks downwards on intros. I just think they are so important.
Are you shy? How about putting your DD is some extracurricular activities (gymnastics?) and you can meet moms there.
I agree that at 3 I'd plan on staying - I loved the idea of bringing over cookies and a beverage of some sort.
I also want to give you a hug. It's so hard.
This is my ds too (he's 14, 15 in a few months) But his social awkwardness is on account of his Aspergers I hope no one thinks it is because I didn't take him out. I took him out plenty and he began daycare at two and went until four So he had plenty of socialization, he's just different.
And some people are just loners by nature, just like some are extroverted by nature. Neither is right or wrong, it's just a difference. You don't have to become a social butterfly if it makes you uncomfortable, ease into it. Not sure where you are in the county (weather-wise) but maybe next time ask them to your yard or something, so even if you feel anxious, you're at least at home in familiar safe surroundings Again, good luck
Well then don't screw this up by overthinking it! And you can have people,over for play dates too!
I am painfully shy. Like the paralyzed by fear kind of shy. I would love to have people over, but finding the people is the tough part. It's my own fault. If I could get over the fear and anxiety life for all would be so much better.
I am familiar with this kind of shyness, so believe me when I say you are not alone. First things first: this playdate, at 3 I'm going to say you'll be "expected" to hang with the mom at her house. Bring some cookies and you'll be fine (no peanuts, just in case).
Going forward, ask your daughter who her favorite classmate is. Nab that mom one day at pick up, and do exactly to her what this mom is doing: My daughter wants to know if classmate and you can come over for a playdate on Friday. She'd love it." Boom. There's your second playdate, right there. That mom is going to be just as nervous going to your house as you are, with exactly the same questions: Do I stay? Do I drop off? Should I bring cookies? We're all in the same boat (I've only just been in it longer because my kids are teenagers. But I still struggle with getting to be friends with the moms.)
Post by onomatopoeia on Nov 12, 2013 12:14:16 GMT -5
At that age in my experience the parent stays, especially for the first time. I would expect to stay regardless of what the other mom thought...I don't think I'd be comfortable leaving my 3 year old at a strange family's house for a few hours (and he wouldn't have been comfortable either).
I really think that at that age play-dates are usually for the moms anyway. This mom probably scoped out all the parents and decided you looked like someone she'd get along with. Maybe she has the same anxiety you do, and this is just as tough for her. Or she might be a play-date pro, in which case she'll make it easy for you.
Why don't you bake some cookies, grab something delicious to drink (mulled cider, wine if you drink, something like that) and take your kid for the play date. Extend the cookies and drink so you have an ice breaker when you stay to chat with mom.
If it helps, think in advance of a series of pretty easy topics (travel plans, holiday plans, whatever it is three year olds do...) to chat with the other mom about so if conversation seems slow you have something new to ask about. Most people can talk about themselves for hours, so at least you can keep her chatting.
Making friends can be super hard. Ugh.
This is exactly what I was going to say! Definitely bring a snack, and some prepared convo topics.
For all you know, maybe she is shy and lonely, too, and is reaching out for a friend!
kevin arnold has some great advice. Just try to be more confident. I know it's hard to do sometimes, but just fake it and believe in yourself more. Eventually it come naturally and you'll feel so much better about yourself.
I would have suggested a glass of wine to loosen things up. I don't have kids, but I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that alcohol + playdate = frowned upon.
Not in my circle, lol. Like I said above, playdates are more for the moms anyway.
With toddlers, playdates are really for the moms to hang out. That's my experience, at least, but my DD is only 2. I hope you and the mom have a nice time. Don't stress, and just enjoy the conversation with a woman who is going through the same stage of motherhood as you!
I was in the same boat as you about 7 or so years ago. Once your kids get older and involved in more things, you will create friends within those things. This is a great way to start meeting people, stay and chit chat through that playdate! Maybe next time, invite them to your house, where you will be in your comfort zone. Even if they don't become lifelong friends, they are still adults with the same issues as you....raising kids and keeping a household going.
Both of my boys play sports and are in various groups at school and I amazed at the people that I have met through them. Hockey season just started and for the first 3 or 4 weeks it is like a reunion at the rinks. People you might not see all summer long, but from October to March spend a lot of time with. Last night I was going to run errands while DS2 was on the ice but I ran into another mom in the lobby and we stayed and talked for the entire time instead. 10 years ago I would have laughed if you had told me that would be me!
Don't think the don't want to spend time with you. Most parents are so busy keeping their lives together they are in the same situation as you, and playdates are a great way to have the kids occupied and actually get to talk to big people!
At <5 you stay unless you know the family very well. I do play dates and I consider it chance to meet other families and possibly make more friends. It doesn't always work out but that is OK too. Usually I end up having tea and cookies with the mom or dad and the kids play a bit and then we leave. We talk about pretty generic stuff like the teachers, the projects kids are working, funny TV shows, life with kids etc. We used to leave my daughter up with our neighbors without us but we knew them very well and the kids knew each other well too. Overall play dates seem to be about 1 to 2 hours at most at this age.
In terms of logistics -- I never really worry too much. I always offer to host or travel and leave it up to the other family as to what works best for them. Sometimes the play date is the first time I've met the parents fact to fact which is fine. Last year a few folks did open house play dates over school closure weeks and that was nice too.
Then you stay. Get to know the mom and you'll at least have an acquaintance :-)
ETA: at this age, a drop off play date is really one parent asking the other if they can watch the kid. It isn't the kind of imposition you make on an acquaintance (absent an emergency).
Post by formerlyak on Nov 12, 2013 13:16:55 GMT -5
At 3, I'd assume you are staying. Bringing a treat to share is a good ice breaker as someone suggested.
I wish I was more outgoing when ds was 3 and hung out with the other moms more. I worked so much and was going through a divorce that free time for a playdate wasn't always available. But I find that having made friends with a lot of ds' friends' moms now, I always know what is going on, I have mom friends who volunteer in the classroom so I know what is happening in there better, and now that he is 7 and wants me to go to all these school functions with him but then runs off with his friends, it is really nice to have other moms to hang out with at said events.
Plus, you may find some people you really like and start doing non-kid things with them. We do a lot of mom's nights out and two of the moms of ds' friends are also either divorced or going through a divorce so we do many mom/son things together.
Post by speckledfrog on Nov 12, 2013 13:26:59 GMT -5
I'll ditto others and say that at 3 playdates involve moms too. I also wanted to say that this shouldn't be an embarrassing question for you. Most of us feel like we're back in junior high while trying to navigate these types of situations.
I'd go, bring a snack or a drink (cider if it feels weird bringing wine). I'd stay for two hours. It sounds like the mom is trying to make friends with you.
I wanted to add that don't be too upset if the play date is really bad. I've been on about 10 of them and they really vary. Some are a blast for everyone. Sometimes one kid will be so into the other kid's toys they won't really engage with anyone. Sometimes the kids fight. Sometimes you don't click with the parents. It is fine. Don't beat yourself up if it goes poorly. I would actually do the mental exercise of thinking about how it might go and how you want to react. I find that it helps me laugh off the issues that come up and generally remain calm.
I did play date with both kids and my daughter refused to pee on their toilet and then laid down and won't do anything else. My son (still in diapers) had a diaper malfunction and peed on their floor. I also had only a single stroller with me and the host of the play date ended up walking us home with a second stroller so my daughter didn't have to walk 1/2 mile while holding her pee. I'm still friends with the mom and we've done play dates since then that were much better.
At 3 years old I would definitely stay. This is a great opportunity to make a new friend so I hope you have fun! I can be very shy and sort of a loner but having kids really forced me to become more social and open to new friendships.
Post by happyholiday on Nov 12, 2013 13:44:47 GMT -5
Just want to say there is great advice in this thread, and I'm so glad you were brave enough to ask! I can relate to being shy and socially awkward, and just feeling isolated.
Well then don't screw this up by overthinking it! And you can have people,over for play dates too!
I am painfully shy. Like the paralyzed by fear kind of shy. I would love to have people over, but finding the people is the tough part. It's my own fault. If I could get over the fear and anxiety life for all would be so much better.
Aw please don't feel alone. There are so many people with this same fear. I have a lot of trouble meeting new people too. I always feel so self conscious and awkward. hugs.
kevin arnold has some great advice. Just try to be more confident. I know it's hard to do sometimes, but just fake it and believe in yourself more. Eventually it come naturally and you'll feel so much better about yourself.
I would have suggested a glass of wine to loosen things up. I don't have kids, but I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that alcohol + playdate = frowned upon.
Not in my circle, lol. Like I said above, playdates are more for the moms anyway.
This is the only way I could do playdates, lol. God help me if I ever have children.
Post by gustafngrete on Nov 12, 2013 16:38:09 GMT -5
I would like to add that finding other moms you like is similar to dating. Some playdates are painfully awkward, others fun and easy. Sometimes you connect with the mom, but not the kid or vice versa. You shouldn't view this particular playdate as an end all be all. Continue to put yourself out there and eventually you will find someone with whom you connect.