I think it is easy for an outsider to say "leave, divorce him now" because we aren't in this situation. She is a victim and needs counseling and support. My sister has been in a 16 year abusive relationship and I see everything she goes through. Numerous times I have tried to get her out and she won't leave, because of the kids, because of his sick parents, because if a million other reasons...
OP, please get to a therapist. Some communities offer counseling services through the department of health and human services and also provide child care. It is affordable too. Even if he won't go with you, you need to go, yourself. Perhaps this will give you the courage and support to leave him when you are ready. But for the sake if your own well being and the safety of your child, seek help. GL
ETA: sometimes is called the mental health clinic. It is a resource for the general public and they take all kinds of insurance as well as cash. They also have many different types if counselors, social workers and therapists so if you don't like someone you can try sessions with someone else.
Marriage counseling wont turn a rapist into a good husband. It just doesn't happen.
Get some INDIVIDUAL counseling for yourself so you can finally see that heinous human being you call a husband for what he really is... and then you can leave him and find someone who doesn't RAPE YOU!
I think it is easy for an outsider to say "leave, divorce him now" because we aren't in this situation.
I don't think anyone is stupid enough to believe that it's just easy for someone who's put up with abuse to just up and leave...
But I do think it's INCREDIBLY dangerous for people to be recommending marital counseling with your rapist. Individual therapy? ABSOLUTELY! Girl needs to see what's going on with fresh eyes and to get strong. Is there any amount of marriage counseling that will fix a rapist? NO!
Post by saraandmichael on Jul 10, 2012 8:17:10 GMT -5
=(
your husband raped you. i would be hard pressed to ever get it over it.
i don't want to say leave (though i think you should) because you seem to know you're not ready for that. what i do think you need to do is get yourself into counseling to talk about it. and don't be embarrassed to talk about it...lay it out for what it is. and then try to wrap yourself around it from there.
rape is difficult enough to deal with emotionally. when you factor in the rapist is someone you trust and love, it throws a giant curve ball in there. for me, it meant shame and remorse for something i had no control over it. it was (and still sometimes is) very confusing. but i think getting yourself in a place where you know you are not overreacting and are perfectly within reason to feel the way you feel is a good step to take so that you can evaluate that next step that seems too difficult for you to take.
I think it is easy for an outsider to say "leave, divorce him now" because we aren't in this situation.
I don't think anyone is stupid enough to believe that it's just easy for someone who's put up with abuse to just up and leave...
But I do think it's INCREDIBLY dangerous for people to be recommending marital counseling with your rapist. Individual therapy? ABSOLUTELY! Girl needs to see what's going on with fresh eyes and to get strong. Is there any amount of marriage counseling that will fix a rapist? NO!
I'm not disagreeing with you. But you can put a solid plan in her hand that is 100% goingnd to work and it won't mean squat unless she is willing to do it. OP already said she isn't ready to go down that road so telling her to GTFO and divorce him isn't going to change her mind.
And as far as my sister, I have told her: I will pick you up when F is at work at this time, help you pack a bag, pick the girls up from school and take you with me and she will call me an hour before and tell me she went grocery shopping or run errands. So yeah, you can't make anyone do anything they aren't ready for, especially when they THINK the person vcan/will change if they just understand.
I'm sorry that this is happening to you but even more sorry that you are staying in a toxic relationship.
Call counselors and see if they have child care facilities or recommendations, also there are several counselors that will do sessions over the phone that you could schedule during nap or play time? I'm sure the counselor will understand that you have a child and that due to your circumstances you need to work around that.
I am not normally one to jump on the divorce train, but if he still refuses to acknowledge that what he did was wrong and it was rape (which it was) he is not in any way better. He still does not take no for an answer, and he places the blame of the situation on you ("I was just joking, you're overreacting"). If I were in your situation, I would be contacting a lawyer and getting myself somewhere safe.
Also, I hate to admit this because I am such an advocate of counseling, but I feel like I would be so embarrassed to talk about this. Maybe that's the wrong word. I don't know. I have a hard enough time entertaining it in my own mind, or typing it to a bunch of internet strangers. I don't think I could actually say this out loud face-to-face to somebody.
Please know that you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of in this situation. I know that's easy for me to say as an outsider, but please don't let these feelings stop you from getting the help you need.
I'm am so so sorry you are going through this right now. Everyone else has given some great advice so I hope you'll take some of it.
In regards to what your H has told you his counselor said about what he's done to you, don't believe a word he has said. I would bet a $500 he has never told his counselor about what he did to you and he's lying right to your face about that.
Please seek you're own counselor, NOT marriage counseling. I have a close friend that needed individual counseling and she would bring her son with her to her sessions. Do you have anyone, like a neighbor that could watch your child for an hour? If not, look in to places that offer childcare. Please just get in to therapy immediately!!! Good luck, we're here for you!
Also, I hate to admit this because I am such an advocate of counseling, but I feel like I would be so embarrassed to talk about this. Maybe that's the wrong word. I don't know. I have a hard enough time entertaining it in my own mind, or typing it to a bunch of internet strangers. I don't think I could actually say this out loud face-to-face to somebody.
Please know that you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of in this situation. I know that's easy for me to say as an outsider, but please don't let these feelings stop you from getting the help you need.
Exactly this. I'm so sorry you're going through this
My H and I have had one particular problem for most of our marriage. I don't even know how to say this it's such a long story.I guess I will just give mroe details if you have questions, but I want some neutral third-party opinions.
H has problems hearing "no" when it comes to sex. He has had sex with me while I'm asleep, both without my permission (or refusal) and even when I have explicitly told him I don't want sex. He has also performed specific sex acts that I'm not willing to do, both during consensual sex and while I'm asleep. He hasn't done any of this in a very long time. Several years. He has shown a lot of remorse and I believe him when he says he will never do it again. But I still have nightmares that I wake up and find out he is having sex with me, and then I wake up for real and have to convince myself that it was just a dream. I think it affects our intimacy, too. Our sex life is not what it has been.
I would really like to get past this, but little things keep reminding me and setting of more bad dreams. Tonight, I was bent over, working on a task and he came up behind me and started grinding against me. It put a lot of pressure on my back, and I said "ow. ouch. get off. get off!" and his response was something along the lines of "Do you want me to get off right now, because I could." So then finally I said "I MEAN MOVE" and he finally did, and got all huffy saying it was just a joke. I realize he was kidding, but i still feel so helpless and freaked out when thta kind of thing happens. So I stewed about it all night, then blew up about something small and after a few minutes of arguing, finally told him that his "joke" really upset me. H's opinion is that I am "maximizing it" and if I tried harder to get over it, things would be better between us. We have this conversation about once a year, and to me, I think it makes me feel worse that he doesn't understand why it still bothers me after all this time. But maybe he is right, and I'm just holding on to something as an excuse to be angry.
Maybe you would have an easier time letting go of smaller things, like his joke, if he hadn't fucked with your head by sleep raping you. JFC! He needs to understand that he totally disrespected you, multiple times, and it is going to take a lot of time during which he DOES respect you for you to get past it. Jokes like that? Not going to help. Seriously, people get divorced for less than this. What he did was pretty bad. If he wants you to feel better about it, he needs to get his ass in line yesterday.
FWIW, my H and I had (pre-baby) carte blanche for freaky sleep stuff, partly because it was sort of necessary with my sleep issues (I would look awake and talk in my sleep, so if I hadn't given the ok for it, it would have happened at some point accidentally). Even with permission, it has occasionally freaked out one or the other of us to wake up getting boned. I can't imagine how upsetting it would be to have this happen after you explicitly told him NO.
Also, FWIW, I think if you went to a marriage counselor and he said, "My wife is being a bitch about me raping her in her sleep," the MC's jaw would probably hit the floor, and maybe his/her eyes would pop out like in a cartoon. Indefensible. If he doesn't believe you, you two should try it. Maybe an outside opinion will finally convince him that what he did is very wrong and fucking serious.
I'm sorry that this is BS you're dealing with right now (or ever).
you are not going to get over it until he make you believe that he understands what he did was wrong, that he sees that it hurt you, and that he is sorry.
Post by Cricket0619 on Jul 10, 2012 10:26:45 GMT -5
I am so sorry he did this to you. This is NOT ok. Please go see a therapist for yourself. I know you might not be ready to leave him, but I think you need to really think about what he did to you. He raped you and this is not ok. I hope you find the help you need to get you through this.
Post by kellbell191 on Jul 10, 2012 10:34:29 GMT -5
If my husband had raped me (having sex with someone who is unconscious and cannot consent is rape) would not be something I could just get over if I tried really hard. And my DH would not have the balls to tell me to try harder to get over it.
i think you should get individual counseling so that you can come to terms with what has happened to you and to get yourself the strength you need to see what's best for you, for your sake and for your child's. fwiw, what i think is best for you is to get away from this guy, forever.
you didn't consent before, and the fact that you didn't leave right away doesn't mean you've "consented" or "gotten over it" or have somehow made it such that you aren't able to be pissed as hell and act on it now, merely by the passage of time.
Post by notmyrealusername on Jul 10, 2012 10:49:00 GMT -5
Thank you for all your words of support and advice. I am going to talk to him tonight about counseling, individual and together. I do still want to be married to him. Maybe after talking it over with someone, I may view it differently, but for now, I want to do everything I can before throwing in the towel.
Post by notmyrealusername on Jul 10, 2012 14:46:26 GMT -5
A quick update: the kiddo had a WCC today, so I asked the dr (we all share the same PCP) for a referral. I'm going to set up an appointment as soon as I get some child care. Which I'm off to do right now.