I need name help too..."calling" a name

[lurknomore]

I'm due with #3 in early April and am team green this time.  Have two DDs already.  In thinking through boy's names, we've decided that we no longer really like the name we had picked out for DD2.  Before Christmas, DH threw out a boy's name:  HL (L is a family name).  He had no way of knowing but my little sister "called" HL for her future son YEARS ago and has never given up on saying she was using it.  It was a total coincidence DH picked this name and its now grown on both of us.

The background on little sis.  She's 31.  Hasn't been in a serious relationship in at least 8 years.  No baby in sight.  And has totally forgotten that hopefully she'll have a partner who will want some say in any name.  A huge part of me says FUCK IT...you can't call names.  But on the other hand, she's my sister and prob the family member I'm closest to.  She comes to visit more often than anyone else in my family.  DH suggested the possibility to her that we were thinking about HL when we were home at Christmas.  She didn't flip her shit, but she reminded us again and again it was "her name." 

WWYD?  Is it even worth talking to her about or should we just move on and keep going over (and over and over and over) other names. 

Edited for clarity.

[ilikedonuts]

The full name is a name she claimed? Or just first or middle?

[Deleted]

For anyone else I'm very "too bad, so sad" in the name department. After all, no one owns a name.
However, for my sister and esp. knowing she's loved this name forever I'd move on. I know names are hard but there's still a million and one others to be agreed upon.

I'm kind of in the same situation. My sister "called" a name years ago for meaningful reasons. I've always loved it too and got H on board. We decided to just move on. It's not worth the battle. We also thought that forever and ever if we used that name it'd be associated with my unhappy sister as a result and we didn't want that.

[lurknomore]

Jan 31, 2014 9:44:27 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

The full name is a name she claimed? Or just first or middle?

Both.  DH had no clue it is "her" name.

[flamingeaux]

I think people in your family would understand she's not copying you since, it is a family name. I could understand her point if you were wanting it for a first name or were going to refer to the baby as that name, but for two cousins to share a name like that shouldn't be a big deal.


ETA now that I see she called the whole name not just the family name, since you and your sister are very close, I would move on.
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[runner09]

I wouldn't use the name. Only because I have been in the situation where someone used "my" name. We did not use the name that I had always wanted to use because my best friend (who was well aware of this name) used it. She basically was like "fuck it." I know you can't call dibs on names and everyone has a choice, but it does suck when it happens.

Edit: It sucked for me b/c we had decided on this names YEARS ago and she just decided on a whim that she liked this name and wanted to use it. She told me she "didn't care" it was our name. It would have been very different if this was a name she had her heart set on. We have a good friend with who used DD's name b/c they had always loved it.

[djc315]

This kind of happened to me. My sister is 3 years younger than me and has had an on/off bf for almost 10 years now, and we're all wondering if they're ever going to settle down, get married & start a family. When I said I liked a name (also an H name), she said I couldn't use it, because she had "called" it years ago.

DH & I ultimately didn't choose to use it, but I was very annoyed that she said that. I can't wait to find out if she's really going to use it in the future.

I would probably keep it in the running; you may find a name later on that you end up liking more, or not having use for a boys name

[vanillacourage]

Let it go.  The fact that you don't like anymore what your DD2 would have been called, should tell you that there are lots of names to choose from.

[soozy87]

I wouldn't use the name.

[skib]

My daughter is named after my late grandmother. I wanted to use the name from the time I was about 16, and I made sure people in my family knew that. If my sister had gotten pregnant before me and decided to use "my" name, I would have been livid.

Names really have meaning for people, and if she really does have "no baby in sight," this would probably be a big slap in the face for her. Almost like taking away her dream of someday having the baby she wants to bestow that name on. I know that sounds dramatic, but I attached so much meaning to my daughter's name before she was even a glimmer on the horizon that I know I would have felt exactly that way.

[lolo]

I think using L is absolutely fair game, but both of the names she loves? Really?

[ECB]

Well, you can absolutely still use the middle name. As it is your sister, though... yeah, I might try to find a different first name.

She absolutely does NOT get to call both and take both off the table for you. No big deal for cousins to have the same middle name.

[ilikedonuts]

I would use the middle name if its a family name.

[Deleted]

Jan 31, 2014 10:00:05 GMT -5 skib said:

My daughter is named after my late grandmother. I wanted to use the name from the time I was about 16, and I made sure people in my family knew that. If my sister had gotten pregnant before me and decided to use "my" name, I would have been livid.

Names really have meaning for people, and if she really does have "no baby in sight," this would probably be a big slap in the face for her. Almost like taking away her dream of someday having the baby she wants to bestow that name on. I know that sounds dramatic, but I attached so much meaning to my daughter's name before she was even a glimmer on the horizon that I know I would have felt exactly that way.

But it wasn't "your" name. It's was your grandmother's name - which could be meaningful to other family members as well.

I think calling names is silly. There is no guarantee that person will ever even have a child or have a child of that sex. You don't get to call a name until your pregnant at the earliest and really not until you have a baby in your arms.

[Velar Fricative]

I'd be a bitch and take it if we truly couldn't agree on another name because:

1) She may not ever have a child.
2) She may not ever have a son.
3) She may change her mind on the name anyway like a zillion other people do when they actually have a child.

Calling names is dumb. You call a name when you actually have a child.

[calliejo]

I think you could use either name as a middle name so she could still use the name later on. It would be very big of you to pass on the name for your sister. It would be a really kind thing to do.

[undecidedowl]

I would probably only use the L middle name. It sounds like H was just a name your DH thought of on a whim, not something you guys have loved forever. Given that, I think you should be able to find another name.

[Deleted]

I would just ask her about it. Maybe she has moved on to a new favorite baby name.

[spk926]

First Come, First Serve

That's the mentality I use. You are having the baby first and if you like the name then use it.

I have always LOVED Andrew. Love, love, love it. Not Andy, not Drew; just Andrew. Still love it. My whole family knew that my first boy would be Andrew (I never "claimed" the name and said nobody else could use it though). Well guess who doesn't like that name? My husband. So if/when we have a boy we won't be using Andrew. She has no clue if her husband will even like her hypothetical name for her hypothetical child. You are pregnant and you and your DH like the name so use it.

[scribellesam]

Jan 31, 2014 9:48:47 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

While your sister doesn't "own" the name, i would let it go if it meant that much to my sister.

Yes, the closeness of the relationship would make me find another name just out of politeness.

[irunwithscissors]

I wouldn't use it. In my family, even if my sister was nowhere near being married/having a baby, using a name that she had called for years would create World War 3. It just wouldn't be worth the drama for me.

My youngest sister has always loved the name Spencer. It's been her boy name since she was 5. When she got married, her husband hated the name so she gave me 'permission' to use it for DS2. She's glad someone was able to use it, but it still makes her a little sad that she couldn't. I can't imagine how mad she would've been if I'd used it just because I had kids before she did.

Calling names is pretty dumb, but when it's a sibling who has loved it forever, I'd pick a different name.

[drloretta]

I would totally use it, for the reasons mentioned above. She can always switch the order or use a variation if the possibility even arises. As others have mentioned, she may end up with someone who hates that name (or combo), may never have kids, or may not have a boy. In addition, what if the name is too rhyme-y with her as-yet-not-H's last name, etc?

But I would tell her before I used it, just to let her know and not blindside her.

[jessnpaul]

This kind of happened to me. My SIL "called" a name that had been my girl's name since I was a kid! I was not happy, but I kept my feelings to myself! She did end up having a girl, but did not use the name. And I've changed my name since then too (although it could still be a contender if we do end up with a girl).

I think you should respect your sister's wishes.

[gibbinator]

I feel like given that she has no baby in sight, "stealing" her name is like putting the nail in the coffin of her hopes of having a son. Maybe that's overthinking it, but since it's a name that came up on a whim for your dh, I'd let it go and try to find something else.
To be clear, I think the middle name is still ok to use if it's after a family member, just not the combination.

[cherry1111]

I wouldn't use it as it is a name that has just grown on you whereas it is the name she had always loved. If it was a name you had also loved for years then I would say she can't "call" it.

I think you could definitely use the family name part but pick a different first name.

[ECB]

Jan 31, 2014 12:31:20 GMT -5 spunbutterfly said:

No name is worth potentially ruining a good existing relationship.

This is what it boils down to!  We can think it's stupid all we want, but clearly the people who do it are the ones we have to worry about.

[h]

I am in the "no calling names" camp, at least before there is an actual fetus. What if your sister never has kids or has all girls and this lovely family name you both adore never gets used because of some silly name calling thing? That just seems a shame to me. If she were pregnant with a boy but due after you, I would feel differently, but I wouldn't bypass a name because someone who might or might not have a male child might or might not want to use it some day.

[skib]

Jan 31, 2014 10:08:07 GMT -5 @libgrl said:

Jan 31, 2014 10:00:05 GMT -5 skib said:

My daughter is named after my late grandmother. I wanted to use the name from the time I was about 16, and I made sure people in my family knew that. If my sister had gotten pregnant before me and decided to use "my" name, I would have been livid.

Names really have meaning for people, and if she really does have "no baby in sight," this would probably be a big slap in the face for her. Almost like taking away her dream of someday having the baby she wants to bestow that name on. I know that sounds dramatic, but I attached so much meaning to my daughter's name before she was even a glimmer on the horizon that I know I would have felt exactly that way.

But it wasn't "your" name. It's was your grandmother's name - which could be meaningful to other family members as well.

I think calling names is silly. There is no guarantee that person will ever even have a child or have a child of that sex. You don't get to call a name until your pregnant at the earliest and really not until you have a baby in your arms.

Oh, you're absolutely right. I know it's not a rational way to think, but it's how I felt about the name. I was lucky that no one else loved my grandmother's name like I did, but I know any of my cousins with girls could have easily named their children my grandmother's name. I probably still would have used it for my daughter.

[dexteroni]

Jan 31, 2014 10:42:53 GMT -5 scribellesam said:

Jan 31, 2014 9:48:47 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

While your sister doesn't "own" the name, i would let it go if it meant that much to my sister.

Yes, the closeness of the relationship would make me find another name just out of politeness.

This. It might not be rational to "call" a name, but it would be shitty to intentionally take "her" name, especially when it doesn't even sounds like it's a name you both had your hearts set on.  I can't imagine doing that to my sister when there are literally millions of other names to choose from.

[dcn]

I wouldnt use it. My sisters and i ask for any names that are "off the table" when one of us is pg. there are a million names out there, and shed be reminded that you "stole" it forever. Not worth it to me.