I have an embarrassing question

[Deleted]

I'm embarrassed even typing this out, but I have no friends.  I haven't had anything close to a friend in over 6 years.  Since I don't have any of my own my kids don't know any kids their age other than the kids at school.  My DD was just invited to have a play date at a classmates home.  My question is, am I supposed to stay with her and hang out with the mother while the kids play?  Do I just drop DD off and pick her up when they are done?  How do I ask the mother which option she prefers without being awkward?  I don't want her to feel obligated to hang out with me if that's not what she wants to do.  I also don't want to have to tell her I'm used to being alone/left out, so it wouldn't bother me if she just wants me to drop DD off. 

This is such an easy situation for most people.  I feel so pathetic!! 

[Deleted]

She is 3

[PeonyParty]

I would be in the same boat as you, so don't feel bad!

[circa1978]

At 3, I would assume I was staying unless the other mom said otherwise.

[SKP82]

I am not 100% on this, as I just have an infant, but I thought the parents are usually present during a "play date." I mean, I probably wouldn't want to leave my kid with someone I didn't know.

I definitely wouldn't say you're used to be alone or left out because that would make things awkward. Just go and try to relax and have fun.

[Booze Raccoon]

My DD is 3. I stay with her for all playdates. It's part of the culture to sit and chat with the moms at this age. No one will be "forced" to hang out with you.

I'm sure you'll have a nice time.

[eb777888]

At 3, I would definitely be staying.

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2013 10:37:58 GMT -5 PeonyParty said:

I would be in the same boat as you, so don't feel bad!

I really feel like I'm failing them.  Especially when we go places and see groups of moms/kids having a blast together.  I'm sure they wonder why it's always just me and why there are never any kids to play with.  I just don't ever want them to ever feel lonely like I do. 

[Deleted]

Can you offer to pick up breakfast or lunch for you and the mom? Then you can assess how things are going after you all are done eating.

[julez]

Nov 12, 2013 10:40:36 GMT -5 @lala1725 said:

Nov 12, 2013 10:37:58 GMT -5 PeonyParty said:

I would be in the same boat as you, so don't feel bad!

I really feel like I'm failing them.  Especially when we go places and see groups of moms/kids having a blast together.  I'm sure they wonder why it's always just me and why there are never any kids to play with.  I just don't ever want them to ever feel lonely like I do. 

I want to hug you. 

No one is looking at you and wondering why it's "just you" - I promise.   You're doing a good job, mama.

(heart)

[flutterfly]

I would stay with my 3 year-old.

[Deleted]

Well then don't screw this up by overthinking it! And you can have people,over for play dates too!

[lola]

Aww, LaLa this makes me sad!

Why don't you bake some cookies, grab something delicious to drink (mulled cider, wine if you drink, something like that) and take your kid for the play date. Extend the cookies and drink so you have an ice breaker when you stay to chat with mom.

If it helps, think in advance of a series of pretty easy topics (travel plans, holiday plans, whatever it is three year olds do...) to chat with the other mom about so if conversation seems slow you have something new to ask about. Most people can talk about themselves for hours, so at least you can keep her chatting.

Making friends can be super hard. Ugh.

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2013 10:39:17 GMT -5 @smace said:

How was the invite extended? How old are the kids? All play dates for my group include parents and ages are 11 months (wes) through 5 year old. I don't think there's anything wrong with just clarifying. You don't have to give your life history of friendlessness either, lol. Just a simple "hey I wasn't sure if you wanted DD to be dropped off your if you wanted me to stay while they played. Either is fine with me!"

It was along the lines of  "Sally" would like your DD to come over and play for a few hours.  Can she come for a visit on Friday afternoon? 

[keyslover]

Nov 12, 2013 10:40:36 GMT -5 @lala1725 said:

Nov 12, 2013 10:37:58 GMT -5 PeonyParty said:

I would be in the same boat as you, so don't feel bad!

I really feel like I'm failing them.  Especially when we go places and see groups of moms/kids having a blast together.  I'm sure they wonder why it's always just me and why there are never any kids to play with.  I just don't ever want them to ever feel lonely like I do. 

Do not feel like you are failing them.  I do not have close friends with kids, I really do not like hanging out with people too much.  I have my friends, but not a fan of people in general.  I have taken my kids to music classes, story times, the park- we get out of the house. 

I think it is also hard to really interact with adults with the kids are little, they need attention and you get interrupted quite a bit.  It is all surface talk unless you have know the people for a long time and meet without kids to chat.

For me, preschool was very important.  When DD1 turned 3 off she went so she could play with other kids.  Even now, I don't like play dates.  They aren't my thing.  They don't have to be your thing either if you don't want them to be, you can do other things with the kids.  

If you want them to be your thing, cool.  It is hard to step out of your comfort zone, but once you see your kids enjoying it, it makes it all worth while.   Sometimes you just have to say "the hell with it" and dive in.  

Good luck.  You aren't alone.  No one knows what they are doing with regards to parenting.  Even those that look like they do, don't

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2013 10:42:56 GMT -5 elle said:

Well then don't screw this up by overthinking it! And you can have people,over for play dates too!

I am painfully shy.  Like the paralyzed by fear kind of shy.  I would love to have people over, but finding the people is the tough part.  It's my own fault.  If I could get over the fear and anxiety life for all would be so much better. 

[ECB]

I had a neighborhood friend who invited DS over for a playdate when he was 3. She told me I could drop him off. Um, yeah... no. HE wouldn't let me go.

At 3, I just feel that's still a bit young for a drop off.

Now, at 4 - almost 5- he's practically kicking me out the door.

If this is a "stay" playdate, this might be a nice way for you to talk to the mom and maybe make a friend!!

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2013 10:55:51 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

Nov 12, 2013 10:33:38 GMT -5 @lala1725 said:

I don't want her to feel obligated to hang out with me if that's not what she wants to do.  I also don't want to have to tell her I'm used to being alone/left out, so it wouldn't bother me if she just wants me to drop DD off. 

I don't have kids so I don't have specific play date advice, but a few (hopefully) helpful words of encouragement.  First of all, stop assuming that someone doesn't want to hang out with you and would only do so out of obligation.  Believe me, unless you're especially smelly or crack awful jokes like me, people don't think this way.  They just don't.  And if they do, then they're not good people and it has nothing to do with you.

Secondly, don't say anything about being used to being left out.  Because then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy:  "people think I'm pathetic and only hang out with me out of obligation" comes true when you tell people you are pathetic and make them feel obligated to hang out with you out of pity.  Don't tell people to treat you like that.

I wouldn't actually tell her that I'm used to being alone. It just sounded like she only wanted DD to come over, so I don't want to intrude or assume I should just park my butt in her living room all afternoon.

[Birdie]

Nov 12, 2013 10:40:36 GMT -5 @lala1725 said:

Nov 12, 2013 10:37:58 GMT -5 PeonyParty said:

I would be in the same boat as you, so don't feel bad!

I really feel like I'm failing them.  Especially when we go places and see groups of moms/kids having a blast together.  I'm sure they wonder why it's always just me and why there are never any kids to play with.  I just don't ever want them to ever feel lonely like I do. 

My mom didn't have a huge social circle when I was growing up and I never thought anything of it. It was just what I knew. Most likely your kids are the same way. They haven't grown up and had the life experiences to realize not everyone's life is like theirs (meaning they probably aren't thinking as in depth about the situation as you are). So don't worry. Maybe this is a good opportunity to make friends? They don't have to be BFFs, but having acquaintances to talk to when kids are playing is never a bad thing.    

[twodogsandababy]

I would also assume that you would stay with the kids being so young. There is no way I would leave my three year old alone with someone I had barely met. I also wanted to say that DS has asked a lot if he can have a playdate with his friend from school and I have said no because I am uncomfortable with having to figure out how this inviting thing works! H does pick up and I do drop off and have never even seen this kids mom!

Just go, try to relax and have a good time. Hopefully the other mom will be relaxed as well and you guys can just chat and get to know each other. You could also suggest meeting at a play area instead if you would feel more comfortable with that.

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2013 11:08:13 GMT -5 twodogsandababy said:

I would also assume that you would stay with the kids being so young. There is no way I would leave my three year old alone with someone I had barely met. I also wanted to say that DS has asked a lot if he can have a playdate with his friend from school and I have said no because I am uncomfortable with having to figure out how this inviting thing works! H does pick up and I do drop off and have never even seen this kids mom!

Just go, try to relax and have a good time. Hopefully the other mom will be relaxed as well and you guys can just chat and get to know each other. You could also suggest meeting at a play area instead if you would feel more comfortable with that.

I'm thinking of doing this.  I don't want to deny DD time with her friend, so maybe a more public place will take the pressure off. Times like this make me miss my old bff more than I can bear.

[orval]

I have a similar situation except my kid is 6. He goes to Catholic school which is about 25 minutes from our house. None of the kids live near us and most live about 40 minutes away. So how do you do a play date? I wouldn't expect a parent to drop their kid off at my house 40 minutes away and then come back to get them. I have tried to come up with a place to meet but feel weird asking - I am shy as well and am unsure of the logistics.
The big issue is he has noticed he has no kids to play with. We have none in our neighborhood. We used to belong to a playgroup but once every one got to K they went in separate directions.
So I definitely recommend getting out there since she was invited and let her play!

[Deleted]

Hopefully this will be a good chance for you to make a new friend as well!

[Deleted]

Maybe the mom is looking for a new mom friend, too? Playdates at 3 are never dropoff, in my experience. And I like hanging out with other moms while our kids play. Even moms I don't know very well. I'm sure the mom who invited your child feels the same. I hope you have fun!

[koopa17]

Nov 12, 2013 10:57:42 GMT -5 @lala1725 said:

Nov 12, 2013 10:42:56 GMT -5 elle said:

Well then don't screw this up by overthinking it! And you can have people,over for play dates too!

I am painfully shy.  Like the paralyzed by fear kind of shy.  I would love to have people over, but finding the people is the tough part.  It's my own fault.  If I could get over the fear and anxiety life for all would be so much better. 

Have you considered trying medication for social anxiety? 

[Deleted]

I had the same dilemma with my daughter's first playdate. Luckily the mom said 'you can pick her up about 11 is that ok'.

She may lead off with something similar. If not, just follow her cues if she asks you in.

And hugs on the social anxiety.

[Deleted]

hugs to you. Ditto the others about staying for the playdate. Do you work outside of the home? If not, I wonder if a moms/MOPs group would be a good way you could meet some other mom friends. Or once your DD is in preschool, maybe volunteering in her class, getting to know some of the kids and friends? I hear you, making friends as an adult is tough.

[gottadobe]

While I do have friends, I tend to still be a loner.
I'm still not sure if it's by choice, or if it's just the default.
I will say that I now regret my decision of not seeking other people out when I see how socially awkward my DS is at 13. I wish I'd gotten out more, if only just to take him around and introduce him to people so he would know how to make a proper introduction. I know some of it is his age, but it kills me that he mumbles and looks downwards on intros. I just think they are so important.

Are you shy? How about putting your DD is some extracurricular activities (gymnastics?) and you can meet moms there.

I agree that at 3 I'd plan on staying - I loved the idea of bringing over cookies and a beverage of some sort.

I also want to give you a hug. It's so hard.

[cinnamoncox]

Nov 12, 2013 10:57:42 GMT -5 @lala1725 said:

Nov 12, 2013 10:42:56 GMT -5 elle said:

Well then don't screw this up by overthinking it! And you can have people,over for play dates too!

I am painfully shy.  Like the paralyzed by fear kind of shy.  I would love to have people over, but finding the people is the tough part.  It's my own fault.  If I could get over the fear and anxiety life for all would be so much better. 

Everything you are writing I could've written myself
I can totally understand, more than I would like to lol
I've recently given up on everything ad basically said fuck it, I'm who I am, people like me or they don't. I am a good person, shy, yes, anxious, yes, but I'm also nice, caring, loyal, etc.

Without actually knowing you, I'm sure you have a lot of wonderful qualities and aren't just shy and anxious. Let the other qualities shine and people will like you.
Focus on your positive qualities and the goodness you can bring to a situation.
I know, it's way easier said than done.
It's taken me 34 years and three kids (3,3, and 15) to get to this place.

Have fun and all pps have given you son great ideas such as bringing lunch or cookies etc
Good luck!

[purrbox]

kevin arnold has some great advice. Just try to be more confident. I know it's hard to do sometimes, but just fake it and believe in yourself more. Eventually it come naturally and you'll feel so much better about yourself.

I would have suggested a glass of wine to loosen things up. I don't have kids, but I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that alcohol + playdate = frowned upon.