A random whine re: online dating messages

[dreamcrisp1]

I barely get messages too and I wonder about those people who say that.

And you ARE hot.

[Deleted]

OMG MP stop worrying about this! Kidding! It totally happens to me too I hardly get any messages. And maaaybe one non-spam message twice a month or so.

[gault]

I think their "many" messages are VERY subjective.

[Deleted]

Jan 24, 2014 17:36:47 GMT -5 mp said:

Jan 24, 2014 17:35:53 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

OMG MP stop worrying about this! Kidding! It totally happens to me too I hardly get any messages. And maaaybe one non-spam message twice a month or so.

haha I was so rolling my eyes for a half second like OMG! Seriously I am NOT WORRIED.

Ha! Also I think for me it's because I'm really honest in the questions. I'm an average build, I don't work out 4-5 times a week (well I didn't used to), I don't have a strong interest in outdoor activities like hiking, bike rides, etc., I'm divorced, I'm above 30 and I'm an athesiest. So I think when men put in their desired search criteria I don't really pop up much you know? In oregon the outdoor activities are a HUGE thing so my life not being centered on that I think cuts me out. 

[Deleted]

I got more messages when I was online. If I took days off I hardly got any. If you aren't actively using the site that may be the reason.

I think some people exaggerate too.

[starburst604]

Jan 24, 2014 17:39:55 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Jan 24, 2014 17:36:47 GMT -5 mp said:

haha I was so rolling my eyes for a half second like OMG! Seriously I am NOT WORRIED.

Ha! Also I think for me it's because I'm really honest in the questions. I'm an average build, I don't work out 4-5 times a week (well I didn't used to), I don't have a strong interest in outdoor activities like hiking, bike rides, etc., I'm divorced, I'm above 30 and I'm an athesiest. So I think when men put in their desired search criteria I don't really pop up much you know? In oregon the outdoor activities are a HUGE thing so my life not being centered on that I think cuts me out. 

My friend who grew up in Portland moved to Boston largely for this reason, she was so not outdoorsy and didn't want to go on a hike for a first date! She just wanted to live somewhere where drinks were a date!

[les]

Jan 24, 2014 17:58:23 GMT -5 mp said:

Jan 24, 2014 17:56:16 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I got more messages when I was online. If I took days off I hardly got any. If you aren't actively using the site that may be the reason.

I think some people exaggerate too.

I login usually once a day so my status will show active in the last 24 hours, generally.

But I am not active in uploading photos and updating my profile, so I don't know. Even when I was, still the lower messages!

I've seen a lot of people "test" and do analysis, being a math/data person I am tempted to delete my profile, and do two separate ones with distinct characteristics.

Your last sentence reminds me of this TED talk: www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating.html



Anyway, I usually received several messages per day when I was on OKCupid, but the majority were low quality and consisted of little more than "hey" or a broad, unappealing attempt at flattery. I watched that talk after I had already been online dating for a while, but my profile was actually quite close to her successful one. 

[Deleted]

Jan 24, 2014 18:09:28 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Jan 24, 2014 17:39:55 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Ha! Also I think for me it's because I'm really honest in the questions. I'm an average build, I don't work out 4-5 times a week (well I didn't used to), I don't have a strong interest in outdoor activities like hiking, bike rides, etc., I'm divorced, I'm above 30 and I'm an athesiest. So I think when men put in their desired search criteria I don't really pop up much you know? In oregon the outdoor activities are a HUGE thing so my life not being centered on that I think cuts me out. 

My friend who grew up in Portland moved to Boston largely for this reason, she was so not outdoorsy and didn't want to go on a hike for a first date! She just wanted to live somewhere where drinks were a date!

YES I totally agree with this. Fortunately no one has really asked me to do anything outdoorsy I think my profile was pretty obvious I wasn't that into it. HA! Yes I definitely live the wrong city, but I love it and my friends and family too much to move. Did your friend find she has had significant more success in Boston?

[alleinesein]

Jan 24, 2014 17:32:56 GMT -5 mp said:

Note this is not a serious concern, nor am I actively pursuing dating. Just kind of letting my profiles stay up and browsing messages.

But women that say "OMG I got so many messages I had to pause my account!" make me feel like 1- they're exaggerating or 2- WTF is wrong with me? or 3- I justify it thinking that their profiles must say "Not looking for anything serious."

I get like mayyyyybe two messages a day. Maybe. It's always been like that. No matter what site I am on, smaller town or now in LA.

Obviously I *know* nothing is *wrong* with me, and I don't put those women down. But it really makes my question the logic and algorithms and how it all works. Because I never ever have gotten a lot of messages, and I know I am cute (not smokin', but I am cute), and I know my profile is decent and not crazy having been reviewed by a neutral panel of people.

Anyyyyway. That's me. The girl that gets barely any messages.

(Seriously, I am not worried. I am happy where I'm at and this is just an observation.)

You get more than me! 

I get 1 or 2 a month and most of them are guys just hoping that the 'fat chick' will put out for them.  When I initiate contact I might get 1 response for every 40 messages that I send out and of those responses maybe 1% will actually be someone who wants to find out more about me; the rest of them are rude and nasty. 

I am honestly boggled at what guys are looking for online.  And hearing people complain that they get 'so many messages' that they have to deactivate sometimes makes me stabby. 

[locarb]

I received several messages a day when I was new to online dating and part of the spotlight. It fizzled out after a cpl months. Many we're not 'quality'

[formerlyak]

You get more than I used to get and we are in the same general area - but I am definitely in a different age demographic and have a child, so I know that limited responses. That said, I still got a good number of "Hey cutie" stupid kind of messages. I have a feeling girls who brag about how many messages they get that it is just so overwhelming are likely counting the messages we all make fun of because they are just so lame.

I also found the guys I was most interested in were fairly shy and even though they were on dating sites, they were not the types to send out a bunch of messages - dh included. So many of the guys I ended up having good conversations with and dates with were people with whom I had initiated the conversation.

[hazel]

I'm so glad you asked this because I've been wondering the same thing! It's sort of frustrating because I refuse to give too much information or post too many pictures of myself. I also think a lot of guys are full of shit in what they state their looking for...

OKC has been the best site for me receiving profile views and messages. Although, overall the men there don't seem to be quality men. Match has been pointless for me in my area. I'm fairly certain the men there are all looking for the same woman...I think a lot of men aren't actually looking for a relationship, even if their profile states so.

I've formed lots of opinions about online dating the last few months. Sometimes I want to create a fake profile of what I think men are looking for and see what type of responses I get. Some of the men forget that it's really easy for a woman to go out and flirt with a man if she's so inclined, so most of us aren't sitting around online to do so.

[jojoandleo]

I get like 500 messages a day on my dating profile. And by messages I mean dirty thoughts and by dating profile, I mean my mind.

Also-you are smokin', darling! I would do you AND call you the next day.

[starburst604]

Jan 24, 2014 18:25:18 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Jan 24, 2014 18:09:28 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

My friend who grew up in Portland moved to Boston largely for this reason, she was so not outdoorsy and didn't want to go on a hike for a first date! She just wanted to live somewhere where drinks were a date!

YES I totally agree with this. Fortunately no one has really asked me to do anything outdoorsy I think my profile was pretty obvious I wasn't that into it. HA! Yes I definitely live the wrong city, but I love it and my friends and family too much to move. Did your friend find she has had significant more success in Boston?

Welllllll she moved here, lived here for 10 years, then moved to L.A. about 4 years ago. She did enjoy dating more when she lived here than Portland though, although she claimed the guys were shorter and less friendly, lol. She definitely hates dating in L.A.!

[jojoandleo]

Jan 24, 2014 21:22:51 GMT -5 mp said:

Jan 24, 2014 21:21:02 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I get like 500 messages a day on my dating profile. And by messages I mean dirty thoughts and by dating profile, I mean my mind.

Also-you are smokin', darling! I would do you AND call you the next day.

You lie! You TOTALLY had the chance to feel me up and you didn't take it!

I was just waiting for the signal!!!!!  

[aaxoxo75]

I think it depends on the site and city maybe? I am sure it has nothing to do with you since you are very pretty girl.

Ive been in Pof for ever, I mean for ever like over 5yrs lol, and I got tons of messages, 99.9% from losers. I did tried Match yrs back and the messages were way less than in pof. Since PoF is a nonpaying site any loser can send you a random message anytime for free so I guess that is why I got tons of them. I am extremely picky when it comes to dating, ive only met 2 people from pof in all these years, both were nice decent guys, one of them is even one of my best friends now. I dont even know why I still have my profile up, I go in there now and then maybe once a month therefore I am getting less messages now. I really doubt Ill find something good in Pof. I would like to try eharmony when I get back in the mood for dating.

[fairydust]

I don't get many messages either. I'll get a wink here and there (I'm on match) and likes on my photos which, for some reason, annoys me. And almost 100% of the time, guys NEVER respond to emails I send. Oh well. I have my dog.