::kicks dirt:: sister issues

[Deleted]

I have an older sister. She's 26 months older than me. I say this to accentuate the fact that no one in my family has ever had fertility problems. In fact my mother gave birth to number 4 one week before her 41st birthday, even though she had been on birth control.

My sister got KU the first month of trying....both times. She is due in September with #2 and her kids will be 22 months apart. Yes she waited exactly until #1's birthday to TTC #2 and it worked. Gag.

We had a weird relationship for a long time but got a lot closer when we were both planning our weddings. My wedding was 23 months after hers (again I did the weird math because we've had very similar lives up until now). We used to do a group email with my mother nearly every day. Then when she had #1 she sent out pictures every month. Suddenly #1 turns one years old, sister gets pregnant and I get no more pictures, emails or calls.

In February, she called me to tell me about #2 (two weeks after the whole family knew apparently) and I acted totally excited and thrilled. Since then she has never voluntarily called me except for the time I had my failed IUI #1. I've reached out via text or email a number of times saying "call me when you get a chance" and she will but she never initiates. I miss seeing pictures of my niece. I also can't imagine being pregnant myself and not talking to my sister about it. It sucks we have this huge gap between us now but I don't know what to do. I texted her tonight to say hi and she never wrote back.

I get it. She's busy. She's pregnant and has a toddler. Meanwhile I'm home alone and infertile. I just wish it hadn't worked out this way. I'm the only person in my immediate family who doesn't live in my hometown and sometimes it really sucks.

So anyway how would you react to this? I want to celebrate my new niece/nephew but it's hard to do when I know literally nothing about her pregnancy. I send some big sister books the minute I found out about it but since then I've just felt disconected from my sister, niece and the new baby.

And as an aside, if you are pregnant, don't avoid your infertile friends/family members. It really friggen hurts.

[drloretta]

Have you flat out asked her what's up?

So many things could be going on. She could be having a less than ideal pregnancy with a toddler added to the mix, so doing her old communication routine just isn't happening. She could be trying not to talk about things too much because she's worried it will upset you. As a fellow IFer I know avoidance is not the best plan, but people really don't know what to do in that situation. So they feel saying nothing is the best course.

Is she also e-mailing/talking to your mom less? If so, then try not to take it personally, and just see it as her life changing and being somewhat challenging right now. If not, then again I'd ask her about it.

And it just may be what it is. My brother and SIL have 3 kids. The first was the first granchild on both sides, so we heard about everything under the sun from conception to years after the birth. The second was born 2 years later and we were all pretty much in on that one. Yet for some reason, when she got pg again 5 years later, SIL chose not to tell anyone (including her mom who works for her) until she had her big u/s. So the whole family "missed out" on fully half of her pregnancy, and I feel completely disconnected from this child. Despite the fact that she's only a year older than DD. I still think she handled it poorly, but the rest of the family thinks I'm weird for feeling that way, so I just let it go.

[nonsenseabound]

I'm guessing she might be unsure how to proceed to talk about it when she knows about your own infertility issues. my best friend had lots of problems conceiving and it was a fine line to walk when I wanted to hare pg news but not hurt her.

[Deleted]

I guess I would like to avoid a big heart to heart if possible. I just would like to resume the niece pictures and some chatty emails a few times a week about the baby kicking or doctor's appointments, etc. My mom has told me that my sister hasn't shared that much with her either so I guess it's not just me.

I guess this is flameworthy but I'm mad I don't get to show just how okay I am about this pregnancy. Why can't I show off how well adjusted I am?!

[Ashley&Scott]

That totally sucks. If you want to avoid a big heart to heart maybe you could keep it light. Something like:

Hey sis, we just got back from a trip. I thought you might like to see a few pics. How are you/niece/baby? I miss seeing pics of niece, could you send me some when you get a chance

[Deleted]

Update: she wrote back. We have a phone date for tomorrow. I won't cry. Oh man my hormones are crazy today.

[hannamarin]

I talk to my sister less since the birth of the baby. First, I am busy. So is she. But I also have zero going on in my life besides the baby. I feel guilty going on about the baby when I know my sister is thinking/trying.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2012 20:12:17 GMT -5 @hannamarin said:

I talk to my sister less since the birth of the baby. First, I am busy. So is she. But I also have zero going on in my life besides the baby. I feel guilty going on about the baby when I know my sister is thinking/trying.

Don't feel guilty. I seriously love my niece and it really bummed me out when the monthly pictures stopped coming. I'm not saying you're not busy. I'm sure you are. But please try to keep your loved ones in the loop. I seriously cried when I heard my niece said my little sister's name for the first time and I wasn't there.

[bunch]

Tell her how you really feel. I have friends dealing with if and I never know how much to share. I would like to know if I was being obvious and rude with my withholding. I would assumed that it was well intentioned , but I don't know your sis.

[Deleted]

Not knowing anything about your sister, it could just be finding time to take/upload pictures. It gets so much harder to find time when your baby starts moving.

[hannamarin]

Oh, I still send pics. Everyone loves pics.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2012 20:30:30 GMT -5 BirdGirl said:

Not knowing anything about your sister, it could just be finding time to take/upload pictures. It gets so much harder to find time when your baby starts moving.

She hasn't sent any pictures in 8 months.

[Brie]

I'm kind of on the other side of this--my sister is 6 years older than me, single, no kids. The first time I told her I was pregnant, she started sobbing and hung up on me. It was awful.

So...this time around I've been really tight-lipped with her. I know she's hurting because it's not her turn, and I don't want to do anything to make that any worse. We don't talk as much as we used to, because my life is pretty baby-centric right now, and I don't really know what will set her off.

I think a direct approach is best. I wish my sister would tell me what she wants from me. Until then, I'm just kind of awkwardly tiptoeing around it.

[GailGoldie]

i'm glad you are gonna talk tomorrow. I would let her know you miss the pics and updates on your niece.

It could be that she doesn't want to make you feel bad... or it could just be that she's exhausted and feeling like shit, etc. I lost my mind when i was pg and had a toddler to care for- i forget things all the time now... so that could be her issue and have nothing to do with you--- but let her know that you were worried that she was avoiding you- trying to be "nice" b/c of IF- but that it doesn't help you at all and makes it worse, etc..

People have a hard time with IF... I was lucky that so many of my friends went through it, too, that when it was my turn, they all knew the right things to do/say.

I found out I was pg with the twins a week after my friend's twins passed after 4 days (born at 23w). THAT was hard - i wasn't sure what was right- but didn't ever want her to feel like I was avoiding her- so she was one of the first people I told- via email (so she could scream or cry if she needed to)... and let her know that I didn't want her to find out from anyone else... and that I would understand if she didn't want to see me much, etc - and however she wanted to go foward with our friendship I would never hold it against her.... turned out she was wonderful with my pregnancy and my twins being born... our older sons are good friends- so i'm really glad it didn't push us apart.... sorry -this got long/rambling.....

anyway - i hope things work out with your talk tomorrow. Keep us posted!

[vanillacourage]

I sent out a ton more pictures and updates of DS1 because it was such a novelty. I love DS2 to pieces, but just don't have the time to get on the computer and do it. Also, now that more of my friends & family have had kids I realize that not everyone cares about their 4m checkup stats.

OP, does your sister have a smartphone? If so I'd drop into the conversation that you'd love to get more pics of your neice/nephew, even if they're just texts. I tend to send pics of DS to close family/friends by text because it's so easy to take it & just hit send.

ETA - my point is that the lack of pics & emails could have 0% to do with your infertility - if that is what you were saying.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2012 20:38:30 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I sent out a ton more pictures and updates of DS1 because it was such a novelty. I love DS2 to pieces, but just don't have the time to get on the computer and do it. Also, now that more of my friends & family have had kids I realize that not everyone cares about their 4m checkup stats.

OP, does your sister have a smartphone? If so I'd drop into the conversation that you'd love to get more pics of your neice/nephew, even if they're just texts. I tend to send pics of DS to close family/friends by text because it's so easy to take it & just hit send.

ETA - my point is that the lack of pics & emails could have 0% to do with your infertility - if that is what you were saying.

She does have a smart phone. I used to get niece pictures but I haven't had any in a while. I really wish she would send more. My niece is so awesome and every time I'm around her they give her to me for the whole time I'm around.

But, as a second child myself, I'm sort of pissed about the less pictures of the second born thing. My sister already joked that she won't be able to take the month by month pictures of #2 since #1 will be around. I know I'm not a mom but that seemed pretty lame to me. I have a soft spot for middle kids.

[vanillacourage]

Jul 16, 2012 20:43:26 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

But, as a second child myself, I'm sort of pissed about the less pictures of the second born thing. My sister already joked that she won't be able to take the month by month pictures of #2 since #1 will be around. I know I'm not a mom but that seemed pretty lame to me. I have a soft spot for middle kids.

I mean this in the best possible way - I hope you will get to see what it's like to juggle two or more. A nice spin on "just you wait....!"

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2012 20:48:30 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Jul 16, 2012 20:43:26 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

But, as a second child myself, I'm sort of pissed about the less pictures of the second born thing. My sister already joked that she won't be able to take the month by month pictures of #2 since #1 will be around. I know I'm not a mom but that seemed pretty lame to me. I have a soft spot for middle kids.

I mean this in the best possible way - I hope you will get to see what it's like to juggle two or more. A nice spin on "just you wait....!"

Thank you and I'm sure you mean this in the best possible way but if I'm ever blessed to have more than one child I will absolutely document that second child just as much as the first. I feel really strongly about that and frankly having two right now would pretty much be a miracle.

[livinitup]

When I was PG, I signed-up for emails from BabyCenter.com that charted the development of the baby (vVarious fruit sizes and facts). A grandma-friend of mine did the same for her daughter's pregnancy- which was really cool ( not weird). So you can do something like that and share some mild and cute markers about the baby growing via email.

But I will point out that not every PG lady likes to gush about her pregnancy. You're seeing this from your eyes. The lack of communication could have nothing to do with your feelings. And it's not your sister's J.O.B. to make you feel warm and fuzzy about her pregnancy if she isn't. Or explain it.

[vanillacourage]

When did I say I don't "document" my second baby to the extent of my first? There are just as many pictures and video of DS2, probably more in fact since now I always have my phone nearby. I just don't have time to push it out to everyone else, and frankly don't want to as much as I did with DS1 because now I realize I probably over-did it anyway. If your sister is picking up this air of judginess about how often and what she shares then maybe that's why she's pulled back a bit. Sorry you're having issues and I hope things get better.

[hannamarin]

I barely document my first. Millions of pics, but I always forget to write down her stats, and no footprints, etc.