Self Doubting

[damik]

So I drew the short straw when it came to parents. My step-mom and dad are condescending, hyper-critical, judgmental, and rude. My mother and step-father are entitled, self-involved, alcoholic, and unreasonable.

I've been estranged from my mother and step-father for sixteen months now. We had a spat and I was just done with them.

I still talk to my step-mom and dad even though they don't support me. They don't believe in the psychiatric field, don't think I should be taking my meds, believe I'm addicted to ECT. They don't get along with my husband and frankly treat him badly. They accused him of dumping me off in the psych ward so he didn't have to deal with me last time I was hospitalized. I don't talk to them often, and maybe that's why its easier for me to deal with them. I don't know. My dad says he doesn't believe I'll graduate college.

I've been thinking about it lately though, and I think maybe I'm being unfair. Either I should forgive my mom and step-dad or wash my hands of my step-mom and dad. My sister is forgiving my mom and she was the cause of the whole row. My husband will not be anywhere near my dad and step-mom when they are in town.

The thing is I don't have to do anything. I can keep the status quot. I just think maybe I'm not being fair. I just don't know. I'm happy to not be talking to my mom and I'm not happy about the crap my dad gives me, so that should be my answer, right? But as a child of a divorce who's father moved out of state I still have a special sense of longing for him. I don't know. I've always been a daddy's girl.

I just don't know.

[fussbucket]

I think anytime someone has the heart to wonder if they're truly being fair to others, they're probably being too generous.

[Deleted]

And what exactly are you being unfair about? please explain.

[Muddled]

Yes, how are you not being fair? And what does what your sister has done have anything to do with the appropriate action for you?

You know that you don't have to keep people around just because someone told you they are family, right? You can choose your own.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure why it's either or. What does the relationship you have with mom and stepdad have to do with dad and stepmom?

[broc]

'fairness' is frankly a ridiculous and completely arbitrary metric, especially as far as familial relationships go. You need to judge each one on its own merits (read: lack thereof).

Damik, with everything you've posted about all your family, frankly I would steal a social security number and burn shit down. Fuck em.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 19:14:40 GMT -5 broc said:

'fairness' is frankly a ridiculous and completely arbitrary metric, especially as far as familial relationships go. You need to judge each one on its own merits (read: lack thereof).

Damik, with everything you've posted about all your family, frankly I would steal a social security number and burn shit down. Fuck em.

I couldn't have said it better. With what you've said about your family, the farthest thing they're being to you is fair. Don't put too much thought in to this and do what works for you.

[partiallysunny]

May 10, 2012 19:14:40 GMT -5 broc said:

Damik, with everything you've posted about all your family, frankly I would steal a social security number and burn shit down. Fuck em.

Yep. But I know that is easier said then done.

[BettyBookWorm]

I think you are being very fair, Damik.

Your family sound like a bunch of fucksticks.

[Deleted]

I never understand the term forgiveness in the manner of which you are describing with your relationships here. To me it sounds like you want to try and forget their douchey behavior just to allievate any bad feelings they may have for the decisions you make.

Honestly I think you need to take a step back damik. Realize that they will never be the supportive parents you wish you had and let them take a backseat (or trunk seat) to your life. Put yourself and your health first and stop worrying about what your relationship is with them. Stop looking for their approval or for them to show up and start supporting you.

This is hard. I know because I have had to do this with my parents. I give them limited information and my relationship with them is limited. It makes me feel sad, but in time I have learned to move on and not make such a big deal about it. Once I've accepted them for who they are and the relationship we have, my interactions with them have improved.