I need an outsiders opinion.

[captainobvious]

My mother is a total hosebeast when it comes to doing things that aren't "up her alley." So I'd avoid it, but not everyone has the same type of mother.

[berbles]

May 21, 2014 11:36:33 GMT -5 psychmom said:

It's half and half WRT who visits who.

I never said I didn't want to see my family. I even told her she'd be welcome to stay with us if it were just us but our friends are there too so we have to consider that as a variable . And any time we've discussed this before its always been about having dinner it's never been discussed that she would be spending days with us

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people change my plans without discussing with me.  It's so disrespectful.  My exH used to do this ALL the time. "Oh, we're just going to stop at blah blah blah's on the way to doing what you already planned."  NO!  Do not change the schedule without discussing with me.  I'm a bit of a control freak and a planner, so this shit really bugs me.  

And then she has the nerve to get mad at YOU for not accommodating her plans?  Plans that she didn't discuss with you?  NOPE.

If she had come to you first and said, "I have vacation time and I'd like to take the day off and spend it with you," that would be an entirely different story.  I think it would be reasonable to try to figure something out.  But you told her upfront that this was a vacation with another family and she is trying to bulldoze her way in and make you change your plans to accommodate her and that's selfish and unreasonable. 

I'd put my foot down on this one.  Because if you let her get away with this she will keep pushing this boundary.  

[WOT?*]

Team you but with reservations that maybe you can talk with the other family, take a half-day to spend time with your mom and other relatives since it's your hometown. Obviously you're close enough friends that you can tell her. Or, your mom can spend the day with you doing what you initially planned with the other family, if that works better for you and the family you're vacationing with. If neither works, team you absolutely; if you're driving separate cars, spend some time with your mom on the way out of town.

But you said you split driving so it's not like she makes all the effort. Also, she seems to pull this stunt on a regular basis as a way to manipulate things her way and if you cave it will only happen again. If visiting her beyond what you've planned doesn't work for you and your friends, then I'm team "Sorry you feel that way. I love you but we already made these plans and you were aware of it. I feel like you're trying to make me feel guilty and I don't like being treated that way so please understand and please stop now. We're vacationing with friends, we've made time to see you, and that's where it stands."

[Redpoppy]

Team you. My parents do this. Now we don't tell them the full lengths of vacations near them.

This might not work forever, and it is very hard not to leak. We are taking DS to Disney after visiting them and I so want to tell him but he would totally bust me. I also have to keep social media silence.

[dexteroni]

What are you going to be doing that you don't want her around? You're going to a water park, not a swingers' club. I wouldn't mind if the people we were on vacation with had a family member around for a day. But I also wouldn't feel like I had to sit and make small talk with them. They can go through the water park, go for a hike or a swim, etc. But then we aren't the type that has to spend every minute with the people we're there with. You kind of sound like a teenager who's all "OMGGGGGG mom."

However - the "you don't love or appreciate me" message would really tick me off. That kind of pathetic manipulative emotional BS makes me lose all sympathy. But my first opinion still wins out. I don't see the big deal in letting her come hang out for the afternoon before the BBQ.

[berbles]

May 21, 2014 12:07:04 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

What are you going to be doing that you don't want her around? You're going to a water park, not a swingers' club. I wouldn't mind if the people we were on vacation with had a family member around for a day. But I also wouldn't feel like I had to sit and make small talk with them. They can go through the water park, go for a hike or a swim, etc. But then we aren't the type that has to spend every minute with the people we're there with. You kind of sound like a teenager who's all "OMGGGGGG mom."

However - the "you don't love or appreciate me" message would really tick me off. That kind of pathetic manipulative emotional BS makes me lose all sympathy. But my first opinion still wins out. I don't see the big deal in letting her come hang out for the afternoon before the BBQ.

But she said her mom doesn't like outdoorsy stuff.  So if her mom comes with them and spends the whole day complaining about being there, or talking about how OP should just leave and go to her house, what's the point?  It doesn't sounds like Mom wants to tag along on their waterpark day, she wants to take control of the whole day and do what she wants to do.

[cville]

May 21, 2014 12:07:04 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

What are you going to be doing that you don't want her around? You're going to a water park, not a swingers' club. I wouldn't mind if the people we were on vacation with had a family member around for a day. But I also wouldn't feel like I had to sit and make small talk with them. They can go through the water park, go for a hike or a swim, etc. But then we aren't the type that has to spend every minute with the people we're there with. You kind of sound like a teenager who's all "OMGGGGGG mom."

Oh please.  Her mom sounds like a petulant child.

All of this "it's just blah blah" and "she lives so close" "what's the big deal" is starting to really grate on me.  Whether is or isn't an activity that her mom would or wouldn't enjoy or have to travel far to get to is not THE controlling factor here.  The BFD is that her mom is trying to change the plan through sheer force of will and/or tears.  BULLSHIT.

[dexteroni]

May 21, 2014 12:10:17 GMT -5 berbles said:

May 21, 2014 12:07:04 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

What are you going to be doing that you don't want her around? You're going to a water park, not a swingers' club. I wouldn't mind if the people we were on vacation with had a family member around for a day. But I also wouldn't feel like I had to sit and make small talk with them. They can go through the water park, go for a hike or a swim, etc. But then we aren't the type that has to spend every minute with the people we're there with. You kind of sound like a teenager who's all "OMGGGGGG mom."

However - the "you don't love or appreciate me" message would really tick me off. That kind of pathetic manipulative emotional BS makes me lose all sympathy. But my first opinion still wins out. I don't see the big deal in letting her come hang out for the afternoon before the BBQ.

But she said her mom doesn't like outdoorsy stuff.  So if her mom comes with them and spends the whole day complaining about being there, or talking about how OP should just leave and go to her house, what's the point?  It doesn't sounds like Mom wants to tag along on their waterpark day, she wants to take control of the whole day and do what she wants to do.

Oh yeah fuck that. OP should lay out in advance what she's willing to do. "You're welcome to come hang out with us for the afternoon before the BBQ, but we're going to be doing outdoorsy stuff, and I know that's not your thing. But it's the whole point of this vacation, and since we're only here for a few days, I don't want to take a day away from that. So if you don't want to do that stuff, then it's best that we just meet up for the BBQ." And any further whining after that would either be ignored, or met with "cut it the fuck out" type replies.

[berbles]

May 21, 2014 12:16:14 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

May 21, 2014 12:10:17 GMT -5 berbles said:

But she said her mom doesn't like outdoorsy stuff.  So if her mom comes with them and spends the whole day complaining about being there, or talking about how OP should just leave and go to her house, what's the point?  It doesn't sounds like Mom wants to tag along on their waterpark day, she wants to take control of the whole day and do what she wants to do.

Oh yeah fuck that. OP should lay out in advance what she's willing to do. "You're welcome to come hang out with us for the afternoon before the BBQ, but we're going to be doing outdoorsy stuff, and I know that's not your thing. But it's the whole point of this vacation, and since we're only here for a few days, I don't want to take a day away from that. So if you don't want to do that stuff, then it's best that we just meet up for the BBQ." And any further whining after that would either be ignored, or met with "cut it the fuck out" type replies.

YES.

OP, tell her she can join you but that you're not changing everyone's plans for her.  And no whining about YOUR vacation!

[auntie]

May 21, 2014 11:30:36 GMT -5 @astrid said:

If you didn't want to see your family, you shouldn't have chosen where they live.

This.

You probably could have guessed that you mom would be super excited to see you and that this could potentially be an issue. 

I still live in my home town, but my parents moved. Their summer digs are just outside of OCMD and they spend the rest of the year outside of Orlando. There have been multiple situations where we have camped with the scouts at Assateague or gone to the parks in Orlando. If they're in that area when I visit, I plan to devote a day to them even if it means spend an extra day or come early. I make it a point to drive the 4 hours to visit them monthly when they're in MD and always fly down to FL at least once. Is she always the one to travel?

It's funny, DS's graduation is tomorrow and my dad is making the rare trip to visit me. Last time he came was DS's Eagle COH back in 2011. My parents are nearly 80, I'm blessed to have them even if it means sometimes I tweak my plans to make time for them.

[auntie]

May 21, 2014 11:45:36 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

It's kind of a kick in the guy when family travels to your town but doesn't want to see you.

My MIL used to do that to DH before we married. She and the other single/widowed school teachers would do a road tip each summer often passing through his neck of the woods. She'd call and tell him about the days they spent in Philly, AC or Lancaster. DH would have loved to host a bunch of bluehairs for lunch or dinner- maybe even taken them on a tour. But she was passive aggressive like that. Plus she always spent spring break with my BIL who lived in Clearwater.

[FastHands]

Lol YESSS I knew it wouldn't be long before someone got preachy and went for the "we're lucky to have them" approach.

[FastHands]

May 21, 2014 12:35:27 GMT -5 auntie said:

May 21, 2014 11:45:36 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

It's kind of a kick in the guy when family travels to your town but doesn't want to see you.

My MIL used to do that to DH before we married. She and the other single/widowed school teachers would do a road tip each summer often passing through his neck of the woods. She'd call and tell him about the days they spent in Philly, AC or Lancaster. DH would have loved to host a bunch of bluehairs for lunch or dinner- maybe even taken them on a tour. But she was passive aggressive like that. Plus she always spent spring break with my BIL who lived in Clearwater.

Well yeno what, he was blessed to have her, and he should have done more to go to HER during a time other than her road trip.

[papie]

May 21, 2014 11:25:14 GMT -5 @astrid said:

Eh, I think it's dicey. I definitely see where your mom is coming from. Can she just tag along on your vacationing? Whatever you were doing just have her come with?

Yeah, my mother would never forgive me if I went on vacation to my hometown and then didn't "let her" spend the whole time with the kids.  Which is why I would never vacation there...

[karmasabiotch]

I would include my Mom for a day.

[sparkythelawyer]

I think you kind of had to know this would happen if you choose to vacation in the same town your parents live. If I were your travel buddies, having mom tag along for one day would not kill me. Talk to your travel mates.

[pedanticwench]

Dude, it's just a day. And, apparently you like your mom enough to invite her over for the evening to a BBQ.

Just let her come and see you and her grandkids.

Will it really be that bad?

[auntie]

May 21, 2014 12:37:48 GMT -5 FastHands said:

May 21, 2014 12:35:27 GMT -5 auntie said:

My MIL used to do that to DH before we married. She and the other single/widowed school teachers would do a road tip each summer often passing through his neck of the woods. She'd call and tell him about the days they spent in Philly, AC or Lancaster. DH would have loved to host a bunch of bluehairs for lunch or dinner- maybe even taken them on a tour. But she was passive aggressive like that. Plus she always spent spring break with my BIL who lived in Clearwater.

Well yeno what, he was blessed to have her, and he should have done more to go to HER during a time other than her road trip.

Well, that's quite the assumption. 'Cause, "yeno", he did. Until we got married, he spent every vacation visiting his family.