Those that have dealt with addiction...

[5kg8rgirl]

Hi everyone, I am a new poster to starting over. My divorce journey is just beginning. My backstory is that I dated my STBXH for 4 years and everything was roses. He was my best friend and the sweetest guy you would ever meet. He got into a car accident while we were engaged and afterward began experiencing anxiety. To make a long story short, he began getting involved in prescription meds to "cope" with his anxiety and became an addict. His personality slowly started to change, but I thought it was just the stress of newly married life, school, etc. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong until he got arrested while I was pregnant. Fast forward to almost 2 years later, things got worse and worse. Another arrest and 3 car wrecks later, he vowed to get better. He did for a very short time, but recently relapsed and I decided to move on and asked him to leave and our divorce is in process. I am relieved that it is coming to an end and all around am already doing better. The person I am divorcing is not the person I dated, so I won't miss that person at all. However, it is hard for me to let go of the person I dated and thought I would spend my life with. How did you reconcile it all, are there any good books you read on this topic or other suggestions your have? Thanks

[achase123]

So sorry to hear this. I have a very similar story. XH started using meth when I was pg and we split about a month before DS was born. Addiction is very confusing to those who are affected by it.

I definitely recommend counseling-it helped so much. I read some books about manipulation and splitting from someone who was toxic

"He's Just No Good for You: Your Guide for Getting Out of a Destructive Relationship

"The Manipulative Man"

"Who's Pulling YOUR Strings? Breaking the Cycle of Manipulation"

Feel free to message me as well. I have a blog that goes into a lot of details about what happened and how I coped. Also, I would recommend supervised visits for your child.

[ravenb1111]

I went through this too. My ex was clean when I met him.. Starting using again.. Got clean again for like 3 years and we moved in and he started using right after.. I told myself then never again.. Ours is slightly different because we didn't have children, but know that you made the right decision for you and your child. You don't want your child growing up in that environment everyday. At least you can limit what they are exposed to. If he's clean great! He can be a good father but if he's not at least you can pull your child back into a safe environment as opposed to living there with no other choice. You will be ok and heal I promise.

[theycallmeliz]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I dont unfortunately have any advice but want to say we're here for you. {{hugs}}

[leahmel]

I have dealt with addiction, and was married to an addict. I can not suggest al-anon enough. That in conjunction with therapy and Melody Beatty's book "codependant no more" helped me tremendously. I have to get back to work, but if you want more in depth advise or help, please private message me!! Just remember that you will get through this and be so much stronger for it.

[bkhokie27]

My XH is an alcoholic and drug addict. I recommend the Codependent No More book and I also recommend you check out some Al Anon meetings. You'll hear your story in these meetings and get some coping techniques for all the emotions you're experiencing.

[5kg8rgirl]

(Warning: Long) Thank you all so much for the suggestions and kind words. I will definitely look into the support system you've suggested. It is so nice to have people to "talk" to about this. I've been keeping the secret to myself for almost 2 or 2.5 years or so. My dad grew up the son of an alcoholic and has extreme intolerance for addiction, so I never wanted to include my parents, because I always figured STBXH would get better and "choose" us over the Xanax. I've really distanced us from everyone, which probably only helped with enabling in retrospect. Its been a long, lonely road. I've been in survival mode, trying to raise my son with 0 help (literally I have only had 2 nights out for a few hours since he was born 19 months ago, outside of working full time when he goes to daycare.) I have slowly told my friends and family when he moved out 2 weeks ago and they are shocked, because they think he is the best guy ever, they just thought we were busy with work/his school and the baby. We met working with kids with special needs and he was amazing with them. I told my mom after our first date I was going to marry him and did. He was my best friend. It was so long ago, but it is so sad to see someone that was once so honest, vibrant, and had such a beautiful spirit become a shell of himself and barely able to get out of bed for up to a week at a time, even when I've told him how much we need him.

Achase, you are right he became so manipulative and there even came a point when I realized I didn't realize if anything he said anymore was the truth or a lie. (He used to be one of those people that was borderline too blunt also). Custody/ time sharing is a whole issue I don't even want to think about. As of now, he is agreeing to short, frequent visits with me supervising. The complex part of the equation is that we live in Florida which is VERY father friendly. His drug of choice is Xanax which he now has a prescription for. His prescription is for 3mg a day, which is ridiculous as he weighs 165 and is 5'8". He has a propensity for taking like 1 for a few days and then binging a few days later. He is court ordered to take drug tests as part of his first arrest and he has passed them b/c he doesn't take street drugs. My attorney has told me that if he challenges me for increased time sharing he is likely to win. WTF? Florida totally sucks ass.

[Bernadine]

I have a copy of Codependent No More that I'd be willing to send, if you feel comfortable PMing me your address. Totally understand if you don't.

I can't recommend therapy enough. And if you don't like the first counselor, try another and another until you find one you feel comfortable with. It will be hard, but you won't regret making this decision.