Yeah, you're both right. I feel really bad about taking them away from her completely, even though she's making the problem worse. That and the fact that I will likely not have much of a relationship with my nephew really upsets me, but I need to do what's best for the girls and not worry about everyone else. When/if my sister moves out and up to Massachusetts like she says they're going to do, then maybe we can revisit stuff with my mom.
You are not taking anyone away from anyone. Is your mom allergic to visits on evenings/weekends?
Also, you are not a horrible person. You just made a bad decision and now you have to crawl out of it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Fix it and move on. Dwelling will only make it worse for your girls.
Thanks. Right now I feel like a horrible mom, and a bad daughter and sister because of what I have to do though I know I'm (finally) doing what's right. But mostly I feel like an awful mother and that's killing me. They depend on me and I screwed up big time.
It's worth saying that this isn't the end of this situation. You think it is because your mom just called and said to get day care arrangements and you have your shit together enough to do it. But I guarantee it's not over. Your mom told you to get the girls out to scare you into reconciling with your sister and to KEEP you into the family loop.
Be prepared for a very BIG backlash if you actually make new arrangments. Very big. Your mother WANTS your sister in the house and taking care of the 3 kids. I think your mom will probalby quit her job or say she will and will make it seem like you NEED to use her as a babysitter. Your sister will do something dramtic or sweet to get you back, too.
This is really not over. If you try to untangle yourself from their set-up they will try even HARDER to get to back in.
Prepare yourself. I don't think you are going to be able to walk away the way you imagine. Even though you are mad and furious and been treated really, really badly. One or both of them are going to throw you a curve ball that you never saw coming. And you'll feel stuck again.
I think your mother is going to quit her job. Then you'll feel guity that your not "letting" her babysit. Something like that. But definatley something.
No matter what, you really need to get your own child care.
Yeah, you're both right. I feel really bad about taking them away from her completely, even though she's making the problem worse. That and the fact that I will likely not have much of a relationship with my nephew really upsets me, but I need to do what's best for the girls and not worry about everyone else. When/if my sister moves out and up to Massachusetts like she says they're going to do, then maybe we can revisit stuff with my mom.
You are not taking anyone away from anyone. Is your mom allergic to visits on evenings/weekends?
No, but I know they're not going to want to come to us on weekends and expect us to go to them. But my sister lives there, so I won't. We're also busy on weekends and usually take the girls to visit my ILs on Sundays and I'm not going to change that because my family is crazy. It's on them to choose to come or not come to our place, though, and I need to convince myself that how much or little they see the girls is their decision, not mine, and I have no reason to feel guilty over it. I think a therapist is definitely in order. I've let my lifetime role of family peacekeeper come before my girls and I need to fix that ASAP. We've told my dad a million times that he can stop by any night after work and he never does so I don't expect that to change, although I will be pleasantly surprised if it does.
Thanks. Right now I feel like a horrible mom, and a bad daughter and sister because of what I have to do though I know I'm (finally) doing what's right. But mostly I feel like an awful mother and that's killing me. They depend on me and I screwed up big time.
It's worth saying that this isn't the end of this situation. You think it is because your mom just called and said to get day care arrangements and you have your shit together enough to do it. But I guarantee it's not over. Your mom told you to get the girls out to scare you into reconciling with your sister and to KEEP you into the family loop.
Be prepared for a very BIG backlash if you actually make new arrangments. Very big. Your mother WANTS your sister in the house and taking care of the 3 kids. I think your mom will probalby quit her job or say she will and will make it seem like you NEED to use her as a babysitter. Your sister will do something dramtic or sweet to get you back, too.
This is really not over. If you try to untangle yourself from their set-up they will try even HARDER to get to back in.
Prepare yourself. I don't think you are going to be able to walk away the way you imagine. Even though you are mad and furious and been treated really, really badly. One or both of them are going to throw you a curve ball that you never saw coming. And you'll feel stuck again.
I think your mother is going to quit her job. Then you'll feel guity that your not "letting" her babysit. Something like that. But definatley something.
No matter what, you really need to get your own child care.
There is not a doubt in my mind that all of the above will happen. In the past (before kids) there have been arguments, and then either we all act like it didn't happen or they convince me to give the token apology or something else happens and we all move on with nothing resolved. But I am just not willing to subject my kids to this. H and I are very laid back and mellow, especially around the girls. I don't want them in an environment that could explode at any given moment for whatever little reason.
I can guarantee that my sister and parents will be shocked that we put them in daycare. They expect it to be so cost prohibitive that we won't, which I think is part of the reason my sister acts like she does. She thinks I'm stuck without her. If H and I have to never go out to dinner or a movie again for the next 5 years, so be it. My sister goes to work at 2, so I'm expecting a call from my mom at 2:01, and I'm guessing my dad will call yelling when he gets out of work. There will be serious backlash and consequences and guilt trips, especially "how could you do this to your mother?".
I don't think any of this will be easy. The reaction from my family won't be, leaving them at daycare the first few times won't be, none of it will be easy. If I wanted the easy way out I'd apologize and pretend like nothing happened, but I can't do that.
It's worth saying that this isn't the end of this situation. You think it is because your mom just called and said to get day care arrangements and you have your shit together enough to do it. But I guarantee it's not over. Your mom told you to get the girls out to scare you into reconciling with your sister and to KEEP you into the family loop.
Be prepared for a very BIG backlash if you actually make new arrangments. Very big. Your mother WANTS your sister in the house and taking care of the 3 kids. I think your mom will probalby quit her job or say she will and will make it seem like you NEED to use her as a babysitter. Your sister will do something dramtic or sweet to get you back, too.
This is really not over. If you try to untangle yourself from their set-up they will try even HARDER to get to back in.
Prepare yourself. I don't think you are going to be able to walk away the way you imagine. Even though you are mad and furious and been treated really, really badly. One or both of them are going to throw you a curve ball that you never saw coming. And you'll feel stuck again.
I think your mother is going to quit her job. Then you'll feel guity that your not "letting" her babysit. Something like that. But definatley something.
No matter what, you really need to get your own child care.
There is not a doubt in my mind that all of the above will happen. In the past (before kids) there have been arguments, and then either we all act like it didn't happen or they convince me to give the token apology or something else happens and we all move on with nothing resolved. But I am just not willing to subject my kids to this. H and I are very laid back and mellow, especially around the girls. I don't want them in an environment that could explode at any given moment for whatever little reason.
I can guarantee that my sister and parents will be shocked that we put them in daycare. They expect it to be so cost prohibitive that we won't, which I think is part of the reason my sister acts like she does. She thinks I'm stuck without her. If H and I have to never go out to dinner or a movie again for the next 5 years, so be it. My sister goes to work at 2, so I'm expecting a call from my mom at 2:01, and I'm guessing my dad will call yelling when he gets out of work. There will be serious backlash and consequences and guilt trips, especially "how could you do this to your mother?".
I don't think any of this will be easy. The reaction from my family won't be, leaving them at daycare the first few times won't be, none of it will be easy. If I wanted the easy way out I'd apologize and pretend like nothing happened, but I can't do that.
And I promise that the sun will set tonight, rise tomorrow, and continue to rotate on its axis if you just.don't.answer.
We watched War Games last night (aw, 18 year old Matthew Broderick!) and the line fits:
You aren't a bad anything, you are just stuck in a cycle.
It seems your sister has always been catered to by your parents. You fit the role of the good, easy, peace keeping daughter. She is difficult but you aren't.
It's time for you to start being difficult. Do not let your parents guilt or manipulate you so your sister is happy. Screw that.
Write down the events of the past few days with as much detail as possible. Print it. Keep it i a safe place and re-read it when they manipulate you and start to wear down your resolve again.
Print out this post - your orginal and all the answers, and keep that safe, too. Re-read it form time to time.
You aren't a bad anything. It's natural to trust your parents and believe they want to help you. And they DO want to help you. Unfortunately, that help is tied up with your sister and her drama. That sucks. Now you know it won't get better. And trust me, you cannot give your mom an inch on this. It sounds cold and it seems harsh, but going forward things need to be on you terms 100%. It seems unreasonable but it's not - they will not be respectful of any accommodations you make for them and you wil be right back here again. Trust me, my Inlaws are your parents. I've been there. I hope it gets better soon.
And - doesn't schlepping the kids to your mom add a ton to your commute? Think what a blessing a reliable in house nanny will be.
You aren't a bad anything. It's natural to trust your parents and believe they want to help you. And they DO want to help you. Unfortunately, that help is tied up with your sister and her drama. That sucks. Now you know it won't get better. And trust me, you cannot give your mom an inch on this. It sounds cold and it seems harsh, but going forward things need to be on you terms 100%. It seems unreasonable but it's not - they will not be respectful of any accommodations you make for them and you wil be right back here again. Trust me, my Inlaws are your parents. I've been there. I hope it gets better soon.
And - doesn't schlepping the kids to your mom add a ton to your commute? Think what a blessing a reliable in house nanny will be.
Yeah, my 5 minute commute is 75 minutes to get them to my mom's. Bringing them to daycare in town will only make my commute probably 30 minutes, including getting them inside and everything. I think it's a blessing in disguise in a lot of ways. I think a few months from now I'll be happier, H will be happier, and my parents might even enjoy having a more traditional grandparent relationship rather then what they have with all of them now. The change will be hard, but I think we'll all be better off in the end. Well, except my sister, but she doesn't even rank on my list of concerns right now. If it weren't for my nephew I would completely write her off but I'm hoping at some point we can at least have a cordial relationship where we can be around each other at family functions.