Post by picksthemusic on Apr 11, 2014 12:08:39 GMT -5
So... lately, ILs have been over a lot more and we're seeing them more frequently due to house hunting and stuff. Fine, whatever. Problem is, that for the past couple of months, M has gotten in a habit of if we tell her 'no' or don't let her do something she wants to do, whatever, she cries. Sad, huge sobs with gigantic tears and lots of crying. I'm becoming immune to this, because I know it's a tactic to get what she wants. Well, when ILs are around, they hate to hear her cry, and they baby her and coddle her and pick her up and hug her and say, "Don't cry, baby, don't cry," and make a big fuss over her crying. J and I are trying to reinforce that if you cry, you don't get what you want. Plain and simple. MIL is better - she's more stoic and doesn't give in very easily. FIL? Total pushover. I think if I go to MIL first and try to explain to her that we're trying to make sure that M knows we love her and care for her, but do NOT give in to crying (unless it's for a real reason like she hurt herself or something) or whining, that she'll reinforce it with FIL.
The one thing I'm having a tougher time with? They like to bribe her with ice cream. Like, all the time. When we're at restaurants together, they always ask if she's going to get ice cream for dessert. Um, no. Ice cream is an occasional treat. Not an every night you get some kind of thing. We got her the teeny tiny cones that are about as big as your thumb for that purpose. They got the regular sized cones. Well, they have the tiny ones too, but they always use the regular ones. I tell them she doesn't need that much (especially since her dinner time is basically right before she goes to bed), but it's mostly blown off like I never said anything and they give her the big one anyway.
I try to talk to J about my concerns and it's met with, "It's just a little ice cream, it's not a big deal. Why do you have to make such a big deal?" and so it's like talking to a wall with him, too. Am I overly concerned? It is just ice cream... but I don't want an entitled, spoiled child (let alone an unnecessarily obese one!). Sorry, not sorry.
A lot of what spun said. It's okay sometimes to let grandparents get away with spoiling them, that's part of what grandparents are for, IMO. As long as not everyone is giving in, she knows that only certain people give in, that's fine. Grandparents brought that on themselves if they ever get tired of it. A small talk with them about it wouldn't hurt, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of it.
The ice cream on the other hand and I would throw a fit about. When I have a problem like this, and my h dismisses it the way your h did, I would tell him his option is to talk to them seriously or I will---and let him know that he does not want you to do it. I have flipped at my inlaws before, and h was very embarrassed about it that he does all the talking to them.........
If it's a nightly occurrence, then I'd be concerned too. But are you going to restaurants every day right now as you house hunt? We've instated a first Friday or Saturday of the month is a trip to get ice cream and that's that. He shares my cone. It's not nightly. It's every once in a while. Maybe every couple of weeks. But if we're with them for more than a few days (which happens often - we spend whole weekends with them), ice cream is mentioned as a bribe/offered for dessert nightly.
I have a lot of questions. You say they see her a lot right now, but once you get settled, how often will you see them? I let my mom spoil my son, cause I know he won't get to see her much anymore and just seeing her is a treat. When she lived with us, there were slightly different rules that my mom, more or less, obeyed, but not all the time (such as tv time). I had to learn to just let it go since it wasn't a battle that was worth it and Thor seemed to innately understand that the behavior exhibited with his grandmother does not fly with mom and dad. You're right - once we're settled, the visits will be much less frequent. We are, however, going on vacation with them (a long weekend in Victoria in June), and that's when all bets are off according to them.
I do think if you're consistent in your discipline, you will always get the same reaction, but you have to also become ok with the fact that our manipulative little kids (or maybe just mine?) will figure out fairly quickly they will get their way with grandpa or grandma and if they're around, run to them. Yes. This is becoming a huge problem when they're with us - we say no, she cries, and instantly goes to Tata or Toto for comfort or a 'yes' answer. Is it too much to ask that they back us up? I don't think so. My mom wouldn't undermine my authority.
For me, I'm ok with that. I'm ok with letting my mom be the 'fun' grandma for aforementioned reasons. I don't think it's negatively impacted him in our household. And maybe that's just my own hangups about his parents that I have to deal with, because I know it's not going to end any time soon. I just need to pick my battles. I'm getting better, but it's still a personal struggle. I think it's different with J because they're his parents... and like I've said before, he doesn't like to rock the boat with them... and yeah. I need to get over it.
I think the only thing that would upset me (keep in mind I have no kids yet!) Would be M going directly to them after you say no. Then they should back you up. My grandparents spoiled my cousin and I a TON growing up. I can't lie they still do today. I am none the worse for it. I knew if I was at grandma's there was a whole freezer of goodies for us and dessert was had with every meal and there would be a shopping trip where I could pick out anything I wanted, but that's not how it would be at home. Ever. Which was okay because grandma's house was special. I think if my grandparents had ever undermined my parents it would have made it more difficult for me to understand that grandma's house was not real life
I can definitely sympathize with ILs getting on your nerves, but think I'm in the boat of "pick your battles". My MIL doesn't understand bedtime and would keep G up until 10pm nightly when they're visiting if it were up to her. But then she makes comments under her breath about the misbehavior and tantrums which are the inevitable result of the lack of sleep. If we're only seeing them for one night, then we keep her up a little later but if it's going to be for a week then we stand firm on bedtime unless there's a particular special event that we might keep her up for once. I think I'd take the same stance on the ice cream. If the ice cream thing is important to you, then I'd pick a limit and stick to it with the ILs. Maybe ice cream once a week in a little cone, or one a weekend, or something like that.
As for the giving in easily to tears, it sounds frustrating in that it might be prolonging your having to deal with the same problem, but I guess I sort of feel like the grandparents' role is to spoil and give in, in a way. As long as it's not a daily thing, she'll quickly learn that she can get away with more with them, but not with you.