Is your SO a geek, too?

[pl77]

Hi.  This is likely to be long.  I met my ex husband when we were 16, we were engaged at 18, married at 21, divorced at 28 when I realized he was actually secretly gay.  When I first started dating again, my only qualifications were : straight, must like kids (I have two, they won't be introduced to anyone until I've been dating them exclusively at least a year) or even have some of their own, kind, attractive to me.  I have a date with a man who seems like a fantastic dad and a kind, smart, funny person this Saturday.  He's bald with facial hair and wears glasses which I generally am attracted to, and he's 6'4".

My problem?  I made a "POTATOES: Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" joke and he didn't get the reference.  That's fine, whatever, not everyone likes the LOTR movies and less people have actually read the books.  But then I mentioned I'd be in Hufflepuff house and he said he'd never really gotten into Harry Potter.

Now, I'm a grown ass woman.  I'm 28.  But I fucking love Harry Potter.  I've read all the books as they came out and saw all the movies and have long, happy talks with my friends (who are unfortunately either women or married men) about what house we'd be in, about the movie/book differences, on and on and on.

I'm still going on a date with this guy, but as I think about it more, I also want someone that reads.  They don't have to read as much as I do because I average four books a month, but reads in general would be nice, and someone that GETS my fandoms -Sherlock, HP, LOTR, the Cornetto trilogy/Spaced/That Mitchel and Webb Look etc...is preferable.  My ex was gay but at least in between talking about how much we both loved Mean Girls (how did I not know.) we could talk about LOTR and HP.  I want that again, but with a straight man.  My brother told me I'm being too picky and that as a single mom going back to school (he didn't mention this- but also I'm a size 12, I ain't skinny) I might not be able to pick and choose everything I want.  That's true.  But I feel like there are probably plenty of men in the world that will date a single mom that get excited talking about HP, Sherlock, LOTR, Mario games, etc.

Is your SO geeky too or does he just love you anyway, even though he has no interest in your stuff? 

[starfish]

PFFFT I know tons of single geek guys who would swoop you up in a min, hell my BIL is single, meets everything but has thick hair you listed. Tell your brother to blow it out his ass. Size 12 is not huge, I am a 8-10 and i think I am pretty damn sexy.
The only thing I think is you need to be picky and find someone who suits you. I do lots of things that my DH doesn't do. But when it comes down to it, how important is doing everything together? We both watch and read the same style, but he also likes movies like star wars and I can only stomach them maybe 1 a year. I love shopping, and doing crafts like sewing and scrapbooks, and he couldn't care less. I took up archery, and he supports me, but isn't interested in joining me.

[Pippin]

My DH is not a geek at all. He's totally into sports and I'm not but it works for us to like different things. Both of us will do stuff the other only likes once in awhile but ill never really get into sports and I'm not expected him to turn into a Trekkie ether.

I'm generally in the give people a chance group. You never know opposites attack or you two might not click over other things.

[starfish]

I just wanted to add, my DH is the bigger nerd/geek. He makes some of the worst jokes that I just don't get until he explains it. Then I forget it,and he tells it again, and I just sorta groan and go on. 

[katfco]

DH and I started out with different geeky interests. He'd never read Harry Potter or seen Star Trek. I had never even heard of Doctor Who or MST3K. Now, 11 years later, I'm catching up on my Doctor Who, our DVD collection is full of MST3K movies and DH brings home Star Trek books from the library.

If it's the right person, you learn about each other's interests, you let them in on the jokes.

Still can't get DH to care about the Harry Potter movies, though. But then, he can't get me to tolerate football.

[gnorah]

1. There is someone out there who will love you and your kids just the way you need. It doesn't matter what size you are, what you look like, or what you are interested in. There is someone out there for you. Is it this guy? Who knows. But tell your brother to stuff it. You should always be picky when choosing your life partner.

2. My DH is seriously geeky, and we have some geekiness in common and we have some unique geekiness. I love The Sims, he thinks it's ridiculous. He likes to watch Futurama over and over and over and over and over and over and over... Futurama has it's moments of brilliance, but I don't want to watch it a million times. Having some interests that are different are a good thing. Give the guy a chance - you'll never know unless you give it a try.

[pirate]

H and I had surprisingly few interests in common when we first met, now that I think about it! But I tried WoW because he really wanted me to, and he started reading Harry Potter because he saw how much I loved it, and we've really grown into each other's interests a lot. I mean, of course there are some things I love that he just doesn't get and vice versa, but you just never know.

[scribellesam]

H and I have the same geeky taste in movies but he doesn't really read much and has basically zero understanding of Internet culture or geek culture. I don't mind it, I just find other friends who want to have in depth discussions of my geeky interests with. H also hates fancy bistro-type food, so I go out with foodie friends and then just order pizza with him. Temperament comparability is more important to me than interest-sharing.

[BlackCanary]

DH was the one who got me into all things geeky! He got me into comics! He is more into video games now though. 

[GilliC]

My XH has never seen Star Wars, and he actually believes that in most cases the film is better than the book. However, he was very much into video games, we shared quite a few other fandoms (Firefly, Doctor Who, etc), and since we're both programmers we talked a lot about code and computers.

My boyfriend is a huge Star Wars fan, and I think it sealed the deal the first time he stayed over after a night out and realized in the morning that the stuffed animal next to the bed was an AT-AT. He's a big reader, and I really enjoy that we can share books. (He's also a programmer; I have a thing for programmers.)

I really like dating geeks, and I've almost always dated men with a reasonably high level of geekiness. However, I think that a strong interest in travel is probably more of a requirement for me. While I enjoy sharing my geeky interests, I can live without it; whereas I need someone who will be my travel companion, because it's harder to do that without your partner.

[secretlyevil]

H is the geek of the family. I'm a wanna be.

[CheshireGrin]

H and I share a lot of the same interests. Not all, but a fair amount. I'd say we're both geeks, but in different ways.

I wouldn't discount this guy right now just because he doesn't share your interests, but you should also ABSOLUTELY NOT feel like you have to settle. If things progress and you find that you really click and can each share your interests with the other, then GREAT! If you don't, then hold out for that person who will.

I was divorced for almost 5 years before I met my new husband. There were times when I seriously did not think I was ever going to find someone who "got" me. But I am so glad that I did not settle for any of the guys that were just decent, and now I couldn't be happier.

[dr.girlfriend]

DH and I both bonded over shared geek interests initially(X-Files), but I would not at all require some sort of "geek cred" to consider a relationship with someone. Honestly, if you look at DH and I, there were things about him that I would have considered "deal-breakers" on a computer dating site or something (e.g., smoking, different religious beliefs, etc.) But, we clicked interpersonally, and that's all that matters. If this guy looks at you like you're crazy for liking Harry Potter, that's one thing, but if he's just not into it yet than you'll have fun introducing him to it. I agree that you don't have to settle, but you also can't expect someone to be your perfect match in every way straight out of the box. A good relationship involves (willing) change to both parties, and growing together rather than growing apart. I'm geeky as hell about certain things, but I'm never going to go back and watch all the pre-9 Doctor Whos that DH loves, and he's not into some of the things I love, but we are a fantastic couple, if I do say so myself. ;-) And honestly, I've read all the LOTR books (but only saw the first three movies once) and I didn't get the potatoes joke.

[AJL]

I married a man who brought out my geek in a big way.  I have always been a geek and a nerd, but it wasn't cool to be so in a lot of my social circles (or so I thought.)  He has really helped me let it all out.

I love DH's unabashed geekiness. I love his honesty about his interests and passions. He's a techno-geek. He builds 3D printers. He's into robotics. He loves sci fi. He's a physics nerd of the highest order. 

His family never really understood him, though they love him very much. One thing his mother said to mine just before we were married was that, "[AJL] really gets him. She truly understands him and loves him for all his odd and strange passions."  Well odd and strange to her, at least. LOL!

[semay]

Nope, H is not a geek in the least. You mentioned that you want someone who "gets" your fandoms. While that is nice, I don't think having someone who "gets" it is a necessity, but having someone who "supports" it is. H has never seen/read HP, doesn't watch DW, hates to read, never seen Star Wars, etc. However, he built me a TARDIS bookshelf for Christmas, let's me ramble on about my River Song conspiracy theories, went to see the new Star Trek movies with me, will sit in the library for hours with me, and so on. He doesn't "get" my geek-hood, but he sure as hell supports it and it's great.

ETA: Oh, and he agreed to dress up as Eleven this past Halloween, but then I got sick. God, that man MUST love me.

[gibbinator]

Dh likes some geeky things - like star trek, and classic Nintendo. But in general no he's not really a geek. He's seen LOTR because he likes movies generally, but he's not into Harry potter, he hasn't read the LOTR books, he doesn't like anime, not really into super heroes, is sick to death of star wars, etc etc.
We have a lot of other common interests though so it's no big deal. I've gotten him interested in some things over time too.

[mala]

I was going to say my H is not geeky at all, but that's not true. He has very limited geekness. He is a major Star Wars nut. Loves Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Nerds out about airplanes and cars. He doesn't give two shits about Doctor Who, Harry Potter, video games that are not about racing or flying, Superheros, or comics. I've gotten him into Sherlock, Firefly, and Dollhouse. He's gotten me interested in Top Gear. I think it's a balance, and if this new guy is willing to at least give your interests a shot (and you his) then it's worth exploring the relationship.

[lolanjoe]

DH is very geeky, as am I. We don't have complete overlap in our interests, but I love that we can enjoy a lot of things together. I can't quite picture myself with a non-geeky person, and before DH I really didn't date anyone nearly as geeky as me.

[DesertMoon]

My DH is not a geek at all. He doesn't read or talk about this stuff, although he admires it in me. We do watch supernatural together and Star Trek and 4400, but he won't give doctor who a chance. He games sometimes but idk, he's not as nerdy as me.


i think you should give him a chance. Don't write him off because he doesn't have the same interests kwim?

[itsme]

DH is geeky but in a cool kid kind of way. We bonded because of our geekiness and somewhat similar interests. He is into anime, airsoft, making his own costumes and props, watching cartoons like Futurama, zombies, video games, and ninja stuff. I love reading, playing video games, used to play airsoft with him, all things war, zombies and all that but I am not a huge cartoon fan anymore. He doesn't read and we play different video games. I play the Skyrim type and he plays Call of Duty type of games. We will, however, play the zombie games or the first person shooters together. He will be in one room and me in another playing.  We tend to like the same type of action or sci fi movies like LOTR.  

I love dressing up for Halloween but I like to make my own costumes. I don't sew so I have to buy and piece things together. He loves that too. He was into pepakura for awhile and I have the machine that will cut the stuff so we're thinking of combining our powers and making costumes that way.

[AJL]

Having just read the OP again (essentially I just answered the post question), I think you have to expand your definition of geek.

My husband HATES LOTR. He loves MST3K (bleh.) Does that make he or me less of a geek? No. Being a geek means that someone is totally and completely into something without any care to what another person may think about it. They love what they love and they're not ashamed or afraid to show it. It could be comics, various fandoms (Buffy, BSG, STTNG, Sherlock, DRW/Torchwood, whatever), robotics, Jane Austen, Kurosawa movies... it doesn't matter. Hell, one could even be a major sports geek (my BIL is practically a MLB savant and loves the history, statistics, games, etc.)

So I think when it comes to finding someone, you need to look at who you think will get you and your "odd and strange passions."   I don't share the same passion about robotics and 3D printing that my husband does and he doesn't know the first thing about how excited I am about fiber arts and fabric (like unnaturally excited), but we get that those are our "things." We love each other for them and support each others geekyness.

FTR, I had no idea where your LOTR quote came from until I looked it up. Now had you quoted The Princess Bride or Labyrinth, I'd have been all over that. lol!