parent preference

[karinothing]

So, I know we have talked about this before, but I can't remember the advice and I am too lazy to search

So, how do you react when your kid has one strong parental preference? DS is completely obsessed with me and is very mean to DH. He says stuff like "I only love mommy, I don't like you" and he wants me to do everything. He screams "No, mommy do it" whenever DH tries to help him with something. He will also hit DH and laugh. If he hits me, he immediately says "I am sorry mommy" and gives me a hug and asks if i am okay.

I tell him that he should be nice to his dad and that it hurts his dad's feelings and makes him sad when he does this, but I am pretty sure he doesn't get what I mean. Should I say anything or just let it go? Also when he is screaming for me instead should I just do what he wants or should I make him suck it up.

[laurenh]

DD doesn't really talk yet but does have a pretty strong preference for me, although it seems to be tied to when she can see me because she's perfectly pleased with H when they're alone. He was home with her for 14 months so I wondered if it was tied to that but now we both work so I probably can't use that as an excuse. We try to make sure they have lots of separate play but I have no clue if that will actually help or not.

I'm interested in the replies!

[starlily]

Eh, I just shrug it off. DD has a strong preference for daddy. She doesn't say hurtful stuff regularly or anything, but even when she does it's not like she's doing it intentionally at her age.

[spanikopita]

My son does the same thing. He's pretty mean to daddy sometimes.

The 1 thing I've learned is he doesn't give a DAMN when I try to correct this behavior/dole out consequences. It needs to be daddy correcting it.

[karinothing]

Mar 11, 2014 19:37:54 GMT -5 @246baje said:

DS prefers DH but isn't hurtful about it. I take it as a welcome break.

However in your case when he wants you to help him with something simply out of preference when his Dad is trying to help himI wouldn't do it. I'd let his Dad continue to do it.

Yeah, he just has a complete meltdown so it sucks (or rather is just annoying) lol. Like the other day DH got him out of his highchair. The whole time he screamed no mommy do it. Then once he was out he climbed back into the highchair and asked me to get him out. *-)

[arch01]

We've dealt a little with this-I'm not much help, but here's what I've got.

-hitting: even if he's nice to you about it afterward-there needs to be some sort of consequence (the same) regardless. 

-"mommy do it": mommy's doing something else/busy/needs to do something else. 

I think what I'm dealing with right now is I'm the "mean" one and DH is the "fun" one... and isn't as strict as I am. We saw this on vacation a few times-I have a much lower tolerance for some of DS' antics than DH does.

[karinothing]

Mar 11, 2014 19:44:34 GMT -5 arch01 said:

We've dealt a little with this-I'm not much help, but here's what I've got.

-hitting: even if he's nice to you about it afterward-there needs to be some sort of consequence (the same) regardless. 

-"mommy do it": mommy's doing something else/busy/needs to do something else. 

I think what I'm dealing with right now is I'm the "mean" one and DH is the "fun" one... and isn't as strict as I am. We saw this on vacation a few times-I have a much lower tolerance for some of DS' antics than DH does.

That is a good point about hitting. I usually our consequence is that he has to apologize, because he doesn't seem to do it when he is mad. Just when he is overly excited. But we can try timeouts.

I feel like the mommy is busy thing doesn't work since i am just like sitting next to him or doing nothing lol.

[arch01]

Mar 11, 2014 19:59:36 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Mar 11, 2014 19:44:34 GMT -5 arch01 said:

We've dealt a little with this-I'm not much help, but here's what I've got.

-hitting: even if he's nice to you about it afterward-there needs to be some sort of consequence (the same) regardless. 

-"mommy do it": mommy's doing something else/busy/needs to do something else. 

I think what I'm dealing with right now is I'm the "mean" one and DH is the "fun" one... and isn't as strict as I am. We saw this on vacation a few times-I have a much lower tolerance for some of DS' antics than DH does.

That is a good point about hitting. I usually our consequence is that he has to apologize, because he doesn't seem to do it when he is mad. Just when he is overly excited. But we can try timeouts.

I feel like the mommy is busy thing doesn't work since i am just like sitting next to him or doing nothing lol.

I'd try the "if you won't apologize, you'll go to time out" and give him a chance. Hopefully it'll only take a couple times for him to realize that your DH means it.

What about having to "go to the bathroom", clean, etc? Anything to get you out of the room... 

This too shall pass-and you'll find yourself in DH's position at some point. Parenthood is great, eh?

[elocrates]

For us this was a phase (that recurs on occasion, fun times...). If we are in a time crunch (trying to get out the door in the morning, etc.), I just plan on dealing with the child in advance to avoid meltdowns. If it's something like you mentioned about getting out of the highchair, we just ignore it (if he's tantruming about it) or reply, "daddy will do it this time." We also often say, "I see you are disappointed. It is okay to be disappointed, but it is not okay to throw a fit." So basically we try to avoid the meltdown if we're in a hurry and don't give into it if we're not.

[dbsk8dance]

We went through this and it sucked. I just kept saying what you say- that hurts daddy's feelings, etc.

We have a fairly even split on time alone with the kids, so it wasn't that.

He out grew it around 4? We had then do a lot of things together that were special. Movie dates, trips to Disneyland, etc. now they are obsessed with playing Legos all the time and that has really bonded them.

[Deleted]

Wait wait @kirkette did you have your baby?!?!? When did that happen?!? Or are you saying LO#2 likes his/her daddy's voice en utero or something?

[Deleted]

For the most part, ignore it. DD preferred H until this year. It never really bothered me. Now she prefers me. If it's something like getting ready for bed, she often doesn't have a choice because I'm nursing DS. I think making sure there are certain things they do together - bed/bath/ etc. - consistently is really important.

[Deleted]

Also, make yourself busy. (A second kids helps with that LOL.)

Don't let him dictate which parent does something. Sure it's going to suck for a little while (or longer). But eventually he'll learn he doesn't get to pick the parent unless you offer a choice

[karinothing]

Mar 11, 2014 22:07:00 GMT -5 @fivedogs said:

DD1 prefers DH, but she needs to be kind and respect me too (so no hitting, yelling, etc.). We handled that stuff the same way we would if she hit another kid or yelled at them. It took about a year to sink in.

A year is a long time! But we will work on it. Apparently he announced this morning that he loves both mommy and daddy lol. So that is good.

I sometimes wonder if part of the issue with him saying he loves me not daddy is because I tell him I love him constantly. DH really doesn't do it sponteously even though I try to encourage it.

[thatgirl2478]

DD started showing a preference for DH at one point.  Mostly we just equally did things for her - like I'm with her all day so I do all the normal day time stuff, but Daddy does the bath/night time routine.  Sometimes I'll jump in and do the night time routine, and DH will take over the day to day stuff (usually on the weekends).  We also made it very clear that NO pushing or hitting would be tolerated - even at a very young age. 

I wish I had other advice for you.  Even today she still holds some slight preference for Daddy.  We are working on 'who's in charge' to help her through her tantrums/disobedience and she usually will say 'Daddy' and I have to add 'and Mommy'.

[dragonfly08]

Both of my kids have had phases with a strong parental preference. Usually it's for their dad.

That's ok. Like pps have said, they're allowed but they're not allowed to disrespect me (or him, if it's me they happen to prefer at the moment) as a result. Hitting was never ok; now that they're older, talking back gets dealt with. Usually DH will remind them that it's not ok.

And we rarely gave in to them. If they wanted DH, but I was the one there and available, they got me. No re-do's with Daddy. The exception is bedtime...I usually put them to bed, but if they want him to come in and say good night, as long as he's not busy he will do that. He doesn't reinvent the wheel, however. If I've read a story, and tucked them in, etc. they get a "good night" and a kiss and/or hug, and he leaves.

It's sunk in. They still complain for one parent or another at times, but when reminded that it's just not happening, they get over it pretty quickly.

[ECB]

It depends on the age.

When DS was younger and it was truly a developmental thing, I just let it go. I honestly don't feel it's fair to tell a young child that they are hurting someone's feelings when what they are doing is normal for their age.  I just don't think a young child should be held responsible for an adult's feelings.

However, as DS gets older (5 now!) and it's more of a playing games/ power thing - I'll handle him (if it's me who he wants) but I tell him "daddy can do this too!  He'd like to do it if you let him.  He loves you too and wants to help you too.". 

And he is at the age now where if I really do feel he's doing something to be purposefully mean, I will say that it hurts our feelings.  or I'll ask him "Would you like it if I did that to you?", or "would that upset you if I did that?", and when he says "yes", I explain that that's how we feel when he does that to us.

[lishie]

DS2 had a long period where all he wanted was Daddy and he wanted nothing to do with me. I let it go, and tried to enjoy having some time to myself without a toddler permanently attached to me. After about 6 months, he was back to loving each of us equally, and now I'm the slightly more preferred parent (only because he absolutely loves holding on to my hair)

[Deleted]

Mar 11, 2014 22:00:26 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Mar 11, 2014 21:46:46 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

Wait wait @kirkette did you have your baby?!?!? When did that happen?!? Or are you saying LO#2 likes his/her daddy's voice en utero or something?

Still in utero.
Whenever he comes home from work and says hello, she rolls to where his voice is located. 
When I get into bed, she rolls to whatever side he's on, and starts to kick him when he is near.
No rolls or kicks when I'm napping alone. LOL

Awww that's sweet. The attached to your husband part, not the kicking you part 

Yeah I figured LO wasn't here yet.  I expect an announcement post with some pictures! Kirklette is sooo cute, you guys make adorable kids.