Parenting Coach Weeks 3 and 4

[sugarbear]

DS was home sick last Tuesday so I didn't get to touch base with the coach.

This week's meeting was basically a review of the changes we've made. She hasn't sent me our "homework" yet, but I can update when she does.

Two huge things that I've / we've done in the last two weeks that have had positive effects.
1. Giving DS control. We took the knob cover off his door, which had been on there for so long primarily because he sleeps on a different floor than us and we didn't want to risk him wandering around. This is a moot point, though, because he sleeps well and I don't; I'd hear him if he got up. He now gets up every morning, gets himself completely dressed, comes upstairs and brushes his teeth, and then comes to find us in the kitchen or DS2's bedroom. 

Since we're no longer sending him to his room anyway, the knob cover isn't needed. When we WERE sending him to his room, he would slam the door and not be able to get out, which would immediately escalate his tantrum. OR, DH would stand in his door and not allow him to slam the door or come out, which would immediately escalate his tantrum. 

OMG, this is so much better.

Another example: we had originally decided to stop time-outs and simply take away videos. But that seemed like a pretty big consequence (and, what to do if he screws up more than once?). So now, we offer him a choice. He can sit in timeout, facing the wall, for three minutes, or he can choose no videos. Again, he's in control. He still cries and whines, but there's no escalating, and he feels empowered to choose. SO MUCH BETTER. 

2. This is just me. I've been thinking a lot about death (ugh) because my mom died when I was six and I have a lot of questions about that, now that I have kids. My biggest thing is that I don't ever want my kids to wonder how much I loved them. I don't ever want them to be afraid of me. So, when I do get mad, I have to take a step back, pause, and really think about that. How can I react in a way that I won't regret. Taking just 30 seconds to take a deep breath and think about this has made my reactions much less emotional, more black and white ("you did X. Y and Z are the choices you have for a consequence."). He feels good because he knows what he did and how he'll have to pay for it, and I feel good because I haven't gotten emotional, yelled, or scared him.

Another way this has really helped is for the two of us to connect in "small" moments. Not that we always have to be talking, or connecting. We have a lot of quiet, individual time in our house, too. But, for instance, when I'm driving him to school. We can silently listen to a song, or I can engage him in conversation. He may choose not to chat, which is fine, but for whatever reason, making that effort has made me feel a lot better.

She also had us look at a list of parenting strengths and acknowledge each other's. The bottom line is, we both think we are pretty great. LOL.

Our lives have been so much easier in the last two weeks. Seriously. We haven't had a single 30-minute (or longer) tantrum. In two weeks. They used to happen every day. This isn't to say that DS isn't still misbehaving, but everyone's reactions to his behavior and tantrums is just... easy. His behavior is getting better, slowly, too. Right now, the biggest improvement is his ability to articulate why he got in trouble, and what he could do next time he gets mad. I think I've said, about 30 times in the last two weeks, "It's ok to be mad, but you don't get to be mean. What's a better way to be angry?"

Anyway, this is great for us, but maybe it's not terribly exciting. I'll update later with my homework.

[ijack]

Wow, this is an awesome update. Good work!

[isabel]

This made me smile. It sounds like you guys are doing an incredible job with him and with each other.

[lime]

This is a great update!

Strong work.

[jenna]

I am bookmarking this thread for later. I know it's coming. E just turned three.

[sugarbear]

Dec 10, 2013 17:44:56 GMT -5 tators said:

Whew, I am so glad for you. I was worried the parenting coach would be terrible.

Good job momma!!

It is, kinda. I mean, if she were a therapist, I'd probably be finding someone new. She's chatty, and I feel like it takes us an hour to discuss 20 minutes' worth of parenting. BUT, the results are awesome and I do really like her approach to parenting. I feel like she understands where I'm coming from and what we're struggling with.

So, I'm going to keep it up.

Really, I cannot believe how much better our lives have gotten in the last two weeks.

DS asked me out on a date last night:
"Mama, can we spend some time together?"
"What do you mean, bud? We're together right now, just the two of us."
"But Mama, I like it when we go do something alone together and I behave."
"Ooooooh, Sweet Pea. I like that too! What would you like to do?"
"I'd like to go on a date with you to the tunnel park. Can we do that Mama?"

And, of course, I said yes, that I would make plans to do it in two weeks, when I'm on Christmas break, and we'll spend the whole day together. And then I went upstairs and ugly cried to DH about how much I love everyone.

[Monica Geller]

I'm so glad to hear it's going well.

[goaskalice]

This is an awesome update! Glad to hear it.

[styme46]

I'm so glad the parenting coach seems to be helping! YAY for progress! Good job mom and dad! Keep it up!

[sugarbear]

And when I got home tonight, ds2's nanny mentioned to me that ds1 has been much calmer lately.
Yay!

[gretchenindisguise]

This is so great to read. yay for you guys!!

I think I'm stealing this line: "It's ok to be mad, but you don't get to be mean. What's a better way to be angry?"

[speckledfrog]

Not terrible exciting? No way! That's awesome. I'm so glad this is working out so well for you.

[iamgrace]

Awesome!

[mrsukyankee]

I'm so proud of you. You have worked very hard and are learning such great lessons - you can apply this in other areas of your life too (all relationships). Go you!

[Deleted]

This is so awesome.

I'm so happy for you.

[sunshineluv]

Dec 10, 2013 18:06:45 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

Dec 10, 2013 17:44:56 GMT -5 tators said:

Whew, I am so glad for you. I was worried the parenting coach would be terrible.

Good job momma!!

It is, kinda. I mean, if she were a therapist, I'd probably be finding someone new. She's chatty, and I feel like it takes us an hour to discuss 20 minutes' worth of parenting. BUT, the results are awesome and I do really like her approach to parenting. I feel like she understands where I'm coming from and what we're struggling with.

So, I'm going to keep it up.

Really, I cannot believe how much better our lives have gotten in the last two weeks.

DS asked me out on a date last night:
"Mama, can we spend some time together?"
"What do you mean, bud? We're together right now, just the two of us."
"But Mama, I like it when we go do something alone together and I behave."
"Ooooooh, Sweet Pea. I like that too! What would you like to do?"
"I'd like to go on a date with you to the tunnel park. Can we do that Mama?"

And, of course, I said yes, that I would make plans to do it in two weeks, when I'm on Christmas break, and we'll spend the whole day together. And then I went upstairs and ugly cried to DH about how much I love everyone.

This made me cry, what a special thing for him to say, and that date day will make some great memories.
 
I am so impressed with how proactive you are being.

[hopecounts]

Yay!
It sounds like y'all are having great progress!
The date day request is so sweet. :-)

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2013 18:06:45 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

Dec 10, 2013 17:44:56 GMT -5 tators said:

Whew, I am so glad for you. I was worried the parenting coach would be terrible.

Good job momma!!

It is, kinda. I mean, if she were a therapist, I'd probably be finding someone new. She's chatty, and I feel like it takes us an hour to discuss 20 minutes' worth of parenting. BUT, the results are awesome and I do really like her approach to parenting. I feel like she understands where I'm coming from and what we're struggling with.

So, I'm going to keep it up.

Really, I cannot believe how much better our lives have gotten in the last two weeks.

DS asked me out on a date last night:
"Mama, can we spend some time together?"
"What do you mean, bud? We're together right now, just the two of us."
"But Mama, I like it when we go do something alone together and I behave."
"Ooooooh, Sweet Pea. I like that too! What would you like to do?"
"I'd like to go on a date with you to the tunnel park. Can we do that Mama?"

And, of course, I said yes, that I would make plans to do it in two weeks, when I'm on Christmas break, and we'll spend the whole day together. And then I went upstairs and ugly cried to DH about how much I love everyone.

Um. I just had to post this: this is the first time I've EVAH cried after reading a post on here. Ever. I'm so glad this is working so well for you. I love that he asked you out.

We're having a hard time with DS lately. LOTS of bedtime tantrums this week and the constant whining has me at my wits end lately. Thanks for the reminder to take a breather when I'm angry.

[sugarbear]

Thanks, everyone. It really is awesome. DH and I were talking last night about how much easier this is.

(I honestly never thought I'd need-- or even want-- a parenting coach. Hell, I didn't even know they existed.)