The first name is totally off limits for you in my opinion. I would never do that to my sister and can't imagine her ever doing it to me. She has two boys and I know what their girl name was and that name is off the table for me even though who knows if they'll have a 3rd kid or not. Before she named her kids she checked with me if there were any names I absolutely did not want her to use. And I know she would have honored if I had any boys names in that category back then.
The middle name is possibly fair game since it's a family name and wouldn't be so awkward for both of you to use.
I feel like type of person who makes sure you know she has called a name long before she has any use of the name is the type who will lose her shit if you use it.
It sucks but I'd avoid the drama and choose something else.
I am amending my previous response to add that, while I personally don't buy into the whole buying a name thing, I would certainly not ruin a relationship with a sibling over a name. If I were the OP I would talk to my sister, explain that we really like the name, and find out if she is still attached to it and planning to use it. If it's a big deal to her, drop it to keep the peace.
Post by SallySparrow on Feb 1, 2014 10:04:07 GMT -5
I have no sisters, so maybe that colors my view.
But I would talk to her about it. Maybe she'll realize how silly she's being to "call" a name when she may never use it. I wouldn't tell her it was silly, just discuss it and hope that she comes to that realization. And I would probably be annoyed if she didn't.
Otherwise I would just use the middle name.
I'm also really "whatever" about names. There's only one boy name DH and I agree one and really love. I've suggested it to a lot of people as a name. I don't care. Our kids would just have the same names. Again, no sisters, so I at least don't have to worry about them being cousins with the same name, which is different than your situation.
This is the only boys name that DH hasn't insisted in using his gfathers name, which is an old German that was also Hitlers fathers name. I hate the name but respect the family tradition aspect too. Also, for the record DH wasn't happy when I told him I was considering just dropping it. I think I just need to talk to my sis. Prob is I know she won't be entirely honest and it is sometimes hard to read her over the phone. This could be a girl so the whole thing could be moot. At this point maybe that's the better option...pray for another girl. Lol.
I also should add I really have no clue whether she's dead set on using this name or whether it is just a name she likes. I'm def not going to ruin the relationship over a name and if she says she really does want to use it it will be off the table.
If I were the OP I would talk to my sister, explain that we really like the name, and find out if she is still attached to it and planning to use it. If it's a big deal to her, drop it to keep the peace.
When OP's DH mentioned the name to her sister, she reminded them repeatedly that it was "her" name. I would say that's a pretty clear reply. IMO asking her again would be crossing over into pushy territory.
This is the only boys name that DH hasn't insisted in using his gfathers name, which is an old German that was also Hitlers fathers name. I hate the name but respect the family tradition aspect too. Also, for the record DH wasn't happy when I told him I was considering just dropping it. I think I just need to talk to my sis. Prob is I know she won't be entirely honest and it is sometimes hard to read her over the phone.
I had to look up Hitler's father's name, and yeah, that's a bad name. I find it hard to believe that the only two possibilities are that name and Henry. What about Andrew? Andy and Henry are somewhat similar. Avery? Charles (Charlie)? Jeffrey? Benjamin (Benny)? Harrison (Harry)?
Even though your DH wasn't happy about it, I would stand firm about dropping it. If it's been this important to your sister for so long, *and* she might not let on if she's very upset, IMO it's best to move on.
I had to look up Hitler's father's name, and yeah, that's a bad name. I find it hard to believe that the only two possibilities are that name and Henry.
Yeah, this. Those are the ONLY TWO NAMES your DH will consider?
I will say this, though - if your DH stood firm on this, I'd end up siding with him and tell my sister as much. Because that is the other aspect of this - she has to take her DHs feelings into account too. This is their child and he absolutely gets a say in the name. And if it was a choice between upsetting my sister or upsetting my DH AND naming my kid after Hitler's father.... I'd go w/ upsetting my sister.
There are other names. We had Charles (Charlie) picked out for DD2. DH still likes that one but it doesn't really feel right to me anymore. And for the record, any other name we've even discussed DH has made it clear his gfathers name would be the middle name. So not horrendous...he has said repeatedly he wants to use his gfathers name as a first but I absolutely refuse. His second choice is Leo Alois (my gpa and his gpa) but I can't see saddling a little kid with a name like that. He also wants to use Edna as a middle name for a girl (my gma) but I can't concede to that either. We have horrible family names. Edna Clyde Bertha Friend ... The list goes on and on.
Post by imojoebunny on Feb 1, 2014 13:34:00 GMT -5
I have two sets of cousins with the same name, different middle. They are close in age too. I don't see what the big deal is, it's a family name. Come to think of it, my SIL named her kid the first name I always wanted for my DD, but it worked out fine when I had a DD 4 years later because my DH didn't like it, so we just use another name, then the middle I loved all along. It would not have stopped me from using it though. I am also assuming your sister has a different last name, and doesn't live around the corner, so even if you used the exact same name, it wouldn't be the same name.
My brother and SIL named their daughter the name I had said I wanted to use since I was probably 7 years old. They didn't know I was pregnant when they did it (I was too early to say anything). They knew I wanted to use it and even told everybody they knew. It was a family name, but specific to just my brothers and me. They were very matter of fact about it, saying that they whoever had kids first got the name (they started have kids when I was 20, so LOL to that). They said that I might not even ever have a daughter. Which is true, I didn't, but they didn't know it at the time.
They said didn't mind if I still used it. I was so upset. Honestly, it sounds overdramatic, but my relationship with my brother really suffered for this. To blatantly disregard my feelings on something so longstanding when he never mentioned it EVER really pissed me off. They "took" my younger brother's baby name, as well, while his wife was pregnant with a child they were naming that name and had publicly announced. It sounds so weird, but they really hurt us both.
If she still wants to use it, I'd let it go. There are million of names. Let her have the one she has always wanted and you just started wanting.
Holy crap. Your brother is a dick and your SIL is an ass for going along with it TWICE.
Post by MadamePresident on Feb 1, 2014 14:35:31 GMT -5
My husband and I had a favorite boys name - Barrett. We discussed names in my group of friends a lot that year, because many of us were pregnant at the time. One of our friends - K asked me what names we like and I listed our favorite girl names (three) and favorite boy name (one). Friend B was there in the conversation. Friend B ended up having a boy a few months before me and used Barrett. We didn't find out the gender until birth, but I was a kind of mad at her for using our favorite boy name.
I did get over it and now I don't really like the name anymore.
I kind of like Leo Alois though lol. I think "rough" family names are okay for MNs. H's grandma was Doris and I've okayed it for a family name.
This is where I'm at tonight. Mostly because I'm too chicken to see where my sister actually is with the name. But I must say, Leo Alois is starting to grow on me.