IL mommies

[paradebegone]

Admittedly, I haven't been around much. The Baby is taking up all of my time and energy. In fact, we have concluded that we have a difficult baby. She doesn't sleep well during the day or night. Although, she'll eventually fall asleep if I wear her. She cries, rather screams, far more frequently (and louder) than any other baby I've met. And we socialize with a good number of mums and babies here.

She will be 6 months old on Sunday. (4 1/2 accounting for her early arrival) it's gotten to the point that I've taken her to her first Craniosacral therapy session yesterday. I don't know if it will help. She didn't seem to be doing much. But she did point out 1 truth--- I need to take some time away from the baby. She told me that I needed to "find myself" again.

In her 6 months of life, since we've gotten her home, I've left her exactly 3 times with my husband. 2 haircuts and one lunch at Oktoberfest (best day!) I DO need a day off! But, maybe even more so, H and I could probably use some time off together. We haven't been alone since the night before we brought her home.

So, here's my question for you IL folks.... How do I do this with a difficult baby? We don't have any family here. We certainly have friends but I don't know if we're that close for me to ask. Anyone have to deal with this type of situation? How do I trust a babysitter/stranger? If she were easy, I think I'd feel better. But she can get into uncontrollable crying fits. (So bad that H had described her as the "worst baby in the world" in a moment of complete frustration). How do I know a stranger wouldn't shake her or leave her to cry it out? Any help? Advice?

[dulcemariamar]

Hugs!!! I am sorry that things are difficult right now. Babies are hard and it sounds like you are doing a great job.

I know that you want to take time off alone with your DH but if you can try to get more alone time for yourself. Every little bit helps.

I would try to ask a friend for help. Be honest and upfront about how difficult it has been and that you need a little break. Most people are good people and want to help out if they can. If they are expats like you, they know how hard it is to live far from family.

I dont know if it is in your budget but I would start small with hiring a babysitter if that would make you more comfortable. Pay for them to watch your LO while you do stuff around the house or just take time for you to relax. Then when you feel okay with the situation and you can see that the babysitter is able to deal with your LO, then I would go out and run a short errand or two. Just take baby steps and I am sure that if you see everything is running smoothly then you will probably be able to go out and have a nice lunch with just you and your DH really soon.

Could you also enroll her in DC PT so that you can get a break?

[dulcemariamar]

And when you mean difficult do you mean that she has colic?

The women on MMM offer a great support system for those who are dealing with colic. It is nice to know that you are not the only one going through it.

[paradebegone]

I don't think it is colic because she's almost 6 months old and even with her adjusted age, she should have grown out of it. Although, she IS getting better.

But you're totally right. I made plans for next Tuesday night. DH is just gonna have to take care of her.... Give her formula, if necessary.

Thanks for the encouragement!

[dulcemariamar]

Nov 22, 2013 12:35:58 GMT -5 paradebegone said:

I don't think it is colic because she's almost 6 months old and even with her adjusted age, she should have grown out of it. Although, she IS getting better.

But you're totally right. I made plans for next Tuesday night. DH is just gonna have to take care of her.... Give her formula, if necessary.

Thanks for the encouragement!

There was a thread about this a few days ago on MMM about how colic didnt magically get better at the 12 week mark.  A lot of posters said it took 4+ months and that it was gradual.

[CakeLover]

Anyone have to deal with this type of situation? How do I trust a babysitter/stranger? If she were easy, I think I'd feel better. But she can get into uncontrollable crying fits. (So bad that H had described her as the "worst baby in the world" in a moment of complete frustration). How do I know a stranger wouldn't shake her or leave her to cry it out? Any help? Advice?



We were in a similar situation. My youngest was and still is EBF and rejected bottles, I almost had an anxiety attack when DH planned a night out and I had to leave him.  I asked one of my expat friends here for a recommendation. She gave me 4 names, I called them all and explained the situation.  I felt comfortable with 2 of them but they were not available on our date night. DS1 goes to daycare twice a week and I asked one of his teachers. She loves DS1 and I felt comfortable with her and I think because DS1 was comfortable with her so was DS2. 

Then we planned another date night and I called one of the 2 babysitters that I had previously but was not available to babysit. She is now our go to babysitter. She's a grandmother type which is really important to me, because we have no family here. The fact that she's so friendly and sweet to our kids is very important to me. To answer your questions, how do you know, you just have to trust your gut. Ask your friends first. And go to creche and or daycare center, explain your situation and ask if anyone there does babysitting on the side for extra money. Leave your name and number and when someone calls tell them about DD and don't be afraid to let them know your fears. Believe me, your baby will probably behave better for a babysitter. The night DS1 daycare teacher babysat, DS2 slept through the night for the very first time and didn't cry when she put him down without a feed. In fact he fell asleep in the highchair. Good luck, I'm sure it will all work out.

[anna7602]

DD only had a few modes for the first 4 months or so of her life- nurse, poop, sleep, and SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. I saw very, very few "quiet, alert" moments before she turned about 4 months. I still get a little twitchy now (5 years later) when I see people out in public with tiny, tiny babies who seem to be awake and just chilling out, looking at the world. That was never DD. If I wanted to leave the house with her, I had to be sure she was snuggled up in my carrier against my chest, and then the motion of walking around would put her to sleep. Once she was asleep on my chest, I could grocery shop or walk around the neighborhood or take the subway to a doctor's appointment, etc. If she was awake, all bets for peace and quiet were off.

That said, I did start working again when she was 3 months old, first from home, then in an office. I transitioned back to the office over about a month, so that was a good time to give the nanny we hired a test run. I was working at home and could see how things were going. Maybe you could do a trial run with a sitter before you up and leave the baby entirely? Hire someone to come over while you reorganize a closet or take a long, luxurious shower or work on some hobby that makes you happy (cooking or whatever) and see how it goes for a couple of hours before you commit to leaving the sitter alone with your baby?

[paradebegone]

Nov 24, 2013 9:00:16 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

DD only had a few modes for the first 4 months or so of her life- nurse, poop, sleep, and SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. I saw very, very few "quiet, alert" moments before she turned about 4 months. I still get a little twitchy now (5 years later) when I see people out in public with tiny, tiny babies who seem to be awake and just chilling out, looking at the world. That was never DD. If I wanted to leave the house with her, I had to be sure she was snuggled up in my carrier against my chest, and then the motion of walking around would put her to sleep. Once she was asleep on my chest, I could grocery shop or walk around the neighborhood or take the subway to a doctor's appointment, etc. If she was awake, all bets for peace and quiet were off.

That said, I did start working again when she was 3 months old, first from home, then in an office. I transitioned back to the office over about a month, so that was a good time to give the nanny we hired a test run. I was working at home and could see how things were going. Maybe you could do a trial run with a sitter before you up and leave the baby entirely? Hire someone to come over while you reorganize a closet or take a long, luxurious shower or work on some hobby that makes you happy (cooking or whatever) and see how it goes for a couple of hours before you commit to leaving the sitter alone with your baby?

That sounds oh so familiar!  One problem I had with wearing her was that she wouldn't let me stand still or sit.  I've had to jog in place... on a BUS.  LOL.

I will be leaving her for dinner and a movie with friends on Tuesday.  I am beyond excited.  And I see our craniosacral therapist on Thursday.  I'll be asking her for a recommendation as well.  Thanks!

[Brit]

I read this a few days ago and have been meaning to respond. This was totally my DD. She basically didn't sleep and screamed bloody murder every minute of the day for the first five months of her life. My family was all a plane ride away and I was terrified to leave her with a babysitter because I didn't think anyone else could remain calm enough to take care of her properly. I really feel for you because I have some sense of what you are going through. My H travels a lot, so often it was just me and DD for weeks on end.

There were a few times that I hired a babysitter to come over while I was home so that someone else could pace around the house with her for a few hours. That probably sounds weird to anyone who had a 'calm' baby, but there were some days that I just couldn't do it anymore because I literally couldn't put her down or sit down day or night.

My DD was also a preemie, although less so, and I have always wondered if the screaming was linked to that. DD's screaming was bad enough that one of the nurses in the hospital asked me if I had been smoking or using drugs (no, definitely not) while I was pregnant - I think she thought DD was going through withdrawal or something. Even my family constantly asked me what was 'wrong' with my baby. It was pretty hurtful.

Hopefully things will work out for you how they did for me, when DD finally stopped screaming 24/7, she began sleeping 12 hours straight and has been ever since.

I don't think I have much else that is useful to add.

[Deleted]

I babysat a baby just like that. Honestly, it was a pain, but I could take her for a walk while wearing her and she would be calm. It was WAY worse with the mother in the room because a lot of the screaming was just because she was angry that her mom wasn't coming running the second she made a noise. It was hard, but a babysitter could definitely deal with it for a couple of hours as long as you aren't there. Make sure they can get out of the house and go to a park or go for a walk. Honestly, there was nothing 'wrong' with the baby I watched, but I've never taken care of a child that difficult before and I would almost be in tears going to work because I dreaded her screaming.

[Deleted]

PS the best way to be comfortable with it is to trust your gut feeling about a sitter. Make sure the sitter feels comfortable enough to tell you when she has had enough. I had to tell the mom one time when I came back that I was done for the day and couldn't deal with her any more. Also, start small. Leave the baby with the sitter for an hour while you go grocery shopping or have a coffee. When you leave, your baby will probably cry. Leave quickly. The more you hang around, the more difficult it is for the baby and the sitter. Try it for an hour a few times and see if you are comfortable with the sitter and if the sitter is comfortable with the baby. Then work your way up to a couple of hours away.

I'm not the type of nanny who would hold a baby every time it cried, but for this one, there were MANY occasions where I would let her sleep on me in the harness or on my chest in a chair because she needed the extra comfort and I needed to not have a baby SCREAMING at me all the time.

[crimsonandclover]

I just noticed that my reply got eaten somewhere along the line. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. DD1 was very similar to what you're describing. It really, really wears on you, and I can only encourage you to follow the advice of the others and find someone who can help you out from time to time. If it's only for a few hours at a time, I think there are plenty of qualified caregivers who can handle the screaming (for me, the worst part was knowing that there was no end in sight).
Good luck. I know it's really stressful, but it will get better. It will, I promise.

[paradebegone]

Nov 24, 2013 22:16:52 GMT -5 neeps said:

I walked miles. Miles. Probably to the moon and back wearing DD until she was about 4 months old. It was the only way to get her to sleep and you could.not.stand.still. Or sit down. So that part sounds pretty normal to me. Sucky, but normal.

Also, your baby always sounds louder to you. Google it. It's biology or something. So I think that's normal too.

It's just a really, really time consuming role.

I'm no help in this thread since I haven't found a 3rd party babysitter for DD yet, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and your baby probably isn't the worst baby ever.

This is funny because we've heard this from several people.  And then DD actually starts crying and they're always like... "oh, yea... I see what you mean."  LOL.

[paradebegone]

Thanks so much for the support and encouragement. She really is getting better every day. She napped really well this week. And her mood seems improved. I don't know if it's the craniosacral therapy or not but I'm happier for it.

I went out last Tuesday with some mummy friends for dinner and a movie. I left at about 7:30 and got home at 11. I was in bed at midnight and DD immediately woke up. And would not go back to sleep until 3:30am. UGH! I kept thinking... well, that wasn't worth it!

But I'm going out again tomorrow night for steak dinner with some other friends. I am so excited!

Unfortunately, DD has her first cold. She's coughing and is all congested. Poor thing. And DH is adamant that we sleep train her by letting her cry it out. UGH. But I'm still going out.

Ups and downs... good days and bad. I'm learning that that's what this is all about.

[crimsonandclover]

Nov 30, 2013 6:02:25 GMT -5 paradebegone said:

Thanks so much for the support and encouragement. She really is getting better every day. She napped really well this week. And her mood seems improved. I don't know if it's the craniosacral therapy or not but I'm happier for it.

I went out last Tuesday with some mummy friends for dinner and a movie. I left at about 7:30 and got home at 11. I was in bed at midnight and DD immediately woke up. And would not go back to sleep until 3:30am. UGH! I kept thinking... well, that wasn't worth it!

But I'm going out again tomorrow night for steak dinner with some other friends. I am so excited!

Unfortunately, DD has her first cold. She's coughing and is all congested. Poor thing. And DH is adamant that we sleep train her by letting her cry it out. UGH. But I'm still going out.

Ups and downs... good days and bad. I'm learning that that's what this is all about.

My DH was also really for doing CIO.

Have you read Ferber's book? If you haven't, I would highly recommend it. Bedtime with DD1 was absolute torture for about 2 months. I finally caved because it was putting so much stress on our marriage, bought Ferber, and told DH that we could do the graduated check-ins. Compared to the hours of crying she had been doing in our arms while we tried to get her to sleep, when doing Ferber's method she cried 6 minutes the first night 3 or so the second, and it was never more than 10ish minutes of crying. I still call it a miracle. I know it won't work for everyone, but you really might want to give it a try, as it goes a bit in the CIO direction (so it makes the dads feel like they're not "spoiling" the baby) but isn't just a "shut the door and leave them" method. Also, DD1 was born 6 weeks early in April and we did it in October. So that would be about the same timeline you're on. Just FYI, it did work miracles with us for bedtime at 6 months, but it didn't work for naps (she was still napping in my arms). At 7 months I tried it again with naps and it worked.

Oh, and baby colds suck. I hope she feels better soon.

[anna7602]

Nov 27, 2013 13:34:48 GMT -5 Brit said:

Even my family constantly asked me what was 'wrong' with my baby. It was pretty hurtful.

My family also asked. My parents actually claimed it was because I "refused to give DD anything but breastmilk." They thought she would stop crying if she got water and bottles fortified with rice cereal at 2 months of age. Awesome! 

[paradebegone]

Nov 30, 2013 9:23:34 GMT -5 crimsonandclover said:

Nov 30, 2013 6:02:25 GMT -5 paradebegone said:

Thanks so much for the support and encouragement. She really is getting better every day. She napped really well this week. And her mood seems improved. I don't know if it's the craniosacral therapy or not but I'm happier for it.

I went out last Tuesday with some mummy friends for dinner and a movie. I left at about 7:30 and got home at 11. I was in bed at midnight and DD immediately woke up. And would not go back to sleep until 3:30am. UGH! I kept thinking... well, that wasn't worth it!

But I'm going out again tomorrow night for steak dinner with some other friends. I am so excited!

Unfortunately, DD has her first cold. She's coughing and is all congested. Poor thing. And DH is adamant that we sleep train her by letting her cry it out. UGH. But I'm still going out.

Ups and downs... good days and bad. I'm learning that that's what this is all about.

My DH was also really for doing CIO.

Have you read Ferber's book? If you haven't, I would highly recommend it. Bedtime with DD1 was absolute torture for about 2 months. I finally caved because it was putting so much stress on our marriage, bought Ferber, and told DH that we could do the graduated check-ins. Compared to the hours of crying she had been doing in our arms while we tried to get her to sleep, when doing Ferber's method she cried 6 minutes the first night 3 or so the second, and it was never more than 10ish minutes of crying. I still call it a miracle. I know it won't work for everyone, but you really might want to give it a try, as it goes a bit in the CIO direction (so it makes the dads feel like they're not "spoiling" the baby) but isn't just a "shut the door and leave them" method. Also, DD1 was born 6 weeks early in April and we did it in October. So that would be about the same timeline you're on. Just FYI, it did work miracles with us for bedtime at 6 months, but it didn't work for naps (she was still napping in my arms). At 7 months I tried it again with naps and it worked.

Oh, and baby colds suck. I hope she feels better soon.

I've heard of this method but was concerned that it might be too soon for her.  But I'm going to check it out.  Thanks for the recommendation.

Also seems her cold is improving.  It's not getting any worse at least.