H pissed me off, justified?

[verypunny]

My h is a workaholic.  55+ per week.  I stay at home.  Three kids, one in 2nd grade the others at home.  My husband took off the week of Christmas months ago.  My son is off from school and we thought we would go to a movie, sled, hang out since we don't get a lot of family time.

H calls me this morning and says he told his boss he would work Monday and tues since we would " just be sitting around the house". And he has wed- sun off to do family stuff.  He has been out of town a lot including this week and I was looking forward to that time before all the company comes and things get hectic.  When I told him that he got all pissed and said "fine! I will tell him I can't work!"  Now he will just be miserable when he is home.  Ugh.

[Booze Raccoon]

Eh, I might be a horse of a different color but that wouldn't bother me. It seems like a compromise. I can see why you're mad though, he kind of broke his verbal promise.

[idoinjuly]

Um yes, I would be mad. Just sitting at home? That's bs.

[Deleted]

I'd be irritated he didn't say "hey let me just run this by my wife quick" or something like that, if it was okay to do so, but other than that I'd be more hurt than pissed. And talk it through.

It IS a good compromise for work, so I can see where they are both coming from.

[verypunny]

On sun he said something in passing like " I was going to tell boss I will work mon and tues next week but I'm so glad i didn't, I need a vacation". And I said " yes you do, we all do, you earned it". Then bam today he's working again.

[5hole]

Justified. From your reaction, I'm gonna guess this is a pattern of blowing off family for work, yes?

This is a bigger discussion about prioritizing family, even for non "events" like sledding and hanging out, because to your kids sledding with daddy may be something they've really been looking forward to for weeks.

[miniroller]

I'd be upset.
Did he just volunteer or does work need his help for timely matters?

[verypunny]

Dec 16, 2013 9:07:10 GMT -5 @gabasaurus said:

I would be annoyed because he had promised to be home. If he can't handle a week at home without being bored, maybe it's better he take those 2 days at work, so that his grumpiness doesn't dominate the house. Sorry

That's the thing, he can be so damn moody, I would almost rather have him work now instead of being home with a bad attitude.  I guess I want him to be home because he wants to be home. Obviously I can't make him want to " sit around at home" instead of going to work.  I'll probably just tell him to go in.  

[aprilsails]

This is the worst. I would be so frustrated.

Since he is taking the time off, I would suggest looking at the long term forecast and coming up with an event for each of the two days with the kids. The whole family together. After that hype it to the kids so he follows through.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2013 9:07:28 GMT -5 verypunny said:

On sun he said something in passing like " I was going to tell boss I will work mon and tues next week but I'm so glad i didn't, I need a vacation". And I said " yes you do, we all do, you earned it". Then bam today he's working again.

Then I'd guess he's feeling pressure at work from his boss or others. What sort of job does he do? I know it's hard but I'd try to be understanding and talk this out. It's really hard to balance work and home sometimes.

[verypunny]

Dec 16, 2013 9:08:30 GMT -5 miniroller said:

I'd be upset.
Did he just volunteer or does work need his help for timely matters?

It's a busy time and they will be short staffed that week.  They have had some people quit.  But they always call him because they know he will take the call.  It's service based, so if a business or restaurant has an issue he has to figure it put and fix it.  There's no telling exactly how busy it will be.



 He sort of views putting work first as putting us first because he is hourly and the OT is really good.  That doesn't apply in this case because he has paid vacation and won't be getting OT that week anyway.  He does miss a lot of birthdays and anniversaries.  He was late for our daughters birthday party Friday and missed something else we had planned last week.  I did not give him a hard time either of those times but I guess this time was just one too many.

[verypunny]

Dec 16, 2013 9:13:46 GMT -5 ninjabridemom said:

Dec 16, 2013 9:07:28 GMT -5 verypunny said:

On sun he said something in passing like " I was going to tell boss I will work mon and tues next week but I'm so glad i didn't, I need a vacation". And I said " yes you do, we all do, you earned it". Then bam today he's working again.

Then I'd guess he's feeling pressure at work from his boss or others. What sort of job does he do? I know it's hard but I'd try to be understanding and talk this out. It's really hard to balance work and home sometimes.

It is really hard for him and I really do cut home slack.  This is the first time in recent memory I've put up an argument.  He approached his boss, not the other way around.  His boss said " you were approved for the time off, obviously it's busy but you were already approved". I do know he feels pressure so I never know when it's okay appropriate to voice my displeasure.

[y4m]

I think it depends a little on how he ended up with the week off in the first place.

If you guys have discussed how you never get family time and he took this week off specifically to fix that, then I'd be livid. On the other hand, if his company is closed or he took it off without your prompting, then he might get a pass from me--if you never discussed how important this family time was to you, it's possible he just didn't realize…

This is a constant fight in my household and we don't even have kids, so I feel your pain.

[verypunny]

Dec 16, 2013 9:22:09 GMT -5 y4m said:

I think it depends a little on how he ended up with the week off in the first place.

If you guys have discussed how you never get family time and he took this week off specifically to fix that, then I'd be livid. On the other hand, if his company is closed or he took it off without your prompting, then he might get a pass from me--if you never discussed how important this family time was to you, it's possible he just didn't realize…

This is a constant fight in my household and we don't even have kids, so I feel your pain.

He took it off for family time.

[snickers]

I would be upset.
Him being home would also give you a little break and time to get things done before Christmas, and you want to spend time as a family. I am team you.

[fryjack2]

I would be annoyed if you had specific plans made for the 2 days he wants to go in to work. Otherwise, I would get a sitter and also be gone those two days? Do you need a break from the kids or is it more about wanting family time?

Can he go in early and be home by noon? So its not a whole day away?

[Deleted]

Of couse you should be pissed. Your husband has implied that he finds fulfillment at work rather than at home with his family. I would draw blood (not literally) if my husband did that to me.

[leeann]

I don't know that I'd read all that into it. I know that sometimes you have to work more than you want to and maybe he didn't articulate it well, but I don't know that I'd be that pissed about it. Of course, we have no kids, so take that with a huge grain of salt.

[takeonyou]

I would be pissed. I'm also a spouse of a workaholic. It can really hurt to feel second to a job.

[Deleted]

I would be annoyed. I get where he's coming from because I feel guilty if I take that much time off of work. Knowing that someone else is handling my work makes me anxious. But I would always rather be at home with my family than at work. I'd be annoyed that he didn't seem to want to be too.

[rex]

I'd be annoyed.

But 55hrs a week is a workaholic? My H is required to work around 50hrs a week and I'd hardly consider him a workaholic.

[littlesthobo]

Ugh. I feel you.
I would end up feeling so pressured to make those days fun and "worth the time off" for him that I'd end up stressed and miserable.

[vanillacourage]

I would be annoyed.  But I'm guessing that the sole provider for a SAHM and three kids who is paid hourly feels a lot of pressure about taking an entire week off at what is traditionally a very busy time for his company, when they are already short-staffed.

[verypunny]

Dec 16, 2013 10:00:06 GMT -5 rex said:

I'd be annoyed.

But 55hrs a week is a workaholic? My H is required to work around 50hrs a week and I'd hardly consider him a workaholic.

It's kind of unique.  It can be 55 hrs on a slow week and 80 on a busy one.  Plus he does side work at least one night a week and a weekend day that is not figured into the 55-80 hours.  Also, that is billable time, he is often out of town so we don't see him even when he's not working.

i think a big part is I was hoping for a bit of a break, I feel really stressed lately.  I really do get it most of the time.  He has to work hard to get paid good money and advance, I am usually his biggest cheerleader.  I do know he would rather not miss important events and feel bad for him when he does.  

This time it stung because he volunteered unprompted, without telling me he was going to and after he had taken the time off.  Also, this is not for the overtime so I can't view it as a financial decision.

[ECB]

Dec 16, 2013 10:24:54 GMT -5 verypunny said:

This time it stung because he volunteered unprompted, without telling me he was going to and after he had taken the time off. Also, this is not for the overtime so I can't view it as a financial decision.

Read more: pandce.proboards.com/thread/266358/pissed-me-off-justified?page=2&scrollTo=4913770#ixzz2neam16Nx

I was already on the "I'd be pissed" side of things, but this ramps it up even more.  YOU need a break too.  YOU work 24/7.  I agree w/ whoever said it earlier - I think there needs to be a larger talk around time/ time off/ expectations and priorities.

Making money is necessary, but spending time, just simple TIME w/ your kids is just so damn fricking important too.  He needs to put you and your kids first  - beyond making $$ to support you. 

[Deleted]

Maybe you need to sit him down and tell him what you said here. Maybe he really doesn't "get it".

I would be pissed if I were on your shoes, too. You have been looking forward to this, he's not going to be making major $$$ in overtime, I'm sure you have made plans. And he just decides to work.

FWIW I have been there myself. DH used to be a foreman and would run when the company needed help. He almost missed our daughters first Christmas due to his company understaffing a project until 3 weeks before Christmas, so for about 8-9 months they were behind. Then suddenly it was a huge rush, all hands on deck and he had to be OOT until it was finished, which ended up being Christmas Eve. He had requested the 2 days prior off as soon as we found out we were expecting, so he was slated to be off, but he went anyway. He got home at 1am on Christmas Day. Since then he has gotten better, but it didn't really hit him he until that night. He still would run for a few years, but now he is in a different aspect of his job.

[renna]

My husband told me this morning he thought he had taken all of Christmas week off but he noticed this morning he actually only took the 25th-27th. The 23rd is his birthday and the 24th we travel (80 minutes each way) to my parents' house.

I'm sure I internally rolled my eyes for a minute because of the mix-up but then redirected myself because we can make it work. (I am a stay-at-home mom now and our one child is a kindergartner.)

I am sorry for you, OP, because it sounds like it's a harder blow for you. I'm sorry. I hope you can salvage the time and have some fun.

[sailorgray]

I have a h who works and travels all f the time. I have two kids at home with me. I'd be super pissed. I look forward to h being home.  I get you totally.

[livinitup]

I think what strikes me as so galling is the way he said it, and his overall attitude. "Just" sitting home means it has little to no value, and the huffy "fine" is such a set-up to a miserable day - that YOU have to fix, or suffer through. You even posted It "He'll be such a grump, that I might as well tell him to go to work." That's a class-A set-up.

If the issue is that he doesn't think the family time is valuable, and he doesn't because he both said it AND acted on it. Then you have to push back on HIM to make it valuable. I am like you, I can imagine a wonderful day, busy and having a ball. What is he imagining - wasting time, bored, irritated? Because those are vastly different images. I think you have to drill down to the REAL issue which is that Mon and Tues is ACTUALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WORK and chocked-full of potential to have a great time together. Maybe he needs to actually make plans for being around the house - making breakfast, building a snow man, renting Frosty. If he can imagine it, it won't seem like such a waste. And yes, this is parenting, the fun side.

I would not send him to work to avoid a grumpy jerk from sulking around the house. I would expect him to make good use of his family time. With a warm and open spirit. And if he can't do that - then YOU leave for a fabulous blow-out and manicure.

[lime]

LOL - 55 hours per week is so not workaholism.

I get why you are irritated about his attitude, though.