So, um, when does this get easier?

[chicago]

Just wondering when I can reasonably expect life to normalize a little bit. It seems strange to me that people I know who had babies around the same time as us are always out and about, at restaurants, going shopping, etc with their babies and a good day for me is putting on a clean pair of underwear. It's not me, I feel great and love being a mom, but I have a fussy kid who goes from cooing and smiling to hellacious screaming in .3 seconds. Showering during the day and leaving the house don't seem all that possible. I do it when I have to (pedi appts, etc), but I don't know how "everyone else" is doing it. When does life start to feel normal again?

[Deleted]

It really depends a lot on the baby. Mine did better out, so we went out. DD is less of a mess if we stay home, but she's done well tagging along with DS. I go crazy if I have them both and stay home all day.

[timorousbeastie]

I'm not much further ahead than you, but I have my good days and bad days. I shower at night, when H is home to get DD in case she wakes up. I make an effort to always get dressed during DD's first wake up in the morning, while she plays in the PNP after eating; otherwise, I'd probably never get out of my pjs. As for going out, it winds up being easier than expected. I always have to psych myself up for it, but once we are out, it's always gone well (mainly because DD usually falls asleep in the car, and will almost always sleep for hours if we're out of the house; I'm sure that will change soon enough!) And if she has a breakdown in public, well, that's going to happen sometimes. Just ignore any looks you get and move along.

Hugs. It does get better, slowly!

[karinothing]

I think part of it is just learning how to adapt to your baby. I am not sure if that makes sense. But DS used to scream every time I put him in the car and he used to scream every single time he was in the stroller. I went out with friends in the mall/parks/whatever with him just screaming all the time. I mean it sucked, but it was better than being stuck in the house and he eventually fell asleep. I am sure people judged, but whatevs.

I guess what i am saying is, it is okay to leave the house with a screaming baby. Just put on your "I don't give an F what you think glasses." Well, that and don't go to like a quiet movie.

[biogirl21]

You're doing fine, don't worry about other people! I honestly hardly ever left my house during ML. I just felt better staying inside- of course, it didn't help that it was -87billion degrees outside. Trying to take care of the dogs, get him in his car seat, get him to stop crying, get myself ready to leave and gathering all the crap I needed was overwhelming. I chose to mainly leave the house when MH was home to help me.

I've found that things feel a lot better now that I'm back at work. I love being a mom and love James to pieces, but being able to be away and have some time to myself, even if it's at work, makes me feel so much better. Probably also because he's getting older and feels more "sturdy", I don't fear leaving the house as much. It does get better!

[traveljunkie13]

DD was my hard baby and I can't remember when it got easier but I remember one day I just had a meltdown because I hadn't left the house in forever and I felt so trapped. A friend of mine convinced me to just bite the bullet and go for it. I packed the bag the diaper bag, took a shower, and laid out clothes the night before so I was ready to go and after breakfast we just....went! I took her to the zoo and yes she screamed a good portion but it gave me confidence to attempt it again! It also gave me a chance to try different things with her (stroller, carrier, arms...) and I figured out what worked better than others. Each outing after that got easier and easier!

DS is my "easy" baby but the first time I left the house with both of them alone DH found me sobbing in the tub that night with the largest glass of wine possible! This parenting thing is hard!!! ::hugs::

[winemaker06]

My experience was a lot like several previous posters', I've just never seen it spelled out. I did have to 'psych myself out' to leave the house, but then every time I did, it was fine and made me feel a LOT better. So I made a point to leave the house every day even if the baby was fussy and we just did a quick errand. It did wonders for my mental health.

That said, not knowing if you will go back to work- I returned to work late last week and am still getting used to the daycare routine, etc. but being at work has felt 'normal' and I think is a good step toward a new normal for us.

[water*drop]

Everybody else probably isn't doing it. At least, I wasn't. DD was so high needs compared to most of the other babies I saw at the time. At first I thought it was me (like I just had a low tolerance for crying or something), but then I started going to a breastfeeding support group and realized that my child was the only one who was consistently incapable of going an hour without throwing a huge fit. Every. Single. Time. After a couple of weeks of this, it suddenly hit me that she really was just a high needs baby.

As a result, we rarely left the house for anything more than a walk outside. It's totally okay to take a screaming infant to Target or whatever, but I'm an introvert and had zero desire to deal with her screaming in public because there were times that the screaming would last for hours no matter what I did. I had anxiety about taking her out looooong after this stage ended, but the important part is that it eventually DID end, and I take her all over the place now.

[dukesilver]

@starry, thank you so much for posting all of that. V is almost 4.5 months and she is still super fussy. DH and I definitely do not feel like we have our shit together with regard to having a child at all. We keep wondering what we are doing wrong. Reading your post made me feel so much better.

OP, big hugs, I don't have any answers for you, but I can relate.

[AlpineSlide]

at 5 months it is a little easier I can (sometimes) read ds's cues better and adapt accordingly. sleep still sucks though. hang in there! i gain a little bit of confidence each day. and a quote from a book that I just read helps: "the only way through it is through."

[water*drop]

Apr 29, 2014 20:46:05 GMT -5 @lauralynne said:

Relavent article: m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4756681

I love this article so much. I remember breaking down sobbing one day because I was scared my friends wouldn't like my baby because she cried all the time. Irrational, I know, but hormones and sleep deprivation and a colicky baby do not lead to rational thoughts.

[scsarah]

I find myself wondering this constantly. We have good days and bad days, and somehow muddle through.

I've found that I need to shower and leave the house at least once a day to feel somewhat normal. Shower I do while DH is home, or do a quick hose off once DS is sleeping, with the video monitor in sight. Leaving the house is harder - sometimes it's just walking the dog in the afternoon once DH gets home, but just something to get out and not stare at the same few walls in the apartment.

Are there things like that for you - stuff you could do each day to help?

I am looking forward to going back to work. I know it will be a whole new set of challenges, but I just recently realized how much I miss talking about random stuff with co-workers. I also think that (for me), so much of my sense of self is tied in with my career. Not having that right now is very tough for me.

[Deleted]

It is SO early. It does get better, promise. It got better around 3 months for me. But I had a pretty terrible recovery with my first too, so that was part of it.

[Brie]

I just want to give you a big hug.

I struggled with PPD so my story is a little different. The first 3 weeks of his life were awful for me. I cried more than he did because I was absolutely sure I'd ruined my life forever. I fantasized about taking him to the fire station around the corner and leaving him there. It was terrible. Luckily, thanks to MMM and C's pedi, I realized I had PPD and started Zoloft at that point. And things really started turning around for me then.

I think, and this is going to sound awful, that I had a big turning point around 2 months, when I actually fell in love with my son. Before that it was survival mode, and I was all "we're so in love!" but I was kind of faking it because I thought that was what I was supposed to feel. Eventually the feelings and the overwhelming mama love fell into place.

I will recommend getting OUT, alone. C was EBFed while I was on mat leave, so my H would get home from work and I'd literally pop the baby off my boob, hand him off, and go to the gym for a class by myself. It worked wonders for my sanity to realize that hey, my life isn't over, and I can still do things I've always enjoyed. Plus, the bonus benefit was that caring for C solo regularly gave my H a lot of confidence. Don't ever feel guilty about taking time for yourself--you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your baby.

As far as timeline, the first 3 months were the worst for me. It gets better. C is 19 months now and since about 11 months (coincidentally, when he started STTN), I've felt pretty great about my life. Newborns are really thankless--they poop and scream and chew on your boobs and don't even act like they know who you are. I repeat, IT GETS BETTER. They learn to smile and giggle and play and talk and suddenly they become these adorable, funny little humans. It's awesome.

[catsarecute]

We tried to go grocery shopping and it was a nightmare. I think the store was too cold for her. We've only gone out with her to doctor appointments but I'm dying to leave the house with her to run quick errands. I've left the house a couple times but always feel like I need to rush back home to nurse her.
My biggest issue right now is just going stir crazy being inside and doing the same routine all day every day!

[xokell2]

My first son was easy peesy. He'd sit in his bucket or a high chair and we could take him anywhere. My second is the complete opposite and at 18 months is still a bear to take anywhere. I think it totally depends on the kids temperament/personality.

[Marmee]

Depends on the baby. I'm a parenting veteran & DD4 was horrible until very recently...she's 13mo. She's very temperamental & goes from zero to pissed in about 2 seconds. Having a baby like that is incredibly hard, this is my 2nd out of 4 like that.

[anaps28]

My baby sucked big time for the first 6 months. I was bitter actually about my newborn experience. I spent my maternity leave with the ergo strapped to me or pushing my stroller around the neighborhood trying to either get him to stop crying or get him to sleep. Everyone used to say "oh it will get better!" Eventually it did. Hang in there!

[Birdie]

Apr 29, 2014 20:29:24 GMT -5 @starry said:

I felt this way for a long time, like 6 months at least. Like where the fuck did I go wrong that I can't handle this and everyone else can. I realized it was a combination of a few things:

1) my baby was truly miserable and difficult compared to most of those of my peers
2) I am not motivated to go out in public with an unhappy baby
3) people present the best parts of themselves in social media / IRL generally - most people who are struggling are not talking about it (except here, lol), which makes it seem isolating

Anyway. Not sure if your baby is colicky. If so that wore off for me around 3 months, but then she became a terrible sleeper until six months (when she became simply a poor sleeper). At that point I had moments of feeling like a "person with a kid" vs all consuming motherhood with some other crap (work, marriage) on the side.

I would say 12 months old and weaning was a huge turning point for me. I went on a trip with my husband alone and just got back to being me.

ETA: sorry to be clear. Months 0-3 - hot mess; months 4-6 - mess; months 7-12 erratic but ok; months 12+ generally "normal"

It took me almost all of my ML to realize starry's #3. I had a really hard time for awhile not understanding why my baby seemed to be so much harder than everyone else's. Turns out he's not, people just don't talk about the hard stuff.

[Birdie]

And I'm still chicken to take DS out. We stayed in most of my ML because it was cold and rainy and I didn't have the confidence to take DS somewhere by myself.

[spanikopita]

Apr 29, 2014 20:28:52 GMT -5 @this said:

I 1000% relate to everything you're feeling. Things started turning around for us at 14 weeks when she started daycare and life was good again at 5 months (but sleep wasn't good until a few months later).

Hang in there!

What she said.

Improved at 4 months, was pleasant at 5 months.

HANG IN!

[meij]

I am on mobile, so I don't know how old your baby is, but sounds like really new.

Newborns suck. Everyone else seemed to have a sleepy easy going baby they could stroll the aisles of Target with. Nope. I actually felt cheated with DS. He cried and screamed from weeks 2-6. I used to get together weekly (at the house) with two girlfriends but when DS was three weeks old I backed out and still haven't rejoined. I knew no one else wanted to listen to my screaming baby and I felt like they were thinking "Thank God MY babies weren't like that."

Actually his crying didn't stress me out as much as other peoples reactions/judging of his crying. Some dad actually gave me death glares the entire time I was in the waiting room at the ped office bc DS was screaming and his kid was sleeping. People at stores would say "sounds like someone's hungry!" Ugh. No. Shut up.

Since I have another kid, I was forced to get out more than I probably would have. Now, DS is ten weeks and truly things are 100x easier than they were even just two weeks ago. I still stress at getting out because it's such a production and takes forever, but it's getting easier.

I still feel a bit guilty because I feel like I spent most of his newborn hood wishing it would go faster, just get to six months when things get easier. Now I'm like slow down!

Hugs, it does get easier. Make yourself get out. Like most things, the more you practice and more experience you get, the easier it gets.

[niq]

If you want to get out more, a fussy baby is just an excuse to go to noisier restaurants . One set of parents in our newborn group had a kid like this and they just learned to roll with it.

V is on the easy side of things (I think?), but still both msniq felt pretty exhausted and overwhelmed a lot. Everything seems to be getting better in 2 month increments. 6 months was hard because of a sleep regression, but he was so much more of a person at that age that life was more fun than at 4m.

[havarti]

I had a relatively "easy" baby and it still took me until four months to even approach feeling normal. Once he started eating solids at six months and wasn't entirely dependent on me, things really started getting g better. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. You'll get there.

[sent]

We are almost at 5 months and I still wonder the same thing. I don't understand when I read "oh so easy to take them everywhere in their carrier, they just sleep at that age." Not mine! She screams when I put her in the carrier.

Last Thursday and Friday, I was home alone with DD during the day. I made this long list of errands to get done. I decided to skip our Thursday afternoon baby group so I could get more of the errands done. Everytime she got drowsy, I put her to sleep in her infant carrier so I wouldn't have to fight her when we set out on errands.

Then I proceeded to relax at home and not actually go anywhere. It feels like such an exhausting production everytime I go out with her that just thinking about it was making me tired. So I said meh to the list of errands. There's food at home, the bills are paid, everything else could wait.

[changedname]

I go out everywhere with DD and have done since the beginning. However, she is super fussy. I just power through the stares,the comments from old ladies about how she must be hungry or that my baby is a "feisty one". I have to get out of the house. Dh, on the other hand, gets so embarrassed and panics if she cries, which she does all the time.

A few weeks ago, I went to a baby shower and a friend brought her baby who is 2 days older than DD. Dh brought DD in to show her to friends for 2 mins then left with her. Even those 2 mins caused me anxiety in case she "let me down" when i was trying to show her off. Meanwhile the other baby spent 3 hours sleeping at the shower. So unfair.

I have found that things have got better since we found a paci that works, having her mouth plugged up makes me relax because I know she can't scream.

Hang in there!

[changedname]

Oh and every time someone say " isn't the newborn stage great, they just sleep!" fuck off!

[sent]

Apr 30, 2014 0:02:03 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Here's something sort of ironic, though: if you saw me post or on FB or even out and about, I would have totally looked like the mom who magically had it all together from the moment I gave birth. I took Lu out every day for walks and story time, we took her to restaurants, had date night and even took her to Hawaii at a couple months old. What you wouldn't be able to tell is that I was unable to eat or sleep because I was so anxious all the time. So, just because you see people who "seem" to have it all figured out, you're not seeing the whole story.

There is a baby on my FB feed born the same day as DD.  She was laying on a beach in Hawaii at 8 weeks old.  I was like HOW???  At 8 weeks, we were under strict orders to not go anywhere due to flu season + nasty winter + preemie baby + BFing misadventures.  Going to an airport?  We couldn't even go to Dunkin Donuts!

[redpenmama]

My DD was ver fussy too, and she never slept. The combination of an unhappy baby and very tired mom meant we were in survival smoke and didn't do much. Everyone told me to wait until the magical 3-month mark, and I found that things did get easier, even with a tough baby. DS is way easier, but I noticed a shift with him too at 3 months. That's not to say everything becomes easy (we still have bad days), but I found them both to be easier to please/more willing to try/do things at 3 months and beyond. Hang in there!

[jena]

Everyone told me having a newborn was hard. So when it was really freaking hard, I just accepted it. Dd1 is... high strung. She screamed and freaked out at every sudden or loud noise including sirens that are going down the street when you're inside, vacuum cleaner, sneezes, nose blowing, coughs, toilet flushes, beep on the microwave. Those made her freak out until about 18mo, some of them longer. She had colic. She screamed from 4-9 everyday.

The good news is that bit by bit it does get better. And not all babies are like that (my other two weren't! Or not to that extreme) so some people really do have it easier even though they are not essentially doing anything "better" or more right than you are.

Also, when I see a new mom struggling in public, I feel nothing but sympathy. We all had to learn sometime what worked for us and your baby crying doesn't really even register compared to the screening fit my 4yo is capable of. Heck, your newborn cries are tiny and cute to outsiders, so really don't worry about it.