DH is in charge of entertaining dd when he gets home from work while I make dinner. He has been arriving home between 6:30-7, we eat about 7:15, then dd goes straight into the bathtub. DH does bath and gets her ready for bed then I come in and nurse her and put her down. He sees her for 1 1/2 hours at most so I don't feel at all bad about expecting him to spend that time with dd. If he's really beat, they might watch a car show together so DH can relax but otherwise they play. When it's warmer out, they often take a walk.
Post by teatimefor2 on Feb 12, 2014 11:59:31 GMT -5
DH has always appreciated what I do and considers my SAH as work. This has never been an issue. In the nights he's come, he always does bath. That's really become their thing. DH will sometimes leave the office to make it home for bathtime and then will WFH after. We are still nursing so I put DS to bed.
While they are doing bath I do what needs to be done, or gasp, I gave 15 minutes of me time.
We both understand that what we each do is work and support the other person. In my mind, that's what makes us a family, we are a team.
Post by teatimefor2 on Feb 12, 2014 11:59:44 GMT -5
DH has always appreciated what I do and considers my SAH as work. This has never been an issue. In the nights he's come, he always does bath. That's really become their thing. DH will sometimes leave the office to make it home for bathtime and then will WFH after. We are still nursing so I put DS to bed.
While they are doing bath I do what needs to be done, or gasp, I gave 15 minutes of me time.
We both understand that what we each do is work and support the other person. In my mind, that's what makes us a family, we are a team.
Post by teatimefor2 on Feb 12, 2014 12:00:01 GMT -5
DH has always appreciated what I do and considers my SAH as work. This has never been an issue. In the nights he's come, he always does bath. That's really become their thing. DH will sometimes leave the office to make it home for bathtime and then will WFH after. We are still nursing so I put DS to bed.
While they are doing bath I do what needs to be done, or gasp, I gave 15 minutes of me time.
We both understand that what we each do is work and support the other person. In my mind, that's what makes us a family, we are a team.
I feel like we constantly go through these cycles where DH generally understands how hard it can be and that it is "work" and not play time (he used to make remarks about how he thinks it would be so much "fun" to take the kids to the museum and the zoo and whatever else. Please. I quickly disabused him of that fantasy) and then he will start back sliding again. Right now we're in a back sliding phase again where he seems kind of put off a bit when I suggest that I need a break more than he does once he walks through the door. I understand that he's not just sitting around all day shooting the shit with his coworkers and that his job can be stressful. But it's not even like I need a break from all tasks, just the kids. Like, I will get to the point where I literally cannot stand to hear another request from them after 6 pm. Why is that so hard to understand?? Sigh. I guess we need to have another CTJT.
Honestly we've been doing this gig for a long ass time & that about sums it up. He'll step up & step back in what seems like cycles. Right now he's recently ramped down (no longer wakes with baby at all, rarely does anything baby related, he just helps older kids, trash & laundry). I think he's given the baby 1 bath in almost 11mo. Sometimes it seems the more I do (like I've started back helping with laundry), the less he does in general. Other times he'll really step up. I can't really explain it but its cyclical and definitely always changing & causing a bit if a rub.
I do most of the child care even after DH comes home from work. I have no problem with this. I get to work out, read, etc. while he is at work so I want him to gave that opportunity too. It's not like he's sitting on his butt all night while I'm doing stuff. But if he wants to go for a run after supper, check his email, or meet his friends for a beer, I'm ok with that. He very rarely did the MOTN wake ups because he has to get up 1.5 hours earlier than I do.
This is us too. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. If I want him to change a diaper or cook dinner or give him a bath, he will do it, I just ask.
Post by SpartanGirl on Feb 12, 2014 12:27:40 GMT -5
This has been a struggle for us. We both have nightly meetings sometimes which can add stress to an already hectic night. When we throw in evening activities it's overwhelming.
For my part, I try to have as much done as I can before he gets home. Ideally, the house is (reasonably) picked up, dinner is made and the kids have done their homework. It doesn't always happen that way, but it's so much easier when it does.
We eat almost as soon as H comes home. We divide and conquer to get everyone served and cleaned up. DH usually does the dishes while I get kids ready for bed or activities, depending on the night.
For bedtime we typically split it so one of us puts the older 2 kids to bed and one puts the younger 2 to bed. From the time he gets home until bed time is only about 2 hours so it's not so bad.
On the weekends, H does a lot of things that I typically do during the week (waking up with the kids, cooking meals, etc). We've done a lot of rearranging how we do things and swapping responsibilities to find what works for us. For example, last year I would take the oldest kids to their activities at night while he stayed home and put the little kids to bed, this year he takes the bigs and I stay home with the littles. It's nice to switch things up now and then. It keeps us (well at least me) from feeling too resentful that I'm always the one doing one particular thing.
I work part-time, but it's all from home while the kids are in school/MDO, so by the time H gets home at night I have had the kids by myself for 3-4 hours in addition to running around doing all the school drop offs and pick ups during the day. H plays with the kids while I cook dinner, assuming he's home in time, then we eat together. I bathe the baby then nurse him while I watch TV or read for half an hour, so I get a little down time that way. H plays with the older boys and helps them with baths and getting ready for bed while I get the baby down. Then we each take an older boy for books and bedtime. Neither of us takes a true break where we aren't responsible for at least one child until all three are asleep.
My H travels for work a ton (he's been gone since Saturday of this week, for example), so I end up doing dinner/baths/bed alone a lot. I wish he would do the same now and then when he is in town to give me a night 100% off here and there, but that never seems to happen.
Post by mainelyfoolish on Feb 12, 2014 13:09:38 GMT -5
We split it up. Usually that means he'll keep the kids (mostly the 1 year old) out of my hair while I cook dinner. While I do the nighttime routine with the 1 year old, DH will do the dishes (the 1 year old can't be around because he tries to crawl into the dishwasher). When I'm done putting DS to bed, DH will do the nighttime routine with the 5 year old and I'll go downstairs and straighten up. When both kids are in bed, we both get to sit down and relax for a little bit before we have to go to bed.
MOTN wake-ups are mostly a thing of the past in this house (yay!). When the first child was an infant, I did all the MOTN feedings because I could catch a nap in the daytime. When the second child was an infant, DH and I alternated feedings (DS was formula fed) because my older child didn't nap anymore. When DS was at only one MOTN feeding, I did most of them.
Post by sarahlindsay on Feb 12, 2014 15:04:40 GMT -5
My DD is almost 4, so things are a bit different compared to when she was smaller. I am so PT now that I practically SAH.
DH usually hops right into things when he comes home, playing with B and giving me a chance to make/finish up dinner stuff. Every now and then when it's been a really crazy work day he will need a little time to decompress. Usually we're all kind of in the mix together, unless they're in the basement playroom for a while or something. We switch off with bedtime (every other night sort of thing), and he's been handling most of the baths/showers lately.
Our division of labor when DH gets home from work isn't my favorite time of day. It's a sore spot for me. But, I suck it up and deal with it for several reasons. DH works from home Mon & Fri, so he's only gone Tues-Thurs. He has a 1hr+ commute each way, which sucks I know b/c I did a similar commute before I quit to SAH. He gets up at 6am to let out the dog so I don't have to. So I have a lot of sympathy for the fact that he's cranky and tired when he gets home.
When he gets home, he says hello to DS (who is usually eating his post-nap snack), then DH gets 30-45 minutes to unwind. He usually messes around online, or watches TV. This is hard on me b/c I've been with DS all.day.long and I reeeeallly want to hand him off to DH. But, as I said, I have sympathy for DH needing a break more than me at that time of day. So I push on and start dinner, and DH helps me finish it. DH does bath time and plays DS ukulele (the standard wind-down pre-bed activity) while I get a few minutes to myself. Then DH cleans up from dinner while I put DS to bed. DS goes to bed at 8, so we usually have 2ish hours together before we go to bed, which is nice.
DH helped MOTN when he was on his 2-week paternity leave, and not at all since. His job is demanding and requires a lot of critical thinking, which he can't do while sleep-deprived. And honestly, I saw no need for us BOTH to be sleep deprived. I was already up b/c I was BFing. So I do 100% of the MOTN wakeups.
I do not think DH sees what I do as "work" that is equivalent to what he does. But on the flip side, *I* don't see his office job as "work" equivalent to what I do. Sitting at a desk, eating alone, listening to music, and goofing around online a fair portion of the day? Yes please, sign me up! It's the classic "we both think we're working harder than the other" scenario. If I let myself travel down that spiral of "DH isn't working as hard as me!" then our marriage suffers. The reality is somewhere in the middle. Some days DH works hard and I don't, and some days I work hard and DH doesn't. So generally he STFU about my job (staying at home) and I STFU about his job (office job and farm work). We try not to push that button with each other, it never accomplishes anything. We pushed that button a TON when DS was an infant, and it just made everything worse. Now we both do the best we can, and ask the other for breaks as-needed. Things have gotten much, MUCH BETTER since we sleep trained DS at 18 months old. He STTN and a 2-3 hour nap, so everyone is well-rested and I get some down time during his nap.
Post by DarcyLongfellow on Feb 12, 2014 16:42:21 GMT -5
DH could definitely be better about this. But, he has gotten SO much better since DD2 was born.
He gets home between 5 and 6, and I try to have dinner ready before 6. So if he gets home on the early side, he'll (by default -- it's not like I really ask him) be in charge of both girls while I am in the kitchen making dinner. (If he weren't there, the girls would pretty much be doing the same thing -- hanging out in the family room -- but it is definitely easier if he's there to referee.)
After dinner, I usually take DD2 in to start putting her down for bed. He and DD1 play together during that time. He usually has the financial news on and is watching it while DD1 sort of plays around him. He starts getting her ready for bed around 7. If I'm done with DD2, I start cleaning up the kitchen while he does bedtime with DD1, otherwise I'm in DD2's room while he does that. He is in charge of DD1's bath time around 75% of the time (I sometimes do it during the day), and he is always in charge of getting her in her pajamas, reading her 1 book, giving her vitamins, and brushing her teeth.
I take over for the second half of DD1's bed time -- reading her a second book and then cuddling with her with the lights off for a few minutes. If I'm not done with DD2's bedtime when DH finishes, DD1 hangs out in bed "reading" while she waits for me.
Both girls are likely to need someone to come in a couple times over the next two hours or so. DD1 will request water, or go to the bathroom and need help wiping, and DD2 often has a couple wake ups before DH and I head to bed. We split these fairly evenly. I usually handle DD2 because I can nurse her back to sleep faster than DH can rock her back to sleep, but if she wakes up more than once he usually takes a turn. DD1's wake ups we split evenly.
DH is totally in charge of DD1 at night -- he has the monitor for her room by his side of the bed. She usually doesn't need anything since she's 4.5, but if she does wake up, it's all him. I handle DD2 all night. But if I need help, I could ask him.
Writing that out, I realize it's fairly evenly split in the evenings. Weekends are less so unless I specifically go take a nap or something. But it has gotten a lot better now that there are two of them!
Our division of labor when DH gets home from work isn't my favorite time of day. It's a sore spot for me. But, I suck it up and deal with it for several reasons. DH works from home Mon & Fri, so he's only gone Tues-Thurs. He has a 1hr+ commute each way, which sucks I know b/c I did a similar commute before I quit to SAH. He gets up at 6am to let out the dog so I don't have to. So I have a lot of sympathy for the fact that he's cranky and tired when he gets home.
When he gets home, he says hello to DS (who is usually eating his post-nap snack), then DH gets 30-45 minutes to unwind. He usually messes around online, or watches TV. This is hard on me b/c I've been with DS all.day.long and I reeeeallly want to hand him off to DH. But, as I said, I have sympathy for DH needing a break more than me at that time of day.
Not to thread hijack but this seems CRAZY to me. I communte 1hr 15 mintues each way, get up at 6:00 every morning ( also feeding and letting the dogs out) and I still come home and immediately engage with my kid with out getting or needing to taking 30-45 minutes to unwind. I think you are pretty accomodating to your H to allow this especially since he is only goes into the office 3 days a week. I think he needs to put his big boy pants on and realize parenting doesn't always revolve around what he wants or his schedule.
Not trying to stir anything up- just doesn't seem like a partnership when it come to parenting. Seems to me you are doing all the work.
Post by teatimefor2 on Feb 12, 2014 17:15:35 GMT -5
DH has always appreciated what I do and considers my SAH as work. This has never been an issue. In the nights he's come, he always does bath. That's really become their thing. DH will sometimes leave the office to make it home for bathtime and then will WFH after. We are still nursing so I put DS to bed.
While they are doing bath I do what needs to be done, or gasp, I gave 15 minutes of me time.
We both understand that what we each do is work and support the other person. In my mind, that's what makes us a family, we are a team.
I agree leonard131. I do all the parenting. And yes I am accommodating. That being said, he accommodates me too. On his WFH days, he helps me a lot. He'll watch DS while I make breakfast, or change his diaper and clothes, or do my morning farm chores (if I ask). He's super helpful on his WFH days.
And I know from prior experience that honestly he's a grumpy whiny bitch if I make him skip his post-work relaxing time. It ruins the whole evening. He really needs that time to be an engaged Dad and a good husband. It's crucial to him, so I accommodate him. No matter how much it may annoy the SHIT outta me.
I am on maternity leave but DH takes over when he gets home. We eat dinner (he cooks or I heat something up) and I go upstairs for some alone time. We do bath time together and I nurse DS to sleep. He takes the 9-1 shift and I take 1-6:30. Once DH takes a shower he takes DS downstairs so I can shower and he makes breakfast. If DS is really fussy during either shift we help the other one out. On the weekends DH will also normally take DS downstairs so I can sleep in.
We split things pretty evenly at night. He gets that I need a break, though if the kids have had a rough afternoon, we usually need all hands on deck, so neither one of us takes much of a break without feeling selfish. If the workload starts to feel unbalanced (such as when I am especially sleep deprived and the almost three year old is acting up), I will get a little resentful. He can usually tell he needs to pitch in more then (i.e., this morning he took DD2 at 4am), but if not, I tell him. We both prioritize working out and basically give each other a free pass for that because we think it is so important. Are you able to do that? Having even 45 minutes to myself a couple of times a week helps keep me sane.
Maybe you saw it but @mrsbecky07 mentioned an article the other day titled Why Mom's Time Is Different From Dad's Time, and a lot of it rang true for us. It could just be a personality thing, but I tend to see downtime through a prism of household tasks that need to be done. For example, my husband has no problem watching TV, while I see laundry that could be folded while watching TV. We also have different love languages, which is often reflected in our interactions with each other as parents, and I try to keep that in mind too. My way (gulp) is not always right.
If I recall you used to have a sitter some of the time.... Is it possible for you to hire help again? Some days I feel like I'm running all day long with two... I think I would feel more overwhelmed with three. Good luck.
Post by redpenmama on Feb 12, 2014 23:44:24 GMT -5
H could help more. He goes to work, eats dinner with us (if he gets home in time), and then turns on his laptop and does work from the couch all night. He interacts with us, but it's almost always from behind the screen of a laptop. Since DS was born, he has helped more with DD's bedtime, but only when I can't do it, like if DS is screaming. He tends to DD if she wakes up at night (which is rare) since im usually already up with the baby. He takes out the trash -- that's his contribution to household upkeep.
I think my H sees how much work it is staying at home, but I don't think what I do is appreciated. I also work at home and run my own freelance business. So, on top of full-time, around-the-clock care for two kids, I work 20ish hours a week (less lately since DS is still so young). I am doing what I want to do, and my part-time work puts us in a much better financial situation, so I'm not playing martyr at all. I just wish he'd acknowledge what I do (like I acknowledge his hard work) occasionally. I feel isolated and unsupported in many ways right now, but I think it's the stress of having a newborn and adjusting to that, all with no support locally beyond H, who isn't exactly a huge source of support to be honest, mostly because he works 7-7 (by choice) and puts us behind his work, which is his priority.
redpenmama, that sounds hard. I know what you mean about not feeling appreciated. DH has a vague idea of how much work it can be but he doesn't really get it at the same time. It is very frustrating since he works long hours by choice to pursue his career interests and it is very much a choice. That, for me, is the hard part. He could still make very good money working a 40-hour-week schedule but instead chooses to work crazy hours. That's fine and all, but it would be nice if he could acknowledge that it's a sacrifice for the rest of us, you know?
I can relate redheadk. My H also chooses to work way more than he is required to. He pursues a lot of outside projects to advance his career in the long term, and while I do believe it will be worth it, it currently just feels like he's choosing work over family ... Especially because there's no financial payoff or otherwise. I hope we can look back on this phase and say all of the work was worth it because he's missing valuable time with his two young kids, IMO.
We have a business and H works a lot and doesn't have set hours. When he is home at a reasonable time he'll entertain the baby and help with the bedtime routine. Sometimes he works late and doesn't see Wes at night so he'll get up with him the next morning so they can have some time together. He has gotten much better about this as Wes got older and more interactive. He recently told me he didn't feel bonded with Wes right away because he just wanted me for those first few weeks/months. Now, he is a great dad but he wasn't so great with a newborn.
My H thinks what I do (staying home) is important to our family and he knows it's hard because he has to do it when I need time away or want to run errands sans baby in tow.
Post by whitemerlot on Feb 13, 2014 10:15:09 GMT -5
My kids are 4 and 20 months. My husband is super busy at work and gets home around 6:45. My kids are usually finishing dinner or done eating at that point and he eats quickly, plays with the kids for 1/2 hour and then we each put one to bed. After that he works again. He does help with night wakings, even though I'm a SAHM.
When he is not as busy, he usually comes in and plays with the kids while I cook dinner and helps with clean up. We spend time with the kids together but he changes any diapers whenever he is home.
Our kids usually wake up at 5:30 and he gets up with them and gives them breakfast and gets ready for work for the most part who them and I get up at 7.
This is probably the biggest issue in my marriage. My DH works a lot which is just the norm in his field but it is tough to be the sole care giver M-F. If my DH works in the city he gets home after bedtime. If he works from home he usually stops working when dinner is ready. We all eat dinner together and my DH watches the kids while I clean up after dinner. This is actually a new development after a huge argument. I used to have to wait until the kids were asleep to clean up. I then give the kids a bath, give the baby his nebulizer and put him to bed. I also used to put our oldest to bed by myself but we now take turns after our big argument. I do all the MOTN for both kids. We do take turns sleeping in on weekends and days that he works from home.
I'll be staying at home next month, but this won't change for the time being.
Our current routine is he gets B ready (diaper change, PJs, sleep sack, we don't do bath every night). While he does that, I get into PJs myself and get settled in bed to nurse. I nurse to sleep. When he does wake up, H gets up and changes him, and brings him back to me, again to nurse to sleep while he goes back to bed.
I think it helps that H works from home, so he has some flexibility. I think right now, he actually takes on a lot more than I do - my dad watches him at our house while he works, and then he has him alone for a bit in the morning and in the afternoon when he's done with work, but I'm still working/commuting.
Our understanding for when I'm not working is that basically from 7 - 4:30, I'm "on". It's my job to handle all things house and baby related. Once he's off work, or on weekends, household duties and baby care are 50/50.
My Dh has had enough alone time with our son to know that it's exhausting. Typically he gets home during dinner time so I need him to play with LO while I am around the hot stove and knives. Then, my DH goes and takes a shower, we eat dinner.
Most nights we play with him together after dinner, but if I've had a frazzled day, I will take a break in the bedroom and veg out for a while, and DH will watch LO. Then typically we split the bed time duties. We usually both bathe him, because really, it's just sitting in the bathroom while our kid is cute and self entertained.
Sometimes I put him to bed, sometimes DH. DH usually puts him in his pajamas and night time diaper. If I'm sick or really tired, it's all on DH and he doesn't complain.
If he's got him, and I can tell the kid is driving him nuts, I'll offer to take him off his hands for a while and we'll go roll in the bedroom or play chase.
I think it will be much more on DH to watch LO when we have another baby.
Oh, and it wasn't that nice and split will LO was under 8 months old. DH didn't really know what to do with him when he was an infant, and of course he couldn't nurse the baby, so it was mostly on me 24/7. I've always been the middle of the night care taker. However, until recently, DH had a dangerous job so I didn't want him to be tired the next day, and I was the SAHM, so I felt that I could be tired the next day and the world would go on.
DH is in charge of entertaining dd when he gets home from work while I make dinner. He has been arriving home between 6:30-7, we eat about 7:15, then dd goes straight into the bathtub. DH does bath and gets her ready for bed then I come in and nurse her and put her down. He sees her for 1 1/2 hours at most so I don't feel at all bad about expecting him to spend that time with dd. If he's really beat, they might watch a car show together so DH can relax but otherwise they play. When it's warmer out, they often take a walk.
I love the idea of dh and dd taking a walk. Thanks for sharing it.
DH is in charge of entertaining dd when he gets home from work while I make dinner. He has been arriving home between 6:30-7, we eat about 7:15, then dd goes straight into the bathtub. DH does bath and gets her ready for bed then I come in and nurse her and put her down. He sees her for 1 1/2 hours at most so I don't feel at all bad about expecting him to spend that time with dd. If he's really beat, they might watch a car show together so DH can relax but otherwise they play. When it's warmer out, they often take a walk.
I love the idea of dh and dd taking a walk. Thanks for sharing it.
It's a good way for DH to decompress and get some fresh air and DD gets worn out. It's a win-win!