not mm: wwyd re: party?

[Deleted]

Invite them both or neither. Don't invite your BIL and tell him she is not invited. That's puts him in a terrible position and just about forces him to choose his wife over his brother. I mean, if SIL posted here and said, "My husband is invited to his brother's bday party and I'm not," we'd all say that was garbage and that her husband should not attend.

[saraandmichael]

its your husbands party. the right thing to do is invite his brother. if she comes, you'll be busy hosting and probably drinking, so you can totally ignore her.

[starlily]

I have a similar relationship with my brother's wife. I would invite them both, hope that she doesn't show up, but just ignore her if she did. And if she actively tried to create a scene while there, I'd ask someone to tell her she could either simmer down or leave.

[pugz]

Yikes she sounds like a hosebeast

[willrun4wine]

Jul 7, 2012 22:46:30 GMT -5 pugz said:

Yikes she sounds like a hosebeast

winner winner chicken dinner! Lol

[chessie]

Jul 7, 2012 22:17:06 GMT -5 @libgrl said:

Invite them both or neither. Don't invite your BIL and tell him she is not invited. That's puts him in a terrible position and just about forces him to choose his wife over his brother. I mean, if SIL posted here and said, "My husband is invited to his brother's bday party and I'm not," we'd all say that was garbage and that her husband should not attend.

This completely. Can't have it both ways, either you invite both or invite neither. We are dealing with same thing with our siblings, we cannot invite either at this point. Think about it, how that would sound, you can come, but the one one can..yea makes you look like a complete ass even though they are the ones in the wrong.

[vanillacourage]

After reading what you wrote I wouldn't invite either of them - unless you think that your DH will be upset with you for not inviting his brother given that he doesn't have input on the guest list.

If you do feel like you need to invite them, given the history that's out in the open, I would call the brother and say "we both know there is a lot of water under the bridge that sometimes gets brought up when the family gets together. This night is about DH and I don't want there to be any drama. I'd love for you to be a part of the celebration, but if you think that things are still too tense then it's probably best if we get together another time". That puts it on him to either keep his wife in line or leave her at home.

[willrun4wine]

Chessie r u having a party? R u inviting everyone else in the fam and not them? Most of my hubs fam is two plus hrs from our house so I wonder if I should just keep it just friends. It's going to be at night, no kids and a drinking theme w live music ( think I am going to do a beer tasting) I keep going back and forth on what to do. Wish my bf wasn't down the shore to get her opinion lol.

[chessie]

Jul 8, 2012 8:42:50 GMT -5 willrun4wine said:

Chessie r u having a party? R u inviting everyone else in the fam and not them? Most of my hubs fam is two plus hrs from our house so I wonder if I should just keep it just friends. It's going to be at night, no kids and a drinking theme w live music ( think I am going to do a beer tasting) I keep going back and forth on what to do. Wish my bf wasn't down the shore to get her opinion lol.

We normally have 2 bbq's every summer. We are only going to invite parents, friends, barn friends..family from other side to avoid issues. Its way too heated still and I am not going to get into any confrontations especially since there are children involved at this point. We were considering cancelling our normal outing we have at our farm..but considering there are only one person that causes the issues, it was best not to invite that family unit which includes my brother, SIL and their 2 kids. It is what it is. There was domestic issues beginning of the year and few altercations though we had to go through with them though..we will probably never have a relationship though at this point.

[lilmel48]

I think you need to invite them both. Regardless of your feelings about her, she is married to your husbands brother. She comes with the package. She just may stay home.

[ssmjlm]

While my SIL (DH's brother's wife) isn't as bad as yours, I completely see where you're coming from. We have similar issues, esp where BIL's children are involved and how she treats them.

Honestly, since it appears to be a big family party, I would invite them and hope they don't come. We pick and choose what we invite them too b/c it's really just awkward esp since no one likes her, esp FIL.

[stumpy]

You should invite them both. I know family stuff is hard . . . but if you are inviting everyone else, you should invite them. Hopefully she won't attend or there will be so many other people there she won't get in the way.
Sorry. Family sucks sometimes.

[kathybela]

Personally I'd just have friends and no family especially if all the family lives 2+ hours away and the party is at night with drinking.

[Deleted]

Do not invite them. Your BIL is not blameless in this situation. You don't need the drama.

[315bride]

If your H would want his brother there, invite them both. She sounds like a bitch, but unfortunately it's now a package deal.

[kellbell191]

I actually think that given the backstory, I would call BIL directly be like hey here's the deal and let him decide if he wants to come alone. I would not send a formal invitation to the house but would call and invite only him.

[heygrey]

option B: just invite friends and leave out family.

why is your bil still married to this chick? i can't imagine letting my spouse treat my family so cruelly.

also, this reminds me of a health and fitness blogger who constantly wrote crap about her h's family - what they ate, what they wore, the shitty gifts they gave. but the family had pretty much caught on and started doing things as a joke (purposely wearing awful clothes, giving her specifically shitty gifts, etc). then crazy chick would write about it on her blog as if they were serious, except it was obviously a joke to everyone but her. it was a great train wreck to read, but i can't remember the name now.

[krystee]

I believe that actions have consequences and her ridiculous actions have caused her to be left out of family events. You should not have to spend an evening with a woman who has publicly humiliated you on multiple occasions simply to follow proper etiquette. Invite him via a private phone call (as opposed to an invitation that leaves her name off) and explain the situation.

[Deleted]

IDK. I guess I'm kind of a softie because I'd just invite her. I don't think you were wrong to write her back and tell her you don't trust her, but I don't think that probably helped things either. I think there comes a time to let bygones be bygones and instead of expecting an apology or a resolution to the past, just moving forward and finding a way to be able to be in the same room together.

I know this is easier said than done. We're not currently on speaking terms with BIL and his girlfriend so my advice is more idealistic than what we've practiced so far. I do think that if DH and BIL were on speaking terms, though, I'd try to include BIL and his gf in stuff like this because I wholeheartedly believe that we need to be able to share a life at some point, even if we are never "friends" it is DH's sibling and we share a family KWIM?

Good luck.

[willrun4wine]

Jul 8, 2012 12:49:01 GMT -5 heygrey said:

option B: just invite friends and leave out family.

why is your bil still married to this chick? i can't imagine letting my spouse treat my family so cruelly.

also, this reminds me of a health and fitness blogger who constantly wrote crap about her h's family - what they ate, what they wore, the shitty gifts they gave. but the family had pretty much caught on and started doing things as a joke (purposely wearing awful clothes, giving her specifically shitty gifts, etc). then crazy chick would write about it on her blog as if they were serious, except it was obviously a joke to everyone but her. it was a great train wreck to read, but i can't remember the name now.

haha, my hubby says that we should do this all the time!

[willrun4wine]

Jul 8, 2012 14:41:24 GMT -5 sexycarrot said:

Sucks that happy occasions always have to be filtered through drama like this, sorry that you are in this situation. Keep in mind the point of this--to celebrate your husband, show him he is loved, and have a happy birthday for him. Think about what you need to do to make that happen.

Would he want lots of people there? Then invite everyone including family. Then I would take vanilla's suggestion, call BIL, be sincere and honest and say something like "we want to include the 2 of you, but we do not want any drama that night. I'll leave the rest up to you", and throw your party. Maybe she won't come, maybe she will and there will be so many people you will not have to interact at all, maybe the friends being there will help her to behave differently than she does at family functions, maybe she will create drama and you will have to ignore her or ask them to leave. Who knows what will happen, but from the invitation on, you have to let it go and decide it will be a great event no matter what, and you will not give her the power to worry you or ruin the evening.

If your DH is the type who would enjoy a more intimate party and feel more celebrated that way, then cut the family and keep it to friends. That's perfectly fine, but keep in mind his family may also want to celebrate with him in some other way. That's a big milestone.

Either way, decide you are going to have fun, and don't worry once you make a decision. I threw my DH a surprise 40th and it was awesome, so I think it is great you are doing this. I will warn you, it was HARD keeping it a secret! But I did and I'm so glad I did.

Good advice, thanks so much!! All of this is good and is giving me alot to think about, I really appreciate all the responses!

Did you have your Dh's party at your house? If so, how were you able to get him out for the day?

I am thinking of telling him, but telling him a different date, like the weekend after. Bc i am going to do the back yard with lights, tikki torches etc, I don't know how I will do that all without him thinking a party is going to happen, lol. I usually like to decorate a few days before b/c day of I will be cooking and doing all the last minute preps. At least that is what I have done for my son's parties.

So much to do! I just found a guitar singer!

Thanks again ladies!

[idoinjuly]

I would just invite friends, not family. Inviting the family complicates it and do you really want to feel dread (wondering if she will show up and cause a blow up) leading up to a special party for your dh?

[mbcdefg]

I just wouldn't invite them at all.

But if your H is set on his brother being there, suck it up and invite them both, and just stay away from the bitch wife.