Anyone a parent of an extremely shy child?

[thebuddhagouda]

My son wasn't quite that bad. He's perfectly comfortable just ignoring other kids at the park, but he has no desire to converse with them. My husband and I are both pretty introverted, so I assume he will be as well.

I'd say not to be too concerned. He's still so young and not yet able to verbalize things that are upsetting him. A lot will change once he can talk and be more comfortable in his environment.

Our biggest challenge right now is finding a way to honor his feelings without letting him be rude. If someone says hi to him and he doesn't want to talk, he'll either ignore or scream NO at them. We're really working on "you don't have to speak if you don't want to, but you need to at least smile or wave and acknowledge that someone is talking to you". I totally get hating small talk and being an introvert, but I don't want him to be rude.

[EmilieMadison]

Some people are shy. It's part of their personality. Also keep in mind that at 17 months, children dont really play together yet, the parallel play (or completely ignore the other kids lol).

It sounds like maybe you would like him to be more comfortable around other kids, but that his interactions with them are infrequent (kids friends and the park?). Could you join a class or other activity in which he will have the opportunity to be around other kids and get used to it?

Perhaps he truly is just very shy and there's not much you can (or should) do about it, but giving him the chance to be with peers more often might help him to learn to know that it's ok for kids to be around, even if he prefers not playing with them.

[renna]

letshike, is that him in your signature? He is adorable! Did he get a new toothbrush, LOL.

He's a first/only, right? (not asking if you're having more kids, but he is currently an only child?)

Our son IS an only child. I am a SAHM. We're a pretty close family, the 3 of us, and it is kind of very adult here since he is outnumbered 1 child to 2 adults.

When he was about your son's age he was TERRIFIED of 2 of his cousins. One was a year younger, one was 6 months younger, both were girls, and they were both pretty loud kids, like outbursts of squeals of delight. (Sweet girls, just totally not mellow like he was.)

He would just SHAKE when we would show up at grandma and grandpa's house and those other 2 girls might be there. Then he would cry because inevitably one of them would immediately bolt up to him before he got in the door and be super loud and excited and squealing in his face.

I really felt it was necessary to teach him to find his own voice, and really allow him to walk away if he didn't want to play with them. I taught him not to be RUDE, but just to say "No thank you" and walk away if he didn't want to be around them right then. And as he gained confidence IN HIMSELF and some personal power then he did so much better and eventually the shaking and nerves he felt when he saw them went away entirely.

Funny thing is that now the girl 1 year younger is his absolute BEST FRIEND EVER and the other one he is also pretty close to and loves to play with.

I think when they are a first/only (and possibly when they aren't in daycare) it is really quite a change to see the freak show* that it SEEMS that other kids' chaos is because it is so different than their controlled home environment.

(*not that I think other kids are a freak show or daycare kids or whatnot but I wonder what my kid thought with all the NOISE of other kids and seemingly chaos because his home is fairly quiet and, well, just ONE kid...absolutely not a tear-down on other kids or families and how they do things)

It also helped him if I would nicely point out other things about kids on the playground that seemed chaotic to him. I would say stuff like "Wow, that little girl is so happy to sing that song! Isn't it fun to see her having such a good time?" when really he looked like she was near hysterics with her voice level, LOL. I did NOT want him looking at other kids with a side-eye for normal kid behavior. Some kids are just louder or bolder. That is okay. He needed to learn that that's how some kids were wired, and without judgment.

Just think of it through their eyes and how different their home environment seems from, say, the playground. No wonder some kids stand there and think "This place is NUTS!" KWIM?

[savan]

Yes. DD is/was the same way. I signed her up for tumbling class at 20 months and we spent every Saturday plastered to the wall, her in my arms, while the rest of the kids played. She screamed if I so much as encouraged participating. She also would not play on park equipment if there were any other kids around. I can't tell you how many times I spent sitting with her watching the swings, waiting for all the kids to go away.

She is now almost 5 and I dare say that things have improved. She'll play on park equipment alongside other kids and on occasion it appears that she might even engage them in play. She still will not join any class. We tried dance class in the fall but had to withdraw after we couldn't get her out of the parking lot. She is still anxious around new people or in crowds. Yes, at almost 5, we are still carrying her around a lot. If she gets anxious her first response is to ask to be picked up.

We have pushed her a little to get out of her shell. We signed her up for soccer in the fall because DH was the coach. She did okay during the practices but struggled a bit in the games. She would only play back at defense and there were a couple of games where we had to bribe her on to the field. We are signing her up again for the fall season and I suspect it will go better.

I understand the feeling that your child is the only one. We attended a birthday party at a gymnastics gym last weekend and, while all the other kids were participating in group activities, DD was off on her own in a small section of play equipment. She was the only kid too scared to participate. It does get easier though. We are pretty used to the behavior at this point. I knew she wouldn't participate in the birthday party before we even got there. It's second nature to all of us now. I find the balance between respecting her shyness and interests, and feeding her anxiety, the hardest to find. I never know if I'm making the right choice.

[roxysoxy]

Your son is only 17 months old an a lot can change with his personality.  He could be going through a phase and in a few months he might be more willing to play with other children. I would continue to expose him to other children without forcing him to play with them.  

He may just be a shy person, it could be part of his personality.  I'm a very shy person as is my 6 year old daughter.  Nothing that I or anyone has done has ever made me not shy.  Believe me, I've tried.  I've gotten better about hiding it, but I'll always be shy, it's just who I am.     

[daisybuchannan]

My son is not shy.

One my good friend's daughter is very shy though. She always has been (even as a baby/toddler). My friend regrets not putting her in some sort of daycare earlier (she stays at home). Honestly, even if it's just daycare at the gym just to get them exposed and used to being around other kids.

My son goes to our gym daycare 4 mornings a week, absolutely loves it, and will still randomly cry when I drop him off. The best thing is to just smile, say "bye!" and keep going.

[thebuddhagouda]

And don't forget that it's okay if he's shy. You have to find a way to balance shyness with not being rude, but if he's more comfortable playing by himself it's not going to hurt him. He'll find ways to shine on his own.

I've already said my kid is shy and does not want to speak to people, but put him on a stage in front of a crowd and he is a rockstar and willing to sing/dance/recite whatever when other kids get shy. He just doesn't like one on one interaction.

[daisybuchannan]

Mar 10, 2014 12:31:50 GMT -5 @letshike said:

Mar 10, 2014 12:18:30 GMT -5 daisybuchannan said:

My son is not shy.

One my good friend's daughter is very shy though. She always has been (even as a baby/toddler). My friend regrets not putting her in some sort of daycare earlier (she stays at home). Honestly, even if it's just daycare at the gym just to get them exposed and used to being around other kids.

My son goes to our gym daycare 4 mornings a week, absolutely loves it, and will still randomly cry when I drop him off. The best thing is to just smile, say "bye!" and keep going.

We have a child development center on base that has drop in hours. I took him there for 2 hours two different times. The ladies that work there said he cried on and off each time. I'm only with taking him there but I also don't want to scare the shit out of him. I'm not sure how many times I should try. I know it's normal for kids to cry at first but on and off for two hours? Yikes.

That sounds totally normal!

It took my friends son (he's in the same daycare as Connor during the same timeframe) a long time before he stopped crying. He'd play, have fun, look around and notice mom was gone, and start crying again. It really is developmentally normal.

[savan]

Mar 10, 2014 12:28:55 GMT -5 @letshike said:

@aliciar part of where I struggle right now is finding a balance between pushing him and not pushing him. I obviously don't want to terrify him but I also want him to figure out that there isn't a reason for me to HAVE to hold him when other kids are around. Does that make sense? When I talked to the pedi at 9 months she said some moms hold on tight to shy kids, some drop shy kids in the middle of a room of other kids and make them deal, and some try to do a little of both. I'm trying to do a little of both but I feel like I constantly question myself.

renna yup, he is an only child! I'm glad you and savan shared that you've been through it. I love love love that my son is sensitive and I even love that he is shy, I just don't know what to do when he seems so scared.

Thanks kooshball. His glasses kill me. He just got them a few weeks ago.

Like I said above, I still struggle with this.  Honestly, at your son's age I wouldn't, and didn't, push at all.  He's still so young.  It was only at 4 that I started to see that DD wasn't going to outgrow it and started to push a little.  I mean, she has to walk into her kindergarten classroom in September.  At this point I have to push her a little to make sure that's successful.  But now she's old enough to understand, she feels safer in her world, and she's able to fully communicate her feelings.  

[thebuddhagouda]

Mar 10, 2014 12:31:50 GMT -5 @letshike said:

Mar 10, 2014 12:18:30 GMT -5 daisybuchannan said:

My son is not shy.

One my good friend's daughter is very shy though. She always has been (even as a baby/toddler). My friend regrets not putting her in some sort of daycare earlier (she stays at home). Honestly, even if it's just daycare at the gym just to get them exposed and used to being around other kids.

My son goes to our gym daycare 4 mornings a week, absolutely loves it, and will still randomly cry when I drop him off. The best thing is to just smile, say "bye!" and keep going.

We have a child development center on base that has drop in hours. I took him there for 2 hours two different times. The ladies that work there said he cried on and off each time. I'm okay with taking him there but I also don't want to scare the shit out of him. I'm not sure how many times I should try. I know it's normal for kids to cry at first but on and off for two hours? Yikes.

The thing is, for this to work you're going to have to be consistent. If you only take once in a blue moon, he will cry every time. You have to take him habitually for it to become something he's used to. You also have to be okay with leaving him while he's crying, so if you don't think you can do that I wouldn't try it. It's all developmentally normal at this age.

[renna]

LH, really, try to just be really positive (but not overdone, keep it simple) and point out things here or there that you think he is noticing (and maybe that seem not-okay to him). "Look at that little guy! He sure is a fast climber! And he can RUN SO FAST, too!" "Oh, look at those two friends. They really enjoy making loud noises together. I bet they have fun."

Suddenly when your child sees you/hears you give the behavior the okay then it SEEMS MORE NORMAL to your child over time.

Our son is 6 later this week, in kindergarten, loves the kids, loves his friends. People LOVE our kid. Him being here with me till kindergarten was great for him (and our family) and did nothing to stunt him developmentally.

It really is okay for your child to NOTICE THE CHAOS that swirls around some other kids and situations. You start building the foundation for him to interact with that and he will be well-equipped to handle it all as he gets older.

My son is also sweet/sensitive. He was never/is never a crier. But another kid grabs a toy from him? He would probably just watch the kid take it. BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE he will calmly and quietly take something back that a younger cousin took. He's a real kid even if he isn't wired just like everybody else. He is also super smart and aware of other kids' behaviors and feelings. He also smart enough that in his mind he really doesn't CARE about XYZ toy so if he isn't invested in it, eh, who cares.

It's okay for kids to be like this. Someone's got to have the kid that doesn't steamroll over the other ones, LOL. (kidding)

[thebuddhagouda]

::hugs:: it's hard. You're doing great.

[daisybuchannan]

Mar 10, 2014 12:34:31 GMT -5 thebuddhagouda said:

Mar 10, 2014 12:31:50 GMT -5 @letshike said:

We have a child development center on base that has drop in hours. I took him there for 2 hours two different times. The ladies that work there said he cried on and off each time. I'm okay with taking him there but I also don't want to scare the shit out of him. I'm not sure how many times I should try. I know it's normal for kids to cry at first but on and off for two hours? Yikes.

The thing is, for this to work you're going to have to be consistent. If you only take once in a blue moon, he will cry every time. You have to take him habitually for it to become something he's used to. You also have to be okay with leaving him while he's crying, so if you don't think you can do that I wouldn't try it. It's all developmentally normal at this age.

Totally agree with consistency being important.

I mentioned earlier that Connor goes to the same daycare 4 days a week and loves it. Still cries randomly when I drop him off. Other times he runs away from me and starts playing.

Last week I had to take him with me to another gym that I teach at, but don't take him with me (husband is home the nights I teach there). He cried on and off the whole hour he was there. It's not that he's shy, but the environment was new, and he just wasn't used to it! There were also other crying babies and it's like a freaking chain reaction of crying, lol.

[renna]

The other moms have great feedback here. I would also say that if it doesn't work for him (or you) at the drop-in center it's okay not to do it and try it again when he is older. Potty training might go like that, too. Sometimes it's just not okay RIGHT NOW but soon enough it might just be fine.

Our son is not an introvert. I think he's an extrovert like me. My husband is just barely an introvert but he technically is.

I think so much of this has to do with a really nice mom raising a really sweet boy, it being a pretty grown-up/1 kid only environment and him being perceptive enough to not know how to cope with all the noise and swirlings of other kids. ALL OF THAT IS OKAY.

That's why, as Mom, you teach him his own voice. He will get it in time. You wait and see. He is still really young but he is waiting on your cues. You two sound like a great pair. He's going to be fine.

ETA: that it really was very heartwarming reading from all the other moms in this thread.  It just makes me so happy to read all the ideas and thoughts and what's worked for other people.  What a nice group of ladies.