If I were the new boyfriend I wouldn't want to interfere with any of her traditions and would respect her plans. But I admit this is a sore subject for me as my SIL died six months ago and yet I had to greet a hot young thing at her parent's Thanksgiving this year with my BIL.
How old are her kids? She's spending Christmas apart from them to appease her boyfriend?
This is what I immediately jumped to as well. If there weren't kids I wouldn't think twice about this situation -- everyone grieves differently and all.
However, those children lost their father. Without knowing any other backstory, I would expect your SIL to support a relationship between her children and their paternal relatives, even if it reminds her bf of her previous marriage. To me, that means being there for the holidays.
I have gone to holiday events with my dad's wife's deceased husband's family. My dad has always been welcome and is treated like family..ETA - along with his kids from his marriage to my mother.
So maybe, let her know that both her and her new boyfriend are welcome to attend. But if not, you're happy to see the children and wish her a happy holiday.
I can't judge your SIL. I have no idea what feelings this may bring up for her and she's trying to deal with them and also make her BF, her kids, your family and herself happy all at once. Personally, I'd roll with whatever she wants to do. It is not about you, even 5 years later.
We have a very close friend in this position (widower, now remarried, was always close with his first wife's family ... no kids though) and I have to say ... it is really tough. His new wife (who is very sweet and we like very much, but I'll admit we had trouble accepting him with someone else at first because we were so close to his first wife -- this is a tough position) has had some issues with him spending time with his first wife's family, and I can definitely see where she's coming from but I also see where he's coming from in wanting to spend time with a family he was always close to (and has a very deep bond with, from seeing his first wife through a lifelong, terminal illness that killed his wife and, later, her sister).
I think this is a situation where it is just best to stay out of it, not judge either way, and try to be as understanding as possible to all parties.
I can't judge your SIL. I have no idea what feelings this may bring up for her and she's trying to deal with them and also make her BF, her kids, your family and herself happy all at once. Personally, I'd roll with whatever she wants to do. It is not about you, even 5 years later.
I dont judge her. I cant imagine losing a spouse. I cant imagine trying to move forward etc. i just hoped she would come since to me, she is still family. She is still the Aunt to my child. But it will always be her choice. I guess .i was just trying to see this from the other angle too (new boyfriend)
Are you sure she's only skipping it because of the new BF? Is it a new relationship (ie. first holiday season with a new partner)? I'm not sure I'd pin all the blame on him forcing her to do it. She might be uncomfortable coming with a new person to your side of the family. I guess I'd just reiterate that you guys are happy for her (in case that's what she's self conscious about) and if she still doesn't want to come, just give her time.
Post by imojoebunny on Dec 7, 2013 15:47:44 GMT -5
My friend's son died at 32, leaving two young kids. The kids come once a year for a week to see my friend. Otherwise, they have little contact. His wife has remarried, and has that life now. My uncle passed away at 26. I don't think my grandparents ever saw his wife again after the first year. They had no kids.
I can't judge. I would hope DH would still let my family see the kids if I passed, but who knows. My kids are very close to my family, but they haven't seen anyone in DH's family, except his dad in two years. His brothers family comes to town a couple times a year, and doesn't even visit us. They live 5 hours away.
I guess .i was just trying to see this from the other angle too (new boyfriend)
Why? Do you know for sure that he asked her not to go? Maybe she's just ready to move on. I can see that going hand in hand with wanting to start dating again.
And didn't you mention that your DH's family is livid (or at least upset) that she's dating again? Maybe she knows them well enough to know that they'll give her crap for it, even if it's subtle, and would rather spare herself that discomfort.
ETA: Oh wait. Is your DH's family is assuming that the only reason she wouldn't come is if the BF forbade it? I would disregard any assumptions they're making about this, since they're so upset about it.
Honestly I would have a hard time with SIL just dropping off her kids at a family holiday celebration especially since its not on Christmas Day. And my opinion has nothing to do with if she's dating or not.
I would think for the sake of her children she would continue relationships with their fathers family and suck it up for a couple hours. And see her niece.
ETA: wait your BIL died 5 years ago and the kids are 4 and 8? Is the youngest one his?
I'm a young widow, 29, my husband passed 18 months ago. I am not currently dating. I also don't have kids.
But all I can say is, this situation is so freaking hard.
The first holidays last year, after my husband died, I DID go to my in-laws alone and it was so awkward. I basically came in super late because I was so depressed, sat on the floor, and talked about how terrible my life is. Happy Holidays. I realize I should not have done that but I couldn't help it.
I now just avoid holidays all together and won't be celebrating this year either. I would likely not go to my inlaws with my new boyfriend for the holidays. A better time to introduce him would be at a non-emotionally charged time, like a random casual picnic or something, a Friday night dinner out. I don't want to bring that mess in for the holidays, especially if there are any judgersons in the mix.
Here's the thing, she is still encouraging her kids to have a relationship with their father's family. That doesn't mean she has to attend all the events. Holidays are fraught with so many emotions and if, like a PP aked, your family isn't happy she is dating (or doesn't like who she is dating), why would she want to come?
If I were in that position (as the boyfriend), I would also be worried that the evening would become "all about me" in the sense that it would be a family celebration that isn't my family and is the family of my girlfriend's children and people may talk in an unflattering way to/about my girlfriend since she brought me.
Maybe because in my family this is how it would work. There would be an undercurrent, and underbreath comments, of "how could she bring him" type thing making people who are happy for her uncomfortable and putting a blot over the evening. This type of thing happened at a family event after my cousin broke up with a long term girlfriend and 2 years later brought his new girlfriend. I was felt so bad for her and him.
I think if her boyfriend is uncomfortable with her past and the fact that she is a widow, he probably ought to reconsider the relationship. She didn't divorce her husband; he passed away at a young age. There's a big difference. I think he should respect and encourage the relationships that have been formed between her, the kids, and the father's family.
I have an ex boyfriend whose mom passed away from breast cancer. His dad remarried. Dad and second wife go visit the grave of his first wife together from time to time. He loves his current wife very much, but he's allowed to miss and love his wife who passed away as well.
Eta: I am making an assumption based on your post that SIL feels pressure from her boyfriend to not attend. Ultimately, it is her choice and if she feels uncomfortable joining the family for holidays, that is her prerogative.
Did SIL attend other holiday family gatherings - this bein the first she will not be attending? If she previously attended and is doing this for new BF's sake - then I would think that the BF is insecure and a jerk. Another possibility is that they both think it is too soon i the relationship to be doing family type gatherings. If she has not attended previously, I would pass.
By all means do include BF if they want to attend.
Maybe because in my family this is how it would work. There would be an undercurrent, and underbreath comments, of "how could she bring him" type thing making people who are happy for her uncomfortable and putting a blot over the evening. This type of thing happened at a family event after my cousin broke up with a long term girlfriend and 2 years later brought his new girlfriend. I was felt so bad for her and him.
That's kind of what I was thinking. Even if he didn't come with her, it might still be super uncomfortable since the family is so upset that she's dating someone. I probably wouldn't want to subject myself to that either.
But @hannymaren, I agree that if she is moving on, it's going to be hard to take. It's like another loss, kind of. Sorry. (hug) (hug2)
My SO is very supportive of me maintaining a relationship with my late H's family. However, I personally found it to be disorienting to get to know his family AND keep a relationship with the old family. I've needed to distance myself emotionally in order to move forward. This may not be about the boyfriend being uncomfortable with it.
I guess I have mixed feelings on this. I could probably answer you better in a few months. How new is new boyfriend?
I am dating a widower. I have not really talked to him much about it yet, but if he wanted to spend time with her family I would be 100% supportive. Would it be a little strange for me? Absolutely, but I think that by signing up to date someone who lost a spouse I'm also signing up to be understanding of that unique relationship. It's different than a regular ex. I also believe there is enough room to love her and her family and me (or someone, if we don't end up the love route) and my family.
I guess the only thing that kind of sucks is that I want to spend Christmas with my boyfriend. I mean this year it's a new relationship for me so I'd be ok with him spending it with them if he wanted, but for all years in the future... I don't know. If we stay together, I want to be with him on the holidays. I don't think I'd be ok with him choosing his "old" family over me and my family for the rest of our lives. But I'd still absolutely want him to maintain a relationship with them if he wanted to.
I think the fact that there are kids complicates things. I guess the ideal would be if he could attend the party too. I think I'd be ok with attending a party with my bf's late wife's family (NOT RIGHT NOW but if we get to that point) because they are a part of his history and who is is, if that makes sense. If your H's family isn't accepting of that, they are going to make it hard for everyone.
I'll also add that I'd be lying if this whole idea of dating someone whose spouse died wasn't a little uncomfortable but I absolutely want to put on my big girl panties and be reasonable and understanding about all of it because he deserves that from me. I hope your SIL's bf feels similarly.
Post by Balki.Bartokomous on Dec 7, 2013 18:08:21 GMT -5
If it's the boyfriend asking her to not go, then I think that's pretty douchey. This is her kids' family.
While I would personally want to keep in touch with my ILs, especially because of the kids, I can understand if someone would not want to, and if your SIL made that decision, that is fine. But the point is that it's her decision to make, not his.
That said, I would not be dating a guy who didn't support me keeping in touch w/my ILs & I would support him keeping in touch w/his ILs if he wanted to.
I guess I have mixed feelings on this. I could probably answer you better in a few months. How new is new boyfriend?
I am dating a widower. I have not really talked to him much about it yet, but if he wanted to spend time with her family I would be 100% supportive. Would it be a little strange for me? Absolutely, but I think that by signing up to date someone who lost a spouse I'm also signing up to be understanding of that unique relationship. It's different than a regular ex. I also believe there is enough room to love her and her family and me (or someone, if we don't end up the love route) and my family.
I guess the only thing that kind of sucks is that I want to spend Christmas with my boyfriend. I mean this year it's a new relationship for me so I'd be ok with him spending it with them if he wanted, but for all years in the future... I don't know. If we stay together, I want to be with him on the holidays. I don't think I'd be ok with him choosing his "old" family over me and my family for the rest of our lives. But I'd still absolutely want him to maintain a relationship with them if he wanted to.
I think the fact that there are kids complicates things. I guess the ideal would be if he could attend the party too. I think I'd be ok with attending a party with my bf's late wife's family (NOT RIGHT NOW but if we get to that point) because they are a part of his history and who is is, if that makes sense. If your H's family isn't accepting of that, they are going to make it hard for everyone.
I'll also add that I'd be lying if this whole idea of dating someone whose spouse died wasn't a little uncomfortable but I absolutely want to put on my big girl panties and be reasonable and understanding about all of it because he deserves that from me. I hope your SIL's bf feels similarly.
I'd love to talk about this further with you. I know so, so few younger widows and none I feel comfortable discussing dating with. I know you are coming from the opposite side of the spectrum but I'd like to hear how you met, how he brought it up, how much he has shared just so I know in the future what to do if I do decide to date again.
It sounds like you are upset that your SIL may be pushing away. Have you thought about starting a new holiday tradition with her? Maybe she would enjoy coming over for leftovers and wine the next day.
I think he should be prepared to attend events with the late husband's family once in a while. The kids are still really young and they need their mom to help them maintain their relationships with their dad's side of the family.
I don't think there should be an issue with her having a relationship with her late husbands family especially when there are kids involved. If the bf has a problem with that I honestly don't think he is mature enough to handle the relationship.
My mom had a friend whose son passed away. When her DIL wanted to get remarried the new FI asked ILs permission. Not that I think it is needed but it was a nice gesture on his part and showed that he was supportive or her maintaining a relationship with her ILs especially considering that he was going to be a father figure to their young grandson.
I don't think there should be an issue with her having a relationship with her late husbands family especially when there are kids involved. If the bf has a problem with that I honestly don't think he is mature enough to handle the relationship.
My mom had a friend whose son passed away. When her DIL wanted to get remarried the new FI asked ILs permission. Not that I think it is needed but it was a nice gesture on his part and showed that he was supportive or her maintaining a relationship with her ILs especially considering that he was going to be a father figure to their young grandson.
What works for one family doesn't always work for another. I cannot imagine how offended and horrified I would be if my new FI asked my former IL's permission.
I think it is all up to what the young woman in this situation wants. If she really does want to go to the celebration deep down and something or someone is suggesting she not, that's wrong. But we don't know if it's her that wants to sort of cool the gatherings down for her own personal reasons.
hannamaren, are you guys close with her? I only ask because it seems like you were off on her daughter's age by 2 years and that was confusing to me.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Dec 7, 2013 19:52:28 GMT -5
I am not in this situation, but creepy as it may sound, DH and I have discussed it.
The bottom line for me, is that I don't care for his family. I put on my big girl panties and deal with them, but I don't enjoy spending time with them, and I don't especially care for them.
If DH died. I would ensure the kids continued to see their grandparents (which would realistically only be a week a year, as I would not choose to stay geographically near them if H died). And as soon as they were old enough to go by themselves (which is probably now) I would send them by themselves. They would always have a relationship with their paternal grandparents and aunt, but I personally would no longer be interested in having that relationship, beyond facilitating things for my kids.
No. That would be weird for everyone. I wouldn't put him through that. The family isn't ready. They are not saying anything to SIL, they are very pleasant and just avoid the topic with her.
I know everyone mourns differently, but I think we found the problem. If my DHs family couldnt handle meeting a new BF a full 5 years after he passed, I dont think I would want to spend much time with them either. Poor @notquiteblushing and her inlaws had to meet a new gf just months after the passing of her SIL. 5 years is a long time. Does the family expect her to never date again? Or are just the holidays especially hard?
No. That would be weird for everyone. I wouldn't put him through that. The family isn't ready. They are not saying anything to SIL, they are very pleasant and just avoid the topic with her.
well, this in conjunction with having a problem with her dating - you need to expect the gulf to get even wider, then. Even if I can understand not inviting the bf, it just sounds like your ILs aren't really supportive of SIL moving on. I can't expect she really wants to spend much time with them. Clearly she also wouldn't really be able to talk about her bf or what new, exciting stuff she's doing that involved him. Or how good he is w the kids, etc.
And honestly, if the ILs can't find a way to be supportive of her, it might start to affect how often they see the kids. Right or wrong - it's food for thought.
No. That would be weird for everyone. I wouldn't put him through that. The family isn't ready. They are not saying anything to SIL, they are very pleasant and just avoid the topic with her.
In my limited experience, this make s all the difference. When my uncle died, his wife and kids were invited to every event, but her new relationship (that lasted for several years) was not. Eventually, she quit coming, especially when she had another child.
When MILs father died, GMILs new husband and subsequent children were invited to everything. They still attend Christmas and Thanksgiving with late GFILs family to this day, and the children who were born from the 2nd marriage- their children have no idea that they aren't related to "the aunts."
I don't mean to be crass, but surely you've been somewhere when someone is unhappy with a choice that you have made but are too polite to talk about it. Is that not the most uncomfortable feeling in the world? I used to spend a lot of time with my exs family. It got much better when we both realized it was okay to mention ex and my new husband.