I need a male perspective **paging JM**

[theycallmeliz]

And for anyone else who wants to chime in... the "who initiates sex more" thread got me really curious about this...

My BF is OCD- like to no level I have ever experienced before. Its not just the "gotta check the front door just one more time to make sure it's locked" type of thing, but to where the everyday stresses I/he/we have in life is constantly on his mind.

That being said, he told me something along the lines of "its not that I don't want sex more, its that I'm just not really thinking about it. There are other things on my mind that seem to take over and I really just dont think about it that often."

Is that even possible for a guy? I know as women, we sometimes get worked up on the everyday things in our life, so I can understand where he is coming from. I just didn't think men were such deep thinkers and let the "daily stuff" get to them like that. Could it be his OCD?

Any thoughts?

[achase]

maybe you should encourage him to see a counselor if you really suspect ocd. or maybe he is just not that into you anymore

[bullygirl979]

Sounds like anxiety might be worse than you think. Or like Achase said, he is blowing you off.

Has he ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist?

[jm5855]

The counselor suggestion is a good idea. Or he thinks your sex life has gotten statle. Or he really is stressing out that much and he is telling you the truth.

Everyone has stress and reacts to it differently. When I was married I was overweight, had four kids, a demanding job, and still made time to have sex with my exwife at least 3 times a week. As time went on we learned we were having a lot more sex than our married friends. We always had a healthy sex life but our immense stress I think also caused this. She was heavily stressed from staying at home and taking care of our 4 children. I was heavily stressed from being the only source of income and trying to make ends meet for a big family. Since we had good sex, it was a stress reliever for both of us.

[theycallmeliz]

May 14, 2012 13:23:23 GMT -5 achase said:

maybe you should encourage him to see a counselor if you really suspect ocd. or maybe he is just not that into you anymore

We both definitely think his anxiety is interferring with him having a more productive life (and I think it may even be causing some health issues for him). Yes we are talking about therapy and just recently started seeing a therapist for our family / personal issues.

[achase]

It couldnt hurt to change things up in the bedroom a bit. Is there any variety because they say that's the spice of life?

How long have you been together?

[theycallmeliz]

May 14, 2012 13:57:43 GMT -5 achase said:

It couldnt hurt to change things up in the bedroom a bit. Is there any variety because they say that's the spice of life?

How long have you been together?

There has been plenty in the way of change in the bedroom (amongst other rooms) , which is why I have been so surprised that he wasn't more actively interested. Even things like a quick overnight stay at a hotel out of town, dressing up, talking, all sorts of stuff. Very spicey indeed.

[bullygirl979]

Is he on any anxiety meds?

ETA: I ask because it sounds more like Generalized Anxiety Disorder more than OCD.

[theycallmeliz]

May 14, 2012 14:44:43 GMT -5 calle28 said:

has he been diagnosed ocd? this is one of my biggest pet peeves, people throwing around terms like this bugs me to no end.

No, he has not been diagnosed - nor has he officially seen anyone about his anxiety/stress. But I bought a book on Coping with OCD to learn more about it and the symptoms seemed to line up almost identically with him. I am certainy no professional, but it was the easiest way for me to describe the situation.

We are starting therapy now to hopefully uncover some of these issues and address them (professionally).

[bullygirl979]

May 14, 2012 15:19:33 GMT -5 theycallmeliz said:

May 14, 2012 14:44:43 GMT -5 calle28 said:

has he been diagnosed ocd? this is one of my biggest pet peeves, people throwing around terms like this bugs me to no end.

No, he has not been diagnosed - nor has he officially seen anyone about his anxiety/stress. But I bought a book on Coping with OCD to learn more about it and the symptoms seemed to line up almost identically with him. I am certainy no professional, but it was the easiest way for me to describe the situation.

We are starting therapy now to hopefully uncover some of these issues and address them (professionally).

I think therapy is a good start but I would highly recommend that he be evaluated by a psychiatrist to see if medications would be helpful as well.

[farfalla2011]

May 14, 2012 15:19:33 GMT -5 theycallmeliz said:

May 14, 2012 14:44:43 GMT -5 calle28 said:

has he been diagnosed ocd? this is one of my biggest pet peeves, people throwing around terms like this bugs me to no end.

No, he has not been diagnosed - nor has he officially seen anyone about his anxiety/stress. But I bought a book on Coping with OCD to learn more about it and the symptoms seemed to line up almost identically with him. I am certainy no professional, but it was the easiest way for me to describe the situation.

We are starting therapy now to hopefully uncover some of these issues and address them (professionally).

I think its great that you guys are seeking out help. However, I have to mention that I keep noticing you saying "we" are getting help. While I think if you are both in this together, you should both be involved, I think it is just as important, if not more so, for him to go to counseling/therapy on his own. I'm sure you are just trying to be supportive, but he really will likely need some of this help to be one on one.

[enormasass]

Several years ago I dated a guy with OCD and our sex life was pretty....meh. There is general anxiety, but with his OCD, the thoughts were fast paced and were filled with action/inaction and consequences (if I don't flip that light switch exactly 8 times, someone that I love will die. Did I flip it 8 times? Or just 7? Maybe 9? No, wait. I have to do it again, just to make sure.) When I asked him about it, he said something very similar to your BF--That it's not that he isn't interested in sex, it's just that he had other thoughts going through his mind and the effort and concentration that it took just to get the obessive thoughts under control, took him away from the sex entirely. Even when he was in the mood, there would be times when I could see him check out. For a long time I really just couldn't believe that it had nothing to do with me. I really thought that he had lost interest or just wasn't attracted to me. And if we ever tried to change it up (new locations, different positions, etc), those would trigger other feelings to contend with (he would become preoccupied with thoughts of the hotel room being clean enough, etc).

So I think that guys are guys, but OCD way beyond "deep thinking" and "daily stuff" and more along the lines of true obsession to the point where seeing boobs can get you excited until you suddenly can't stop thinking about whether or not your car doors are locked and what if you start having sex and someone breaks into your car when the doors are unlocked and what if you go out there in five minutes and everything has been taken out and now you can't wait five minutes, you have to go out there NOWNOWNOW to check and make sure they are locked.

It's definitely something that he needs to talk to someone about and find out which it is that he (and even you) is dealing with. Hopefully things get better soon!

[theycallmeliz]

May 14, 2012 15:36:05 GMT -5 farfalla2011 said:

May 14, 2012 15:19:33 GMT -5 theycallmeliz said:

No, he has not been diagnosed - nor has he officially seen anyone about his anxiety/stress. But I bought a book on Coping with OCD to learn more about it and the symptoms seemed to line up almost identically with him. I am certainy no professional, but it was the easiest way for me to describe the situation.

We are starting therapy now to hopefully uncover some of these issues and address them (professionally).

I think its great that you guys are seeking out help. However, I have to mention that I keep noticing you saying "we" are getting help. While I think if you are both in this together, you should both be involved, I think it is just as important, if not more so, for him to go to counseling/therapy on his own. I'm sure you are just trying to be supportive, but he really will likely need some of this help to be one on one.

Very true and I would be very open to that. I think he just felt more comfortable with us both going, but I agree that there will be a point where he will probably need 1-on-1 time.

[theycallmeliz]

May 14, 2012 15:56:40 GMT -5 enormasass said:

Several years ago I dated a guy with OCD and our sex life was pretty....meh. There is general anxiety, but with his OCD, the thoughts were fast paced and were filled with action/inaction and consequences (if I don't flip that light switch exactly 8 times, someone that I love will die. Did I flip it 8 times? Or just 7? Maybe 9? No, wait. I have to do it again, just to make sure.) When I asked him about it, he said something very similar to your BF--That it's not that he isn't interested in sex, it's just that he had other thoughts going through his mind and the effort and concentration that it took just to get the obessive thoughts under control, took him away from the sex entirely. Even when he was in the mood, there would be times when I could see him check out. For a long time I really just couldn't believe that it had nothing to do with me. I really thought that he had lost interest or just wasn't attracted to me. And if we ever tried to change it up (new locations, different positions, etc), those would trigger other feelings to contend with (he would become preoccupied with thoughts of the hotel room being clean enough, etc).

So I think that guys are guys, but OCD way beyond "deep thinking" and "daily stuff" and more along the lines of true obsession to the point where seeing boobs can get you excited until you suddenly can't stop thinking about whether or not your car doors are locked and what if you start having sex and someone breaks into your car when the doors are unlocked and what if you go out there in five minutes and everything has been taken out and now you can't wait five minutes, you have to go out there NOWNOWNOW to check and make sure they are locked.

It's definitely something that he needs to talk to someone about and find out which it is that he (and even you) is dealing with. Hopefully things get better soon!

Thank you so much for posting this. It really does help to realize that it may not be me (or at least not JUST me). Im hopeful that therapy will help him and in turn help me help him. There is something tremendously reassuring to know "see? Im not the only one!"