Tell me if I'm overreacting

[dana2006]

I don't know where else to put this and I could really use some perspective. I was talking to a close friend last week on the same day that I got my bfp. We haven't spoken in a few weeks so I quickly updated her on my life, including going through ivf. She knew about my IF struggles and asked questions about the process. Then I told her that I'd just gotten my first positive result that day. She sighed, seemed lost for words for a second, then gently admonished me "You're not supposed to tell ppl until after the first tri." I said yes I know the risks, but I'm telling a few ppl close to me b/c this is the furthest my husband and I have gotten in our journey. She seemed to ignore what I said and repeated that I shouldn't tell, adding, "I'm just a worrier." At that point I felt really uncomfortable and just changed the topic. After the phone call I was stunned and tried to process her reaction, but every time I think about it I can't help getting angry and hurt. As a 39-year old who just got her first bfp, I made the conscious decision to tell a few close friends and family members who I was counting on for support however things turn out. She seems to have missed my point of telling her and instead harped on my not adhering rigidly to convention. She is the mother of 3 who didn't have tttc. I tried to understand it from her perspective that she's just worried about me, but what a strange way to express concern. At this point, I feel that if anything should happen to my pregnancy, I'd not want to share with her and that makes me sad. But I can't help feeling alienated by her response. I should just let it go, right? People react in weird ways to unusual news and all that. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Tell me straight, please.

[pamela]

I was going to say maybe she has her own issues and is reflecting that on your. I'd just let it go. Yes, her response and insistence on it, instead of congratulations, is weird. She may also be one of those, like my own husband, who doesn't really compute a positive hpt as a real pregnancy until the dr confirms it. I've had to come to a deal with him that he has to at least fake like he believes it's real from the start now.

It does sound like this isn't the friend to share TTC issues with though.

[speyedr]

I would let it go. Everyone is going to react differently and they may not react the way you expected unfortunately. I had an early m/c in jan and still told people about this pregnancy before the end of my first tri, I think I announced on FB at 8 or 9 weeks. There is no reason for you to not share as long as you are comfortable un-telling these same people in the event that you ever had to.

[mae141]

That would really upset me. I told plenty of people when I got a BFP, because I knew I would need their support if something happened. I didn't tell anyone that I wouldn't have told about a miscarriage. It's your choice about what you "should" or "shouldn't" do. It's not like you were posting it on facebook at 4 weeks. She's a close friend that you would like to be able to talk to about things, and that's why you told her. I don't think you're overreacting or being too sensitive at all.

ETA: I don't think I would actually do anything about it, other than be upset and not talk to her about anything related to the pregnancy in the near future. 

[kershnic]

I think her reaction is weird and you have a right to be upset, but that it's also probably best to let it go.

I waited until 1st tri was over to tell anyone other than 1-2 people, and those are the only people who know we had 2 early miscarriages also. But I fully believe it is the pregnant person's choice whether to share information and whether to spend mental energy worrying about miscarriage. If you wanted to share there is no reason you should not! And every single viable pregnancy starts with a +HPT (whether the mom takes one or not ).

[FastHands]

(don't hit the non pg person for being here!)

Is she superstitious? Is it possible she was thinking that you are somehow putting the pregnancy in danger by telling her, and so it's not worth it? That's the only thing that might make her comment make sense (well, a little bit of sense).

[dana2006]

Hi FastHands -- glad you stopped by. No, she's not superstitious as far as I know. It's almost as if she was embarrassed FOR me for telling so early. She does have a know-it-all streak, which she tries to control. Now that I think about it, it makes sense that she probably just thought I didn't know any better. We were roommates in college, so, friends for 21 years. If I see her soon I think I'll just say a quick "Hey what's up with you the other day" to clear the air. Otherwise I'll just let it go.

Thank you guys for all your comments and for making me feel that I'm not crazy.

[statlerwaldorf]

It's really odd, but I guess people can say weird things when they are caught off guard. I would probably let it go, but I'd be a little confused/uncomfortable.

[rugbywife]

I think some people don't understand the mindfuck that TTTC is. I told people early - even AFTER a loss earlier in the year. These are people who knew about my journey, they knew about my meds, they knew about my IUI...I was okay telling them each time we got a negative pregnancy test and then when we finally got a positive one, yes, at 4 weeks, knowing we could still miscarry.

But perhaps your relationship with her is not one where it is safe to that so I agree with other people that she isn't a safe person to share with. But your own instinct to share isn't 'wrong'...I felt the same way.

[whiskeyandwine]

I would let it go in the way that I wouldn't call her and tell her she was a total bitch about it. I would NOT let it go in the sense that I would start distancing myself from her quickly. 

I'm sorry dana2006 - you deserved a more positive reaction for sure! 

[anna7602]

That's a sucky reaction. My older brother said something similar when I told him I was pg with DD at 6 weeks. It still kind of annoys me 6 years later. Anyway, I think you're on to something when you describe her know-it-all streak. Some people just can't stop themselves from taking on the role of older & wiser.

The only appropriate response when a friend tells you she is pregnant is "congratulations" or something equally positive.