If you knew your dad, what was/is he like?

[scotty]

As far as division of labor goes, gender roles with your mom, etc. Assuming they lived together and you remember it.

I should have included moms in here to further comparisons to expectations with our H's, but I forgot. Oops.

[thebamker]

My dad didn't do anything, but he wasn't ever home b/c he was drinking at the bar. He was also a lot older than most of 'your' dads... so even if he wasn't a drunk, he probably still wouldn't have helped much.

My stepdad is really good about that stuff and has always done cooking/cleaning, etc.

[iamgrace]

He was an absolute jerk. Treated my mom like a pile of garbage and his kids not much better. He was a liar and a cheater. Terrible with money and made rash decisions lightly.

That being said, he did did housework regularly and is a great cook. He cooked as often as my mom. He made amazing birthday cakes.

[MWOS]

My parent's viewed their life as a mutual pile of shit that needed to get done. If they are sitting on the couch watching TV, they'll both fold the laundry in the basket. They each have their strengths but it's not masculine vs. feminine. My dad is better at ironing, but my mom does it if he's busy with something else. Basically, all the people do all the things.

[housegeek]

My dad is pretty awesome. He worked full time and some, my mom stayed at home. But he fully supported me going into the military and every other endeavor I've tried so far. And he doesn't have a problem with me working, but he does believe that my H needs to support the family ( which my H was raised to believe as well, so it works).

[wrathofkuus]

Oh. Umm, he's less parent-y than my mom, and doesn't care as much about the house or how things look or reflect on him (though he does care some). And he isn't much into family stuff, possibly thinking that it's the role of the women in the family to maintain relationships. He does enjoy cooking, though, and he's the one who washes dishes.

His gender expectations of me are kind of vague, more so than his expectation of women in general. I've always gotten the sense that he thought I was too stubborn and volatile to bother molding into "the proper woman", if that makes sense. This isn't to say that he doesn't love me, or even that he doesn't like me, because he does. I just always got the sense that he felt that any effort to mold me into something would be wasted energy.

[sugarbear]

My dad raised my brother and me by himself (my mom died when I was 7). He is an amazing man. He did whatever cooking and cleaning he had to do, that we couldn't help him with. We ate a lot of "church casserole" (whatever dishes the congregation left on our doorstep) and pizza, but he did have a few specialty dishes. He's a great cook now.

He worked his ass off when I was in middle and high school when he bought a failing company. I remember being alone a lot, but we always checked in by phone, he was always at my important events, and we've always been close. And, even when I was home alone, I felt proud of him for working so hard.

Today, his business is successful, he is remarried to a wonderful woman, and I see him a few times per week.

[bte4242]

My Dad did laundry, dishes, cleaned and cooked. He even went to my parent teacher conferences. My Mom did these things too, but she had excuses not to do things. They are divorced now. He always taught me that even if you fail at something at least you tried. He also believes that you should dust yourself off and try again, which I've done and succeeded. I always joke that he looks and has the same humor as Chevy Chase haha!!!

Even though he believes in equal roles between genders, I ended up as a 50's housewife lol!

[dowagercountess]

My step-dad is an asshole. My mom worked full-time. He is big on laundry, and he used to half-ass clean.

[Deleted]

My dad was great growing up and still is. He does anything he can to help us (his kids.) He works 40+ hours a week and also runs a family farm with my uncle and cousins.

Mom worked from the time I was 13 or so. She went back to school before that and he was very supportive. We were asked to stop our sports when mom went back to school because there was no one around to take us. I was fine with that, I wasn't really athletic anyway but sister was devastated. Dad took the time to make sure she got to practice and games, even if he had to put off farm work or had to ask someone else to take her(which was really rare.)

He is conservative and religious but not to the "Crazy" point and is as OK as he can be about me marrying and being a super liberal. He will be 55 at the end of the month and is hoping to retire to the farm by 60. He will never stop the farm work, it is his passion. Grandfather did farm work until he was hospitalized indefinitely at the end of his life and Dad will be the same way.

He also babysits my sister's step kids when needed and my bro's baby. Mom does the same. Both are very supportive.

[bte4242]

Jul 11, 2012 16:27:05 GMT -5 bte4242 said:

My Dad did laundry, dishes, cleaned and cooked. He even went to my parent teacher conferences. My Mom did these things too, but she had excuses not to do things. They are divorced now. He always taught me that even if you fail at something at least you tried. He also believes that you should dust yourself off and try again, which I've done and succeeded. I always joke that he looks and has the same humor as Chevy Chase haha!!!

Even though he believes in equal roles between genders, I ended up as a 50's housewife lol!

Oh, and he also taught me how to sew AND put out a fire. My friends thought that was funny

[birdistheword]

I remember my mom and dad usually splitting things 50/50. She did most of the housework, and he did most of the outdoor work, but they also switched it up from time to time. They always cooked dinner together, and still do.

My husband came from a household where his mom stayed home, and pretty much everything home related was her responsibility. It makes for an...interesting dynamic in our house sometimes as far as expectations go

[eightangryreindeer]

My dad's sisters were responsible for cleaning up after him growing up.

He worked hard from a young age and I remember him working late more than a few times when I was growing up. He worked hard to move up at work and to bring more money home for his family.

He knew how to cook Weekend Breakfast, other than that I don't remember him ever cooking, other than being responsible for grilling the meat if we were grilling.

My sister and I were responsible for clearing the table after dinner while he stayed seated, relaxing. I think my mom did the dishes.

My sister and I had chores from a young age but they were not gender-confined, I mowed the lawn, for instance.

He taught me to drive and how to use tools and be handy with them.

My mother went back to work full time when my sister and I were tweens, at that point one of my chores became making dinner most nights.

I had a job outside the home at 16 because I was expected to contribute.

My mother still does all of the cleaning but these days my dad contributes probably 50% of the cooking/cleanup.

It was never questioned that I would go to college even though I was female and his mother was the first woman in her family to graduate from college. She was a formidable woman.

He has never made me feel like a failure or less than a woman because of my decision not to have children.

[hubes]

My dad really taught me a lot of things- he really expected that it didn't matter that I was a girl, I could do everything a boy could do. I was a tomboy, and that was okay with him.

But he is purely patriarchal and a workaholic. He doesn't do any housework at all, and expects that everyone should listen to what he says. He doesn't take differing opinions into account.

I still really look up to my dad because he is a hard worker and when I was little he was such an amazing dad, but the older I get, the more and more glad I am that I moved away and he doesn't influence my daily life.

[Deleted]

My dad tries to do housework and cook, and he is a good cook, but mom always would rather do it generally because its "not what she wanted for dinner" or he doesn't fold the clothes properly.

[Marle]

My dad never did anything unless he absolutely had to. In my house the women were the ones who did it all. We had a maid in and off. He started doing some minor things when we were grown up and gone.

[lucky513]

My dad was a hard working truck driver; he also played the drums, so a lot of my childhood memories were of parties and late night band rehearsals. He was a great dad even though my parent’s didn’t get along after the little siblings were born; he always kept it civil even when my mom wouldn’t. He always made sure we had food to eat and a place to stay. It got really rough for us when I was about 16 and my parents separated, we had to live in Hotels. My mom ended up losing custody of the little siblings and he did his best to raise toddlers on his own. He cleaned and cooked some of my best recipes are fim him. He was a kid at heart and didn’t really grow out of it he passed away by crashing a dune buggy 3 years ago.

[Deleted]

My dad's fairly conservative too.

But, he did as much or sometimes more housework than my mom. He often cooked for us. Enjoys lively discussion of current events or issues with a lot of different opinions. He seeks out people who disagree with him because he feels talking to them makes him think deeper about the topic/issue.

I never got any idea from him about what women were "supposed" to be like. I got that from my mom a lot though.

He'd spend a day taking me and my sister shopping and on other days he'd play softball with us.

He loves baseball, yard work and fixing things too.

I'd say he's pretty well rounded.

[gretchenindisguise]

My parents were kind of opposite of traditional gender roles. My mom had kids because my dad wanted them.

My dad cooks and cleans much more than my mom. And always has.

When I was a young kid - I cried for daddy from the crib, not mommy.

My dad worked out of town for a period of time, but switched to a different position when were in elementary/middle/early high school so that he could be home and not away. It wasn't until my Jr/Sr year that he started working out of town again.

My mom tried to stay at home, but we drove her crazy. My dad gave her an ultimatum - go back to work or school. She chose school and got her PhD. Then worked full time thereafter. I was ~6/7 when she graduated.

[Deleted]

I don't know my bio dad, but my stepdad raised from 2 years of age. I grew up thinking that he was a helicopter parent, never leaving me alone with school and my friends. Whenever I had an issue at school, he would be there to fix it for me, he would hang out with my friends when they came over and wouldn't go away and he tried to write the essays I submitted for college scholarships. But between him and my mom, they would split household chores. I grew up thinking my mom was a horrible person and hated me. Likewise, she thought I was the same.

I found out 2 years ago, my dad was manipulating us into thinking those things. He would tell me that my mom said horrible things about me and would do the same about my mom. My mom and I hated each other until my senior year of college.

He lied to us both about jobs he was currently working, about things he had done in his past (he claimed he had 2 bachelors degrees, when he only held 1 associates). Needless to say, he and my mom divorced two years ago neither of us talk to him unless absolutely necessary. There's so much in my life that I no longer know if it's true or some lie that he made up. And my mom and I are making up for lost time.

[maryjane]

i didn't grow up in a 2 parent home.

but i can say my dad is amazing and supportive of my decisions. he doesn't care if i'm a SAHW/M or a career driven woman, as long as i'm happy- that's all that matters to him.

sorry scotty, i don't think i really answered your question.

[winnied]

My dad traveled quite a bit so even if he wanted to help more it would be been difficult. He worked a lot at his normal 9-5 job and then he had a side business with my uncle as well. He worked hard so my mom could work part time and take care of the kids and her mother. Once I was around 8 or 9 they were able to afford a bi-weekly cleaning service and lawn mowing service and I think that helped a lot as far as chores went.

Now that he's older he does a lot of the laundry and helps with dishes more, when he can. He still travels two weeks at a time so it's still hard. He started to help more when my mother's health declined for a few years.

[WOT?*]

What I know of my dad and what my mom tells me are two different things. According to her he wa a lousy husband, and he probably was. But he was a good dad.

He was "the provider" but then, that's how it was back then for most couples. She wanted to SAH and raise the kids and join Jaycee-ettes and be the Scout den mother and all that fun stuff. He worked so she could. He even joined the clubs and church so she could do her socialization thing, although it wasn't his thing. It's how life was back in the day.

He was quite different before the divorce and after. Before, he was the guy who made the money and paid the bills and he'd come home and read the paper. He built us forts in the backyard and tossed us in the pool to teach us to swim. He painted and did the "guy" stuff while my mom did the "woman of the house" stuff. But this was also back in the '60s and '70s where there was a much more obvious and "acceptable" hierarchy of man/woman stuff.

After the divorce, he cooked and cleaned and did all the stuff that needed to be done because he was a single dad to my brother. If he didn't do it then it didn't get done. When we girls were over, he took us camping and hiking and to play in the river. Things he liked to do that he thought we'd enjoy. My sisters still resent him for doing "guy" stuff with them and "not what girls wanted to do" and it pisses me off. But then I've been divorced and they haven't so what do they know? He was a single guy who tried to support a family in two different households 25 miles apart in the 1970s and it wasn't his choice. I learned to shoot, fix cars, camp and basically find something to enjoy in whatever I was doing from him. I'm totally a girly-girl and there's not a thing I would change about learning to shoot, camp and get dirty from my dad.

[Deleted]

My dad is a dickhole. Aggressive, controlling and violent during the few short years he lived with us. Then suddenly uber-Jewish and repenting and all that nonsense. And I think he legitimately believes none of it happened since he's turned over to religion.

Now he likes to tell everyone about how we all turned out so great because of him.

He really had no part in raising us. My mom was a single mother who did everything.

He's really been nothing but a huge grey cloud my entire life.

[KKD]

My parents had traditional gender roles -- dad is/was the breadwinner and repair man, mom stayed home and took care of the cooking, cleaning and childcare -- but those lines were often blurred.

Dad helped us with our homework (especially once it got too tough for Mom) and always coached our sports teams. He rarely cooked dinner, and if anything it was probably just burgers and hot dogs, but Sunday brunch after church has always been his specialty. I can't picture him ever cleaning back then, but he is neat and certainly does his fair share now and gets on our cases if any of us ever make a mess when we're home with them. He's never had "his" chair, and in fact I can't even remember him ever sitting still when we were kids. He was always practicing with us or working around the house or just plain working.

It's not too different in my house, actually. My H reminds me a lot of my dad. Just nowhere near as handy, unfortunately.

[usuallylurking]

My mom and dad both worked full time, dad also worked half-ish days on Saturdays.

Mom did all of the vacuuming, dusting, mopping, cleaning and laundry. She rarely cooked, though she was often the one who made us lunches on the weekends. She was responsible for the fruit and/or veggies for dinner. She also handled the flower gardening. Dad did (almost) all of the cooking, all of the grocery shopping, the dishes, bath time for me and my 2 younger sisters - including brushing out our hair afterwards! He also handled the vegetable garden and other yard stuff; mowing, trimming, watering, snow shoveling, etc.

Dad is a pretty conservative Republican, and came from an extremely well off Catholic family with 7 older brothers and sisters. His mom stayed at home, his dad worked OOT M-F, they also had a cleaning lady/cook/nanny. They went to private Catholic school. Despite all of this, I don't remember it ever coming into play with his and Mom's roles, nor the way he raised us as his daughters. He raised us to be strong and independent; he had no expectations regarding the family we may/may not have, when we might be married by, what profession we may choose, etc. He's funny, and doesn't speak much. Which means that when he does, we listen and it means a lot.

My H comes from a dad like yours, scotty, and it has caused a huge hang-up for us re: household responsibilities. I had an example of equal division of labor my entire life. My H did not. Finding the right balance with both of us being happy about the woman/wife/mother roles vs the man/husband/father roles has been an ongoing challenge, and one we still have not perfected.

I love my dad. My mom died 2 months after I turned 19. My younger sisters were 16 and just-turned 13. He has really shown me the kind of man that he is, not just the kind of dad that he is.

[flex]

Jul 11, 2012 16:23:38 GMT -5 iamgrace said:

He was an absolute jerk. Treated my mom like a pile of garbage and his kids not much better. He was a liar and a cheater. Terrible with money and made rash decisions lightly.

That being said, he did did housework regularly and is a great cook. He cooked as often as my mom. He made amazing birthday cakes.

My dad was like this--a big-time womanizer, and spent a bunch of money irresponsibility to buy man "toys" which caused hardship on my family.

BUT he didn't cook, etc. That is "women's work". I will say, though, that he took me hunting and fishing and included me in a lot of the sporty things he did. Probably because he didn't have any boys. I often wonder if I would have been included if I had had any brothers.

[Deleted]

Also my dad was never one of those parents that feel like they are "babysitting" their own children. My brother is getting this mentality and I don't know where it is coming from.

[underwaterrhymes]

He is charming and selfish and funny and about 75% awesome and 25% asshole. (This percentage used to be reversed. He was a shitty husband to my mom and only in recent years has learned to be a better one to my stepmom.) He's super sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily, but is the first to say "buck up" to someone else. Which can be aggravating as hell, but if you know how to kiss his ass (like I do) it's manageable, but is really freaking hard if you won't cater to his BS (like my sister). He's courageous and is doing a super job with AA. He's a terrific cook and mocks my pescetarianism mostly (I think) because now I can't eat any of the things he used to cook for me.

I love him a lot.

[Deleted]

Traditional, critical, judgmental, unreasonable.