75 Thoughts Every Runner Has

[Deleted]

This has me laughing out loud at my desk. 

www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/thoughts-every-jogger-has-while-out-for-a-running?bffb

1. What a beautiful day for a jog!

2. This sucks.

3. Well, five miles is only two and half miles each way, which is basically two miles each way, so I’m really only running four miles. That’s not too far.

4. It’s starting to feel far.

5. How long have I been running? A year?

6. SIX MINUTES?!

7. I can barely remember what my life was like before I started this run.

8. OK, concentrate. There are still four-plus miles to go.

9. But who counts the first and last mile? This is pretty much an easy three miler.

10. Oh, shit! A fellow jogger!

11. Should I wave?

12. I’m totally gonna wave.

13. OOOK, they didn’t wave back. Never doing that again.

14. Just keep running, no one saw. Except that old guy who may or may not be averting his eyes.

15. Man, I think I’m hitting that “second wind” thing my gym coach was talking about.

16. Wait, never mind. I’ve been running down a decline.

17. If I leap to avoid dog shit, does that make me a CrossFit athlete?

18. What the heck is CrossFit anyway?

19. Mental reminder: Google CrossFit when I get home.

20. If I ever get home.

21. If I had a heart attack right now, I wonder who would find my body.

22. OMG, I hope I never find a dead body. Joggers always find dead bodies.

23. Bodies. Body. Bod-ay. Runnin’ all day, no one can catch … may.

24. OK, I must be halfway done by now.

25. What?! Only two miles in?

26. Alright, stay focused. What am I going to eat when I get home?

27. I’m running five miles so I should probably eat five slices of pizza.

28. Or I could buy one pizza and ask them to cut it into five slices.

29. I should probably get a side salad too.

30. …

31. Fuck the salad actually.

32. Man, what are these people doing in front of me? Walking?!

33. Is this a contest to see who’s the worst at walking? Because you are both champions in my heart.

34. Maybe if I pound my feet on the ground they’ll hear me coming and let me pass.

35. Oh, God. They’re didn’t turn around and now I’m right behind them. They’re going to think they’re getting mugged by the world’s sweatiest criminal.

36. You know what? Now seems like a good time to run in the street.

37. * Jumps off curb * Parkour!

38. Hi hi hi please don’t hit me with your car.

39. Pedestrian pedestrianizing over here, let me cross.

40. Thank you, Mr. Blue Honda. I’m trying to smile at you but it probably looks like I’m having a stroke.

41. Actually, I wonder what I look like right now.

42. * Checks out reflection in shop window * Yeesh.

43. Is that what I look like when I run? What am I, a newborn deer with a drinking problem?

44. Whatever, I must be almost done by now.

45. Heck yes. Three miles down, two to go. It’s all downhill from here.

46. Except for that very real uphill in front of me. God damnit.

47. Wait, is that… Is that…

48. A DOG!

49. Hi dog! You are so cute. You are now my mascot. I will finish this run for you, pup.

50. And — hello — what do we have here? Your human is pretty cute too.

51. Hope you like drunk fawns, Cute Human.

52. Watch my bambi ass prance up this hill.

53. Holy shit, prancing is exhausting. I am exhausted.

54. Honestly, I don’t even like running.

55. Why do I even run?

56. Why does anyone even run?

57. Why are we even alive?

58. OK, let’s not go down that road.

59. Focus. Focus on that sweet, delicious ‘za waiting at the finish line, calling your name with its cheesy breath.

60. Wait, less than one mile to go? I am KILLING this run.

61. I AM THE SWIFTEST GOD OF ALL TWO-LEGGED CREATURES.

62. YES, including ostriches.

63. Honestly, I should sign up for a marathon.

64. What is it, like 30 miles?

65. That’s just 15 miles each way, which is practically 10, and 10 is twice five, and I can run five miles EASY.

66. That’s it, I’m doing it. Thirty miles.

67. Thirty mile marathon… 30 mile marathon…30 Rock marathon.

68. On second thought, I’ll probably just binge-watch every episode of 30 Rock. That takes a lot of dedication and I will be winded from laughing so hard.

69. But I could probably do a marathon IF I wanted.

70. OK, almost home. Should I shower first and order pizza or order pizza and shower before it shows up?

71. Yep, definitely ordering first. I earned that shit.

72. Oh, no. Oh god no. Another runner. Should I wave?

73. No, be strong! Do not get burned again.

74. OMG, SHE waved first! Hello! Yes! We are both runners! Look at us run!

75. I guess running’s not so bad.

[sassystace]

LOL. My version would have a couple of thoughts about not stopping until my Garmin reads a certain number. For example,
76. Oh no, my Garmin says 5.12 miles, can't stop now. Gonna have to run till a nice round number like 5.5 or 6.0.

[shellfish26]

Hilarious! This is me, exactly. I'm pretty sure I've had a conversation with every squirrel in Maryland.

47. Wait, is that… Is that…
48. A DOG!
49. Hi dog! You are so cute. You are now my mascot. I will finish this run for you, pup.

[clseale]

Ha! I was just coming to post this. Love it.

[CallingAllAngels]

ha, this is me: "Thank you, Mr. Blue Honda. I’m trying to smile at you but it probably looks like I’m having a stroke." Especially since getting braces. In my head, I look rough when I try to run and smile.

[joenali]

Soooooo true!!

[kams]

Hope you like drunk fawns, cute human!

[Brit]

Mine would include dodging packs of kids on scooters crossing my path every two seconds "maintain a straight line scooter kid while I pass on the left...shit ok, on your right...where's your helmet?...no on the left...don't hit me you little creep!...where is your nanny?...obliviously scarfing down KFC on a park bench, typical...don't the parents around here know that they are paying nannies to let their kids drive around like reckless monsters on scooters?...never getting a nanny...shit another scooter kid"

[gt7301b]

Apr 4, 2014 9:18:51 GMT -5 @mn06 said:

Too funny! I could totally relate to these:
34. Maybe if I pound my feet on the ground they’ll hear me coming and let me pass.
35. Oh, God. They’re didn’t turn around and now I’m right behind them. They’re going to think they’re getting mugged by the world’s sweatiest criminal.

I have passed a few walkers and taken them by surprise because they didn't hear me. Some have literally screamed and scaredy-cat jumped to the side and I felt so bad. I always apologize but usually have fits of giggles to myself as I continue running. Now if they don't turn around, I try to pound my feet a little, clear my throat, or do the old bike trick "on your left."

This happens to me when I run at lunch ALL THE TIME. The walkers are usually waking in packs of 2-3, so I have to pass on the grass. I also say "excuse me" when I pass, but they are always shocked someone is passing them.

[cole]

Lol, I ran a 5k a couple weeks ago and started thinking we must be getting close to the mid-point turn around and then shortly after passed the 1 mile sign.

I'm pretty sure this was my exact thought process (except much higher than six minutes)
5. How long have I been running? A year?
6. SIX MINUTES?!
7. I can barely remember what my life was like before I started this run.

[katyintx]

Oh Lord yes. All of this. But I'd add "Oh my G, what was that rustling of leaves? Was it a bird? Rabbit? Coyote? Do coyotes eat humans? Oh no, what if it was a wild boar? Are there wild boars around here? Can you fend off a coyote with pepper spray? Oh God, who's going to find my body?"

Yup... I am a paranoid runner. I had a coyote cross my path one morning and I was on the verge of having a panic attack the rest of the run.

[Brit]

katyintx - Coyotes are nasty beasts. I would be scared by that too. We had a lot of coyotes at our house in IN and they totally freaked me out, especially when I took my dog out at night. I was terrified that he would get tangled up with them.

[venice2007]

Lol lol lol omg I've thought of almost all of those. I think most on today's run! Haha

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2014 9:56:34 GMT -5 cole said:

Lol, I ran a 5k a couple weeks ago and started thinking we must be getting close to the mid-point turn around and then shortly after passed the 1 mile sign.

I'm pretty sure this was my exact thought process (except much higher than six minutes)
5. How long have I been running? A year?
6. SIX MINUTES?!
7. I can barely remember what my life was like before I started this run.

#7 killed me, I was laughing so hard.

[Deleted]

My additional thoughts would be:

Hey my knee is aching
Normal ache or injury ache
Definitely injury ache. Oh god, here we go, calling the husband to come get me
Hey look at that tree.... *distracted minutes pass*
Hey my knee doesn't hurt! Dammit now I have to keep running.

[kams]

katyintx coyotes are legitimately scary, though! We have them here, and occasionally one will spend a few days checking out some of our more populated trails. I came face to face with one really early in the morning last summer - it was not a breezy experience for me!

[CallingAllAngels]

I usually have some variation of:

Oh crap, I need to use the bathroom. Where is the closest bathroom? Oh look, people playing in their yard. How weird would it be to ask them to use their bathroom? The car outside that house has a 26.2 sticker. Surely they would understand if I knocked and asked to use their bathroom. How far away is that porta-potty anyway? Which is worse - dropping trou and pooping on the sidewalk or pooping my pants? I could try to hide in those bushes. Oh no, people will definitely see me. Why did I wear such bright colors today?

[setsail1999]

How did they get in my head?! Hysterical. And the running up behind people is totally me. I run on the boardwalk and on nice days it is jammed packed with dogs, walkers, kids, bikes and I always misjudge the gap so I get stuck behind a group walking 4 across blocking the whole darn boardwalk.

I think my dog thinks those things as well. She gets super serious, then gets goofy when she gets tired and gets serious again if we pass when we pass someone. She makes eye contact and wiggles with passing runners but gets depressed if they don't smile back. Occasionally I see her looking out over the water, at the houses, just taking in the sights. She's the best running partner ever lol.

I also make note of all of the things I want to eat because nothing is worse than running along the beach during the summer season lol. I run by 2 ice cream shops, a candy store, a bakery, a mexican joint, a kettle popcorn shop, 2 pizza places, 2 seafood restuarants, 1 BBQ place, and a fried chicken place. Oh, and a funnel cake/snow cone stand. I've ended my run down at the beach instead of running back to my car so I could call my DH to pick me up and buy me ice cream *blush*.

[clseale]

Apr 4, 2014 10:03:16 GMT -5 Brit said:

katyintx - Coyotes are nasty beasts. I would be scared by that too. We had a lot of coyotes at our house in IN and they totally freaked me out, especially when I took my dog out at night. I was terrified that he would get tangled up with them.

This happened to our friends who live in OR, except the coyote was all cool & breezy, like he was one of the pack. Apparently their 2 dogs ran off into the woods. They called for them as they continued to walk. A few minutes later, they joined them back on the trail. It took our friends a few seconds, but then they were all, "Wait a sec. One, two...three?? We only have two dogs..."   He stayed close by for a bit, then ran off.

[bostonmichelle]

This was me in my run last week. Except I had walkers two across that I passed twice and the sidewalk is only 2 across and neither of them moved so I had to kind of do that awkward run in place thing to the side so they wouldn't walk straight into me. Also insert some stuff about my garmin and checking it to see where we were.

[taratru]

This is ALL ME:

65. That’s just 15 miles each way, which is practically 10, and 10 is twice five, and I can run five miles EASY.

[jchokie79]

Pretty much!

I saw a dog on the trail last weekend by himself and asked him if he was lost and where he lived. Yeah...

[jchokie79]

AND can I saw how much I suck at doing math? It always takes me forever to figure out how many miles left from a landmark because I have to double back.

[jene]

LOL, I love this

[breezy8407]

This is awesome.

I do the math thing constantly. I do the I am half way to the halfway point. Not 1/4 done, because that sounds worse. Ha ha.

I had a run in with a coyote, too. I was scared!

[marcyiam]

Apr 4, 2014 8:38:48 GMT -5 sassystace said:

LOL. My version would have a couple of thoughts about not stopping until my Garmin reads a certain number. For example,
76. Oh no, my Garmin says 5.12 miles, can't stop now. Gonna have to run till a nice round number like 5.5 or 6.0.

Nope, I'm the opposite.  lol  I canNOT end on an even .5 or .0.  I figure if I can run that far, I can run at least .1 more, right?  But if I'm at a .4 or .9 I can't stop there, either.  It can't be more than .3 or .8 or I have to go to the next set.

And the kicker?  The amount of time I've been running works the same way.  So both time and distance have to work out before I can stop.  Stupid brain....  lol

[sassystace]

Apr 4, 2014 14:39:43 GMT -5 marcyiam said:

Apr 4, 2014 8:38:48 GMT -5 sassystace said:

LOL. My version would have a couple of thoughts about not stopping until my Garmin reads a certain number. For example,
76. Oh no, my Garmin says 5.12 miles, can't stop now. Gonna have to run till a nice round number like 5.5 or 6.0.

Nope, I'm the opposite.  lol  I canNOT end on an even .5 or .0.  I figure if I can run that far, I can run at least .1 more, right?  But if I'm at a .4 or .9 I can't stop there, either.  It can't be more than .3 or .8 or I have to go to the next set.

And the kicker?  The amount of time I've been running works the same way.  So both time and distance have to work out before I can stop.  Stupid brain....  lol

Ha,ha.  I do the time thing too.  Suddenly at the end of the run, I will decide I should run for time (1 hr, 1.5 hr, etc) instead of for whatever mileage I just ran. 

Neurotic, the whole lot of us!

[agswife]

Read this today and it is the absolute TRUTH.

[AAM2012]

I just came to post this. I am cracking up..my favorite is how I rationalize things:

64. What is it, like 30 miles?
65. That’s just 15 miles each way, which is practically 10, and 10 is twice five, and I can run five miles EASY.
66. That’s it, I’m doing it. Thirty miles.

[al320]

Love this!