Post by notmyrealusername on Jul 10, 2012 0:06:29 GMT -5
My H and I have had one particular problem for most of our marriage. I don't even know how to say this it's such a long story.I guess I will just give mroe details if you have questions, but I want some neutral third-party opinions.
H has problems hearing "no" when it comes to sex. He has had sex with me while I'm asleep, both without my permission (or refusal) and even when I have explicitly told him I don't want sex. He has also performed specific sex acts that I'm not willing to do, both during consensual sex and while I'm asleep. He hasn't done any of this in a very long time. Several years. He has shown a lot of remorse and I believe him when he says he will never do it again. But I still have nightmares that I wake up and find out he is having sex with me, and then I wake up for real and have to convince myself that it was just a dream. I think it affects our intimacy, too. Our sex life is not what it has been.
I would really like to get past this, but little things keep reminding me and setting of more bad dreams. Tonight, I was bent over, working on a task and he came up behind me and started grinding against me. It put a lot of pressure on my back, and I said "ow. ouch. get off. get off!" and his response was something along the lines of "Do you want me to get off right now, because I could." So then finally I said "I MEAN MOVE" and he finally did, and got all huffy saying it was just a joke. I realize he was kidding, but i still feel so helpless and freaked out when thta kind of thing happens. So I stewed about it all night, then blew up about something small and after a few minutes of arguing, finally told him that his "joke" really upset me. H's opinion is that I am "maximizing it" and if I tried harder to get over it, things would be better between us. We have this conversation about once a year, and to me, I think it makes me feel worse that he doesn't understand why it still bothers me after all this time. But maybe he is right, and I'm just holding on to something as an excuse to be angry.
Post by notmyrealusername on Jul 10, 2012 0:09:49 GMT -5
He got upset for a really long time when I called it that. That's what he means by "maximizing it". He says I should call it what it was "Having sex while you were sleeping." Ugh. Also, he said his therapist agreed with him, which either makes me feel like I'm crazy, or he's lying.
You are not "maximizing" or whatever bullshit line he's trying to feed you. He's raped you in the past, you believe he might still think nothing of raping you now, and neither of you has sought any professional help in dealing with the situation. Please do so, for yourself, immediately.
ETA: I posted before I saw that he's apparently been in therapy. No way did his counselor tell him this wasn't a huge violation of your body and your trust. Get to a counselor of your own, please.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Jul 10, 2012 0:11:37 GMT -5
Yeah, your husband has raped you.
You say it's been several years and he's remorseful, but did you guys ever work through this with a therapist? If not - high tail it there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
How long has it been since he has done anything to you without your consent? Several years. But the last time we went through a really rough patch regarding this issue and I didn't want any physical affection (I was pregnant), he had an emotional affair. Which to me, isn't really much of step up from having sex with me while I'm asleep.
I think counseling is in order and he needs to hear from a professional that what he did is not okay and that you rightfully have some residual effects lingering from the trauma it caused you.His therapist told him that he feels too much guilt about it, and he needs to focus on the fact that he's willing to change... or something to that effect. I'm recalling what I heard, second hand through his mouth, of course.
I think people move past all sorts of things, but it sounds like you need closure and for him to know that it really hurt you.Any advice on how to do this? I really would like to get past it.
You are not "maximizing" or whatever bullshit line he's trying to feed you. He's raped you in the past, you believe he might still think nothing of raping you now, and neither of you has sought any professional help in dealing with the situation. Please do so, for yourself, immediately.
ETA: I posted before I saw that he's apparently been in therapy. No way did his counselor tell him this wasn't a huge violation of your body and your trust. Get to a counselor of your own, please.
I would like to go to counseling, or have both of us go together, but logistically it's tough. I'm a SAHM, we have no child care so we could both go together. If I went, he'd have to take off work. No family or friends in the area who could help out.
You are not "maximizing" or whatever bullshit line he's trying to feed you. He's raped you in the past, you believe he might still think nothing of raping you now, and neither of you has sought any professional help in dealing with the situation. Please do so, for yourself, immediately.
ETA: I posted before I saw that he's apparently been in therapy. No way did his counselor tell him this wasn't a huge violation of your body and your trust. Get to a counselor of your own, please.
I would like to go to counseling, or have both of us go together, but logistically it's tough. I'm a SAHM, we have no child care so we could both go together. If I went, he'd have to take off work. No family or friends in the area who could help out.
Find some child care. Get recommendations from friends or friends of friends, check out sittercity.com, etc... You need to get yourself into counseling with and without him ASAP.
Post by notmyrealusername on Jul 10, 2012 0:19:14 GMT -5
Also, I hate to admit this because I am such an advocate of counseling, but I feel like I would be so embarrassed to talk about this. Maybe that's the wrong word. I don't know. I have a hard enough time entertaining it in my own mind, or typing it to a bunch of internet strangers. I don't think I could actually say this out loud face-to-face to somebody.
I can't think of a way to really dig into the problem without professional help. I really think he needs counseling. The deceit (emotional affair while you are pregnant and touching without consent - total disregard for your feelings about it then and afterwards) is not something you can just talk out between you two.
I am sorry that happened to you. You are not crazy. He fucked up and him further downplaying it makes him a fucking asshole. I hope you are able to work out some counseling arrangement and someone to watch your child so you can go.
This is kind of what bothers me the most at this point. i feel like he needs to understand what a big deal it was to me.
I guess I will broach the subject of joint counseling with him, or individual. See what he's willing to do, and what he thinks would be possible with the kid.
(And I hear you, killercupcake. But I'm just not ready to go down that road.)
If he won't go to counselling, you need to go alone. You were raped. It affected you and still affects you to this day. Yet he minimizes it and thinks you should get over it. How are you supposed to work through this when you look at him every day and he shows no remorse or understanding of how it affects you?
This affects a person. You haven't worked through this yet and he's definitely not helping you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. FWIW, I've discovered that many men, especially when younger, don't think that it's rape. They think that once you've begun a consensual sexual relationship, it means they can have sex with you while you're asleep. They think you'd do it while awake, so why not when asleep? They often don't get why us women get mad about it. I've discussed this many of my girl friends over the years and it's happened to almost all of us. And almost all of the guys really didn't understand what we were saying. They really thought it was okay and no big deal.
Edited to come back and bold the important part, as people are assuming I think that what he did is okay. I do NOT think it's okay and I NEVER said it was.
No. He is NOT right and you have every reason to be angry. My ex used to do this kind of thing all the time. He never had sex with me in my sleep but he would physically restrain me and force me to have sex with him. He has even gone so far as to choke me. He had major control issues. You both need counseling. This is not something that you "get over" over night. If he won't consider going then I think it's time to reevaluate your relationship.
Post by kradleygirl on Jul 10, 2012 4:16:14 GMT -5
This is totally not ok. My first sexual experience was rape and it affects me with "triggers" like what you describe. My rape happened 12 years ago. It affects my relationship with my husband, so much that we went to Counselling together to resolve it. There are still some things my husband cannot approach me from. He respects that and realizes its not about him.
I don't know what I'd do if my rapist was also my husband though. Please at the very least get some Counselling.
Yeah, you really need counselling for this. Even if you can move past it, and he can understand what a huge breach of trust and security he's done, it's not going to be easy or simple. But you are going to need counselling to talk it out, especially considering it's been years and it's still lingering in your marriage. Good luck.
Post by speckledfrog on Jul 10, 2012 6:41:21 GMT -5
I am so sorry this happened to you. Aside from murdering you, he has done the worst possible thing to you.
You are basically asking how to change him and the answer is you can't. You need to get into counseling to help you work through your experiences and to help you figure out why you feel like you don't deserve better when you really, really do.
I think if he won't change, you need to get out. I think you need to get out period, but you seem to want to make it work with him. If he won't go to counseling and won't change then you need to do what's right for you and your child, and move on.
Post by Jalapeñomel on Jul 10, 2012 7:20:25 GMT -5
Not only is this rape, but he is abusing you mentally and sexually/physically. This is a cycle of abuse, making YOU feel bad for something HE did. He will not stop. You have to leave. You cannot let your child be around this man, because your child will learn from him, possibly making the same choices he is making.
This is truly one of the worst things I have read on these boards. I am sorry. I hope that you talk to a therapist for yourself and take some of the other advise you have been offered. Being in fear of your partner and traumatized by physical contact with him is no way to live.
You say it's been several years and he's remorseful, but did you guys ever work through this with a therapist? If not - high tail it there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.