I'm so hurt (Warning-Long)

[MWOS]

tl;dr

summary?

[copperboom]

I'm sorry. Your mom sounds incredibly manipulative.

[redheadk]

Dec 15, 2013 14:18:14 GMT -5 mcmel said:

I always thought my mom and I had a really strong fucked up co-dependent relationship. 

ftfy

[Deleted]

Dec 15, 2013 14:20:17 GMT -5 MWOS said:

tl;dr

summary?

Mommy dearest and life isn't fair whining.

[MWOS]

Dec 15, 2013 14:22:17 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Dec 15, 2013 14:20:17 GMT -5 MWOS said:

tl;dr

summary?

My mom's an asshole and said that the only reason she's ever had Christmas with me is because she didn't have anything better to do. 

fuck it. have the christmas you want to have. don't negotiate with terrorists

[speckledfrog]

It's time for you to cut the apron strings. If you mom wants to cry and throw a fit because no one comes over at her beck and call, then let her throw a fit. If she wants to get passive aggressive and tell you that she only sees you because she doesn't have better plans, then let her be a bitch. It's time for you to do what works for you and YH because that is your family now, you aren't in HS any more.

[EmilieMadison]

Your mom is manipulative and selfish. But is this a surprise? Do what you want, she'll never be happy anyway.

[aussiecrush]

Holy crap your mom sucks. I'm so sorry that you are hurting but really she's doing you a favor here. Now you can do what you want with your holidays. Set up plans now for Easter with other family or friends. Do not engage the crazy.

[speckledfrog]

For good measure, I'll throw in that it's not your job to make her happy, so stop trying.

[bugandbibs]

I'm sorry you are hurt. Your mother sounds exhausting and draining.

Her behavior isn't about you, nothing you do will change her. The best you can do is set limits to minimize the impact it has on your life. Stop bending over backwards and start living your life for you.

[hisno1girl]

This is going to be harsh but your mother sounds like a whackadoodle for crying over her adult children not being there in the morning when she wakes up on Christmas Day. You and your siblings enable the fallacy by showing up in pajamas so she can still think you all slept there the night before.

Then, you were crying 'all night' to three people because they had to cancel plans on your birthday and because your cake had been eaten two days later.

You both have issues.

[zitiqueen]

I can't believe your H has agreed to no holidays with his family ever just to appease your mom. Or that you would expect it of him just to appease your mom.

[WOT?*]

Your dad is an asshole and you don't put up with his crap? Sounds like your mom is the asshole and there's a reason your dad is a negative turd.

Stop putting your (much nicer and more understanding) husband's family aside because your mom is a manipulative bitch and you want to continue enabling her manipulations. Be the family you and your DH want to be, invite and spend time with the people you want to spend time with and don't let your mom guilt you into anything different. "This is what we can/are willing to do and we'll make it work within these parameters. If you can't make it, sorry-we'll-miss-you-enjoy-your-whatever-else-you-planned-instead."

[anlo]

Wow, dude. Time for some space I think.

[tacokick]

How old are your parents? They seem really into the "party" lifestyle.

That said, just do you own thing. Stop catering to these people! They obviously don't appreciate it.

[ECB]

I'm going to throw this out early... I think you could perhaps benefit from some counseling.  You thought you and your mom had a "close relationship"?  No, what you had was a highly manipulative relationship.  Your DH hasn't seen his mom in YEARS on the holidays because of your mom.....  REALLY? Your DH is a fucking angel, is all I have to say.  He gets one meal to make up for his birthday, T-giving AND Christmas?

Dude.  YOU need to start putting your DH first in this equation.  Not your mom.  I almost couldn't get past the first paragraph, to be honest.

And really... you think what your mom said is true? That the "only" reason she spent all those years w/ you is because she had nothing better to do?  You're starting to become that overly emotional/ over reactive person that your mom is.  You're twisting ONE sentence into something much more than it is.  (not to mention the whole "Crying all night" bit too.  You're falling into your moms behaviors....)

[goaskalice]

It sucks when you grow up and realize just how manipulative and shitty parents can be. You're married though, it's time to start your own traditions. It will suck for a while (maybe forever honestly) but you need to stand up for yourself or this shit will never end.

[mandymay]

Your mom sounds like my MIL. For our first Christmas back in the state we live in now she begged my husband to sleep on our floor (We had a tiny one bedroom apartment) so she could be there to open presents in the morning and make breakfast. She would then wait there in our apartment alone while we went to my family to enjoy Christmas lunch/my family time. Oh, we also spent Christmas Eve with them so it's not like we don't see them. Also, she lived ten minutes away. My husband shut that down and there was major drama.

Anyway, you have to do what you want to do for your holidays. Start setting up your own traditions and stop pandering to whatever your mom wants. You all really show up in the morning with your pajamas on? That just sounds odd. If your mom can't be responsible and let people know in October or even November that they have plans on the 21st then that's her problem and not anyone else's. Just try and ignore her passive aggressiveness or call her out on it and get it all out in the open.

Oh, and my MIL help up my wedding ceremony 40 minutes and disappeared for about an hour during the reception. No one knew where she was. I feel you on mother (or in this case, MIL) issues.

[mandymay]

Dec 15, 2013 14:33:06 GMT -5 zitiqueen said:

I can't believe your H has agreed to no holidays with his family ever just to appease your mom. Or that you would expect it of him just to appease your mom.

Also, this. How has his family not developed resentment issues toward you and your family? Does he not like his family all that much or do they live far away?

[mcmel]

Dec 15, 2013 14:34:11 GMT -5 tacokick said:

How old are your parents? They seem really into the "party" lifestyle.

That said, just do you own thing. Stop catering to these people! They obviously don't appreciate it.

Both are about to turn 50 and yeah we were/are all confused at the sudden party lifestyle.

[saraandmichael]

this is a long, contradictory story that tells me the apple likely doesn't fall far from the tree.

annnnnnd, thats about all i've got.

[zitiqueen]

Dec 15, 2013 14:37:43 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Dec 15, 2013 14:34:11 GMT -5 tacokick said:

How old are your parents? They seem really into the "party" lifestyle.

That said, just do you own thing. Stop catering to these people! They obviously don't appreciate it.

Both are about to turn 50 and yeah we were/are all confused at the sudden party lifestyle.

How old are you and your siblings?

[mcmel]

Dec 15, 2013 14:32:08 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

This is going to be harsh but your mother sounds like a whackadoodle for crying over her adult children not being there in the morning when she wakes up on Christmas Day. You and your siblings enable the fallacy by showing up in pajamas so she can still think you all slept there the night before.

Then, you were crying 'all night' to three people because they had to cancel plans on your birthday and because your cake had been eaten two days later.

You both have issues.

Dec 15, 2013 14:34:52 GMT -5 ECB said:

I'm going to throw this out early... I think you could perhaps benefit from some counseling.  You thought you and your mom had a "close relationship"?  No, what you had was a highly manipulative relationship.  Your DH hasn't seen his mom in YEARS on the holidays because of your mom.....  REALLY? You're DH is a fucking angel, is all I have to say.  He gets one meal to make up for his birthday, T-giving AND Christmas?

Dude.  YOU need to start putting your DH first in this equation.  Not your mom.  I almost couldn't get past the first paragraph, to be honest.

And really... you think what your mom said is true? That the "only" reason she spent all those years w/ you is because she had nothing better to do?  You're starting to become that overly emotional/ over reactive person that your mom is.  You're twisting ONE sentence into something much more than it is.  (not to mention the whole "Crying all night" bit too.  You're falling into your moms behaviors....)

I wholeheartedly agree, especially with the counselling bit. I think the biggest factor is that I don't have any grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nada. It's always been just us four and then our spouses so the closeness may have felt like that because I didn't have anything else to cling on to. 

When my brother and his wife are the only ones showing up to a family get together it makes me sad. I truly can't help the emptiness of it all. 

[mcmel]

Dec 15, 2013 14:40:12 GMT -5 zitiqueen said:

Dec 15, 2013 14:37:43 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Both are about to turn 50 and yeah we were/are all confused at the sudden party lifestyle.

How old are you and your siblings?

I'm 22 (I know I know, time to...yeah I got it) and my brother is somewhere around 27. 

[snickers]

I'm sorry
Time to cut those strings for awhile, I think.

[Booze Raccoon]

Dec 15, 2013 14:37:43 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Dec 15, 2013 14:34:11 GMT -5 tacokick said:

How old are your parents? They seem really into the "party" lifestyle.

That said, just do you own thing. Stop catering to these people! They obviously don't appreciate it.

Both are about to turn 50 and yeah we were/are all confused at the sudden party lifestyle.

Holy shit, how old are you?

ETA:  nevermind, I saw you're 22.  

[mcmel]

Dec 15, 2013 14:37:38 GMT -5 mandymay said:

Dec 15, 2013 14:33:06 GMT -5 zitiqueen said:

I can't believe your H has agreed to no holidays with his family ever just to appease your mom. Or that you would expect it of him just to appease your mom.

Also, this. How has his family not developed resentment issues toward you and your family? Does he not like his family all that much or do they live far away?

They're not close at all. They only talked twice a year or so without me in the equation. His parents have always liked me and don't find the once or twice a year thing strange at all like my family does, but I will absolutely be putting more effort into making sure he sees them more. I truly feel like shit about it even though he's never mentioned wanting to see his mom more, but I get it. 

[thedutchgirl]

Your mother has manipulated you all for years, and now that it isn't going exactly how she wants, she's throwing a tantrum.

Boundaries. You need to establish some. Whether you can do it alone or need a therapist is up to you, but you have to learn that your family is you and your husband first. And that there is no priority for your extended family over his. He's not seen his own mother on holidays for years? That's NOT FAIR.

It also seems you need to learn to let go a bit as well. You cried for hours over your birthday and a cake? I get that birthdays are more important to some people, but perhaps some perspective on that would help you as well.

Your mother has shown for a long time that her feelings/plans are the only ones that matter. I'm sorry this is just sinking in to you now.

[5thofjuly]

I'm guessing you haven't been married very long. Control what you can control here. Those two things are:

1. Your reactions. I get being a little upset, but, seriously, cut the histrionics.
2. Your marriage. Your DH seems to have been a saint so far to let you "win" on whose family you spend every single holiday with. If he's not already resentful, he will be soon, and it WILL affect your marriage. Work out a much more fair compromise, your mother be damned.

[ECB]

Dec 15, 2013 14:43:11 GMT -5 mcmel said:

I didn't have anything else to cling on to.

When my brother and his wife are the only ones showing up to a family get together it makes me sad. I truly can't help the emptiness of it all.

First, I understand the "clinging" part. This is what you know - I get that. BUT now it's time to realize that this isn't normal, AND it's time to move your focus to your DH.

Which encompasses the 2nd part of what you wrote - if you focus on your family that you grew up with, yes, it will feel empty. But if you start to focus on your DH and HIS family, it won't be so empty! You've got to take a step back and start taking in the bigger picture. I REALLY think you owe your DH a huge apology and I think you have got to , if not this year, next year, you need to start spending holidays w/ HIS family. Open up your world.

And seriously- get counseling.