Sibling Issues

[lizard1131]

 Background: Our DD with ASD is 5 and her neurotypical sister is 3.  DD2 is very bright and I think DD1 and DD2 are meeting in the middle in terms of emotional maturity etc.

BUT lately DD2 seems to be regressing.  She wants to sleep with me, wants to be carried, constantly crying if DH and I leave even to get the mail.

I know she is struggling with her sister's increasingly negative behavior. I feel like our lives are in constant chaos right now.  How can I help DD2?  We do dates with each of the girls, and try to shield DD2 as much as possible, but I feel like it isn't enough.

[hopecounts]

My guess is that both of them are starting to realize that DD2 is catching up to DD1 and it is freaking them both out.
Most kids on the spectrum are roughly half their age developmentally so DD1 is right around DD2 developmentally, as that is becoming obvious to them both it is probably adding to DD1 acting out and DD2 regressing, both want to maintain the dynamic of big and little but developmentally DD2 is probably close to surpassing DD1 which is upsetting to both of them.

Can you look into age appropriate books for DD2 on having a sibling with ASD?
and speak to DD1's therapy team about the issue with both of them (if you haven't) and see if they can do some work with her on appropriate skills for DD1 that might help her feel like a 'big girl' compared to little sis. As well as just for general ideas for addressing everything that is going on.

[auntie]

I think there might be a couple things going on here- some related to having ASD in your family and some potentially garden variety.

It helps to think of ASD as the delay in social and emotional maturity; even when IQ is average or greater. A kid with an autism dx is likely about half their chronological age in terms of their development in these areas. It could be less than half if she's significantly impaired or atypical. Assuming your three is typical, she's not catching up- she's lapped DD 1 which can be confusing and upsetting for both of them. Even at 3, a typical kid will "get" that this isn't "normal".

I wouldn't call the three's behavior a regression, it sounds more like separation anxiety. Most threes are starting to move away from this, but a few typical kids still struggle with preschool drop off or babysitters. Does she get practice in this area? Is she OK being dropped off without you or her sister?

The other thought is that some of this behavior could be related to having an ASD dx in house. One option is that this behavior is a manipulative one that is a bid for attention. It could be she doesn't feel she's getting her share of the attention or is having to defer to her sister more than is fair and this is the outcome.

The other thought is that the siblings of kids on spectrum are much more likely than those with NT peers to have their own issues. In addition to a greater risk of ASD, anxiety is a common finding in the sibs of those on spectrum. This could be what you're seeing. You might just be seeing it now because it takes a certain amount of cognitive bandwidth to be this kind of anxious. Or you might be seeing the uptick in anxious behavior because things in the household have been more stressful for her- either because your older DD is in a harder phase or because she's more aware of the stress in the family dynamic.

[gnorah]

This coming from the perspective of someone who had/has a sibling with a severe mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder). Not that autism is a mental illness in the same way... but there was something different about my sister, I knew it and no one ever talked to me about it until I was an adult.

I felt like she was always getting preferential treatment, things I had to work for were just given to her and that kind of thing. When I was younger I really resented it. I've had some really great conversations with my parents since then where they have said if they could go back they would include me more so I understood the situation better.

Your kids are still little, but an idea would be to find age appropriate ways of talking to both girls about Autism, what it means, what it looks like and that kind of thing so that DD2 grows up understanding that there is something different about her sister and that DD1 understands why she is different. Does that make sense?