s/o - What would you do?

[hannamarin]

It is good that he was honest, but did he admit that he knows this is wrong for him to think this way? Did he say he is trying not to think that way?
I think you need to talk more (either alone or with a counselor) and if he cant get passed that then I dont think I could stay without losing my self esteem.
You need to figure out a way for him to realize that thin is not related to effort.

Sorry. Good luck

[underwaterrhymes]

Is he willing to see a counselor with you? His issue with your weight is exactly that - HIS issue with your weight, but there's obviously an emotional component here for you, too.

[eb777888]

I would have a really hard time with this. I grew up with some crazy fucked up weight shit in my childhood and I knew early on that I could never be with a man that gave me a hard time about my weight. For me, it's a deal breaker but I'm not saying I think YOU should divorce him.

[sneetch]

It's hard to say, but I am obsessive enough about my weight that I don't think I could deal with that added pressure of always wondering if he thinks I'm not thin enough. That being said, I would probably try to go to couples counseling to see if we could work through it.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I really think he should have kept these thoughts to himself as they are just hurtful, not productive at all.

[revolution]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. For me, it would depend on what happened next. If he thought his line of thinking didn't need to be changed, then I would be done. I don't think I could live the rest of my life wondering what he thought of me if I gained 5 pounds. If I thought his mindset would change and I could work through in Ny own head my own feelings about it, then I would probably stay.

I don't deserve for the person I love to treat me nicer because of my weight. That would mess with my head too much.

Good luck.

[underwaterrhymes]

Jul 10, 2012 20:22:56 GMT -5 revolution said:

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. For me, it would depend on what happened next. If he thought his line of thinking didn't need to be changed, then I would be done. I don't think I could live the rest of my life wondering what he thought of me if I gained 5 pounds. If I thought his mindset would change and I could work through in Ny own head my own feelings about it, then I would probably stay.

I don't deserve for the person I love to treat me nicer because of my weight. That would mess with my head too much.

Good luck.

This is exactly what I wanted to say, but said poorly.

[saraandmichael]

yeah, no thanks. i'd have to pass on that kind of relationship.

i am not thin at all, and have been quite a fatty in the recent past. and while i know my husband doesn't find me super hot when i'm bigger, he says that he is still attracted to me because of me being me.

and he has never, EVER treated me different at 150 than he has at 120.

[annyong]

While it might seem drastic to leave, I think I would in your situation. I just don't think I'd ever be able to get over it. I'd never be comfortable around him, especially intimately. Even if we went to counseling and he acted/spoke differently, I think I'd still dwell on it and not actually believe that he changed. But I'm obsessive and untrusting like that.

Honestly, only you can decide how to proceed and what you're willing to live with. But, I'd absolutely advocate counseling as a first step if you do decide to stay with him.

[rodeored]

Jul 10, 2012 21:19:49 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Jul 10, 2012 20:38:35 GMT -5 annyong said:

While it might seem drastic to leave, I think I would in your situation. I just don't think I'd ever be able to get over it. I'd never be comfortable around him, especially intimately. Even if we went to counseling and he acted/spoke differently, I think I'd still dwell on it and not actually believe that he changed. But I'm obsessive and untrusting like that.

Honestly, only you can decide how to proceed and what you're willing to live with. But, I'd absolutely advocate counseling as a first step if you do decide to stay with him.

When I married my dh, he and I both weighed about 200 pounds. He was slim and hot, and I was not; but we loved each other, had a grand sex life, and poof, it was great. I got pregnant with ds1 and we were all excited and happy. And the night before my induction we went out for dinner, all happy and excited, and I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me, and he says how come you love me so much and I listed off all these reasons why I loved him. And then I said how come you love ME so much; and he looked at me and said "I don't know. I always pictured myself with someone I could be proud to walk down the street with, a real hottie. But then I met you and I learned to not care about that anymore" or words to that effect.

It was 19 years ago. We did not have sex for over a year and I am serious, it has never been the same. I don't believe him when he says I look good, and I don't want to be naked in front of him because I know he does not find me attractive and never has. And I know this because he told me at a time in my life when I was most vulnerable and I should have had his care and protection, not his cold assessment of my physical attractions or lack thereof. I have never, ever forgotten he said that. Ever. If I had not had a baby the next day I would have left him. I did not want him near me in the delivery room looking at me when I was trying to give birth. It has altered our marriage permanently. He said he was sorry a million times, and tried really hard to make it up to me, and I think he meant it, but there is nothing that changes that this is the way he thinks (or thought) about me, and that when I needed his support the most this is what I got. I got a doula for ds2.

I admire your restraint Sue Sue. I think I probably would have been homicidal at a comment like that.

[studytime45]

Jul 10, 2012 21:40:32 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

It's weird. I don't think I'm unattractive and his thoughts on this did not change my opinion of myself. I like myself, and I like how I look. It's just like a door shut between us. I don't want him to see me any more than I'd want some stranger seeing me through the window.

He works hard for us as a family; I believe he loves me. He's a good father to our boys and has never once crossed me in how we are raising them and what we're doing for them. he supports my efforts to establish my law practice, which I have been able to do reasonably well with his financial support at the outset. There's a lot of good between us, for which I'm glad. And I don't like to think of myself as cold or unforgiving, because that's not how I feel either. It's just that this particular area is scorched earth between us; there is nothing to say to make it so that it was not so, or even so that he was smart enough to not have told me how he felt. He felt entitled to say that to me. He wasn't. He felt entitled to feel that way about me. He wasn't.

Wow Sue Sue, I really love how honest you're being. And I totally get where you're coming from. This happened between and ex and me. It was never the same.

Maggie, I'd seek personal counseling even before couples counseling.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jul 10, 2012 21:19:49 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Jul 10, 2012 20:38:35 GMT -5 annyong said:

While it might seem drastic to leave, I think I would in your situation. I just don't think I'd ever be able to get over it. I'd never be comfortable around him, especially intimately. Even if we went to counseling and he acted/spoke differently, I think I'd still dwell on it and not actually believe that he changed. But I'm obsessive and untrusting like that.

Honestly, only you can decide how to proceed and what you're willing to live with. But, I'd absolutely advocate counseling as a first step if you do decide to stay with him.

When I married my dh, he and I both weighed about 200 pounds. He was slim and hot, and I was not; but we loved each other, had a grand sex life, and poof, it was great. I got pregnant with ds1 and we were all excited and happy. And the night before my induction we went out for dinner, all happy and excited, and I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me, and he says how come you love me so much and I listed off all these reasons why I loved him. And then I said how come you love ME so much; and he looked at me and said "I don't know. I always pictured myself with someone I could be proud to walk down the street with, a real hottie. But then I met you and I learned to not care about that anymore" or words to that effect.

It was 19 years ago. We did not have sex for over a year and I am serious, it has never been the same. I don't believe him when he says I look good, and I don't want to be naked in front of him because I know he does not find me attractive and never has. And I know this because he told me at a time in my life when I was most vulnerable and I should have had his care and protection, not his cold assessment of my physical attractions or lack thereof. I have never, ever forgotten he said that. Ever. If I had not had a baby the next day I would have left him. I did not want him near me in the delivery room looking at me when I was trying to give birth. It has altered our marriage permanently. He said he was sorry a million times, and tried really hard to make it up to me, and I think he meant it, but there is nothing that changes that this is the way he thinks (or thought) about me, and that when I needed his support the most this is what I got. I got a doula for ds2.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jul 10, 2012 21:19:49 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Jul 10, 2012 20:38:35 GMT -5 annyong said:

While it might seem drastic to leave, I think I would in your situation. I just don't think I'd ever be able to get over it. I'd never be comfortable around him, especially intimately. Even if we went to counseling and he acted/spoke differently, I think I'd still dwell on it and not actually believe that he changed. But I'm obsessive and untrusting like that.

Honestly, only you can decide how to proceed and what you're willing to live with. But, I'd absolutely advocate counseling as a first step if you do decide to stay with him.

When I married my dh, he and I both weighed about 200 pounds. He was slim and hot, and I was not; but we loved each other, had a grand sex life, and poof, it was great. I got pregnant with ds1 and we were all excited and happy. And the night before my induction we went out for dinner, all happy and excited, and I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me, and he says how come you love me so much and I listed off all these reasons why I loved him. And then I said how come you love ME so much; and he looked at me and said "I don't know. I always pictured myself with someone I could be proud to walk down the street with, a real hottie. But then I met you and I learned to not care about that anymore" or words to that effect.

It was 19 years ago. We did not have sex for over a year and I am serious, it has never been the same. I don't believe him when he says I look good, and I don't want to be naked in front of him because I know he does not find me attractive and never has. And I know this because he told me at a time in my life when I was most vulnerable and I should have had his care and protection, not his cold assessment of my physical attractions or lack thereof. I have never, ever forgotten he said that. Ever. If I had not had a baby the next day I would have left him. I did not want him near me in the delivery room looking at me when I was trying to give birth. It has altered our marriage permanently. He said he was sorry a million times, and tried really hard to make it up to me, and I think he meant it, but there is nothing that changes that this is the way he thinks (or thought) about me, and that when I needed his support the most this is what I got. I got a doula for ds2.


H

Aw sue, I don't even know you and I teared up reading this. You seem like a great mom and a really nice lady and this story makes me really sad for you.

[lafawnduh]

Douche/bully
You deserve better. Can you fix him? Sounds like you already know the answer.

[bonquiqui]

Jul 10, 2012 21:19:49 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Jul 10, 2012 20:38:35 GMT -5 annyong said:

While it might seem drastic to leave, I think I would in your situation. I just don't think I'd ever be able to get over it. I'd never be comfortable around him, especially intimately. Even if we went to counseling and he acted/spoke differently, I think I'd still dwell on it and not actually believe that he changed. But I'm obsessive and untrusting like that.

Honestly, only you can decide how to proceed and what you're willing to live with. But, I'd absolutely advocate counseling as a first step if you do decide to stay with him.

When I married my dh, he and I both weighed about 200 pounds. He was slim and hot, and I was not; but we loved each other, had a grand sex life, and poof, it was great. I got pregnant with ds1 and we were all excited and happy. And the night before my induction we went out for dinner, all happy and excited, and I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me, and he says how come you love me so much and I listed off all these reasons why I loved him. And then I said how come you love ME so much; and he looked at me and said "I don't know. I always pictured myself with someone I could be proud to walk down the street with, a real hottie. But then I met you and I learned to not care about that anymore" or words to that effect.

It was 19 years ago. We did not have sex for over a year and I am serious, it has never been the same. I don't believe him when he says I look good, and I don't want to be naked in front of him because I know he does not find me attractive and never has. And I know this because he told me at a time in my life when I was most vulnerable and I should have had his care and protection, not his cold assessment of my physical attractions or lack thereof. I have never, ever forgotten he said that. Ever. If I had not had a baby the next day I would have left him. I did not want him near me in the delivery room looking at me when I was trying to give birth. It has altered our marriage permanently. He said he was sorry a million times, and tried really hard to make it up to me, and I think he meant it, but there is nothing that changes that this is the way he thinks (or thought) about me, and that when I needed his support the most this is what I got. I got a doula for ds2.

I am sorry, that is terrible, and made me tear up. I don't even know how to formulate a response Some things you can just never take back, which is why words can be even more hurtful sometimes

[njjeninky]

My ex-husband lied to me, cheated on me for over three years, made me feel like I was the problem, and otherwise destroyed my self-esteem. Want to know what was the most painful thing he did? I asked him if he was ever going to tell me that he loved me again. He responded by asking me when I was going to lose weight. I will never get over that comment. Never. I still have weight and serious self-esteem issues, and equate being worthy of love with being skinny. Don't put up with this.

[annyong]

SueSue, I'm so sorry he said/did that to you. He's a lucky man that you stuck around. I'm sure he realizes that, not that it makes it one bit better.