Would this gift from me make you feel awkward?

[thumper55]

One of my best friends is down on her finances. She has a DH and a 1 year old.

Her DH lost his previous job and now has been working a lessor paying job for a couple of months. She has not worked for a couple of years, and it would be a wash for daycare costs.

They recently moved in with her parents , a condo, to save money. They sleep in the living room. The other day she called me and was upset, as they had an unexpected expense that was $700 that she had to put on her credit card. I believe they are just paycheck to paycheck at the moment.

Her DS's 1 year birthday is coming up. I normally would spend $25-$40 on a gift, but I'm thinking of giving $200 instead. Probably a Target gift card.

If you received this gift from me , would it make you feel awkward or embarrasssed?

[niki]

Perhaps don't put the amount on the card and let the amount be a surprise?

[Deleted]

Are you really really close? If so, then I think it's a nice gesture. But I'd give the kid a toy because I would feel guilty as a parent with a $200 gift card that my kid got as a present if I used it for toiletries and other stuff.

[vanillacourage]

I would probably create a dummy email account and send a Target e-gift card and keep it separate from his birthday.

[jinnifah]

I'd be appreciative. If you are close friends I don't think it'd be awkward

[cjeanette]

No, I wouldn't give it out in the open at a party or anything in case she tears up or something though.

[thumper55]

Jul 6, 2012 11:37:13 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Are you really really close? If so, then I think it's a nice gesture. But I'd give the kid a toy because I would feel guilty as a parent with a $200 gift card that my kid got as a present if I used it for toiletries and other stuff.

Yes, she is one of my best friends. We don't talk often (distance + my busy schedule) but she is dear to my heart.

We're both Asian - it's very common to give money as a gift , (with the assumption that she'll pick out a gift to buy for her ds) and know that she will have something extra left over to spend on stuff they need.

If I buy a present for her DS, then give her a separate gift card,
I feel like that might make things more awkward because it will make it a "handout" to her, instead of a "gift" for her DS

[dexteroni]

A $200 GC is a wonderful gift for someone in a tough financial spot, but giving it to her DS instead of her would be really odd. I would find a way to get her the card, addressed to her, anonymously. I wouldn't want to mail it without a return address in case it gets lost. Maybe tape it inside their front door at a time when you know no one is home.

[thumper55]

Jul 6, 2012 11:40:36 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

No, I wouldn't give it out in the open at a party or anything in case she tears up or something though.

do you mean not to open in front of everyone because the amount?
well it would be a gift card, so no one would know the amount on it

[thumper55]

Jul 6, 2012 11:49:30 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

I would find a way to get her the card, addressed to her, anonymously. I wouldn't want to mail it without a return address in case it gets lost. Maybe tape it inside their front door at a time when you know no one is home.

THe birthday party for her DS is really the only time I will see her. We live a good distance from each other and don't see each other much at all.

[MadamePresident]

Can you maybe break it out into two gift cards? One that is a b-day for DS the other that is for her. I think it would be fun to leave the amount off, so she doesn't feel embarassed in front of you. There have been times, I've wanted to bless my friends in the same way. Espicially, when you know they are working hard to get back on their feet.

[Deleted]

If giving money is common, I'd give a Visa gift card so she can spend it where it is most needed and not be locked into target.

[hubes]

I'd still send it anonymously.

Even something as simple as giving her son a gift, and leaving the gift card "somewhere" in her house or car with her name on it.

Even if I needed it, I'd be embarrassed to get it.

[Brie]

I agree--split the gift. Give her DS a normal one year birthday gift, and then give her the gift card in a separate card congratulating her on making it through the first year, or something.

[dexteroni]

Jul 6, 2012 12:03:45 GMT -5 hubes said:

I'd still send it anonymously.

Even something as simple as giving her son a gift, and leaving the gift card "somewhere" in her house or car with her name on it.

This was going to be my next suggestion. She'll know it was one of the guests, but she won't know which one. And still give her DS a regular gift like you would normally. It's better to keep these two things separate anyway.

Jul 6, 2012 12:03:45 GMT -5 hubes said:

Even if I needed it, I'd be embarrassed to get it.

Conversely, even though I'd be embarrassed to get it, I'd be glad to have it.

[sweetnsour]

In college I was having a hard time because a restaurant I worked out closed unexpectedly. My roommate gave me a gift card for the grocery store and Target. I felt a little weird but I was extremely grateful. I really needed it. She told me to pay it forward one day and I did.

On the other hand I gave my Dad a gift card for trader joes when he was out of work and he bit my head off.

Could you buy a nice gift and something else the her kid might need? Maybe baby clothes? That will free up her money to go elsewhere.

[Deleted]

I think that is really thoughtful of you. I wouldn't feel awkward, I would be thankful. That's enough $ that they can buy a few things for their kid from "them" as well without using cc's. If I were her I'd just repay the favor some day down the road when I had more money with a nice gift back to you.

[honeybee]

I think as someone with a small child she'd be more appreciative then anything. Most people don't want to accept help but I think she'll realize you're doing it from a place of caring for her and not belittling their situation.

[aspentosh]

Jul 6, 2012 12:11:40 GMT -5 @bohememoniker said:

I'd split the gift also. Get a gift for her son and give her a gift card or money to celebrate her first year as a parent. It sounds like it's been a rough one. It sounds like the two of you are close enough where she'll understand where you're coming from, especially if she has shared details about her financial situation.

:Y:

If it were a close friend, I wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing.

[noodleoo]

While very nice of you, yeah, this would make me feel embarrassed and guilty that I couldn't reciprocate or pay you back. I know it is a gift, but it is still awkward and may feel like charity.

Also: how would you feel if she ended up buying a $200 present for her son? Bc honestly if you sent it as a present for him, I'd probably feel like you wanted me to spend it on him. So it might not actually help in the way I think you want it to help.

[morningmania]

I would split the two items up. One card for the child with a gift or gift card and another card for your friend that you can maybe just hand to her or leave on the table when you are leaving.

I would use a thinking of you card for your friend.

[Deleted]

I think it is ok and very generous. I think it is ok not to give anonymously (which may be more awkward) and instead just send it with a note saying something like "I know you've been under a lot of stress lately, hopefully this will help you and your son be able to celebrate his birthday without any worries". I think since this is a very close friend who discusses finances with you, it won't be awkward and I'm sure she'll return the favor in some other way in the future. Not that that's what you're going for, obviously, but she shouldn't feel awkward because everyone falls on hard times and sometimes needs a friend to step in an alleviate some of the burden.

I think this is very nice of you.

[Deleted]

Embarrassed is sleeping in your parents' living room. That ship has sailed.

I would be happy I had a friend that cared about me and wanted to help. I don't think the details of how matter that much.

[SpicedApplePie]

I think this is a lovely gesture and it seems like it will be appreciated no matter the way in which it is given.

[MixedBerryJam]

This or similar question came up before, and I have to reiterate my answer. I think it's a wonderful gesture in general but, a.) Visa gift cards have fees associated with them that a gift card like a Target or grocery store card would not. Also, I would be beyond creeped out if I got a gift card anonymously. So creeped out I would likely not use it, assuming it was a scam or something. Please don't send it anonymously, esp. taping it to the door. But I think the idea is sweet.

[Deleted]

I'm Asian and I think that would be a great gesture. I would NOT do separate gifts for her 1 yo because the baby is too young to expect a gift from you and giving her a gc on the side seems too much like a handout. I also would not send something anonymously. If I saw a random gc in the mail with no name, I would probably think it was a scam and trash it.

[Laura Palmer]

Sorry if this has been mentioned -- but if you'll be at her home, can you sneak a GC or cash in a drawer somewhere you know she'll find it? Then it can be anonymous, but if she's inclined to be embarrassed, she can also fall back on "maybe I had it and didn't know it".

[panicked]

Split it. My concern with one gift card is she may feel like she HAS to use the entire thing on her son, and not on other stuff they need.

[hannamarin]

Jul 6, 2012 12:34:30 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Embarrassed is sleeping in your parents' living room. That ship has sailed.

I would be happy I had a friend that cared about me and wanted to help. I don't think the details of how matter that much.

Yes
Give her the card and she will be happy.