MIL vent and wwsnd

[mrslefty]

So as you all know my MIL is a pain in the ass. She's mean,  spiteful, a little crazy,  a lot drunk.
H already told her she will need to stay in a hotel which she of course had to yell about. And call her whole family to complain about how mean we are which then included family calling H to tell him we should let her stay with us (except for one aunt who gets it and is supportive). He told his mom that wasn't okay and a sure way to get herself uninvited for  awhile.  H is super panicked about her being here and coming to our house all day every day.   I have suggested giving her a job like grocery shopping and meal planning while she is here or asking his one supportive aunt to come with her so she isn't alone. Aunt has said "love you but I am not coming at the same time as her, no thanks." And h doesn't think giving her a job to do will keep her busy enough. He wants to tell her she can only come every other day and has to find something to do the other days. I think that will make things even worse than her being at my house all day because she is alone and can't entertain herself (which is not my god damn problem) and she will sit in her hotel room getting more and more mad and take it out on us the next day (then it becomes my problem). He is also worried about that so he won't actually tell her to come every other day.
The other issue is H is sure she can't be at the house at the same time as my family because he thinks she will be a bitch and cause problems.  She has already told my mom and grandma they will have to wait in line to hold her grandchild because when she is here its her time (since they live here). My mom has said they won't come when she is here to give her space and to keep me from going crazy but idgaf if she thinks it's her time, I want my family there. They might be the one thing that keeps me from going crazy!
My other thought is to ask her to give us like...three days at home before she comes but again, she will spend that time getting more and more jealous and take it out on us.

Uhg can I just say she can come when the baby is...18? I'm not sure if I am more frustrated by H turning down any idea I have or knowing that she will be a pita no matter what. 


Any ideas would be appreciated.  Also if you made it this far you deserve a drink or a gold star. 

[pugz]

Postpone her visit, seriously

[7costanza]

May 2, 2014 18:10:13 GMT -5 pugz said:

Postpone her visit, seriously

Agree. And I would limit it to like one night (in the hotel, not your house.) she sounds awful, I'm sorry.

[mrslefty]

I think making her wait a week...or 18 years...is our best option and I thought H was opposed to it but apparently one of his high school friends told him if MIL was the friends mom he would postpone her visit for a few weeks. So I guess he's considering it.

[alias]

Every other day is awkward. But, I'd tell her to wait b/c you need time to adjust and settle in. Those first few days/weeks are rough!

When she dies come, have your family over as much as you want and/or plan reasons to get you out if the house so you don't go totally crazy.

[mrslefty]

May 2, 2014 19:04:37 GMT -5 alias said:

Every other day is awkward. But, I'd tell her to wait b/c you need time to adjust and settle in. Those first few days/weeks are rough!

When she dies come, have your family over as much as you want and/or plan reasons to get you out if the house so you don't go totally crazy.

Oooooo if she waits a week maybe I can leave the baby with her and H for a quick target/ get away from MIL trip. However H has already told her she will not ever watch the baby alone and she laughed. He wasn't joking. The woman lost our dog both times we let her dog sit. Both due to her drinking a bottle of wine. She's a fucking gem. 

[pugz]

We made the ILs wait a few weeks to visit til we were settled. In your situation i would push visit back 6 weeks after birth and make it short (think 3-4 day weekend). Put your husband in charge of entertaining her. He has to take off work for her visit so you arent alone with her. Hotel for sure

[dana86]

Yeah, I agree push her visit back. It's not about her it's about you guys and the baby. The only thing harder than coming home and adjusting to new baby/relaxing to heal is doing all that and having to cater and babysit a guest. Give her rules or boundaries and make sure you and your H are strongly on the same page before she comes.

[mrslefty]

The good thing is H and I are on the same page and he is really good about holding her to whatever ground rules we decide on. His rules are generally more strict than mine even because he gets so stressed when she's here. She can be really fun to hang with..it's so complicated. He already implemented a 4 day rule after her last visit so length of stay won't be up for discussion anyways.
I wish she would act like an adult so she could be around.

[jennlin]

May 2, 2014 22:29:05 GMT -5 dana86 said:

Yeah, I agree push her visit back. It's not about her it's about you guys and the baby. The only thing harder than coming home and adjusting to new baby/relaxing to heal is doing all that and having to cater and babysit a guest. Give her rules or boundaries and make sure you and your H are strongly on the same page before she comes.

This, but especially the bolded.

I think 2 weeks is an appropriate pushed out time.

[toratoratori]

I think there can also be an ultimatum. If at any point her behavior starts to stress you out, she will be asked to leave. Period. Then it's on her to make sure she's not being a crazypants.

[mrslefty]

May 4, 2014 12:31:17 GMT -5 toratoratori said:

I think there can also be an ultimatum. If at any point her behavior starts to stress you out, she will be asked to leave. Period. Then it's on her to make sure she's not being a crazypants.

Oh yes. B already said he will send her ass back to CO if she is mean. Or  when she is mean.

After I showed him that all the responses here said to postpone her visit and his BFF said postpone it he has agreed that is probably the best. He only gets two weeks off so we are aiming for the middle of his second week off. I don't want to spend any  of his vacation time on her coming out later because we have several trips for  weddings  planned already. 

[shevacc]

I'm late to the party but I agree about postponing her visit. I didn't want any overlapping company and both families live out of town. My mom came without my dad for the first 2 weeks, then my BFF came for a week, then ILs came for about a week, then everyone came at once when G was 2 months old for the baptism.

While my ILs were here, I was SUPER sick (102+ fever and felt like death). MIL was "helping" by holding G while I slept until I realized that she wouldn't actually bring me my baby when G got hungry. MIL just kept trying to hold and rock her. I was sooooo pissed that I couldn't nap after that since I couldn't trust her to watch G even for a few hours if she wouldn't bring her to me to nurse. My ILs aren't even that bad, but I was so thankful they weren't there earlier.

The first 2 weeks you REALLY just need to sleep as often as possible, eat, and take care of baby. Any help should help make sure you're fed, do a load of laundry for you, wash the dishes. And ONLY hold the baby if you want a quick break to shower, use the bathroom, or want to eat two-handed. Then give the baby back the instant you return. Based on what you posted, I can't see your MIL following those rules AT ALL.

[mrslefty]

Well B called her today to talk to see when she was thinking she was coming and she said she wanted to give us a week before she came and that she was talking to B's dad about coming at the same time (they're divorced but "friendly") so they could go sightseeing and not bother us all day. Then she said "I want to make it clear that I deserve time with my grandchild while I am there."

She was off to such a wonderful start for once...

[alias]

May 6, 2014 20:22:07 GMT -5 mrslefty said:

Well B called her today to talk to see when she was thinking she was coming and she said she wanted to give us a week before she came and that she was talking to B's dad about coming at the same time (they're divorced but "friendly") so they could go sightseeing and not bother us all day. Then she said "I want to make it clear that I deserve time with my grandchild while I am there."

She was off to such a wonderful start for once...

Sounds promising!

[toratoratori]

May 6, 2014 20:22:07 GMT -5 mrslefty said:

Well B called her today to talk to see when she was thinking she was coming and she said she wanted to give us a week before she came and that she was talking to B's dad about coming at the same time (they're divorced but "friendly") so they could go sightseeing and not bother us all day. Then she said "I want to make it clear that I deserve time with my grandchild while I am there."

She was off to such a wonderful start for once...

Oh, lawd.

How did your husband respond?

[mrslefty]

May 7, 2014 12:48:08 GMT -5 toratoratori said:

May 6, 2014 20:22:07 GMT -5 mrslefty said:

Well B called her today to talk to see when she was thinking she was coming and she said she wanted to give us a week before she came and that she was talking to B's dad about coming at the same time (they're divorced but "friendly") so they could go sightseeing and not bother us all day. Then she said "I want to make it clear that I deserve time with my grandchild while I am there."

She was off to such a wonderful start for once...

Oh, lawd.

How did your husband respond?

He said she gets whatever time with our child is convenient for us/baby and she didn't argue. Now she is probably going to go cry to her family and it's a red flag that she is going to act like she is entitled when she gets here. But for once she didn't argue. It's the small things...