UPDATE IN OP: Am I unreasonable re: Xmas with our families?

[mcsangel2]

UPDATE: When I got home, I got on the phone right away to make calls I needed to my sis and mom so that I could kind of avoid DH because I didn't want to argue - I wanted to talk calmly. While I was on the phone, he wrote a note to me saying "Schedule all cleared for Xmas." When I got off, he apologized, and said that as he thought about it, he realized where I was coming from. The problem is that I didn't phrase it gently or like a question - I basically said "BTW we might be at my sister's house for Xmas this year" or something. He felt like I was saying Eff You to his family or something.

I also know that he talked to his sister today while he was at work, and I know he mentioned it to his supervisor too. I have the distinct impression that both of them reinforced the "Um, no, you need to be with her and her family this year" with him.

Ironically, it might wind up being a moot point. I'm waiting for my sister to get her daughter's practice schedule, but we might wind up having it on the Sunday before like we usually do. (To the poster who asked, yes, we ALWAYS have Xmas with his family and Tgiving with mine. It started when my BILs schedule - he's a cop - made it impossible for Xmas Day with the family.)

I came up with an alternative if it is Xmas day. We wouldn't go over until lunchtime, then presents would be afterwards. DH's sister always starts super early, with just their mom and stepdad and the kids, then her in laws show up around lunchtime. I don't really want to be around her in laws this year. We might go there early early, then to my mom's for lunch and afterwards.

I'm so glad he came around without me saying anything. This has been a shitty day. And, I have been doing really okay this week, but things are really starting to sink in, and this is starting to get really hard. I have no idea if it will be worse or not by Xmas. This has been the most distressing argument we've ever had in our entire marriage.

OP:

I don't want hair pets, I just want to know if I really am wrong about this.

DH and I have been married 10.5 years. We made an agreement in the beginning, that we would celebrate Thanksgiving with my family (on Tgiving), and Christmas with his family (on Xmas Day). We celebrate Tgiving with his family on the weekend before or after, and Xmas with my family on the weekend before.

My Dad had been in declining health for awhile, getting worse in August of this year. (5 hospitalizations since July 31). He got out of the hospital a week before Tgiving, and my Mom cancelled our family Tgiving this year at that time due to his recovery but still weakened condition, at home. By that time, plans were already set to celebrate Tgiving with his family on the Sunday (before Tgiving). We still went to that. His sister still had her regular Tgiving at her house that his mom and stepdad went to, but we stayed home ourselves. Partly to not be running around so much, partly to leave the day open in case my sister or mom came up with an alternative at the last minute (which did not happen).

My dad passed away on December 5th. This morning I mentioned to DH that I would like to be flexible with the holidays this year, and have Christmas Day with my family instead (or most of it, anyway.) It depends on my sister's plans. In previous years, my mom hosted it at their house, and I already know that she does not want to host it this year. My BIL is a cop, so a lot depends on his schedule as well (I don't know what it is yet).

When I said this, DH looked as though I'd said I wanted us to never see or speak to his family again. He kept saying that whether or not I come, that he is seeing his family for Christmas "at some point". He was upset that I suggested this and pointed out our regular arrangement. *I* am upset that he does not see that this year is a special circumstance. IMO.

Who is wrong?

[Deleted]

He is wrong. Tell him this is a special circumstance, it means a lot to you THIS year and if he can't see that... then he's being a douche.

[shopgirl07]

I think he's being awfully insensitive and petty. I'm sorry.

[callalily]

He is WAY wrong. WAY wrong. When my FIL died, we moved around holidays to be there for my MIL and SIL and everyone understood. Sometimes you have to make exceptions. Your H is being an ass.

[Jalapeñomel]

I have no advice, but I am sorry for your loss.

[eddy]

Team you

I am so sorry about your dad.

[sonrisa]

Ugh. You just lost your father. This is not the time to be an ass, mr. mcangel. Send him alone. Or find a time to visit them on Christmas Eve. Or bring your mom to your inlaws. But definitely spend some of Christmas day with your family.

((hugs))

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think you're being unreasonable wanting to spend Christmas with your family, I would want the same thing if I were in your shoes. And I would want my DH to be understanding that things might not happen exactly as they always do given what has happened.

I hope you guys can come up with some compromise or solution and that you get to see your family.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

He's wrong.

[mcsangel2]

My DH is not an ass, but he is taking after his dad in this case and being super clueless.

My family is my mom, my brother, my sister, BIL, and their 4 kids (and BIL's mom lives with them also). My sister prefers to host family things at her house even though my mom has done it in the past.

His family Xmas celebrations take place at *his* sister's house, with her husband, 2 kids, her parents in law and sometimes another family member or two. Her house is full enough, plus I don't really think my family would be comfortable there (although I love my ILs).

My MIL is super social and tries to have us around New Year's anyway. I just wanted this year to be at my family's with no schedule to be out of there by. Ugh.

[Deleted]

No, you are not wrong. This year is a special circumstance and it is important to you to be with your family. Your H is being insensitive.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[sonrisa]

My first instinct is to say send him to his family. You go to yours. Spend the day reminiscing and mourning with them on whatever time table happens. However, how many and what age kids do you have?

[orangeblossom]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think your DH should be understanding, and feel free to go see his family at some point if he chooses, and you not go with him.

My mother passed away several years ago right before Thanksgiving, and fortunately it was the year we were with my family (we do every other year), therefore Christmas was with DHs. I briefly considered not going and just having DH go, but decided to go with him. I went because my family does an extended family Christmas in January, and my father and sister's really weren't planning on doing much the actual day. I also went, because it's one of the only times a year DH goes down there, save for a wedding or a funeral, and he would have not felt right leaving me, and I didn't want him to miss out. Had any of those things been different, I would have been more inclined to have DH go on his own.

That said, if a compromise could be found then I would do it, but I would not put up with any shock or attitude for you wanting to change the schedule around for these special circumstances. At a minimum he should understand why you're at least asking, even if he doesn't like it or think the circumstances should matter.

[tulip]

You aren't wrong, he is.

Can you take two cars and he leaves when he needs to go so you can stay? Or have him pick up when his family is done on the way home.

[mrsgoontz]

I am sorry for your loss. I think he needs to take a step back and really try to see this from your perspective. Christmas Day isn't changing every year but this year is a special exception.


I split Christmas Day between my moms family and my H's family and we still get to see plenty of each of them and they live 3 hours away from each other. There is definitely a compromise to be found.

[whattheheck]

Wow. Just wow. Is he saying "at some point" meaning ON Christmas or just around Christmas? I am also so sorry for your loss. My mother passed away less then two weeks before Christmas several years ago. My in-laws showed such grace and compassion - they gave me the option of skipping it entirely, sending just my then-DH with the kids, keeping on as usual, or bringing my family with me (it was just three more people - sis, bro, and Dad). We really didn't want to sit around moping and we all went to my in-laws and they made my family feel so welcome.

[Ruby Gloom]

You're not being unreasonable. You H is. He and his family should respect that this year is going to be an especially emotional Christmas for your family and support your decision to change this year's schedule.

[sailorgray]

Oh my word. I am sorry your h is doing this.  I am also sorry about your dad. No, you are not being unreasonable.  I wanna cry for you. 

[hopecounts]

Team You.
This is a very atypical Christmas and a little flexibility is in order to accommodate the unique situation.
Clarify what he meant and make sure he's clear that you just mean this year and that you of course will see his family too.

[sparkythelawyer]

My husband is an only child with only children for parents. When we are not there, it leaves a huge gaping hole. And even with that, he spent the holidays with my family the year we lost my Mom. Why? Because he has a soul and a brain. Eek.

I will reserve judgment on your husband until I get a better impression of what "At Some Point" means for him. Does this mean pop over sometime during the week for a few hours? Does this mean, "I'm going to up and leave in the middle of Christmas Dinner?" Does this mean, "I'll head to my sister's on the 26th sometime? I feel like that will solidify whether he's really being a jerk here. I do think that for just this Christmas, you get to dictate the terms a bit, with the understanding that this is the aberration and not the norm, and your husband should understand that.

[mcsangel2]

Dec 11, 2013 9:55:56 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

My first instinct is to say send him to his family. You go to yours. Spend the day reminiscing and mourning with them on whatever time table happens. However, how many and what age kids do you have?

We don't have kids. I would really prefer it if DH were with me at my family's.

[papie]

I am sprry for your loss.  (((hugs)))


He is being an asshole, you just lost your dad ffs.

[McGavin]

I'm sorry about your dad.

The first holidays after I lost my dad, I got to call the shots. H let me decide all the plans. Team you.

[Deleted]

Like everyone else, I'm sorry and think your husband isn't seeing the bigger picture here. I understand him wanting to see his family, but your family has just been through a very painful loss. He needs to rethink his stance a bit and realize that this first holiday without your dad is going to be tough and support you in whatever way he can.

[auntie]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I won't trash your husband or call him a dick, but I would seriously wonder about his ability to be empathetic around what you need at this point in time. I would expect more sensitivity from my son who has autism than you seem to be getting.

My MIL died very close to Christmas, and it was very hard for DH to feel celebratory in the days leading to the actual holiday. Even though he was expecting it and that MIL had lived a long and good life, it hurt. He tried very hard to suck it up for DS (who was 7) but his heart wasn't in it. Don't feel guilty about how you feel or what you need to do this season.

[lilybug]

I'm so sorry about your dad.

IMO neither of you are 100% wrong, because you both have a right to see your family on Christmas, regardless of your past "deal." But he isn't being very understanding. It's the first holiday since your dad's death. Everyone needs to be flexible and extra respectful of each other's feelings.

[eddy]

Do you have a good relationship with your ILs? If you do, I would just explain to them what your wants/needs are this season. If they are good people they will understand.

[mcsangel2]

I'm pretty sure "at some point" means on the actual day. It's celebrated at his sister's house, and his mom and stepdad drive up from about 90 minutes away for it. We live kind of in the middle of the two of them, but my mom and my sister live 45 minutes NW of us/about 35 minutes west of his sister.

[verypunny]

Can you do Christmas Eve with his family then yours Christmas Day?

[bananapancakes]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not being unreasonable at all. This year has a special set of circumstances and your H should be able to figure that out all on his own. I totally understand wanting to be with your family so soon after your loss. Do the two families live close together? Is it possible to split the day up so you see both families? If that is not possible, I don't think it is unreasonable at all to only spend the day with your family and see his family either the day (or week) before or after.