It sucks when you grow up and realize just how manipulative and shitty parents can be. You're married though, it's time to start your own traditions. It will suck for a while (maybe forever honestly) but you need to stand up for yourself or this shit will never end.
And thanks everyone for the feedback, even if it sucks to hear. And this feels very true to me at the moment so thanks again.
Post by foundmylazybum on Dec 15, 2013 14:54:33 GMT -5
If you focus on how hurt you are by your mom's actions--you will miss out on the opportunities to have a truly great Christmas with your husband, brother and SIL.
What do YOU really want to do this holiday? A huge gift to your husband would be asking HIM what he wants to do and making that happen.
Let your mom go and have fun at her party..honestly--wish her well, because she's giving you a huge gift. Freedom.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Dec 15, 2013 14:54:38 GMT -5
Cousin's wife, N? Is that you? Because all this bs about you trying to keep her happy, and her never being happy, but you still trying to be her little girl even though you're married? Yeah, that needs to stop. You're married. And I don't care if you're 20 and in college or 45 - when you get married, you start a new family with new traditions. Some of those traditions can incorporate old ones, and visiting family *if that's what you want.*
But what you need to keep in mind is that YOUR little family comes first now. That doesn't mean you have to be an asshole to your parents and write them off entirely, and that also means you don't get to cry all night because you didn't get a birthday cake and your parent's canceled plans (or something, I'll be honest, I was skimming at that point). It is fine to be disappointed, but dude, come on. This is just all so dramatic.
Where does you H's family fit in here? It is pretty unfair that they don't get to see their son at all because of all your family dramatics. Make the plans to see both families equally over holidays (not necessarily each family on each holiday - alternate, whatever), let your mom be pist, and realize that nothing is ever going to make her happy.
It sucks when you grow up and realize just how manipulative and shitty parents can be. You're married though, it's time to start your own traditions. It will suck for a while (maybe forever honestly) but you need to stand up for yourself or this shit will never end.
And thanks everyone for the feedback, even if it sucks to hear. And this feels very true to me at the moment so thanks again.
Excellent! It's nice to see people who realize that changes need to be made. You're right---it's hard, but given your attitude here, I think you can do it.
Are you sure your ILs are ok with no holidays with you? Maybe they are but I kind of doubt it. I'd guess your MIL would like to spend more than one hour with her son to celebrate his birthday, thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm just dumbfounded that this was ok with you - to shut out your H's family completely but turn yourself in to a pretzel for your mom.
Celebrate on your own, celebrate with H's family but tell your mom when events are and if she can make it, fine and if she can't then she can go party with all her friends.
She bitches and moans about how she wants her kids to be there when she wakes up on Christmas and all kinds of shit, but we all have 1) homes we like to sleep at 3) our dogs aren't welcome because it's too much for her 2) we all have other family we have to visit so we've never stayed the night for Christmas.
You said you have no grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins, and your H isn't allowed to see his family on any holidays and in fact only speaks to his family twice a year; what other family are you visiting?
She bitches and moans about how she wants her kids to be there when she wakes up on Christmas and all kinds of shit, but we all have 1) homes we like to sleep at 3) our dogs aren't welcome because it's too much for her 2) we all have other family we have to visit so we've never stayed the night for Christmas.
You said you have no grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins, and your H isn't allowed to see his family on any holidays and in fact only speaks to his family twice a year; what other family are you visiting?
She bitches and moans about how she wants her kids to be there when she wakes up on Christmas and all kinds of shit, but we all have 1) homes we like to sleep at 3) our dogs aren't welcome because it's too much for her 2) we all have other family we have to visit so we've never stayed the night for Christmas.
You said you have no grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins, and your H isn't allowed to see his family on any holidays and in fact only speaks to his family twice a year; what other family are you visiting?
It's his dad that we do see on holidays. His parents are divorced and it's his mom that he sees very sporadically. His dad's is about an hour on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It's time for you to cut the apron strings. If you mom wants to cry and throw a fit because no one comes over at her beck and call, then let her throw a fit. If she wants to get passive aggressive and tell you that she only sees you because she doesn't have better plans, then let her be a bitch. It's time for you to do what works for you and YH because that is your family now, you aren't in HS any more.
There have been a bunch of posts lately with this theme, and it always astounds me when a married couple, sometimes even a married couple with kids, refers to their parents and siblings as their family. No, your spouse is your family. Your kids are your family. And you have to do what's best for your family, whether you're talking about a holiday schedule or a buttinski IL or any other of 10,000 choices we make in the course of a day.
I'm not going to get into the ins and outs of my situation, but I've recently had a falling out with my parents.
Someone in a similar situation told me this - you won't be able to move past anything until you've accepted that your parents will never be who you want them to be.
Once I thought about that and really let it sink in, it made perfect sense. So, I would advise you to do the same, get some counseling, and let your husband spend holidays with his family.
I'm not going to get into the ins and outs of my situation, but I've recently had a falling out with my parents.
Someone in a similar situation told me this - you won't be able to move past anything until you've accepted that your parents will never be who you want them to be.
Once I thought about that and really let it sink in, it made perfect sense. So, I would advise you to do the same, get some counseling, and let your husband spend holidays with his family.
Thank you, you're definitely right. And I think H is about to be home so we're going to discuss visiting his parents for the holidays. Thank you again guys.
It's time for you to cut the apron strings. If you mom wants to cry and throw a fit because no one comes over at her beck and call, then let her throw a fit. If she wants to get passive aggressive and tell you that she only sees you because she doesn't have better plans, then let her be a bitch. It's time for you to do what works for you and YH because that is your family now, you aren't in HS any more.
There have been a bunch of posts lately with this theme, and it always astounds me when a married couple, sometimes even a married couple with kids, refers to their parents and siblings as their family. No, your spouse is your family. Your kids are your family. And you have to do what's best for your family, whether you're talking about a holiday schedule or a buttinski IL or any other of 10,000 choices we make in the course of a day.
I don't think that's entirely fair. Your parents and siblings don't just disappear and cease to hold any importance once you say your vows. Some extended families make it easier to make that transition into "married family," and others make it harder. It takes some people (myself included) a few years to come to the realization that your little family is priority #1 now. Setting boundries, and sticking to them, can be hard when you're used to a lot of pressure and have years of manipulative "normalcy" behind you, trying to influence your decisions. It is easy for us to say "god, just tell her to STFU and do what you want," but in reality, it isn't always that easy, especially knowing the fallout it may bring.
I hope the OP starts to make some changes (because quiet holidays with your own little family really are wonderful!), and can see things for how they are, but realistically, it will probably take some time, and I can almost guarantee that mommy dearest isn't going to agree quietly with the new plans, whatever they may be.
You're both as bad as each other. You need to live your life without enabling her selfish needs and she needs to realise you're an adult and deserve space.
Leave things as they are. Have a wonderful Christmas. You need to set firm boundaries which have consequences (No contact etc) if she breaks them. GL.