Okay so I saw my best friend last night. She got married a year before I did and she has two kids. same ages as mine etc. We are very close.
She and I were talking and she was acting kinda sad. Said she wasn't in the Christmas spirit etc. We talked more and she said that her husband casually told her in conversation that he had cheated on her while they were dating. He told her that they hadn't even been dating a year at that point so it didn't count. They have been married ten years.
She is really upset. She says that theres not much she can say about it now it was a loooong time ago but she feels wrong letting it go too. She told him she was upset but he sluffed it off.
She asked me what I would have done and I told her that I would be pissed but that I get it.. what can you do at this point. I don't see that as a deal breaker but its a lie that he kept for all this time. I guess what I am asking is what advice would you have given her. I felt bad.
How does he "casually" say that in a conversation? I think it does "count", but it's tough b/c now they have been married ten years and you can't unring that bell. My primary concern is how nonchalant he was about it.
ETA: For you provide a listening year and a shoulder to lean on.
What an ass for telling her. If it was over 10+ year ago before they even married it only makes him feel better about telling his sin. It hurts her in the process. Now she will forever not look at her marriage the same.
He is a douchebag. It doesnt count? WTF? I dont known what i would do in her shoes. It would make me take a serious look at my husband and whether I thought we had a future since he broke trust, then acted like it was NBD and expected me to brush it off as well.
Post by BieberMyBalls on Dec 17, 2013 10:45:44 GMT -5
Her H is a douche for telling her. That's something that should have been dealt with when it happened, not years down the road. At this point, all that telling her accomplished is clearing his guilty conscience, and hurting her. And if I were in her shoes, I'd be wondering what other skeletons he's got in his closet, if it took him that long to be honest with me. I have no advice, but I'm sorry for what your friend is dealing with. What a shitty situation.
That's the kind of secret you take to the grave unless you are intentionally trying to hurt someone
Yeah, this. Why even tell her? Especially if its not to beg for forgiveness because its been eating him away inside. I think I would be more pissed about his "whatever" attitude than the cheating, because his attitude is showing her he doesn't care now. 10 years into their marriage.
I agree with all of you. I guess she asked him about something that happened way back then and he told her. He's like "But we have been married ten years its nbd we weren't exclusive" to which she said that yes.. at that time they were and it hurts to know that he lied then and lied for ten years and is blowing it off now.
I 100% agree with her. I want to throat punch him for her
I'm wondering what lead up to the "casual" reference. Was it just like out of the blue or was there a heated discussion that lead up to the comment? Did she ask him 10 years ago if he cheated and he denied it?
I can understand why she's bummed. But has her marriage been good up until now or has trouble been brewing?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I'd be all conspiracy theory with this. People don't just casually bring something like this up - they know it's an issue. He told her for a reason, I just don't know what the reason is.
I would not be on the forgive and forget train, and I don't think it's super-relevant that it happened ten years ago. Maybe if he'd told her at the time, she would have forgiven him and they could have moved past it, but in keeping it a secret, he's taken from her the ability to make an informed choice as to whether he was partner material or, in fact, a flaming douchebag.
I'm not saying it HAS to be a dealbreaker, but I sure wouldn't blame her if it is.
It's weird that her H told her, but unless she is currently unhappy, I'd try to move past it since it was so long ago.
One of my good friends cheated on her H when they were first dating. They've now been married 7 years and I don't think she'll ever tell him. What's the point now, unless like PP said, you want to hurt him/her?
I'm wondering what lead up to the "casual" reference. Was it just like out of the blue or was there a heated discussion that lead up to the comment? Did she ask him 10 years ago if he cheated and he denied it?
I can understand why she's bummed. But has her marriage been good up until now or has trouble been brewing?
It was rocky for awhile but is very good now (her words not mine).
Post by shopgirl07 on Dec 17, 2013 11:51:13 GMT -5
At first glance, my thoughts were that he's an asshole for telling her.
But there are two sides to the story here. It sounds like she might have been nagging him about something that happened over 10 years ago. Maybe he just got sick of being asked about it so he finally told.
He told her for a reason, I just don't know what the reason is.
Because she brought it up and asked?
They were not in agreement about whether or not they were exclusive at that time? That's strange. I tend to think it's best to not assume exclusivity unless it is explicitly discussed.
Ya when they met he was seeing other women. she knew about it. but turned a blind eye to it. I would tell her to dump his ass but whatever, they made it through. I never liked him and I would love to bash his ass but ya maybe they weren't in agreement of exclusivity
I'd be all conspiracy theory with this. People don't just casually bring something like this up - they know it's an issue. He told her for a reason, I just don't know what the reason is.
Oh, like maybe he found out he has a kid from then and knows he has to tell her?
Interesting theory... I hope for her friend's sake that you're wrong, but that would make sense that he was so nonchalant about it. Maybe he is telling her one piece at a time, like btw I cheated on you then. Oh and I ran into the girl last week and surprise, she has a 10 year old kid.
My late H did this to me and it totally sucked. The only difference was the timeline. The cheating occurred 2 years prior. What I wanted was to break up, but when you're married breaking up is not an option, and it was juuuust shy of being divorce-worthy. A year after his death and almost 2 years after finding out, I am still stewing about it. I kept thinking "I would never have married you if I had known you did that," but really, what recourse did I have?
And my late H told me because I asked him again about a night when he acted weird. He had denied that anything happened in the past, but he gave in and told me the whole story.
They were not in agreement about whether or not they were exclusive at that time? That's strange. I tend to think it's best to not assume exclusivity unless it is explicitly discussed.
Ya when they met he was seeing other women. she knew about it. but turned a blind eye to it. I would tell her to dump his ass but whatever, they made it through. I never liked him and I would love to bash his ass but ya maybe they weren't in agreement of exclusivity
So she turned a blind eye to it but now it's hurting her after 10 years? I think there is the possibility she has some unresolved issues because of their opposing ideas of exclusivity.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I don't know. You don't like him. He met her and cheated on someone to be with her. He then cheated on her. He lies for 10 years and finally admits it...
I am all for second chances but this guys sounds like a serial douche. Your poor friend.
All you can do is be there for her, ultimately it's her decision but I think you are right to hate this guy.
Could he be testing the waters for confession of a more recent transgression?
Yeah, I was wondering this when you said she said they went through a rogh patch. But it also sounds like she may have been picking at an old incident and he decided to just tell her the truth to get her to stop asking about it. That would explain the it-is-in-the-past mentality.
But if they were dating a year when it happened, yeah I'd be pissed. That's a long time to not be exclusive unless they were on again off again. This situation just sucks.
You don't think it's super douchey and suspect to be all "hey, pass the salt. Btw, totes had sex with someone else in 2002."
I don't think that's what happened. Sloan said the wife brought it up and asked him about it.
I guess I see it more like when they started dating, he WAS DATING OTHER WOMEN AT THE TIME and she knew about it but turned a blind eye (exactly how Sloan stated in another reply). 10 years later, it's still bothering her, so she asks about Jane that really friendly bartender she used to see him around town with and he's all, well yeah, I dated her for a while.
Maybe I should read all the updates. Lol. In any event the guy sounds like a jerk regardless.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Dec 17, 2013 13:05:13 GMT -5
I just don't believe that this is the only time he cheated. I think he's setting up to tell her something much more current. I don't know, my radar is going off.
Even if it was a long time ago, she's just learning about it now. She has a right to be upset. It paints her history with this man in a different light. What she thought about him, and them, wasn't true. Something less nice was true. Even if nothing else ever has or will happen, that's an adjustment.
If he proves himself trustworthy over the long haul, they can move on, but her H needs to respect her need to figure this out on her own time and terms. Just the way he chose to keep this a secret, and then tell her, on his own terms.
I just don't believe that this is the only time he cheated. I think he's setting up to tell her something much more current. I don't know, my radar is going off.
I thought this too.
They were together for a year when this happened? I'd have to side with "yeah, they probably were exclusive".
But if you, SP, never liked him, he was dating numerous women at the start... kind of makes me wonder if he wasn't serious about being exclusive but said "sure" to appease her.