Marriage Problems After Baby?

[jennlin]

Honestly, after bjl, things were fantastic--never been so in love, etc. The boy, however has really put a toll on us. We are sleeping fine, but we have zero downtime throughout the day bc the boy does NOT nap unless he is held and we are so exhausted. The house is trashed, we snap at each other..and I'm still gonna point my fingers and say it's his fault. He doesn't have as much patience as I do (dad vs mom thing), and I honestly can't trust him to respond to the baby the way I think he needs to, especially when he's exhausted. This makes me on baby duty 100%, and him on cleaning duty 100% and we are resenting each other for it.

Not really sure how long this lasts--but this is where we are at currently.

[jamer]

Ours was mostly til baby was sleeping thoroughly the night- about 4 1/2 months. We still had issues pop up more often in the summer with his golf outings every weekend which we didn't have before baby. I'm assuming things will get bad again when new baby comes but hopefully we can try and manage a bit better since we know what we are in for. I hope you guys can communicate and work things out ASAP

[7costanza]

The past 6 months have been the hardest in our marriage, by far. I think (hope) we're coming out of it now but it's definitely been tough. Talking about it has helped, and trying to have date nights without the baby, although some of the dates have been horribly awkward since it's hard to find non-baby topics when our lives are just so consumed by the little guy right now. I also really need to force myself to initiate sex, I'm still nursing and just don't have much desire right now but I know it helps us feel closer. I also remind myself that one of the best things we can do is show the baby what a healthy relationship looks like (fighting fair, making up, showing kindness, etc). I try to apply the relationship thing to all relationships, not just our marriage. I don't really have any other tips though since we are in the thick of it right now.

Oh - does your H have friends with kids? I think having people going through the same thing you can turn to is so important. We're in a PEPS group and it's been awesome! And You have this group of ladies, but does he have a good support system as well?

[7costanza]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can totally relate to the lack of a connection thing, it's not like we're fighting but there is just so little time for anything but house and baby care. I wish I had better advice for you. Hang in there!

[georgeharrison]

Tman is 8.5 so I don't really remember specifics, but YES! Our marriage was THE WORST! Now, part of that, I think, is because Tman was a honeymoon surprise. He was born 9 months and 4 days after our wedding. We weren't really adjusted to each other and then here came this other hugs adjustment. Anyway, for us, there was huge resentment on my part. When James came home from work, he would play video games until, sometimes, 3am. I was in charge of Tman about 99%, and I was being completely neglected. We finally came back and "clicked" again when Tman was almost 2. We moved, I quit my job, and the more defined roles (me being a SAHM and James being the bread winner) made things way better. WAY WAY WAY better. I know that's not a popular solution these days, but it really worked for us. We have a pretty fantastic marriage most days. I don't have any specific advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that things were the suckiest for us, but we came through it. Hugs to you and lots of luck.

[toratoratori]

I don't have any experience to draw off of, but I appreciate this thread in advance.

Have you guys thought about counseling? It doesn't sound like many other people on here have used it during the post baby period (or at least they didn't mention it), but I love it. My husband is also not a big talker, and counseling is a great tool (especially if you have a counselor who's not afraid to make him answer questions and hold him accountable) that we've used during other rough patches in our marriage.

I can recommend a wonderful guy in Tukwila, who we saw just after moving up here. If you're interested, let me know.

[Deleted]

I think for us it wasn't too bad but H did feel neglected for the first while

At the Mother's group that I attend we had a speaker come and do a "topic" on Marriage/Relationships and what makes it so important to focus on things as a couple. Anyway it was amazing and one of the things she said was that if you as a couple aren't feeling emotionally connected and finding time can be difficult the book: The Bead Method, can be super helpful. She said that a mans needs are small when he feels happy with his marriage and the easiest way to do that is to get his "love tank" full by having sex.

Sometimes we really don't feel like it but that's where the book came in.. I thought it was some super advice/reading so I just wanted to pass it on.

[shevacc]

We actually just went to a marriage workshop this weekend and found it really helpful. It's slightly different than counseling but designed to heal relationships and make them stronger (http://www.gottman.com/marriage-couples/). We're actually doing fine now but went through a rough patch back in October, when G was around 18 months old. For us, the baby year was challenging, but knowing it was temporary made a big difference. When we still seemed to have no time for each other as G was getting older, we started to drift apart. The friction kept building until we didn't talk to each other for several days, which sucked. At that point, we both sucked up our resentments, sat down, and talked, determining that 1. we wanted to make things better 2. we needed to reconnect and 3. we each needed a few things from each other (DH needs to workout regularly and I need things relatively picked up at home). We also decided then to go to a marriage workshop -- it just didn't fit into our schedule until this past weekend.

Anyway, between October and now things have gotten tons better. A lot of it was little things we changed and some of it was both of us deciding to be open to making things better. Here's what helped us: we started making an effort to appreciate the little things each other did (thanks for taking out the trash, thanks for coming home half an hour earlier to eat dinner together). We also tried to spend a little time together most evenings after G was sleeping. Previously I had been nursing her to sleep then playing on my laptop upstairs until going to bed. I started coming downstairs nearly every night for ~an hour so we could watch tv together, or occasionally play a game (board game or video game). Those few minutes a day really helped us connect, which naturally led to a stronger physical relationship. All of that together seemed to help.

If the workshop is a no-go, the Gottmans have a blog and have published a bunch of books on making relationships work. (www.gottmanblog.com/) I had checked out one of their books from the library before signing up for the workshop and found the tips to be helpful. They have one specifically for new parents called "And Baby Makes 3" and a bunch of ones for couples.

[niq]

Feb 17, 2014 16:09:09 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

niq, male perspective?

msniq is on GBCN, so, uh ...

[msniq]

Feb 17, 2014 19:50:07 GMT -5 niq said:

Feb 17, 2014 16:09:09 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

niq, male perspective?

msniq is on GBCN, so, uh ...

Aww, come on, clue me in.

[niq]

Feb 17, 2014 20:24:47 GMT -5 msniq said:

Feb 17, 2014 19:50:07 GMT -5 niq said:

msniq is on GBCN, so, uh ...

Aww, come on, clue me in.

...

...

[niq]

Feb 17, 2014 16:08:27 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

never been the case before. And from our discussion this weekend he is resentful of that and feels like I'm not pulling my weight. Which is sort of true, but I had a baby and I do 90% of the baby care and I've been doing the heavy lifting financially for years, so it's also pretty unfair to be mad about it now. Sorry, more venting.

Is this the big thing that is making him resentful right now? Because that is a whole 'nother level of stress and anxiety beyond the regular sleep deprivation and "always on" nature of being a parent to a tiny human.

[larzhope]

I'm sorry Jennuine - this is so tough and I hope you can get back on track.

H and I actually had a conversation a few weeks ago about how we *might* be open to have a kid in the future, but I have to be honest, one of my hugest hesitations about kids (besides all the vomit.. hehe) is the strain it would put on our marriage. This thread is at least a dose of reality check for me in that regard.

[ashleyp728]

@jennuinne I can't really give any encouraging words since I'm at about the same place as you. We have so many things going on, I'm super stressed, he works nights and doesn't sleep well during the day with the baby, there is a lot of snapping at each other happening. Just know that you're not alone in the struggle. I hope you won't feel this way for long.

[jennlin]

I just came across this article and find it to be very fitting for where a lot if us are right now..

m.today.com/moms/duggars-7-tips-keeping-your-marriage-sexy-even-after-lot-2D12106530

@jennuinne, 4&5 remind me of things your h may need to work on. Would it work if you sent him the article? That's how I usually get the point across to my h...I will be sending him this article now!

[niq]

I keep writing and deleting and rewriting and deleting a reply to this thread.

Things are different. Because there's so much more to do now, we either have to learn to let things slide if they're not actually critical, budget more time for things like leaving the house because something inevitably goes wrong, etc. There are lots of opportunities for scorekeeping, discounting your partner's work as "not real work", and building resentment. It's hard to avoid them all; I think we avoid a lot of them but I'm sure we're not perfect.

And that doesn't even count the changes in hormones (for mom and dad), sleep, increased physical exertion, and lack both "me time" or even "us time" compared to life pre-baby.

I think (hope?) as kids get a little more self-sufficient, things get less hectic. More sleep, less physical exertion, more time to let the kid go play and mom and dad to be mom and dad, easier to do date nights, etc.

[jennlin]

Oh I thought I should add that we finally got the house cleaner that I've wanted for years. Since h and I have been going through our rough patch right now, I try to pull every opportunity to stop and discuss our expectations etc. Last night, I stopped him and he was like "do we have to?" He said having the house cleaner has relieved a lot of his stress and he feels much better. I guess he doesn't realize I'm still mad at him .

[jennlin]

Feb 18, 2014 14:02:22 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

Feb 18, 2014 13:58:07 GMT -5 jennlin said:

Oh I thought I should add that we finally got the house cleaner that I've wanted for years. Since h and I have been going through our rough patch right now, I try to pull every opportunity to stop and discuss our expectations etc. Last night, I stopped him and he was like "do we have to?" He said having the house cleaner has relieved a lot of his stress and he feels much better. I guess he doesn't realize I'm still mad at him .

This would be lovely if we had any money.  

Maybe you should tell him.  I think the source of a lot of our issues is that my H never says he's upset and let's it build up until it's a huge problem and then I'm like WTF just happened?  I'm not so quiet when I'm upset.  

Oh he knows I'm mad at him. I just meant that he didn't realize that I could still be mad at him even though HE feels better.

[mkate710]

I am 110% in the same boat as larzhope on this topic. I just want to say, one, thank you ALL for being so real about the struggles of life with little ones over here. I know so many people IRL who only tell us how awesome family life is post baby and I have to think they're not telling the whole story. I don't pop over here super often but its good to get a dose of reality. And two, I am thinking good thoughts for all of you dealing with this right now, I hope and pray its a quickly passing phase and that things get better very soon. You are all amazing parents and your kiddos are lucky to have you guys as role models

[Deleted]

Feb 18, 2014 19:41:52 GMT -5 mkate710 said:

I am 110% in the same boat as larzhope on this topic. I just want to say, one, thank you ALL for being so real about the struggles of life with little ones over here. I know so many people IRL who only tell us how awesome family life is post baby and I have to think they're not telling the whole story. I don't pop over here super often but its good to get a dose of reality. And two, I am thinking good thoughts for all of you dealing with this right now, I hope and pray its a quickly passing phase and that things get better very soon. You are all amazing parents and your kiddos are lucky to have you guys as role models

All of this! I know I am still pre-marriage but all of your frank and candid advice REALLY gives me something to consider post wedding. 

I hope all of you ladies make through your respective difficulties with all your sanity.  

[larzhope]

Agree with mkate710 and @aellasbeth. i have a bunch of my people in my life who are really pushing for H and I to have kids, and so they are not very realistic preview setters with me. I hate being blindsided, and so I really appreciate the FULL picture - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Which is one of the major reasons I love lurking on this board - I feel like it's a really good balance of what life with kids is like, and I really appreciate that.

[larzhope]

Thanks spun, that's helpful.

@jennuinne - totally didn't mean to threadjack, and I hope this is short-lived for you and your H as well. Hang in there!

[Deleted]

I also wanted to just say I appreciate this thread and the honesty. Most of you know I've been having issues with H on the let's have a baby thing and while intellectually I've known that if we do, there will be the frustrations, lack of sleep, etc. but I didn't think about additional stress on our actual marriage.

**HUGS**

[cdmay]

Honestly, i'm not sure where we are at... things seem a bit off, but i'm not really sure how. Dh just finished school this week so we haveNt really started to settle into a routine that gives me a break from baby responsibilities, which i badly need. I anticipate a little counseling in our future (some preventive/communication support, some problem solving), but we'll see.

I'm sorry things are rough, J. My dh's habits aren't as pronounced s your h's, but they are similar, and it can really complicate things.

[Kahala]

So H and i were talking about fertility options last night and it spiraled into a whole discussion about his fears of how difficult its going to be with a baby and he talked about a lot of the issues that have been brought up here. It was a little unreal. I dunno that that we concluded the convo at a very good point (i cried), but we tabled the discussion and he ended up joining my friends for happy hour and we ended up having a great night.