Crossing the threshold

[TrickyBob]

with a friend of mine. She was the one who educated me on the fertility awareness method of temping and charting. She did it to avoid and then to get pregnant, she has helped educate me a LOT on it. She holds onto the link of my FF chart and will discuss it with me at times. 

But I feel like I have now crossed a threshold with her, she is on the side of "got pregnant first try" and I am on the "still waiting" side. She will look at my chart but I find her answers and conversation infuriating. She had sent me a message saying she took a look and thinks maybe I tried to O but didn't and "it must be so heartbreaking to get evap lines". And though I know she means well and I KNOW she is NOT, in any way, trying to butt in/offer upsetting advice, I just wish she'd cut the "poor you" comments out. Talk to me frankly, don't pad the conversation with "it must be so..." or "I could not imagine..." 

She then told me a story about how her friend, who had 3 m/c, has entered her 2nd tri and everything is going fantastic. She ended it with "maybe you'll be next!" What am I supposed to say? I gave an "awesome!" for her friend (because that IS awesome that things are going well for her) and avoided the last part. 

I love her, she is the sweetest thing, but beyond FAM and getting pregnant her first try, we are on two opposite sides here. I used to find her comments uplifting but in the last 2 months they just depress me. Yet she is the only friend who knows everything. 

There's no real point to this, just complaining.

[thoseareradishes]

No, I hear you. I have a friend who is hopelessly optimistic for me, and most of the time I'm ok with it, but sometimes I just want to be like, ok dude, lay off the unicorns and rainbows for a bit.

[Monica Geller]

Is my sister your friend?  :^)

My sister got pregnant with her #2 on try #2 when I had been trying about 6 months already. Every month she asks me about my cycle and tries to give me advice/comfort.  She just had her baby 2 weeks ago and I'm on my second cycle of Clomid (my period showed up the day she had my nephew...talk about conflicting emotions on my part!). 

I love that she's so optimistic for me, but she doesn't get it. 

All of this to say, I understand where you're coming from.

[discogranny]

Hugs. It could also be that she is trying to relate to you but is having trouble because she is pregnant and you aren't but she doesn't want to talk about her pregnancy and hurt you. So instead she talks to you about the "safe" topic of charting, etc.

She sounds like a really nice girl so maybe mention politely that talking about TTC is uncomfortable for you? She would probably be very receptive to that.

[kristind3]

Hugs. I'm sure she means well, but I completely understand how irritating if is for you. I have a coworker who had no struggles with IF at all and she's always trying to relate/give positive thoughts. I really just want to say STFU!

[rachelgreen]

(((hugs))) Do you think that she would be receptive to you sharing with her RESOLVE's Etiquette guide for friends and family (found here) phrasing it in such a manner that it sounds as though you wish others understood the article but aren't directing it solely on her? 

Edited for clarity, lol.

[FastHands]

I admit that I snapped at my always-optimistic friend. I was trying to come to grips with maybe never having a kid, and she was trying to lift my spirits. It just wasn't what I needed to hear, and I told her. I apologized soon after for HOW I said it, but I'm glad that I did. The resulting conversation was really good for me and for our friendship, if that makes sense. I'm also guilty of BEING the overly optimistic friend a lot of times. I'm sure I do it here and am annoying.

[TrickyBob]

I think she would be receptive to it. Her kid is a year old, so it's not like she's pregnant and I'm not. Back when she was pregnant, I wasn't as frustrated.

I adore her, she is super sweet. I don't want to hurt her feelings and I know it is me taking what she says so personal. But I'm also aware of this giant wall between us that has seemed to have popped up, where she is breezy about things because she didn't go through it/doesn't know how it feels and I'm all "I hate the world" about things.

She does offer a ton of good advice and normally I enjoy talking to her about it. I think I will share the article and we can discuss.

[rachelgreen]

I hope she is receptive to it and she can become the prefect ear to you. I hate when good friendships come under a strain that we can't quite vocalize.

[BNL2]

Hugs TrickyBob. I've have a few overly optimistic friends and I've learned to avoid details of my IF when talking to them. "Same shit, different day" is a frequent answer I give when they ask how things are going. I then bring up something else and we move on.  I just try to control the conversation from the beginning so I don't have to sit awkwardly while they're trying to make me feel better.

[G22]

I have overly optimistic friends and friends who just kind of brush it off like I'm stressing over nothing.

To both I eventually slip something into a conversation like "I'm tired of unsolicited advice. Unless someone has been in my position, I don't want to hear it."

This worked for a few of them.

[coribelle26]

Maybe adopt a "if I want to talk about this, I'll bring it up" policy? Tell her that you appreciate her asking how it's going but beyond that if you want advice or a pep talk, you'll ask for it.

My best friend is an eternal pessimist so what I usually get from her is a, "This fucking sucks so much." It works because that pretty well mirrors how I feel.