I'm so down about BFing

[cricketwife]

I've spent much of the last week crying about BFing (I'm pretty sure it's not PPD, but specifically this issue that's upsetting me.)

BFing seemed to start off well in that DS seemed to be eating like a champ.  I, however, was completely torn up - blistered, bleeding, so I went to the LC the day after we were released from the hospital. She actually said that I looked so bad so couldn't believe that I hadn't already given up -- and he was only 4 days old!  She gave me a nipple shield and told me to feed from the so-so side, and then pump from both and feed him with that.  Well, that seemed to solve everything.  And I was pumping a crazy amount - like 2-3 oz per side/per session.  So I froze some and then we went back 3 days later and he had gained 3 ounces and all was well....I thought.

Then he started crying a lot and nursing all the time and it was so frustrating. Also, I was having a lot of pain in my left nipple. I went back to the LC again last week on Thursday and he had lost weight!  She said that he's not really swallowing and he's just hanging out on the breast and wasn't getting the milk that he needs.  Also, I had a clogged pore (on this board I think people say blocked duct) which she opened with a needle. So since then, I've been nursing him and then bottle feeding him pumped BM, but I'm not producing enough to keep up with what he needs. I'm averaging about 7oz/day of pumped milk. I guess because he's not really sucking and telling my body to make it.

And I've got another clogged pore on the same nipple.  I keep trying to open it and twice I thought I did - milk was coming through, but it's clogged again and it hurts like a b!tch.

Meanwhile today is the day that the frozen BM runs out and I will have to supplement with formula.  I am so heartbroken. (For those of you who've chosen to FF, that's fine, it's just not what I wanted to do.)  I really wanted to BF for at least 6 months.  I thought that was a fairly reasonable goal. And if we went past that, great.  I wasn't one of those who wanted to do this until 18 or 24 months.

I feel like my body has failed me and I'm failing him. It's sooooooooo hard when you hear/see/read all about how much better BM is and then you can't do it.

I don't think I've nursed him once since last week's appointment without crying - either from the pain of a clogged duct or from the disappointment.  It's so not healthy. There's just been so much pain in this whole process.

[blindyswife]

Oh cricket big hugs.

At less than 4 weeks pp, your hormones are still crazy so I don't blame you one bit for being such a mess over this. I don't have any BF specific advice, but don't beat yourself up over this. You are clearly trying your heart out.

[thejackpot]

Big hugs! I think there are a lot of bfing moms who have had bouts with things not working the way they envisioned. I have felt frustrated with it more than I care to count. I hope things get better for you. Just know that there are supportive ears here if you need us.

[greencrayon]

I know exactly how you feel. My body will only produce 4 oz a day and I have no idea what to do about it I breast feed or pump every 2-3 hours during the day. I ordered that herbal pill people were recommending from amazon. Hopefully that comes in tomorrow.

[Deleted]

Big hugs cricket. Other than colic, BFing was by far the hardest part of having a baby. I can completely relate to the intense and irrational primal urge to BF, which I was totally unprepared for. I 100% believe it's hormonal and biological in the same way that we hear our babies cry louder than anyone else does. All the hype around how great BFing is and the shaming of formula reminds me of how people feel about smoking. It's gotten ridiculous and I anticipate a backlash is coming.

That being said, it does get better and if it doesn't do not beat yourself up over it. I was in a similar place early on and we've lasted 5 months so of course it's better even though It's never been great. You're a good mom regardless of how you feed your baby.

[winecheery]

((hugs)) you are so not failing. You have crazy pp hormones going on right now that complicate things majorly, and BFing truly IS hard at first for many many people, even without clogged ducts, or supply issues or what have you.

I almost hate the "breast is best" campaign, because of the way it makes people who can't or choose not to breastfeed for whatever reason feel like they aren't as much of a loving or caring mother as those who can/do.

Feeding him, no matter what means, is what counts here. A happy, loved, and thriving baby is all you want!

[cilantro]

Feb 4, 2014 13:57:24 GMT -5 @envinoveritas said:

Big hugs cricket. Other than colic, BFing was by far the hardest part of having a baby. I can completely relate to the intense and irrational primal urge to BF, which I was totally unprepared for. I 100% believe it's hormonal and biological in the same way that we hear our babies cry louder than anyone else does. All the hype around how great BFing is and the shaming of formula reminds me of how people feel about smoking. It's gotten ridiculous and I anticipate a backlash is coming.

That being said, it does get better and if it doesn't do not beat yourself up over it. I was in a similar place early on and we've lasted 5 months so of course it's better even though It's never been great. You're a good mom regardless of how you feed your baby.

OMG, I feel like we need a whole new thread based on this statement.  No matter how chill and how prepared I felt about the challenges of breastfeeding, I never ever really accounted for this.

Crickets, I'm so sorry you are struggling.  Are you doing weighed feedings to be sure your output is so bad?  I will never ever BF a newborn without a scale at home again. 

[carolinagirl831]

It's crazy that something that is supposed to be so natural and the one thing us as mom's were made to do could be so hard! BF was by far the hardest part of having a baby and it's so hard when you feel your body is failing you.
GO back to the LC, find another LC if you don't think it's helping.
Just know that just because you have to give formula doesn't mean you can't BF. I had to supplement from the beginning due to supply issues, but I BF for 3 months until my supply got so bad. It is not all or nothing. Supplementing made possible the BF relationship we did have.
hang in there

[lurknomore]

Feb 4, 2014 14:14:14 GMT -5 carolinagirl831 said:

Just know that just because you have to give formula doesn't mean you can't BF. I had to supplement from the beginning due to supply issues, but I BF for 3 months until my supply got so bad. It is not all or nothing. Supplementing made possible the BF relationship we did have.
hang in there

This. It is hard. I didn't make enough milk for DD1. Same thing as you. Thought it was going great until the weigh in. We had to star supplementing right away while I tried everything to get supply up. Although it never happened (insert sad face here) once I accepted I was going to supplement, my supply did go up a bit from the reduced stress and I began to finally enjoy it. With DD2 I knew from the beginning aupplementing was prob going to be needed so I was able to enjoy it from the beginning.

Take care of yourself first and do what you need to do. Supplementing now doesn't mean you can't end up with ebf once your body and healed. Lots of us have been there.

[lurknomore]

Feb 4, 2014 14:25:06 GMT -5 lurknomore said:

Feb 4, 2014 14:14:14 GMT -5 carolinagirl831 said:

Just know that just because you have to give formula doesn't mean you can't BF. I had to supplement from the beginning due to supply issues, but I BF for 3 months until my supply got so bad. It is not all or nothing. Supplementing made possible the BF relationship we did have.
hang in there

This. It is hard. I didn't make enough milk for DD1. Same thing as you. Thought it was going great until the weigh in. We had to star supplementing right away while I tried everything to get supply up. Although it never happened (insert sad face here) once I accepted I was going to supplement, my supply did go up a bit from the reduced stress and I began to finally enjoy it. With DD2 I knew from the beginning aupplementing was prob going to be needed so I was able to enjoy it from the beginning.

Take care of yourself first and do what you need to do. Supplementing now doesn't mean you can't end up with ebf once your body and healed. Lots of us have been there.

Just wanted to add I bf with supplementing for 11
Months for both girls. Hard at times. Lots of times I wanted to give up. But amazing and wonderful too.

[browneyedgirl9]

I 100% understand where you are coming from. I have shed many tears over breastfeeding. It has been the hardest thing for me too. I have had to supplement with formula, which has had me in tears.

Your doing everything right, and doing the best you can do to feed your baby. Don't get down on yourself! Your not failing your baby.

[mdana]

*Hugs*

Breastfeeding is the hardest thing I've done, I think that's because someone else is depending on my success or inability. I completely understand the frustration, I went through a similar situation with my son. I ended up exclusively pumping for about 6-7 weeks. We had to supplement 8-10oz/day that entire time, and then one day I decided I was sick of pumping and I began to nurse him at feeding times, with the acceptance that I'd probably have to give him a bottle anyways. Over the next month or so, the amount of formula we needed to use continued to dip, and I've been nursing him exclusively for over a month now.

Formula is not bad. I completely credit formula for allowing me to continue our bfing relationship. If my (very pro-bf) pediatrician had not told me that I could use both formula and nurse him together, I probably would have given up altogether in the first few weeks (yes, I could have figured this out for myself, but I needed someone else to validate me). Whatever you choose to do with your baby is perfect- as long as you are providing nourishment in some way. I wish I could tell you it gets better (and it does!) but until it actually gets better, you won't know and it won't help- at least, that wouldn't have helped me. Continue to feed your baby, either with formula or BM, and do what you're comfortable with to increase your supply (or don't- that is perfectly fine too). I think once I stopped being so obsessed with my output and stressing about how much formula we were giving him, our bfing relationship became a lot more enjoyable and special.

Good luck!

[Stingyshark]

((hugs)) We are 6 weeks in and still struggling with pain. DD had jaundice right after she was d/c from the hospital; we supplemented with formula for a few days. I've been pumping since the very beginning, and I guess i'm very fortunate that I haven't created an over supply.

I've cried more tears over breastfeeding than I've probably cried in my entire life. I don't know what it is that will not let me quit. Today I am bottle feeding BM bc my nipples were so sore this morning the thought of letting her latch on was awful.

Hang in there, or don't - It's okay if you choose to go the FF route. Try to see your LC again, if you want.

All that really matters is that baby cricket is getting the food she needs.

[cricketwife]

Feb 4, 2014 14:34:37 GMT -5 @mrswindycity said:

I'm sorry. BFing is so fucking hard in the beginning. I think a lot of people here, myself included, know what you're going through. With DS1 we had weight issues from the beginning, so I had to pump after every feeding and offer it to him (although there was barely anything to offer). It did get better, though we did eventually have to supplement around 5ish months or so, which was difficult for me at first, but ultimately a huge stress reliever. I went on to nurse him till he was 14 months.

This is going to sound dumb, but in those early days with DS1 where I was crying frequently and just generally stressed about BFing, I would have conversations with him. I would just talk to him before or while he nursed and tell him that we had to work together and we would help each other out. Again, I know it sounds lame (and I am so not a person who normally does stuff like that) but it honestly made me feel a lot better and talking to him calmly just made me feel a little less anxious.

I do this too  -- but sometimes I wonder if it's helping or if he's just picking up on my crying.

[litasail]

Feb 4, 2014 14:34:37 GMT -5 @mrswindycity said:

This is going to sound dumb, but in those early days with DS1 where I was crying frequently and just generally stressed about BFing, I would have conversations with him. I would just talk to him before or while he nursed and tell him that we had to work together and we would help each other out. Again, I know it sounds lame (and I am so not a person who normally does stuff like that) but it honestly made me feel a lot better and talking to him calmly just made me feel a little less anxious.

I don't think this is lame. I think it's beautiful.

Hugs Cricket. BFing is the hardest thing I've ever done, hands down. Post here often for advice and cheers, and if you decide to switch to formula, know that you are an amazing mom either way.

[cricketwife]

Feb 4, 2014 14:58:15 GMT -5 panicfoot said:

I had a clogged duct and milk blisters. It was such horrible, intense pain. What helped me initially was doing warm epsom salt soaks and buying bigger pump flanges. Do you know if you have the right size? Here is what Medela says about fitting the breastsheild.

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how worrying the lack of weight gain must be and how frustrating it must be for you. You're doing a wonderful job. ((hugs))

Hmm.  They could be too big.  I don't know if that would cause clogged ducts.  I'll check with the LC when I go in again on Thursday.

[spanikopita]

Lots of hugs.

Listen, first and foremost your son needs a healthy, happy mother who will be mentally and emotionally prepared to care for him. So take care of yourself. You are doing your best and remember that baby cricket really needs YOU, not necessarily BM.

[Velar Fricative]

Hugs, cricketwife. You're doing great! Look at how far you've gotten with the issues you've dealt with so far.

You're right in the prime of the Shitty Breastfeeding Period for many, if not most, new mothers. I too was shocked at how strong that urge to continue breastfeeding was even when I was having problems (EPing the first week, nipple shield for the first 6 weeks, and a growth spurt from hell for more than a week at 3 weeks). Everyone here kept saying it gets better but when you're right in the thick of it, it's so hard to listen to that. But really, it's true. It does get better if you want to keep pushing through.

Finally, you won't get points docked from your Mom Score for supplementing. It is wonderful that formula exists these days, and many mothers here have supplemented in the beginning and managed to stop supplementing after a little while. I imagine it might have been because they were able to work on re-establishing exclusive breastfeeding without ever having to worry that baby is hungry.

Best of luck!

[calliejo]

Breast feeding is so hard. I don't think anything can prepare you for how difficult it is. I was totally blindsided by how hard it was at the beginning.

I used fenugreek supplements with success. (To increase supply). I don't know if you've discussed that with your lc yet, but it might be something to ask about. My pediatrician recommended it to me.

Big hugs.

[Deleted]

Feb 4, 2014 14:03:46 GMT -5 cilantro said:

Feb 4, 2014 13:57:24 GMT -5 @envinoveritas said:

Big hugs cricket. Other than colic, BFing was by far the hardest part of having a baby. I can completely relate to the intense and irrational primal urge to BF, which I was totally unprepared for. I 100% believe it's hormonal and biological in the same way that we hear our babies cry louder than anyone else does. All the hype around how great BFing is and the shaming of formula reminds me of how people feel about smoking. It's gotten ridiculous and I anticipate a backlash is coming.

That being said, it does get better and if it doesn't do not beat yourself up over it. I was in a similar place early on and we've lasted 5 months so of course it's better even though It's never been great. You're a good mom regardless of how you feed your baby.

OMG, I feel like we need a whole new thread based on this statement.  No matter how chill and how prepared I felt about the challenges of breastfeeding, I never ever really accounted for this.
 

Exactly.

[soozy87]

I was really hard on myself those first few weeks too. I think that those first 2 or so months I talked about quitting bfing every day with my husband. I was sick of doing it, it hurt, it was stressful, it was hard. Well, it is still all of those things. I have adjusted my outlook though. I feed my baby the best way that I can, no matter what he is eating as long as he is eating it doesn't matter.

We went through, and still go through, times when I try to nurse him and he screams and I have no idea why he is doing that. So, we adapt. I pump and bottle feed him and try to nurse again later.

When I was pregnant I thought that I would love to BF, that it would be so amazing and that my baby and I would have such a bond and it would just be the best thing ever. Well, it is not, at least not for me. It doesn't come naturally, it hurts and I want my body back.

Even if you can give him a little bit of BM a day that is still good. Don't be so hard on yourself. It isn't good for anyone. Having a newborn is so much harder than I thought it would be and having a newborn and breastfeeding is even harder, especially when you are having all the problems that you are describing. I hope it starts to get easier for you!

[piaffe]

I'm going to PM you.

Huge hugs though.

[dottyblue]

I feel like I say this all the time, but you had bleeding, torn up nipples and it sounds like your DS may not have been getting enough milk. Has your DS been checked for tongue and/or lip ties? Don't assume that your pedi or LC have checked, or know what to look for. I had three medical professionals miss my DS's tongue tie.

When you go in on Thursday, ask your LC about it. It can prevent transfer of milk and can really fuck your milk production. My supply tanked when DS had his tongue tie because he wasn't able to effectively transfer milk. We were able to resolve it, but that was because I researched tongue ties and went to the LC with documentation and requested a referral to a pediatric ENT.

(((hugs))) BFing is hard.

[Deleted]

littlespitfire is very wise. I agree with everything she says.

BFing was excrutiatingly painful for me for 12 weeks with my first (when I switched to EPing) and 10 weeks with my second and I made it pumping to seven months (supplementing starting @ 6 with DD) and still nursing/pumping exclusively with DS @ 7 months. Hang in there mama. The early days are so hard. And do what ever you feel you need to to feed your baby and what makes you feel the least stressed.

[kellytaylor]

Hugs to you! I had to start supplementing at 3 months when the pediatrician discovered that my daughter wasn't gaining weight. I took it HARD. But, I decided her well being was the most important, and if that meant giving formula, then that's what I was going to do. I supplemented 50% of the time and she gained 1/2 pound in one week. This coincided with the end of my mat leave, so I basically gave up BFing at that point.

All of this is to say now that I'm 4 years out from that experience, I now realize that feeding my baby was what mattered, not WHAT she ate. You are a great mom for caring so much about your child, and I understand the primal desire to BF. For what it's worth, with my second child, I had no problems BFing, she gained weight like a champ, and I nursed her for 14 months. BF can be such a mind game!!

[sent]

Do you hear him swallowing? That's one of the ways I try to figure out if my kid is doing anything at the breast. Sometimes I have to ask my husband to turn off the TV in order to have total silence so I can hear the swallow. Also since I've been using a nipple shield for about 5 weeks now, I can sort of peel her off the shield and see if it there is milk in the shield to know if she's getting any milk or not. I saw 2 LC's where I delivered, but after she came home we went to an LC at a different hospital who was much more supportive. Don't be afraid to look around for other LCs if you need to. They also have a BFing mothers group at that hospital. We went once and it was really helpful so I hope you can find something like that to help you.

(Hugs) to you and your beautiful newborn.

[hrp22]

BF was the hardest thing about having a newborn for me. Everything else I found easier than expected. It took weeks before LO would latch and I had many problems and bleeding nipples. If I could give my new mom self a talk, it'd be that it's alright to pump and bottle feed. I was so afraid that LO wouldn't latch at all if he bottle fed. I think we would have been fine. My LO finally latched at 3 weeks or so, and then around 5 weeks BF became painless. It was so hard. I felt like I was doing something wrong, and my baby was losing weight all the time. We fed him through a syringe and it was so miserable. I hated feeding him. It was just such an event. Attempt to latch, crying from both of us, pumping, syringe feeding etc. I used the shield and that finally got us to the point of being able to nurse.

[degal99]

::hugs:: breastfeeding was the only thing that I felt strongly about. Natural birth, c-section, disposable, cloth diapers, etc, I didn't care about. But I wanted to breastfeed. And it's been nothing like I imagined. DD was tongue tied and couldn't latch but we didn't know that we were essentially starving her until we saw the pediatrician. We had to supplement with formula almost immediately. I pumped sporadically because I thought she would just get it eventually. At a month she hasn't yet but she's getting better. But I'm fighting with my supply because of the sporadic pumping to start. We may not get to exclusive breastmilk but we're doing what we can and that's the best we can do. And that's the best you can do too. You have to feed your baby and formula is not battery acid. :-)

[dcn]

Feb 4, 2014 23:54:01 GMT -5 @fivedogs said:

Finally, I had blocked pores with DD1, and my LC had me soak the whole breast in very warm water with Epsom salts, then scrub my hands and fingernails and gently scrape/lift/push the skin that was blocking the pore (I'd massage and push the skin aside and then milk would come out).  Lots of massage to get things flowing again (sometimes blocked ducts and pores go together in a chicken-egg situation because milk not flowing/slowing down causes issues).  I also started taking evening primrose oil and lecithin and that helped a lot.  And lots of ibuprofen for you!  Good luck!

Ditto this, i also had blocked pores and epsom salt soaks helped a lot, also hot showers and massage.  The skin can cover it again quickly so you have to keep on top of them.  Lecithin helped and kellymom also recommended grapefruit seed extract.  Hang in there!