Rough seas ahoy.

[picksthemusic]

I may DD this later, so please don't quote.

I think the last year of difficulties in our lives has finally gotten to a boiling point. We're both stressed for many reasons - a lot of them big (selling the condo, not having M with us for months, the miscarriage, not having a home of our own, our home loan hanging in the balance). We have had a serious roller-coaster ride and I think it's come to a point where we may need third-party intervention. I also think I'm tired of playing second fiddle to his mom - something I'm not used to since I was always first violin in orchestra (haha). It's become more apparent lately that her opinions and feelings carry more weight with him than mine, and he's usually more inclined to take her side of things when I have an opposing opinion - and he then makes me the bad guy (prime example is the PTing issue with M a little while back). This is mainly to do with M - how his parents (one, the other, or sometimes both) make decisions about/for her without consulting me (or just going to J with what they want to do and he usually agrees). I get that they are 'just trying to help', and it's not good to look a gift-horse in the mouth. They are being extremely financially generous to us (helping with the new home purchase), and I know J doesn't want to do anything to upset them or rock the boat lest they withdraw their offer to help... but there has to be a line. Their joy in life is spoiling my daughter. Gifts, clothes, toys, giving her the best of everything. They constantly try to one-up us (at least that's how I feel - Christmas was a great example of that), and there are just some things that I'd rather be asked about when it comes to my daughter. And because J doesn't want to do anything to upset them, they pretty much get to do what they want and I get no say (or so it seems these days). And then J feels like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to keep everyone happy, worrying about the house, and then dealing with his overbearing wife/mother of his child and covering for her because his parents think she's too controlling.

I'm kind of at my wit's end here, so last night after a huge fight (which was fuled by alcohol on his part), he said, "Maybe we just weren't meant to be together," (by this point I wasn't quite listening since a lot of this was fueled by the fact that he'd been drinking most of the day and reeked of booze when he got home and still did this morning after his shower), I suggested we go to counseling because we needed to get some things on the table and learn to communicate through these things. He agreed, thankfully, so once I figure out where we're going, we're going to go.

Not sure what I need from you guys, but I really needed to vent. Like I said, I may DD, but feel free to PM me or give me sage advice if you have any.

[toratoratori]

Dan and I literally go to counseling ALL. THE. TIME. I think we've seen a counselor three or four times since we've been together, and we've only been together 4.5 years. It helps a TON. Stress and insecurities and resentments mount, and it helps to get that stuff out in the open with a neutral third party who can moderate and direct the conversation to make sure it stays productive.

Sending good vibes and hugs your way! You guys will get through this!

[georgeharrison]

crap picksthemusic!  You have been through so much, I hate that you are having to deal with this now.  I wish I had good advice for you, but all I have is hugs.  You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. 

[shevacc]

Sending lots of T&Ps -- that is a whole lot of stuff to be dealing with at once. You guys really have had a rough year. Hopefully 2014 will be much easier/less stressful. I'm so glad your H is open to counseling; the Gottman Institute is another place to look. We went to one of their workshops, and they emphasized similar things to @lauralynne's counselor. That there could be two versions of the truth and both could be equally valid, but that it's how the actions/events made you/your partner *feel* that's most important.

[jennlin]

Lots of love to you. Glad you are looking into counseling. I think being pregnant with a toddler is exhausting and hormone filled, and definitely causes a lot of stress in a marriage. Add all the other stiff you have to deal with too, I bet it's tough. You know I'm here if you need anything, even just to listen.

[karebear219]

I don't have any advice but want to offer hugs. Hang in there.

[mrslefty]

I have no advice, just internet hugs. I hope counseling helps.

[cdmay]

I'm sorry. That really is a lot to handle, and especially all at once. I totally relate to the ILs thing. It's gotten better, but it's still a struggle, and when his brother visits, all bets are off.* It definitely sounds like counseling is a good route. Do you think it's problem drinking, or just was bad timing? (Your don't have to answer that here, but i ask that to encourage you to be honest with yourself).


* Example: on his first day back to work 3 weeks after j was born and following a trip to Spokane to visit his family, with major bf issues and no help, he called after work (after already meeting up with his brother) to TELL me he was going going computer shopping and would be late.