ASD and clothing preferences?

[carrieq]

DS is 4 and received an ASD diagnosis in August 2013. He has always preferred to wear very flat shoes. No big deal, he usually wears pumas or the like. He doesn't like to wear jeans and this preference seems to have increased over the last year. Usually I would tell him if he wore jeans that day he could wear sweatpants the next day. Now that it is warmer, he only wants to wear athletic shorts, whether it be mesh material, sweatshirt material, or soccer shorts. I tell myself that the more I can convince him to wear the clothes he doesn't like the more he will get used to it and lose that strong preference. On the other hand, is this really the hill I want to die on? Is it such a big deal to let him wear what he wants even if it's not what I want? At the same time, there are instances where I just don't think his clothing choices are appropriate such as church but I hate the fight that comes with getting him dressed every day. Any insight or tips? Our mornings are horrible right now!

[hopecounts]

DD's ABA would want to address it from a rigidity stand point. The fact that he only wants to wear athletic shorts is an issue because he is being so set on one thing.
Is it a big deal in itself no and it's an issue NT kids can have too but for our kids we have to work at it to prevent it from becoming even more of an issue.

[auntie]

It's hard to say whether this is a hill to die on for your son.

DS has Aspergers, so preparing him to take a place in the mainstream of society was critical for us. We actually started to deal with it even before we had a dx. DS always preferred soft cotton Hannas 100% cotton sweaties; synthetics were always on his no fly list.

Pre-dx, we enrolled him in a private day school that had a dress code of khakis and collared shirts. It was a rule, we insisted he follow but we started with really soft Hanna half elastic khakis and polos bridging out to denim and woven shirts over time. I know families who bought used clothes when bridging since they were soften and broken in.

Once we got a dx, we were more aggressive around this. Clothing preferences can limit access to activities. They can also be stigmatizing in a way that can isolate him from peers or cause adults to have lower expectations of him. This is a huge deal for bright kids on spectrum who will be in a mainstream classroom and employed at some time. This becomes more of an issue with an older kid. Nobody is going to judge him or you for shiny basketball shorts at church when he's four, but by 6 some will be and by 8 others will assume he's either special or disrespectful. In school nothing says different like sweatpants and Velcro shoes in 4th grade. YMMV.

I always dressed my son pretty well. I watched trends and bought the accepted brands. It's not that I am a snob, per se, but it sends a very powerful message to teachers and others that DS is a highly valued individual in his family and that we will hold their feet to the fire as necessary. Basically, we did a form of "food chaining" where we slowly added new textures and materials to the lists of things DS could and would wear.

DH didn't always buy in to my plan to wean DS off his comfy pants or make him learn to tie his shoes. He finally got it in 9th grade. I fought the battle of khakis and jeans. I did battle over 50/50 blended shirts, wicking gear and those silky athletic pants. And I spent way too much time making him learn to tie his shoes. The shirts meant DS could join scouts where he made friends who looked out for him in school, traveled to Jambo and the Bahamas and earned the rank of Eagle. He bitched to me about how hot and uncomfortable he was from the BSA Class A after the Memorial Day Parade in 8th grade. I promised him he never had to march in this Class A ever again because the next year he'd be marching the five miles in a black wool suit while playing his trombone with the marching band. And he did. And he had a blast. He made friends, he traveled to Argentina and local competitions. They eventually go wicking polos and a 65% polo khakis and he was OK with that. If he couldn't get to the point where he was OK with various kinds of clothes he would have missed out.

LOL, he starts his first job Saturday and will be wearing black khakis, a white shirt and tie- if he was still wearing his sweaties this wouldn't be an option for him.

[KB]

May 21, 2014 6:51:57 GMT -5 auntie said:

It's hard to say whether this is a hill to die on for your son.

DS has Aspergers, so preparing him to take a place in the mainstream of society was critical for us. We actually started to deal with it even before we had a dx. DS always preferred soft cotton Hannas 100% cotton sweaties; synthetics were always on his no fly list.

Pre-dx, we enrolled him in a private day school that had a dress code of khakis and collared shirts. It was a rule, we insisted he follow but we started with really soft Hanna half elastic khakis and polos bridging out to denim and woven shirts over time. I know families who bought used clothes when bridging since they were soften and broken in.

Once we got a dx, we were more aggressive around this. Clothing preferences can limit access to activities. They can also be stigmatizing in a way that can isolate him from peers or cause adults to have lower expectations of him. This is a huge deal for bright kids on spectrum who will be in a mainstream classroom and employed at some time. This becomes more of an issue with an older kid. Nobody is going to judge him or you for shiny basketball shorts at church when he's four, but by 6 some will be and by 8 others will assume he's either special or disrespectful. In school nothing says different like sweatpants and Velcro shoes in 4th grade. YMMV.

I always dressed my son pretty well. I watched trends and bought the accepted brands. It's not that I am a snob, per se, but it sends a very powerful message to teachers and others that DS is a highly valued individual in his family and that we will hold their feet to the fire as necessary. Basically, we did a form of "food chaining" where we slowly added new textures and materials to the lists of things DS could and would wear.

DH didn't always buy in to my plan to wean DS off his comfy pants or make him learn to tie his shoes. He finally got it in 9th grade. I fought the battle of khakis and jeans. I did battle over 50/50 blended shirts, wicking gear and those silky athletic pants. And I spent way too much time making him learn to tie his shoes. The shirts meant DS could join scouts where he made friends who looked out for him in school, traveled to Jambo and the Bahamas and earned the rank of Eagle. He bitched to me about how hot and uncomfortable he was from the BSA Class A after the Memorial Day Parade in 8th grade. I promised him he never had to march in this Class A ever again because the next year he'd be marching the five miles in a black wool suit while playing his trombone with the marching band. And he did. And he had a blast. He made friends, he traveled to Argentina and local competitions. They eventually go wicking polos and a 65% polo khakis and he was OK with that. If he couldn't get to the point where he was OK with various kinds of clothes he would have missed out.

LOL, he starts his first job Saturday and will be wearing black khakis, a white shirt and tie- if he was still wearing his sweaties this wouldn't be an option for him.

I feel the same way and do this as well. His teachers have made comments about his shoes and clothes (so cute!). I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one.

[KB]

May 21, 2014 6:51:57 GMT -5 auntie said:

It's hard to say whether this is a hill to die on for your son.

DS has Aspergers, so preparing him to take a place in the mainstream of society was critical for us. We actually started to deal with it even before we had a dx. DS always preferred soft cotton Hannas 100% cotton sweaties; synthetics were always on his no fly list.

Pre-dx, we enrolled him in a private day school that had a dress code of khakis and collared shirts. It was a rule, we insisted he follow but we started with really soft Hanna half elastic khakis and polos bridging out to denim and woven shirts over time. I know families who bought used clothes when bridging since they were soften and broken in.

Once we got a dx, we were more aggressive around this. Clothing preferences can limit access to activities. They can also be stigmatizing in a way that can isolate him from peers or cause adults to have lower expectations of him. This is a huge deal for bright kids on spectrum who will be in a mainstream classroom and employed at some time. This becomes more of an issue with an older kid. Nobody is going to judge him or you for shiny basketball shorts at church when he's four, but by 6 some will be and by 8 others will assume he's either special or disrespectful. In school nothing says different like sweatpants and Velcro shoes in 4th grade. YMMV.

I always dressed my son pretty well. I watched trends and bought the accepted brands. It's not that I am a snob, per se, but it sends a very powerful message to teachers and others that DS is a highly valued individual in his family and that we will hold their feet to the fire as necessary. Basically, we did a form of "food chaining" where we slowly added new textures and materials to the lists of things DS could and would wear.

DH didn't always buy in to my plan to wean DS off his comfy pants or make him learn to tie his shoes. He finally got it in 9th grade. I fought the battle of khakis and jeans. I did battle over 50/50 blended shirts, wicking gear and those silky athletic pants. And I spent way too much time making him learn to tie his shoes. The shirts meant DS could join scouts where he made friends who looked out for him in school, traveled to Jambo and the Bahamas and earned the rank of Eagle. He bitched to me about how hot and uncomfortable he was from the BSA Class A after the Memorial Day Parade in 8th grade. I promised him he never had to march in this Class A ever again because the next year he'd be marching the five miles in a black wool suit while playing his trombone with the marching band. And he did. And he had a blast. He made friends, he traveled to Argentina and local competitions. They eventually go wicking polos and a 65% polo khakis and he was OK with that. If he couldn't get to the point where he was OK with various kinds of clothes he would have missed out.

LOL, he starts his first job Saturday and will be wearing black khakis, a white shirt and tie- if he was still wearing his sweaties this wouldn't be an option for him.

This is so fantastic!! Congrats!

[KB]

I'm lucky that DS will wear anything but he hates tags. I have a hard time even getting him to try something on if it still has the tags on it. I've been cutting the tags out of pjs lately and I can only buy underwear that is tagless.

Is your son in ABA? This is something they can work on with him.

[marissa]

I don't fight it. I have one who prefers jeans in winter and silky shorts in summer. He freaks when we go from long shirts to short sleeved shirts, etc. The other boy likes the skater look. The third wants only elastic waist pants. He has outgrown jeans with comfy waists. That will be a problem.

[litebright]

May 21, 2014 10:37:20 GMT -5 KB said:

May 21, 2014 6:51:57 GMT -5 auntie said:

I always dressed my son pretty well. I watched trends and bought the accepted brands. It's not that I am a snob, per se, but it sends a very powerful message to teachers and others that DS is a highly valued individual in his family and that we will hold their feet to the fire as necessary. Basically, we did a form of "food chaining" where we slowly added new textures and materials to the lists of things DS could and would wear.

I feel the same way and do this as well. His teachers have made comments about his shoes and clothes (so cute!). I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one.

I do this, too. DD1 is dressed well, and I occasionally take note of what the other girls in her class are wearing to check my compass. I let her make her own choices (for the most part) from within what I buy, but I figure, my kid is already dealing with enough internal differences from others. I want to minimize the external ones and kind of keep her in the middle of the pack, fashion-wise -- not overdressed/fussy, age-appropriate, definitely not sloppy, etc.  

[carrieq]

I am of the mindset that 'athletic' shorts are bot appropriate for church or school. I'd prefer that he wear jeans or khaki material pants during the cold months and khaki or plaid shorts during the warmer months. After school and on weekends at home he can wear whatever he wants. I think some of it is sensory based but I think a lot of it is him trying to have control. Sometimes we give him 2 options for shirts and 2 options for shorts so that he does have a say and he wants neither. He is not currently in ABA and I'm not sure we could afford it. Our insurance only covers 20 OT visits a year but covers 60 ST sessions. We pay anywhere from $300-$1200 a month on therapy already. I am about to start the process of applying to our state's waiver program but I have a feeling we will get denied because his autism is not severe. He has a sticker chart that he can earn stickers by using the potty and being cooperative getting ready for school and bedtime and that incentive is not enough when it comes to getting him ready. I just need someone to tell me how to work through it with him.

[hopecounts]

May 21, 2014 10:37:20 GMT -5 KB said:

May 21, 2014 6:51:57 GMT -5 auntie said:

I always dressed my son pretty well. I watched trends and bought the accepted brands. It's not that I am a snob, per se, but it sends a very powerful message to teachers and others that DS is a highly valued individual in his family and that we will hold their feet to the fire as necessary. Basically, we did a form of "food chaining" 

I feel the same way and do this as well. His teachers have made comments about his shoes and clothes (so cute!). I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one.

I do this as well. DD's teachers always comment on how cute her clothes are. My mom as a teacher recommended this as well for the same reason auntie mentioned. It just shows that the parents are involved and on top of things so BS isn't going to work very well.

So far DD hasn't had clothing issues she is pretty happy to wear whatever I pick out without any sensory or behavioral issues.  
She will request certain shirts/dresses but so far that has just been when we are around the house and she hasn't been difficult about changing if I tell her it's time to put on X so we can go wherever. 
I am making a point to intentionally have various fabrics and styles in rotation to keep her used to them just in case though.

[kirra]

Have you experimented with different brands of khakis? The "right" brands are softer, less stiff, and the seams are less irritating than jeans.

The person with ASD I'm closest with absolutely won't wear jeans. Never has, never will, but he will wear some brands/styles of khakis (even within a brand, some of the styles are cut differently than others, and he won't wear them). As an adult, khakis are acceptable in work environments where jeans aren't, so his mom finally gave in and decided to live with the khakis.

He still changes into sweats the second he comes home, though, and clothes shopping is still a nightmare.

Hugs. I hope you can find an acceptable solution.

[carrieq]

Thanks for everyone's insight. Today he wore khaki shorts and a tshirt. He basically fights getting changed in the morning no matter what so my husband does anything to get him to laugh through it including tickling and playing 'beat the clock' where they try to get him dressed as quickly as possible. It wasn't easy but he went to school in 'normal' clothing. I discussed it with DH last night and brought up some of the points that auntie made so that we're both on board. Thanks again guys!