WWIND? - Extensive trip to hometown

[potatopie]

There are three events I want to go back to the US for this year. The first is a family trip in June, then a week at my parent's cabin in July, then my sister's wedding in September.

Issues to consider:

• Two roundtrips (putting June/July events together) less than 3 months apart is a lot, financially and physically
  
• DH wasn't planning on coming on either trip
  
• Traveling alone with a 1 year old on that long a trip is stressful for me and him
  
• The June/July trip is more bang for the buck in terms of quality family time since all my siblings are on academic schedules and there are at least 2 full weeks of vacation time planned
  
• But I can't miss my sister's wedding!

I'm considering just staying in the US for 4 months. This would require me to quit my job (which I was going to at the end of year anyway) and be away from DH for that period...including DS's 1st birthday. The thing is that I'm really feeling the need for some serious time with my family, so that would be good. And DH has been stressed with work and DS this year, maybe he'd actually appreciate some time to focus on his work? He does like his alone time, and we have been very demanding of his time and attention this year.

Of course, I'll discuss it with him, but I just wanted to get some opinions. I'm VERY close with my family if that makes a difference. Close enough that I have to walk a fine line to make sure DH doesn't feel like I'm choosing them over him entirely...hence thinking it through over here first. 

Also note: I could possibly get DH to come for a couple weeks end of June/early July, but after that he's teaching, so wouldn't be able to come.

WWIND?

[Deleted]

I don't know. I voted staying for 4 months, but if you could afford the two trips and could leave DS at home for the wedding, then that would be pretty awesome and you could enjoy the wedding without worrying about a babysitter that you might not be comfortable with. I know my H would be ok with the 4 month stay even if he weren't too excited about it, but would your H not want to come for even a little bit of the vacation?

[Deleted]

I would say stay for the 4 months and have your H come for a week or two in the middle of it to see your family and you/DS... But that is more what I would do in the situation, I think. Then again, my baby isn't here yet and I don't know how I would feel about him being away from baby for that long. *sigh* I'm no help at all, sorry!

[dulcemariamar]

How much time could your DH stay with you guys if you go for four months? I know having a baby break is great but I wouldnt go longer than two weeks. I might be the minority here but I think it is more important for your DS to be around his Dad than his extended family and IMO four months is way too long.

[potatopie]

it wouldn't be much time for DH to come because he's a)planning to go to the world cup and b) will start his busy semester middle of july. So maybe 2 weeks in June/July at most.

[echo]

Based on what you said I would go ahead and quit my job amd stay the four months.from what you're saying that sounds like what you want to do and would in the long run be easier.I can't imagine missing my sister's wedding.

[azure]

I would go for 4 months and have your H come over for a few weeks.

If that turns out not be be an option for you, then I would go for the family trip in June/July and then go by myself for the wedding and stay 10 days-two weeks.

[Deleted]

I don't have kids, but here's my opinion all the same.

I voted for the 4 months. With Skype and FaceTime DS could get to talk to his dad a lot still, and in the long run I don't think it would be that detrimental - military families do similar or worse. I definitely understand the desire for family time - I miss mine a lot, where as DH is not as close and doesn't crave that time with them.

[potatopie]

Feb 14, 2014 8:22:16 GMT -5 azure said:

If that turns out not be be an option for you, then I would go for the family trip in June/July and then go by myself for the wedding and stay 10 days-two weeks.

this is my second choice/ other most viable option if the 4 month thing is too much.

echo is right that I would like to do the 4 month trip. Mostly I'm just trying to gauge whether or not it sounds too crazy. DH would have to be on board though. I'll need to encourage him to give his opinion, he likes to "not influence my decisions". Duh, honey, your opinion will always influence my decisions!

I'm thinking he might be of the same mind with you, dulcemariamar. But we'll see, he might need a rest too. He's an independent guy. Whatever the case, I'll certainly find a compromise with him.

[dublin]

I voted for 2 round-trips and only take DS on one. If you DH doesn't come to the US during the June/July visit then it works out the same price. And if it means you don't have to quit your job than you make up the cost of the extra flight. Physically yes that's a lot of flying but if you do the second trip by yourself it will be a breeze without DS! I flew to the US by myself for my Grandmother's 90th bday and I have never enjoyed an long-haul economy flight more (finally a chance to watch a movie uninterrupted!) I think four-months is too long for your DH and DS to be apart.

This would also give you quality time with your family (as you mentioned they would have time off during this period too) and give your DH some alone time (although I did wonder why you feel bad you've been taking up a lot of his time considering you've just had a baby?) And of course you'll get some time by yourself which is also important.

[glitterfart]

I first voted for the four months, but I think Dublin has a point, so I'd change mine.

[anna7602]

How far apart are the events in June & July? Is going for one full month at that time an option? So that you could make the family trip and the time at your parents' cabin with your LO? And then perhaps go back for the wedding on your own later?

While the idea of quitting your job and taking 4 months off on your own sounds dreamy, it sounds decidedly less dreamy to me when a small child is involved. I did an entire grad school summer abroad program away from DH when we were already married and it was amazing. But, I wouldn't want to sign up for solo child care duties for 4 months. I feel like I would be ready to send DD back on a plane to Daddy within about a month.

But, I also found it very stressful to be around my family for extended periods of time when DD was little. All of my siblings have older kids and no one remembered why naps are important or why babies/toddlers cry when they are cranky/overstimulated and in general, just made me feel like I was a crazy first-time mom who needed to relax and just throw all concerns about DD out the window. So clearly I bring some emotional baggage to this question! Regardless, 4 months still seems like a long time to be away if the three of you aren't used to that. (FWIW, I know a handful of moms who regularly go back to their home countries for the entire summer with their kids, without the spouse, and it works out fine. It's really a matter of what you think YOU can handle. I couldn't do it without having a nervous breakdown, I suspect.)

[potatopie]

I could definitely handle it. my parents and siblings are all super helpful and we get along well. only problem is my mom likes to share her opinion. she wouldn't do anything bad, just often disagrees with what DH wants. And my sister has a newborn, so everyone's in similar boats.

But, yeah, I agree that dublin made a good point. I hate to think that my extended family will miss another chance to see DS at the wedding, but it seems the most reasonable. Though, leaving DH alone with him actually would not work at this stage. He would need to prove himself a LOT more reliable with childcare. 10 days would be too much for him.

[dulcemariamar]

I didnt get to post a longer reply but I agree with Anna. My parents are super helpful and have no problem following my LO's schedule but I would hate to take on solo parenting duties for four months. I know you said that your DH needs a break but wouldnt it be hard to adjust after four months of not having to parent?

I agree about going alone on the second trip if you feel comfortable about leaving your LO behind. You also need a break. I am not sure what you mean about your DH becoming more reliable. Does he just parent differently? Maybe, it would be good. Like a sink or swim type of situation.

[pittpurple]

Hiya. Obviously everyone's family dynamic is different - I would never be able to live in either of my parent's houses for 4 months. My DH travels for work once a month or so and I hate sole parenting, it's exhausting. But he's always done at least 50% of the work so it's really obvious when he's not here. It just sounds like there's more going on here than these trips - is your DH not helping? Is he just really busy with work? How would that work if you were to travel on your own?

I wouldn't be able to take LO away for 4 months - I went out to the states before him for a couple weeks and he really missed her (and we missed him!) so it would be a non-starter for me.

I think I'd be more inclined to miss the family trips and go for the wedding, but it depends on the situation with the different events, you'll obviously know best which are more important.

[Cheesecake]

On the app, so can't vote, but I would never be able/willing to stay away from DH for 4 months, it would've been horrible before baby, but with baby I can't even imagine staying away for 2 weeks. They change so fast at this age, and your DH missing a third of his son's life at that point, that seems awful to me.
If I really wanted to spend a lot of time with family, I would go a week before DH could join and stay a week after (so 4 weeks total, 2 together and DH doesn't miss more than 1 week in a row and then fly out again for the wedding for a week with or without baby.

Sent from my Xperia Z, please don't mind typos!

[potatopie]

the solo parenting is not a problem. I'm essentially doing that now. just started back at work last week and DH is trying to step it up a bit, but it's still mostly all me (that's what I mean when he needs to become more reliable). TBH, being with my parents is way more of a break for me because, even if they only do some of the baby stuff, they would cover all the other things like cooking, cleaning, and errands! (Yes, we have some serious division of labor issues - we'll leave that for another discussion).

But, I agree that being away for that long is a big deal. Especially with DS's first birthday in the mix. I think I'll just mention this possibility to DH and see what he says, but with the intention of doing the two roundtrips/one on my own option. I'm starting to think that it wouldn't be good even if he liked the plan....I want him to be more involved as a parent and this would just be an easy way out for him.

[allibally]

I would go. Maybe because I took a 1 month trip to see my family (no kids) but I think it's important to take time to fulfill your wants and needs. I know we have similar family life. And I can see why you would want to stay 4 months.

Also my dad did a year long tour of duty when I was very young and my brother was a baby. I don't think it "damaged" us. It was a good opportunity for him and my mom moved us to WI for the year for family support.

It's 4 months and may not be ideal being separated. But I don't think you will come out at the end wishing you didn't do it.

[glitterfart]

Potato, any news on the trip front?

[potatopie]

Feb 18, 2014 3:14:16 GMT -5 glitterfart said:

Potato, any news on the trip front?

Still looking at ticket prices. But I was having a conversation with DH the other day and he balked when I said I was planning on staying 4.5 weeks in June/July. So I guess he wouldn't like the idea of 4 months. And I'm leaning to the two trips/one without DS anyway.

I kind of jokingly said I could just stay all summer until the wedding and he didn't react quite as badly, surprisingly. But that's all that happened. We'll need to talk about it more seriously soon.

But I'm still unsure about leaving him with DS alone...but there's time to improve. We'll see.


IN SUM: no, nothing new. I'll keep you guys posted though. Thanks for asking!