Ridiculously long vent

[Cayl]

My sister and I have a tenuous relationship. She ran away at 17, made up stories about physical abuse, and caused a ton of issues. She now lives back at home with our parents, along with her husband and my nephew. They move out every 6-9 months, get an apartment, realize 6 months later they can't afford it, break their lease, and move back home. My parents are more like parents to my nephew then grandparents because my sister and BIL go out most nights to "run errands" and leave the baby with them to be fed, bathed, and put to sleep. They also go away at least 2 weekends a month and leave the baby overnight with my parents.

The girls have been going to my parents during the week so that my mom and sister can watch all 3, and we pay my sister $600/mo. This was her idea because she wanted to quit her job anyway, so she figured this way at least she'd have a little income. I was very hesitant, but daycare is ridiculous around here and we liked the idea of them growing up with my nephew and being with my mom so we agreed to it. Then my sister decided she didn't want to quit, but would work nights/weekends so that she could do both. Except it's never worked out that way and I leave work early at least once a week due to various scheduling conflicts, which is getting to be a bit much since I usually don't find out until the night before/morning of.

So Sunday she says she has to work Monday, and is bitching that her job doesn't listen to her when she tells them when she can work and she's going to go off on them. I said "Yeah, that's not a bad idea, especially since the constantly changing schedule is stressful for me with my work". She went OFF on me. Started screaming at me that this was all my idea in the first place, she never wanted to do it, she said from the beginning she wasn't going to quit, basically the opposite of reality. I stayed calm - since her freaking out on all of us is a regular occurrence so we're used to it - and said if this wasn't working for her she just needed to let me know so that we could figure it out, but that I was just expressing that this is a little stressful for me too. She hung up on me.

My mom had me go over there Sunday night so that we could all talk and my sister just screamed at me for a half hour. Said every awful thing she could think of about me, and threatened to run away again. She lied about everything under the sun, half of which my parents had witnessed themselves and knew were lies. They just stood there not saying a word, except to say that we both need to be nicer to each other, and that it's her word versus mine so they don't know who to believe. Yeah, because it makes sense to believe the one who ran away and told the police her dad was beating her every day, and has lied and created problems and drama every day since. Not the one who had to come home from college, deal with police and CPS interviews, calm everyone down, and keep our family together. Not the one who tried to bridge the gap and help everyone work things out because that's what my parents wanted. Not the one who has a successful marriage where my husband doesn't pack a bag and leave every other week, who owns her own condo, has a good job, and hasn't ever asked for money or handouts. Nope, I haven't earned that trust.

We asked my MIL if she would quit her job and we would pay her what she was making, but for financial reasons she has to show that income. My mom said she talked to my sister and it was fine, we could bring the girls today. So I did, and after I left my sister freaked out about it. My mom just called me and said I need to find daycare for them. I said "last month when you were sick of her drama you said if this happened you would watch the girls at my place" and she said "I can't do that to your sister".

I am beyond furious. They have catered to her for her entire life, which is why she is this spoiled, entitled brat. They pay no rent, they don't pay for food, my mom buys diapers and dog food, and they get WIC so they don't pay for formula or baby food. Their only expenses are their car loans and car insurance. My dad has a company card for gas so he pays for their gas half the time as well. We have none of that, but my mom has no issue leaving us high and dry. She thinks if she goes against my sister she'll take my nephew away. What she doesn't realize is that while I would never, ever keep them out of the kids lives, I'm not going to make the effort anymore. If they want to see them, they can come to us. If they want to treat us like second class citizens, screw them. I know they're our kids and our responsibility and we'll make it work, but how this went down makes me so, so furious.

Wow, that was ridiculously long. I'm at work at my desk (because calling me at work to tell me this was so appropriate) and trying not to cry so I had to get it all out. Please don't quote, I may DD this later since it has so much information in it. For those who were bored enough to make it through :drink:

[speckledfrog]

You sister sucks and your parents are enablers. Sadly, you can't change any of this. As unstable as she is, I cannot believe you let her watch your girls. I would get them into daycare ASAP. If you are comfortable with a home based provider start there, as they are less expensive than centers.

[mrsjuleshs]

That sucks but I think everyone would be a lot better off with them in daycare. I don't think I could trust a sibling who has that unstable of a background to watch my kids. And why do you let her continuously yell? Next time, calmly tell her that you refuse to be treated this way and when she can calm down and have a rational conversation, to give you a call. Then either hang up or leave. Sitting throguh her tirades will do nothing to help the situation.

[nadasteph]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I would be so upset as well. My mom has done things favoring my sister and her kids over me and my DS, and it always hurts. No advice here, you know what you need to do, just hugs.

[macmars45]

I agree with the pp; get your kids in daycare asap.
Also I think it was really ballsy of you to ask your MIL to quit her job to take care of your kids unless she had previously offered and you thought it was on the table as a viable option.

[greylady]

I'm so so sorry. I hate to say it but I think you need to distance yourself from your family. Can you find a mom or twin support group so you can meet people to trade babysitting favors? I know that won't help your daycare situation, but at least you could get a night out.

I hope you catch a break soon.

[sprky79]

You need a daycare provider and a therapist so you can put the tools in place to stop putting yourself through this bullshit. If you take any efforts with this sister again, you are as bad as your parents. Make sense?

[Cayl]

I definitely own my part in this. I wasn't happy with the setup and I figured it would implode one day, but my parents pushed me hard and my H said it would be fine so I went with it. She is awesome with the girls - her nastiness is saved for adults - so I was hoping they would at least be able to get us to a year when daycare rates go down. But I should have gone with my gut and said no.

I did try to walk away, but I was really upset and had DD2 with me (she was upstairs with my brother) so my dad took my keys and said I couldn't drive until I calmed down. That pissed me off even more since I wasn't going to drive, I was going to get in the car with DD, turn up the AC and music, calm down, then drive home. We had an argument in April with all 4 of us there and she was screaming at me and I did just what you said Jules - I spoke over her, calmly said I won't be spoken to like this, to let me know when she wanted to talk rationally, and walked away. She was furious and I think that was the start of all of this since no one has ever done that to her before.

Again, I definitely am to blame her, which makes me angry at myself. Not only should I not have put the girls into this situation to begin with, but I've let my parents push me into enabling her in the past with the whole "you know how she is, just let it go". That will not happen any more. They're wonderful grandparents, but if they're going to line up in her corner and be a party to the insanity then they'll be missing out on a lot of time with their grandkids.

[Cayl]

Jul 10, 2012 10:12:06 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

I agree with the pp; get your kids in daycare asap.
Also I think it was really ballsy of you to ask your MIL to quit her job to take care of your kids unless she had previously offered and you thought it was on the table as a viable option.

She had. She was supposed to watch them initially and then found this job, but she hates it. She works in a factory and does very monotonous, tiring work, and hates it. She had the week off last week and asked to have the girls, and this weekend she told us she loved it and wished she could watch them instead of working. Trust me, I wouldn't have asked out of the blue.

[saraandmichael]

i would start looking for a nanny that could stay at your home with the girls. my neighbors did that and it was less expensive than daycare.

and then i would totally disengage from the sister situation. you will never change your sister. you will never change your parents. you can, however, change your reaction and involvement in the situation.

[tulip]

You need to recognize this situation for what it is.

Your sister is using your nephew as emotional blackmail against your parents. It is very unfair the things & handouts they are giving your sister. But to them they have no choice.

Put your girls in daycare, take a break from your family & the next time your sister has a fit don't go over trying to fix it. Stick to your guns & do not let your mother put you in that situation again.

I'm sorry.

[sprky79]

And you do understand that the next call will be from your mom and your sister about how unfair it is you are taking "your sister's livelihood away" when you stop paying them $600 a month to be a pain in your ass, right?

Therapist. Some assistance to help you set boundaries will do wonders for you.

[Deleted]

Your mother sucks for putting you in this situation. I'd look for a nanny ASAP.

[kellbell191]

I agree to get them into daycare and seriously limit contact with your parents, no contact with your sister. I would also tell your parents why. Tell them you will not have contact with her and don't want your kids to have contact with her, that your kids can have a relationship with them but it will be up to them to see the kids on your terms at your house. I would tell them point blank that by forcing you to have a relationship with her despite the way she treats you, they have chosen sides, it has hurt you, and its on them to rebuild that relationship with you.

[Cayl]

I've been looking into home daycares this morning and have some options, but a lot of them are full for the summer. I'm looking into a nanny for this month and next, and I'll likely be taking the rest of the week off to figure this out and have them with me.

Trust me, I know it was a horrible decision. It wasn't about the cheap daycare (although it was definitely a plus), but I really liked the idea of the girls being with family and growing up with my nephew. No one in either of our families has ever used a daycare, with both it's always been family taking care of the kids, so this is what we knew. And I made my peace with it by looking at it as the girls were with my mom, with her helping. I knew that saying no, like I wanted to, would cause a huge fight, so I did it. I know it wasn't right, and I know I'm an enabler as well.

This will actually be much easier on H and I anyway. We'll be spending more, but we'll also be saving in gas costs since my parents are a half hour away from where we live, and we live close to our jobs. I'll get more sleep, there will be less driving, and I'll be less stressed since I've been unhappy with this arrangement since the beginning.

I actually went to a therapist last month, and she was awful. She talked mostly about herself, and when she did ask about me and made suggestions she suggested things like putting one girl in daycare and having my mom come to the house to watch the other so it's easier for my mom and cheaper for us. I would NEVER separate them. She also said that my parents need to understand they're enabling her and change their behavior. Well no shit, but that's not going to happen. I need to find a new one, but it's hard to find time to go.

[partiallysunny]

Jul 10, 2012 10:21:12 GMT -5 @smace said:

Not to be snarky bc this comes from non snark: nobody forced you to do this. They didn't hold a gun to your head. You allowed them to make your decisions for you, I think a therapist would help you get back your control over your family.

I agree with this.

And the whole "my sister pays no bills and gets x, y, and z from my parents and I get nothing" thing comes off as entitled.

Edit: This is a shitty situation and I understand how hard it is to separate yourself from a toxic situation. Finding the "right" therapist takes time. Don't give up.

[sprky79]

Priority No. 1:

Finding new daycare for your daughters.

Priority No. 2

Finding a new therapist

I get you are pissed, and I feel for ya, but you are pissed that exactly what you knew would happen, happened. Put yourself in a position to never have this happen again. You deserve a drama-free life :-)

[harmony11]

Do we have the same sister? I deal with this shit (not the child care part) on a regular basis in regards to my sister and enabling parents. It infuriates me and I did spend some time in therapy because if it. I am much better about it now, but it is still hard to be around my parents/sister/niece because it pisses me off.

[ralphlauren]

This situation sucks. I am pretty surprised you had the balls to ask your mil to quit her job so she can watch the girls. Damn

[Cayl]

Jul 10, 2012 10:51:01 GMT -5 ralphlauren said:

This situation sucks. I am pretty surprised you had the balls to ask your mil to quit her job so she can watch the girls. Damn

I answered this previously. She offered when they were born, then found a job. She hates said job, watched them last week at her request and said she wished she could watch them instead of working. When the shit hit the fan we figured we would see if she would like to do that and we would match her take home salary. It wasn't out of the blue!

[Cayl]

Jul 10, 2012 10:42:18 GMT -5 loonylunalovegood said:

Also, you are not a horrible person. You just made a bad decision and now you have to crawl out of it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Fix it and move on. Dwelling will only make it worse for your girls.

Thanks. Right now I feel like a horrible mom, and a bad daughter and sister because of what I have to do though I know I'm (finally) doing what's right. But mostly I feel like an awful mother and that's killing me. They depend on me and I screwed up big time.

[Deleted]

Cayl, a nanny for twins is considerably cheaper than daycare. I'd look into that like S&M said.

We're using care.com if you need any tips, though we just started the process.

[sprky79]

You are not horrible, bad, or anything else. However, you've contorted yourself into various shapes trying to fit into this crazy situation. You have to straighten yourself out, which you will do, becuase you are NOT the crazy on in this situation :-)

[callietay]

You're NOT a horrible mom. You said yourself your sister is a good mom, if nothing else. You trusted your judgement. Also, I think it was rude of whoever said "no one held a gun to your head." You labeled this as a vent. When a poster vents about their husband, the general response is not "well no one forced you to marry him." Sorry you're going through this. I wish you luck!

[Cayl]

I labeled it a vent, but I knew people would judge too. Honestly, I screwed up and I deserve it. I appreciate those saying I'm not a horrible mom and I am DEFINITELY learning from my mistakes. My mom is pressuring me to just apologize to appease my sister so we can all move on and keep things as is and I said hell no. I'm waiting for a call back to set up an appointment to meet with an in-home daycare. They're the only ones who have an opening for two, but not until Sept 1. If we like them I'll check out care.com and sittercity to find someone for the interim. I'm taking the rest of the week off to straighten this out, and to just relax because I'm really stressed and upset right now.

Question since I'm not thinking very clearly - when my mom realized I'm not budging she asked if she could still watch them two days a week at my place. She's an awesome grandmother (and mom when you take away the crap with my sister) so I'm inclined to say yes with the rules that it has to be at my place, my sister can't be there without my permission, and that due to daycare, she obviously has to have them the same two days every week. It's only a $300 in savings to have them go part-time so it's not about money, I would just like them to be close with my mom. Bad idea?

[nadasteph]

Bad idea. Something will come up with your sister and your mom will bail on you.

[sprky79]

Nope.

I give it two weeks before "You're just going to have to drop them off at my place and your sister will be here and and and and and."

Stick to your guns, Mom.

[partiallysunny]

Bad idea. Give yourself some space and time to think before jumping into anything with mom or sister.

[Cayl]

Yeah, you're both right. I feel really bad about taking them away from her completely, even though she's making the problem worse. That and the fact that I will likely not have much of a relationship with my nephew really upsets me, but I need to do what's best for the girls and not worry about everyone else. When/if my sister moves out and up to Massachusetts like she says they're going to do, then maybe we can revisit stuff with my mom.

[broc]

Your mom is NOT a good mom first and foremost. She is an enabler to your sister. That trumps every aspect of her life. You cannot trust her with anything long term. She will always choose to swallow your sister's bullshit and wreck plans based on that over anything with you and your kids. They are codependent.

It is an extremely difficult realization to come to. You may need therapy to help you come to grips with it. And yes, BAD idea.