Drama with MIL (and DH a bit) over not having kids

[mdgirl]

Hi ladies! I usually stick to the Travel board but my husband and I are childfree and my MIL seems rather unaccpeting of this, so I was hoping someone else might have some advice or at least sympathy about this over here.

To give you some quick background, we're 36 and we just had our 9 year anniversary. We've always known we don't want kids and I've been open with my family about that (my siblings don't have/want kids either), but my husband refuses to tell his parents that we don't want children. He's Desi and while he was born in the US and his parents have lived here longer than they did in India, they're still a bit traditional. He claims it's just not acceptable to not want kids in their culture. He's put them off for a long time with excuses (we've moved around a lot for his job training), but we've been settled for a few years now, own a house, and there's no excuse left. As near as I can tell his strategy is just that eventually they'll figure it out and give up.

We live on the opposite side of the country from his parents, but when we do see them my MIL always brings up kids. She has 2 awesome grandchildren, and they're even a boy and a girl, so it's not a "legacy" issue. Whenever she asks me about it, I just tell her to talk to her son about it. When she asks him he just tells her to leave it alone. (For extra drama background, I think this is rich coming from a woman who as near as I can tell did not enjoy her children until they were old enough to take care of themselves, and very well could have been childfree herself in a different time and place.)

I realize a huge part of this is that my husband is too chicken to stand up to his mom, but at this point I'm not even sure telling her would change anything. Or I don't know, maybe it would? Did anyone else deal with family members who were really resistant to their decision? Did it get better, or are they still annoying about it?

How's that for my first post on this particular board!

[alabasterangel]

My best advice is to just be honest. If they try to be difficult just tell them your uterus isn't open for discussion.

[louietunes]

You have come to the right place! There's a lot of that going around here.

I'm an (unless by accident) never-ever, but my Mom has known this since I was 16, and my MIL doesn't seem to mind to much since she already has 11 grandkids all her own.

My grandma, however, won't let it go when I see her. She says she needs great-grandkids and throws in how soon she'll probably die. Thanks, Grandma. It nice to see that you've perfected your guilt tripping skills.

[sapphire bou]

May 14, 2012 13:44:18 GMT -5 @stellarsailor said:

GL, and stick around. These ladies give good head advice.

;D

We've just dropped sarcastic hints here and there. I haven't spoken to my parents about it, but I'm pretty sure they'll be supportive of whatever decision I make. M's mother on the otherhand...she is still telling us that we'll change our minds. And we very well might. But nobody else will influence that decision.

[OrangePixyStix]

Seems like she likes the idea of having grandchildren from you but they live so far away that it wouldn't be like she would spend much time with them even if you did have kids.

I would just keep telling the Husband that she needs to hear it from him that you have made up your minds on not having any the next time she tries to push the issue. I know he doesn't want to face the possible disappointment and/or lecture that MIL may have on the issue, but SHE is not the one raising the child so it's really not for her to judge or direct anyone else's life in that direction.

It's such a personal decision that shouldn't need to be explained, yet those of us who choose to be child-free seem to be on the defensive side of things. I wish things would change but unfortunately everyone seems to think they should have an opinion on the contents of your uterus.

[ILikeSloths]

I've seen you on Travel.

Welcome to the board! You've definitely come to the right place. I know there's a lot of people here who can relate to the pressure.

My H and I are undecided if we want kids and haven't had many questions yet since we're in our mid 20s, but I know as time goes on people will start to get nosy and rude. My MIL is very religious and overbearing at times, so I fully expect her to feel and act similarly to your MIL. When this time comes my H and I just plan to be honest and tell it to her straight, including that she and no one else can influence our decision and that's just the way it is. That's the best way to deal with my MIL though. I'm not sure if it would work for other people's.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do or how you go about it, good luck! Hopefully she'll get the point and let it go. I guess it's a good thing you live across the country from her! lol

[darkling_glory]

Welcome!

We're 95% certain we're never having kids. (I'm getting an IUD in a month if that gives you any indication).

My mom kind of sort of gets it, but still talks about it. And his mom just thinks we'll come around.

It can definitely be frustrating, but we all empathize. Just be honest with your family and tell your husband he needs to sack up.

[Deleted]

Welcome Definitely be honest and if it gets to be too much, just gently say "this is not up for discussion" and change the subject. They will get the hint after a while.

[mdgirl]

[quote
If they try to be difficult just tell them your uterus isn't open for discussion.

SHE is not the one raising the child so it's really not for her to judge or direct anyone else's life in that direction. [/quote]

Yes!!! How is it so hard for people to understand this?

I guess it's a good thing you live across the country from her! lol

It's no coincidence! We've vowed to keep a 1 state buffer between us and our families at all times and it's worked well.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2012 14:26:38 GMT -5 mdgirl said:

I guess it's a good thing you live across the country from her! lol

It's no coincidence! We've vowed to keep a 1 state buffer between us and our families at all times and it's worked well.

Amen to that! I am all for having a buffer!