I don't know what to do with DD. HELP!

[Deleted]

She's 4.5 . She's been acting up lately. Just... everything. She's sassing and talking back and HITTING me and telling me when I discipline her that she is not my friend/ isn't going to love me/ wants to hit me, etc. She has always had these knock down, drag out screaming fits, but they seemed to be getting better. Now they're getting worse again.

It takes all of my self control when she's having a tantrum and hitting me not to haul off and slap her back. Time outs have never worked with her. Taking away things like dessert works sometimes, but not lately. Reward charts used to work but her reward chart hasn't even been working lately. I talk calmly to her and explain consequences for her behavior. It's a zen exercise for me.

Sometimes I just try to hug her really tightly mid-tantrum because that seems to calm her down when she's completely flipped her lid, but it's hard when she's writhing around and screaming like a spider monkey.

What am I missing? Anything else I can try?

[saraandmichael]

dude. we have been through this with evan. hell, we still go through it from time to time.

i warn to stop the behavior, then if he does it again i put him in his room for 10 minutes. he will cry and scream and say he hates me, but i will not go in there until 10 minutes is done. after 10 minutes i walk in, get to his eye level and say "it wasn't nice of you to _________. we do not do ______ and i do not want you to do that again." or some variation thereof. sometimes i tell him he hurt my heart or if he has scratched me (which he has done plenty) i tell him that it really hurts and show him the marks he made.

then i tell him if he does that again he will be back in his room and he will lose _____ privilege.

its not a perfect system, but it gives he and i both time to calm down and keeps me in control of the situation. and he also has learned to be remorseful and to apologize for his actions without being told to say he is sorry.

i'm sorry you're dealing with this...its awful and pretty difficult.

[Deleted]

Sara, how do you keep him in his room? The only way I can put her in her room is if I sit outside the door and hold it shut while she throws her entire body against the door trying to get out. No kind of time outs work with her. She just runs away and screams some more.

[saraandmichael]

well, i'm probably going to get flamed to high hell for this, but i turned his doorknob around so that the lock is on the outside.

evan is the same...the only way he will stay is if i am holding the doorknob.

[bab]

WOW! I would send her to her room for a specified number of minutes. Turn the doorknobs around if you have to so the lock is on the outside and you can control it.

[bab]

Jul 10, 2012 20:23:03 GMT -5 saraandmichael said:

well, i'm probably going to get flamed to high hell for this, but i turned his doorknob around so that the lock is on the outside.

evan is the same...the only way he will stay is if i am holding the doorknob.

HA!
No flames from me dude!

[cotner]

Have you read 123 Magic, I find the techniques to work when I am following through with them. Similar to sara it has you do timeouts in their room. Basically to give yourself a time out so you don't loose it. I also do TO for sass, in your room till you can have a better attitude. She can play all she wants in there, the point is to get out of my hair so I don't beat her.

The I don't love you anymore stings, though I know she doesn't mean it. I always just tell her very calmly and loving, well I love you, every time she says it. She doesn't go to that much anymore.

[missyny]

Do you think she needs more sleep?

My next suggestion is possible therapy of some sort. Seems like a lot is pent up...poor love.

[Deleted]

I won't flame you - my sisters said they had to do the same with their kids. Apparently trying to escape runs in the family I may try this when we own our own house next month.

Today, when I had been holding her door shut for about 10 seconds, DS started calling me from downstairs "Mommmy! I need you!" and I said "Just a second!" and then I realized he was shouting rather urgently, so I let go of the door, ran downstairs, and he was standing in the bathroom, in a puddle of pee, with poop in his pants, which of course fell on the floor when I got him on to the toilet. He couldn't figure out how to use the toilet on his own. Poor kid. But good God, I wanted a glass of wine right then. On the upside, DD ran down after me and stopped her tantrum when she saw the mess. LOL!

[daisyheadmaizie]

I know people say that the 2's and 3's are the worst, but 4 has been a huge trial for us. When she is good, she is so good and when she is bad, she is so bad. We have a lot of the same problems as you. The one thing that I have found to be helpful is when she gets in a mood, I will send her to her room for about 1/2 hour. It isn't a punishment, I just tell her that I think we both need a little alone time, put her in her room, let her pick a music cd, and then leave her be. A lot of times, this is the break we need to avoid a full blown tantrum.

Sometimes, I don't catch it soon enough and she throws the biggest tantrum ever. In fact, last night she told me that she already knew what her consequences would be and she just didn't care when I went to talk to her after her time out. We have the same problem with keeping her in her room. I usually just keep putting her back until she realizes I am not going to give in. Although, I may use Sara's tip, because I am now on modified bed rest and not supposed to be up, let alone lifting and carrying a kicking and screaming 4 year old.

[hisno1girl]

I have zero problems with locking kids in their rooms in the manner you described.

[annyong]

Sara's advice is spot on. Consistency is the key here. If you say you're taking away a privilege, actually follow through. Giving in and not following through is the worst thing you can in these types of situations.

Good luck!!

[prettyinpink]

My friend discovered that her 4 year old DD is actually sits through time out and gets the point of it if she has it do it in front of everyone. So she pulls a chair in the middle of the living room and makes her sit there. She is not allowed to talk to anyone during her TO. But the face that she is embarrassed of being in TO helps for some reason.

However I have no children so take what I'm telling you with a grain of salt.

[TemperanceBrennan]

I don't have kids. But, when I was my sisters guardian I took a parenting class for people with teens. One of the things they talked about, if you think you are going to have a fight or something, is to change the subject or do something to get their mind off of the current situation. Before it escalated to full blown screaming, hitting, etc. Like one of the moms use to lick her kids face (he was 10). He would think it was gross and that would immediately stop the argument/tantrum/whatever. Could you do something like that? I'm not saying that specifically, but something that she wouldn't normally expect as a reaction from you, that would interrupt her train of thought and then it wouldn't turn into her hitting you or sassing, etc.
If you notice she is starting to have a tantrum, could you all of the sudden say "1, 2, 3 HIDE!" and play hide and seek for a few minutes. Maybe she will calm down and have fun and the tantrum will be averted.
I get that if she is hitting you or something she needs to be disciplined, but if that's not working with her right now, maybe something a little different will help. I hope you figure it out!
Good luck!

[papie]

I just want to give you a hug, omg, poor you! The pee and poo and tantrum, ugh.

I also do something similar to what sara says. But sometimes in a not so calm manner, with my "onemoremoveandyouaredead" voice.

She stays in her room now, but initially we had one of those doorknob childproof things on. I eventually took it out, but now she will stay there. Not sure how well it would work for a 4yo, otherwise I would also turn the doorknob around.

[youbetcha]

I posted about this the other day because my son has also turned a bit crazy. I am doing the more protein thing and it is helping. From what I understand this is developmentally normal. They are starting to want some independence and control and get super pissed when they are not getting that.

One thing that I also think has helped recently is giving him more to help with around the house. Having to do stuff like little chores or running to get something for me more often than he was before has planted the seed that I control what happens around here when we are outside of a tantrum situation and then when he is in one, he is more likely to chill out.

However, Sue Sue has inspired me to be more hardcore next time he acts up.

[youbetcha]

Also, didn't you somewhat recently start staying home? I started working 20 hours a week so I am home MWF. He seemed to start some of this when I did that. I wonder if they are just a little sick of us. LOL But seriously, I do think that changing his routine has upset his world a little.

[drrn04]

((hugs)) to you weeble. I know how completely infuriating that can be, and Natalie (also 4.5) does the same thing w/ the screaming in her room hysteria. And I have to say, I kind of chuckled at all the redirection comments above, because although I know they were well intentioned, redirection is not something that works on my kid. She (like her dad) fixates on something and nothing short of a house fire will redirect her attention. We can go from awesome day to demon possessed my child in 5 seconds. No exaggeration.

I have found that everyone seems to have a better day if I push protein all.day.long. Eggs or protein rich cereal for breakfast, hotdog/ham/chicken nuggets/lots of cheese for lunch an dinner. Protein enriched pasta products, yogurt, you name it. It hasn't stopped the tantrums completely, but it has helped.

Something else that has helped immensely: minimal electronics. The TV isn't on, at all, in our house during the day. If she wants to watch something, she can pick one show to watch, one time during the day. 30 minutes total. I let her pick between after breakfast, while I make lunch, after her rest, or after dinner. I make it very clear that that is the *only* time she will be watching anything, and to not ask me again, and if she freaks out, there is no tv at all the next day. I limit computer time, and her leapster time as well. Like, set the timer for 15 minutes, and then it's over for the day. If she's good, I'll give her another 15 minute session later. Something about electronics just turn a switch in her head and she becomes really unpleasant, so while it sucks to not be able to sit her down for a movie and go get stuff done, it makes for a much nicer day in the long run.

When she does freak out, it takes every ounce of energy I have not to completely lose my shit on her. Lately we've started putting her in her room until she calms down. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes, sometimes it takes 30. But I know I can't talk rationally to her when she's like that, so I just let her scream it out. But I told her I will NOT have that type of behavior downstairs, so if she needs to scream, she can do it in her room.

Good luck. I hope today goes better for you guys.

[eddy]

Dot and buzz that is a great idea for tv. It is a constant fight in our house and does impact his attitude.

[mrsjuleshs]

The lock was on the outside of her door when she was little because she would not stay in time out. Then she would bang on the door or throw things at it. I calmly took away whatever she threw at it without speaking a word to her. Completely ignore during the time out. Basically, I did exactly what Sara did. It sucked but it worked.

[ECB]

I have to ditto the protein thing! Not too long ago, DS was acting up. I knew he had had plenty of sleep, and I just couldn' t figure out what was up w/ him. I fed him a PB&J sandwhich, and he was totally fine after that. It wasn't about hunger, per se. He needed more than just a simple snack.