SAHMs come in

[Deleted]

How do you handle night duties wrt childcare when your H comes home? Is he understanding about you needing a break? Or does he feel like he needs a break after working all day/commuting? How do you split tasks like bath/story/bed time? MOTN wake ups? 

Do you feel like he sees what you do as "work" that is equivalent to what he does?

[Deleted]

I feel like we constantly go through these cycles where DH generally understands how hard it can be and that it is "work" and not play time (he used to make remarks about how he thinks it would be so much "fun" to take the kids to the museum and the zoo and whatever else. Please. I quickly disabused him of that fantasy) and then he will start back sliding again. Right now we're in a back sliding phase again where he seems kind of put off a bit when I suggest that I need a break more than he does once he walks through the door. I understand that he's not just sitting around all day shooting the shit with his coworkers and that his job can be stressful. But it's not even like I need a break from all tasks, just the kids. Like, I will get to the point where I literally cannot stand to hear another request from them after 6 pm. Why is that so hard to understand?? Sigh. I guess we need to have another CTJT.

[mdana]

H pretty much takes over when he comes home. He takes N after I've nursed him, makes dinner, plays with N after dinner, and does bath time. I nurse N before bed and H takes him upstairs to put him down. After that, H gets his down time and usually watches TV or goes to the basement to work in his shop.

I think I am really lucky though. He definitely sees what I do with N during the day as my work, and when he's home, he wants to be involved. I really appreciate that.

eta: for MOTN wakeups, H usually goes upstairs to get N and brings him to me so I can feed him, and then I take him back up and put him down.  N STTN from about 7w to about a week ago, and now that he's waking up more, I try to take subsequent wakeups on my own. 

[rex]

h walks through the door and i hand L to him. she gets VERY excited to see him now so it's almost not a choice lol

I do bath time and he puts her to bed (which entails putting her in pjs and laying her down). she is in bed by 7 and he is home 615-630.

by 4pm I am counting down the minutes until he gets home.

[mdana]

*dup*

[bunch]

We divide and conquer. We usually eat within a few mins of dh getting home. After dinner I do dishes while he does baths. He dresses one kid for bed while he does the other. I nurse baby while he reads books.

There are definitely days when I feel like I have to prod him along, but he gets that we can both relax at 8 when dd1 goes to bed. It's also the only time that he gets to spend with the kids on the week days, so he's glad to interact with them as much as possible.

Eta: I do all motn unless it's a really bad night because he gets up at 5:30 and commutes 45 mins. It works for us

[ilikedonuts]

My husband does 75% of the kid related stuff from when he gets home until they go to bed. He does bath for both kids and always puts the baby to bed (we FF). And usually he puts our oldest to bed unless she wants me to do it.

MOTN wake ups vary. They are pretty evenly split, but with him doing almost all weekend nights and then a night or two during the week.

I will say once or twice my husband has mentioned how he just needs to relax when he gets home from work and I've looked at him and been like wtf and he goes "yeah i know. wrong thing to say."

The thing is once the kids go to bed he very much relaxes while I run around getting stuff done and preparing for our next day. the kids and I go somewhere almost daily and the reason I'm usually on time for stuff is because I prep the night before. pack lunches, bottles, lay out clothes, pack diaper bag, get all of our coats and boots, etc ready. He sees all of that I do to prepare along with straighten up the house (I'm very OCD when it comes to where I put stuff so I like to do it myself) so he rarely says anything about kid duty earlier in the night.

[ilikedonuts]

And I've never specifically asked my husband if he considers what I do during the day as "work" but he knows better than to ever say that he doesn't if that's how he feels because he would lose his balls.

[dulcemariamar]

We also do the divide and conquer process. My DH comes home and takes LO and plays with her while I cook dinner. When I am making dinner, I can have a few minutes to check my mail or play on the computer. Then we eat together. I clean the kitchen/dishes while he gives LO a bath, and gets her ready for bed. I then nurse her so he goes off to play on the computer. When I put her in the crib, then we hang out together.

My DH doesnt take a break before LO goes to bed. He might take a shower before dinner so then I stay with LO.

I handle night duties during the week because I can always nap when she naps.

[soozy87]

Feb 12, 2014 8:24:18 GMT -5 @lcap said:

How do you handle night duties wrt childcare when your H comes home? Is he understanding about you needing a break? Or does he feel like he needs a break after working all day/commuting? How do you split tasks like bath/story/bed time? MOTN wake ups? 

Do you feel like he sees what you do as "work" that is equivalent to what he does?

We pretty much split evening childcare. He might actually do a little more. He worked from home a few days last week and told me that he doesn't know how I do that every day. I feel like I need to do as much as I can to give him a break at night, but as long as the baby is being good neither of us really minds playing with him and hold him. I try to give him a bath during the day and we are not at the point where we have a long routine at bedtime. My husband is awesome about middle of the night wake ups - he feeds the baby while I pump, we switch off checking on him and changing him.

[212]

My H is very rarely home for bedtime. Maybe 1-2 days a month (including weekends). I knew when we decided to have a child that 99.9% of all child duties/decision making/MOTN stuff would be on me. When I need a break I hire a sitter.

We both work hard and are appreciative for providing for our family on different levels. Are there resentments and the occasional pissing match? Of course. But all in all we're lucky to have each other. I wouldn't be the mum I am without his support and he wouldn't have the career he does without me.

[gibbinator]

We pretty much switched off and on for the 2 hours until bedtime. Dh got home at 4:30pm, I handed ds off and got supper ready, 5-5:30pm we're eating supper, then I take ds while dh did dishes, at 6pm dh took ds while I got the bath and bedroom ready, then I did most bath/nurse/bed while dh prepared for the next days' classes. He'd come upstairs for book time though.

So he didn't get any actual downtime after he got home until I was getting ds to sleep. We just traded off childcare and household duties. It's pretty much the same since I returned work, except dh does bedtime now.
Eta: he already had a fair appreciation for how tiring full time child responsibility is, and then, when he was SAHD for 2 months last summer it further opened his eyes

[Willis Jackson]

DH takes the kids right when he gets home and gets them out of my hair while I make dinner. We all eat together and then he cleans up while I read with the kids on the couch. Then we all clean up toys and DH gives them a bath. We each put one kid to bed.

When my morning sickness was horrible, DH did everything (kids, making dinner, cleaning, tucking in) himself while I moaned on the couch/went to bed at 6:30.

[rex]

oh, for MOTN we did that I was on when he had to work the next day. on his days off the MOTN was his.

now on his day off he gets L up and feeds her in the am and preps bottles.

[spanikopita]

DH definitely knows that I need a break, but it doesn't come until after the kids are in bed. Then he's on baby duty in case the 4 month old wakes, so I can go to bed early or watch TV or whatever.

When he walks in the door, we eat dinner & he takes the 4 yo to our basement and they play for an hour. I clean up dinner/tend to baby.

He does shower & DS's stories. I put the baby down. Occasionally we switch.

After they are both down, he's on duty. MOTN is mostly all me (the baby) unless DS wakes. Then he handles him.

[scribellesam]

We've had a lot of conflict on this subject but have settled into a routine that works for us. He comes home around when I'm starting dinner and hangs out with DS. After we have dinner, I clean up while he takes DS to play in the nursery. I do bath and bedtime most nights with a little help from DH. When DS wakes up MOTN, I handle it. It's a bit less equal maybe than what I see on here but I'm okay with it, especially now that DS STTN nearly every night.

[meltoine]

We both keep working until the work is done, and then we relax (together or separately). He agrees that just because his outside job is done doesn't mean that his day is over. When he gets home he jumps right in and we do whatever is left together, be it bath, bed, dishes, laundry, whatever. He trusts that I get as much done during the day as I can and that I'm not leaving stuff for him intentionally. Once the kids are in bed and the chores are done, we both are off the clock. But if one of us is working, the other is. 

*Exception to this are the days I nap with the kids, but I justify that because I do all night wakings law one for the most part, so I add my extra sleep back in with a nap once or twice a week. 

[ladygrey]

DH takes over baby duty from me when he walks in the door. It's only about 1.5 hours until DD goes to bed, so he's more than happy to spend that time with the baby (playing, solids, bath, books, etc.) while I finish preparing dinner or just have some alone time. I nurse her before bedtime, then the two of us eat dinner and spend the rest of the evening just hanging out and relaxing together. I do all of the MOTN wakeups (usually 1-2 times) since I am nursing and also have the more flexible schedule by SAH.

[Deleted]

DH takes the kids for a few minutes when he gets home, so I can get dinner going and decompress a little. We both take evening "breaks" - I need to get back into something regular now that DD is older. DH has floor hockey on Mondays, and then other commitments (board meetings, school events) that sometimes take him on more evenings. This week, it's three work events where he won't be home until 10. I wish he at least got paid OT to soften the blow, but no.

I feed the baby (because I'm bf-ing), but other than that we both do bedtime. Now that there's two, he typically puts the baby down while I do bath and teeth for DS, then he'll do pjs and stories. Sometimes I do it all, sometimes he does it all.

I do DD wakeups. He does DS wakeups. When it was just one baby, I did all the wakeups for a jillion years. Two kids has been great for equalizing things around here.

He definitely thinks what I do is important and sees how it benefits him. I don't think "equivalent" is really fair as being at home has much more flexibility than his job - but he does know if he wants me to be happy and thus everyone else to be happy, he better help me get enough sleep.

[drloretta]

Feb 12, 2014 8:24:18 GMT -5 @lcap said:

How do you handle night duties wrt childcare when your H comes home?

It's varied, but generally speaking, he watches DD while i make dinner, at the very least

Is he understanding about you needing a break? Or does he feel like he needs a break after working all day/commuting?

Somewhere on between. He recognizes i need a little downtime, but so does he. Wr make it work

How do you split tasks like bath/story/bed time?

When possible, he does bath and o do bed. Sometimes he does both. He prefers to do bath, i prefer to do bed

MOTN wake ups? 

N/A for the most part. When she wad tiny I did MOTN during the week, he did weekends



Do you feel like he sees what you do as "work" that is equivalent to what he does?

It's a different kind of work, but yes, he recognizes its value

[holly116]

I'm I the middle of running around to get the house together for a play date, but I had to respond quickly, sorry if this has already been said!

First off, hugs. Secondly, does your DH value your opinion? Like, seriously, does he trust your judgement? I guessing the answer is of course! So you need to ask him why he's ignoring you or shoving you off when you are so clearly telling him that you need a break.

My DH is super competitive by nature. So if I say, wow, I'm exhausted, it can be an immediate, "well I'm MORE exhausted and here's a list of reasons why...." I do not want to hear it lol. It's not a competition! FFS! I have to remind him that hi, we're on the same team! If I'm dragging, we're both going down. And I try my hardest to extend the same courtesy. Because I hate feeling like I need to stand on a table and scream for him to hear me, and really he doesn't want that, even if he momentarily "wins". The fallout isn't worth it and his life will be super rough if I peace out and legitimately go crazy.

So, do you think you can appeal to your DH's rational side and explain that really, it doesn't matter why or how or who has it worse but that you're his partner and he needs to hear you and give you what you need when you ask for it? And in this case, he needs to figure out how to decompress on his drive home because when he walks in the door, you're going to need a minute.

In our house, DH is the primary parent for the older two when he's home. He feeds them, washes hands, bath time, jammies, stories before bed and any middle of the night waking. I've got the baby because I'm nursing. This is what works today, nothing is in stone and we really do try and help each other most of the time lol.

He usually calls on the way home from work to see how the day has gone. If I've had a rough one, he literally comes to my rescue and pushes whatever he had in mind to the back burner. If it's been a good day for me, he may suggest something for him like wanting to run when he gets home. And I'm agreeable to it, because again, I want that same courtesy. Same team, you guys are on the same team.

[Stingyshark]

DH is on baby duty from the time he gets home until 10pm. He tries really hard to make sure she is asleep by 10 so I can get some sleep. But, the last 2 weeks she has decided she would rather have mommy rock her to sleep- she screams until DH hands her over, then she calms right down. Wth,kid?

I handle the MOTN wake ups. Waking DH up is like trying to wake the dead. He sleeps so hard. Plus, he has to get up at 5 for work.

I think he know I'm not just sitting at home enjoying myself.

[loskadoodle]

Dh usually takes him to the park or just plays with him while I make dinner. We all eat and clean up then take the dog for a walk. Ds gets a cup of milk and them we all go up for bath time. I get bath and stuff ready, dh plays and gets kid undressed. Dh does most of the bath, I dry and brush teeth. We both do pjs and then we alternate who does books. Ds doesn't need much at bed time though. We just read books and ten the light off and put him in the crib so that makes it easy for everyone.

[MadamePresident]

When my husband gets home, Nods will usually spend some time with him. She kind of takes the lead on how much. We eat dinner soon after my husband gets home. After dinner we usually just hang out until bedtime. Nods will roam around hanging out with either one of us. Neither of us is officially "in charge".

I usually get her ready for bed, but my husband does bedtime. We found that she goes to bed much much easier for him. Occasionally he will go to her when she wakes at 10:30, but I do the rest of the middle of the night wakings. It would be nice if he could help, but typically, I can nurse her and get her back to sleep in 30 minutes, whereas she would be up for a LONG time with him. I do get to nap with her sometimes, so that helps to make up for things. Although I'm pregnant, so I need the extra sleep anyways.

[everafter07]

I SAH 3 days a week. He gets home at 5:45, and takes over. He usually gives her her last bottle at about 7, then I put her to bed. On bath nights, I take a bath with her while DH washes her bottles/cloth diapers, and visits with us a little. He's absolutely understanding about my needing a break! I only take a break for a few minutes though, and then I'm cooking dinner, cleaning up or doing freelance while they play.

DH generally does the one-off MOTNs (she only wakes up once in a blue moon, hope I'm not jinxing myself), but if she's sick or teething and up more often, we both get up or we split it. He's much better on less sleep than I am.

He's stayed home with her before when she's been sick and he absolutely understands that it's tiring being a SAHP. He in no way makes me feel like he has it harder than me. Good thing too, because that shit won't fly in this house

[Deleted]

It's hard in our house, because H isn't done with work until 8 most nights. When he gets in though he eats with her, plays with her, brushes teeth and then I put her to bed. We both kind of unwind after that. I try to schedule my day so we catch that break together at night. He gets done early on Saturday nights and he's really helpful then.

The perk is he's usually around for lunch so he plays with her while I do house stuff, make calls, helps with what I ask etc.

A lot of it is on me just because of his job, but he's more than helpful and appreciative of anything and everything I do. He also knows that he couldn't run this farm and have a family if I worked more than my usual 2 days a week, so he shuts it.

If I need a break, he'll take her no problem or ask his mom too, call our sitter etc. He has no issues with that. He really does encourage my downtime.

I do the MOTN of the night stuff. I'm picky about it, his job is demanding/high stress/physical. I wake up anyways. Also, we learned long ago both of us crabby and sleep deprived gets us nowhere.

So I do a lot, but he understands basically.

[ryry]

Feb 12, 2014 8:41:42 GMT -5 bunch said:

We divide and conquer. We usually eat within a few mins of dh getting home. After dinner I do dishes while he does baths. He dresses one kid for bed while he does the other. I nurse baby while he reads books.

There are definitely days when I feel like I have to prod him along, but he gets that we can both relax at 8 when dd1 goes to bed. It's also the only time that he gets to spend with the kids on the week days, so he's glad to interact with them as much as possible.

Eta: I do all motn unless it's a really bad night because he gets up at 5:30 and commutes 45 mins. It works for us

This is almost exactly what we do. DH gets that it's a lot of work being home (and I'm pretty sure being a SAHD would be his worst nightmare), but there's no really 'off' time for either of us now that we have two. And we both worked when we had one, so I'm not sure how we would have done it.

We eat almost as soon as DH gets home (6 pm), and then I nurse the baby will DH plays with DD1. At 6:45ish it's time for DD1 to start getting ready for bed, and usually I help her with that will DH entertains DD2. I read stories to DD1 at 7 and DH usually lets DD2 nap on him for about an hour, and then I nurse her to sleep around 8:30. DH has never done anything MOTN related--it's just easier for me. 

I do wish he'd step up more on the weekends though, because I need some kid free time!

[Deleted]

I do most of the child care even after DH comes home from work. I have no problem with this. I get to work out, read, etc. while he is at work so I want him to gave that opportunity too. It's not like he's sitting on his butt all night while I'm doing stuff. But if he wants to go for a run after supper, check his email, or meet his friends for a beer, I'm ok with that. He very rarely did the MOTN wake ups because he has to get up 1.5 hours earlier than I do. 

[urbancowgirl]

When H is done with work (he works from home), we split dinner and bedtime duties. He gets that I need a break, so he'll usually take the baby right away while I prep dinner. After we eat dinner, I'll get DS ready for bed and then DH gives him a bottle and reads him a story. Overall, I'm happy with the way we do things.

ETA:  DS hasn't been waking up MOTN for a few months, but on the rare occasion he does, DH handles it.  We'll probably start splitting MOTN duties now that I've weaned.

[runblondie26]

Not SAH anymore, but he gives be a break to go running and does little chores like the dishes and folding laundry.

Even the few nights a week he's home, I do the early morning feelings though. There's no way I'd put up with that BS division of work if he had a standard desk job. However, I fully support the fact that me being tired at my desk job is not the same as him going to work tired, so I take over that duty.